Monday, August 24, 2009

What Else Can Happen To The Mets?

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor. This now means that Frankie Rodriguez is the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Etan Bednarsh and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Etan's list.
  1. PoorBitz - The Mets show up at the wrong stadium when the traveling secretary looks at the wrong date on the schedule. The Cardinals, who were supposed to play the Cubs, approached them and said, "Look, the Mets showed up. We'll still play you guys tomorrow and the day after. I feel bad that they came all this way."
  2. Look Ma, No Hands...Or Tact - Gary Sheffield made a spectacular catch when he threw his glove at a line drive. Sheffield started throwing his glove at every fly ball not hit directly at him over a week ago. Though he is 1 for 26 on catches in this manner, Manuel called the play "gansta" and said there are no problems with Sheffield and the Mets. In other news, visitors have now hit 25 inside the park home runs at Citi Field, a Major League record.
  3. A Life Cut Shirt - Mr. Met was killed by a jammed T-shirt cannon. Jennie, of the Pepsi Party Patrol, said they were warned never to try to fire a jammed T-shirt cannon but Mr. Met saw a little boy on the Promenade that really wanted a shirt. Mr. Met will be honored with a 21 T-shirt cannon salute following tomorrow's game.
  4. Forfeiting End - On the last day of the season, Fernando Tatis pulled his hamstring running to first. With the rest of the team on the disabled list, Tatis fielded Hunter Pence's grounder at shortstop and tried to beat Pence to first when he came up lame as he passed the pitcher's mound. The Mets attempted to send Kevin Burkhardt out to finish the game but the umps cited the rule book forcing the Mets to forfeit. Tatis is listed as season to season.
  5. FranCorpse - In the 5th inning with the Mets down 10 runs and wondering what else could go wrong, the Pepsi Porch succumbed to a season's worth of its inhabitants eating Shake Shack, collapsing and crushing Jeff Francoeur. Shake Shack will honor him by offering French's Mustard with every hot dog.
  6. Thumbelievable - Alex Cora, not wanting to sit out anymore, has two more arms added to his body. Unfortunately, Cora tore tendons in both of those new thumbs sliding into second. No word on whether Cora will pursue a 5th and 6th arm.
  7. K-Fraud - After Francisco Rodriguez blew his third save in a row, the Mystery Van crashed through the left field wall and screamed towards the mound. Velma, tapped into the PA system, told the fans that this was not K-Rod and pulled off his silicone mask to reveal Ron Taylor from the 1969 team. K-Rod was later found bound and malnourished below Box Frites.
  8. PaGone - Angel Pagan returned to heaven with Christopher Lloyd. Pagan, realizing there was nothing more he could do for the Mets, flew off the field in the 4th inning to receive a new assignment from God.
  9. Green Apple - The Shea Stadium Apple, tired of hearing how great the Citi Field Apple looks, urinated on the electrical system that controls the hydraulics of its replacement. Unfortunately for the Shea Stadium Apple, the Mets did not hit another home run forcing the Apple to come clean in frustration. Jeff Wilpon is letting the Apple sit in a cell overnight to think about what he's done and will post bail tomorrow.
  10. Mentally Wright - David Wright extended his record streak by homering in his 45th straight at-bat since returning from being hit in the head by a Matt Cain fastball. Opposing pitchers, afraid that Wright can now see the future, cannot bring themselves to intentionally walk him. Wright stares at them and all of a sudden the intentional walk seems like a bad idea. Bud Selig says there is nothing in the rules against precognition or mind control.
Don't forget to go to Etan's blog for 10 more Mets possibilities.


jim said...

Kevin, you and Etan are excellent METS comedy of errors writers.
Each one gets better. LMAO !!
Go METS !! Or Go CUBBYS (we're in the same sad shape)!!

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