Wednesday, August 5, 2009

American Idol Without Paula Is Like...

A dog with three legs.* 

If you haven't heard, Paula Abdul tweeted that she will not be returning to American Idol next season. This news is shocking and I bet it's more shocking to all the Season 9 contestants. Who's going to make them feel good about themselves? Who's going to give them that comment that keeps their deluded dreams of vocal success alive? Who's going to say ridiculous things that I can make fun of in my American Idol blogs?

Now, the Idol Hopefuls will be singing in front of the Trio of Nonconstructive Criticism: Simon "I've outgrown doing this show and would rather save my good insults for the British version" Cowell, Kara "I'm better than 95% of these people and I hate the other 5%" DioGuardi, and Randy "I become more of a caricature of my Season 1 self every episode" Jackson. It's going to be brutal. 

I would take the Paula money and reallocate it for suicide prevention. Can you imagine coming down the line after singing on stage and getting:
  1. "I wasn't feeling it. I'm a fan of yours but...ahhhh...I don't know. It was weird for me. Sorry, dawg."
  2. "I wanted you to sing something else. You have some talent but you picked the wrong song. Maybe some early Lady Gaga."
  3. "That was horrible. It was like a whirling dervish with spotted dick. I'm just being honest. Sau-ree."
No self-esteem is safe.

I'm going to miss you, Slurry McIncoherent!

* As long as the missing leg was the one that provided the dog with nothing but happy thoughts and the remaining three do nothing but criticize the dog's every move.

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