Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Sex and the City 2 Trailer (What I Hear)

I am not a fan of the show. I've tried watching it. Check out my Sex and the City blog. I gave it a fair chance.

Anyway, this is what I hear when the trailer comes on my television or before my featured presentation at the theater.

Al.com Features My NJ Governor Parody

Al.com is the Alabama news website. They recently included my NJ Governor parody in an article on videos poking fun at the Tim James "We speak English" ad (4th one down).

Another article on the site alludes to the fact that the gubernatorial candidate has seen the video and finds it humorous. Fantas-great. (Twirls finger.)

Here is a screenshot where they talk about Spruce Bringsteen:

And here is my video once again:

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3 (Elimination)

Dear Casey,

Ever since you took off your shirt to get a "yes" for a ticket to Hollywood, I knew you were going to go far in this competition. It takes a special, pec-less man to stand on stage and do what can marginally be considered singing in front of millions of people. You were a macho Taylor Hanson. The good thing is that you realized how fortunate you were to get to the Top 3. You never had an iota of entitlement and I respect that. Good luck to you and your guitar skills. Now put your shirt on and get out of the way. We're trying to get a picture of the two people who were written into the finals 12 weeks ago.

Sincerely,

Kevin

Tor Baby Countdown: 13 Days

We went to the baby doctor today for what could end up being the last time. We may be ahead of schedule. Last week, my wife was at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. To be technical, the doctor described her as a "tight 2."

Let me point something out for those who don't know. The doctor determines the number of centimeters by how many fingers he can fit in there. A tight 2? Did he go to medical school in a boys' high school locker room? Is my wife also a good candidate for a noogie?

Nurse, pass me a twisted towel and let's roll the patient over so I can get at her buttocks.

This time, the doctor said that my wife was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. So there has been progress since last week which means the baby is coming sooner rather than later. It's time to put the hospital bag in the car. After all of that torture putting it together, it would suck to forget it at home. Then the hospital bag will have to protect itself from Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci using swinging paint cans.

"It's a hospital bag. Hospital bags are stupid."

Let's hope there's a blog tomorrow. There's still too much to do. (Like watching the finale of Lost.) Little Lady Tor needs to cooperate.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3

There will be an abbreviated American Idol recap today. There is a lot of baby stuff to get done around the house so I don't think I can take the time. Tonight was Lee's night. Everyone can agree on that. Let's start with the Idols' choices.

Casey James - "Ok, It's Alright With Me" - I don't know the song. It sounded fine. Nothing exciting. Still, I think this is a song style that Casey can be good at. He could go the John Mayer route of limited vocals/awesome guitar. He just has to avoid Jessica Simpson.

Crystal Bowersox - "Come To My Window" - That was a weird arrangement of it. Did she take all of the lyrics and put them in bingo machine? It was such a mess and didn't sound that great, either.

To window come my

Lee DeWyze - "Simple Man" - It was very good. So much better than last week. They should have called him BP because he killed that Seal but this is how you move on. This first round was like picking between LeBron James and two of me from my high school JV team. Hint -Take LeBron.

And now the judges' choices:

Casey James - "Daughters" - This was pure sabotage by Kara and Randy. Everyone was pretty sure Casey was going home this week before he opened his mouth but Kara and Randy did all they could to ensure it short of giving him "I'm Every Woman." I know I said he's a John Mayer type but this is a terrible John Mayer song and there was little he could do with it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Maybe I'm Amazed" - Surprisingly good. I did not know she could do the screaming parts. Light years better than the Melissa Etheridge song. This was Empire Strikes Back and that was Phantom Menace. Way to make the Finals, StarWarsox.

Lee DeWyze - "Hallelujah" - I was not happy with this choice by Simon. It felt lazy. Not only does this song belong to Jason Castro but Tim Urban did it about ten weeks ago. It's been done this season! Regardless, Lee sang it so well. This contest was like my groceries when I get back from the store - in the environmentally-safe bag. He deserves to win the whole thing. Sorry, Crystal.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 14 Days

It's one of our last New Produce Tuesdays. The baby is the length of a leek! LEEEK! A leek is a vegetable that is related to the onion which makes sense as the baby will also create smells that lead to tears. I do have one question for Baby Center, though. Where's the watermelon? It better be next week. I've been looking forward to a watermelon for 38 weeks now. Bring the watermelon!

Today is my wife's first day home from work. We went to the movies and saw Iron Man 2. We have plans for 2 more movies this week as we've been told we will never go to the movies again. I have calls out to the studios to put The A-Team, Toy Story 3, Twilight: Eclipse, Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim in theaters this weekend. I have not heard back but I am certain they will gladly accommodate a moderate YouTube star such as myself.

"Let's go somewhere else"

We have also started a Facebook pool for the baby's birth date and weight. One person picked this Saturday which is our wedding anniversary. I don't want that as an anniversary present. Some people will say it will make it easy to remember my anniversary. I'm not a husband in a sitcom. I remember my anniversary because I love my wife. Also, I want to make sure I see MacGruber.

THAT'S an anniversary present.

Tor Baby Countdown: 15 Days

Today is my wife's last day of work before her maternity leave. She is very excited and so am I though I can't bring it up as we have taken a vow of silence from each other. With labor lasting an average of 14 hours, we want to save up discussion topics so we don't run out. But how do you plan for 14 hours or more of talking?

Watching all of my YouTube videos only gets you about 90 minutes. Even when she begs me to watch them a second time, we still have 11 hours to fill. I could do my stand-up act for 30 minutes or so but that will only please the hospital staff and it's more about my wife at that point.

"You know what's fun to do? Speculate on specula. That guy knows what I'm talking about."

Another timekiller is a delivery room puppet show. Everyone loves puppets and maternity puppets, or muppets, are the most beloved of all. If you Google "muppets," you should see how many people love them. I am getting pretty good at voices, too. I've been practicing in anticipation of impressing our daughter. How is she going to respect me as a performer if I give her lackluster character work at bedtime? She won't.

Everyone loves the famous story of "The Dragon and Estelle Getty"

I can read her a book. I can give her a halftime-esque, locker room pep talk. We can play Earthquake Scrabble (a variation on regular Scrabble where the board gets cleared a lot from jostling as we will be playing on her chest). We can name the Presidents. We can name all of the bad guys from the original Batman series (Clock King!). We can compare and contrast contractions.

"Was that one worse or better than your 253rd one? Worse or better than your 25th? Great so it ranks 907th overall so far. You're doing great."

I'm not sure how we are going to pass the time. Anything you do is going to associate that thing with misery. Therefore, no Weezer marathon. The most important thing to do is keep your eyes on the prize and hope the pain ends soon. Labor Day is coming...

Tor Baby Countdown: 18 Days

18 m'n f'n days, ya'll! What?!? You hear me, daughta?!?

The process of having a baby is like swallowing Pandora's box. Then, on the way through digestion, stomach acid burns through the lock on the box. The box opens up somewhere in the gut and all the evils of the world are unleashed to wreak havoc upon the woman's insides.

Let's see what Metamucil can really do.

If that wasn't enough to deal with, there are stretch marks. Frankly, the human body should be able to gain from 30 to 70 pounds in a 9 month period and handle it fine but some people weren't born so lucky. Stretch marks are punishment for those people who weren't born with enough skin elasticity to handle such a girth growth. My wife is one of these people.

For the last couple of months, my wife has been smearing every possible cream she can find onto her belly to avoid such marks. The latest remedy is Vicks VapoRub so now my wife smells like impending baby and cold and flu season. It's a pleasure to lie in the same bed as her. Good thing she doesn't generate enough heat to cook a turkey in 10 minutes or I wouldn't be able to sleep near her. Oh wait-

It's like this movie only not as sexy or murdery.

Stretch marks are not fair. Some women say that stretch marks are a badge of honor and like a souvenir from the pregnancy, something to remind them of what they went through. You know what else does that? The baby.

I went through pregnancy and all I got was this lousy baby.

Tor Baby - Episode 1 (Lost Parody)

This is my homage to Lost and all the show has given us. As many of you know, my daughter will be born soon. The Lost series finale is also coming soon. I need her to hold off.

In Episode 1, I find out about the pregnancy and search this mysterious nursery.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4 (Elimination)

Dear Big Mike,

You were bound to leave the Idol stage at some point. It's best that it was by being voted off and not by accidentally snapping a mentor's neck while lifting them up in a hug. Then Seacrest would have to shoot you like George shot Lennie. It would have made for compelling television, something Idol hasn't had this season.

I have been tough on you on this blog. Know that it wasn't your singing but your actions that caused me to dislike you. Actions do speak louder than vocally-extended words. The fist pumps. The double-handed waving to the crowds. The lip licking. The head toss. The forearm X. The Aaron Kelly lifts. The fedora positioning. The chest pounding. It all left a bad taste in my mouth that repeated rinses with Listerine have not removed.

However, I wish you well. I hope your daughter grows up to be everything you want her to be and I hope your wife gets her eyes fixed because they were constantly leaking. Be well, Big Mike, and stay out of my iTunes. I don't want to hear your name ever again.

Sincerely,

Kevin

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4

Jamie Foxx was the mentor for Songs from the Movies night. I decided to copy his t-shirt idea and hand out t-shirts to each of the contestants tonight. It was a really weak night for American Idol. Even Lee wasn't good. At least there were the duets.

Lee DeWyze - "Kiss From A Rose" - Not good this week, Lee. Falsetto is not a place to be. He needs to never do that again. The chorus was the only good part. Lee is allowed a bad night, though. Kris Allen had a tough time with "All She Wants to do is Dance" last season and he ended up fine. I think Lee is safe. Here is his t-shirt:

Sorry, Lee. It's usually Heidi Klum's problem.

Big Mike - "Will You Be There?" - Answer - "Will I? I can't. Sorry. It's pretty hectic. Can you call someone else?" This performance had no effort. He even left the cheesiness out. There was nothing to it. Adding a choir did nothing but make him sound worse.

I got a deal on this because they forgot to print the "with"

Lee and Crystal - "Falling Slowly" - Amazing! I watched it three times. This is why these two should be in the final. Crystal held that together by harmonizing with Lee. I don't think Lee is used to harmonizing. The thing I didn't like were the judges' comments. The only reason Randy or Simon even knows this song is because of the awesome job Kris Allen did on it last season and yet no mention of him. Just typical of this season forgetting the former champ.

Casey James - "Mrs. Robinson" - This was mellow and much better than last week but it was still not worthy of a Top 3 Idol contestant. He seemed to be very conscious of his vibrato problem and tried to avoid holding notes. Therefore, he sang it like he was in a library or like he was being yelled at by his boss.

Casey is like March.

Crystal Bowersox - "I'm Alright" - She made the stupid song from Caddyshack great. I loved it. It was the only good solo performance. I'm glad Crystal is back in the competition. I was worried that everything was getting to her. She was cranky and talking back. It's like she grew up this week after a toddler phase. Hence:

A new classic

Casey and Big Mike - "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?" - Casey's guitar work was incredible. He should get to stay just for that. I actually felt like Big Mike ruined the song when he entered. Casey was doing a solid job with it. This was not in the same class as Lee and Crystal's duet. In fact, it should get a tutor and maybe stay back a year.

Bottom Three: I don't think they are doing this but I would say that Lee is safe and the others would be here. That said, it will either be Casey or Big Mike. I want Big Mike to go but I think it will be Casey. That or I've noticed that I've picked wrong the last few weeks and I want to work with my streak.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 20 Days

So we went to the baby doctor today and had our first internal exam. This is where the doctor treats your wife like a malfunctioning vending machine. The doctor put in his money for your baby and the baby fell but didn't come out so he needs to reach up in there to try to grab it. That's as pleasantly and accurately as it can be put.

Crazy coincidence - That's our doctor!

The baby's head is in the right place. That's one thing we learned. All of her bags are packed. She's done all she wants to do inside the womb and she's ready to move on. She's heading towards the light and this is one of the few times that's ok. Another time would be when we are separated and trapped in a toy store late at night, the store has shut off all of the power, and I am flashing my keychain lamp.

Dramatization where toddler plays my baby and a carpet plays my wife's body.

The doctor also checks for dilation and effacement. Dilation is the process in which the cervix opens up. Effacement is the process in which the cervix shrinks in length. Let's think about this in terms of a leg on a pair of jeans. The leg is the cervix and the leg hole is the opening of the cervix. Pre-labor, the jeans are down to your ankle and tight-rolled like it's the 80s. As labor happens, the cuff becomes looser and the pant leg moves up as if there was a flood. Get it?

These jeans have obviously gone into labor.

When a woman reaches 100% effaced and 10 cm dilated, the baby will come out. My wife was measured at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. Does that mean this blog won't reach zero or even negative days? I don't know but I'm putting the hospital stuff in an actual bag as I one-hand type this.

Tor Baby Countdown: 21 Days

This past weekend was Mother's Day and my wife got presents from people in my family. While it's nice that my family accepts her and buys her things, this was misguided. Where's the baby? Is the baby still inside my wife? Yes! Therefore, she should not get anything. She is not a mother yet.

According to Article 4 Section 3 of the Hallmark Holiday Handbook:

Any woman who is gestationally compromised cannot be considered a "mother" on the Second Sunday of May unless the current womb inhabitant is not the first offspring of the woman. Any presents or cards offered to such a woman must be burned in the middle of the restaurant (or other celebratory location) immediately.

Subsection Junior - This goes for men too.

Regardless, it was a nice day and my wife got to burn some nice stuff.

A lot of first-time pregnancies at this eatery.

Well, it's Tuesday and you know what that means, blog readers - new fruit or vegetable! We have a good melon streak going. According to Baby Center, our little girl is now the size of a stalk of Swiss chard. Why just looking at my baby's size makes me want to throw up. Is there a grosser anything in the world? No. There isn't. It looks like a fifth grade project where you have to make a vegetable (lettuce) look like an animal (fish) to satisfy some weird "We're all living things" challenge by a sadistic science teacher.

Your neutrality does not help matters, chard!

The baby is now considered "full term" which means if it was born today (God forbid that miracle), the baby would be fine and not need to be put in the incubator (or Baby Bake Oven). Now that the baby is full term, my wife an I can start putting together the hospital bag. That's what we've been waiting for.

Look, our pile has gotten bigger which means we are more ready to go to the hospital than we were last time I talked about this. I actually think we have everything we need in the pile now. We just have to bag it so no need to ask about the hospital bag anymore. This blog is done talking about it.

Terrific Tweets

Jon Friedman, a very funny man who writes for Jimmy Fallon, keeps a list of his favorite tweets from the week. This week I was fortunate enough to have one of my tweets included. To see the post, click here.

I'm on Jimmy Fallon's blog. On the same page as Lizz Winstead, Toddy Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I'm pleased. Thanks, Jon!

Tor Baby Countdown: 25 Days

Boy Jerkface has started to take on stairs. He got the go-ahead from his doctor yesterday. We were instructed to roll a towel and put it under his body like a sling to take some of the weight off his back legs. The first attempt was before bed last night.

At this point in our post-torn ACL life, Boy Jerkface has gotten used to being carried around. He shows no interest in using his legs like a sucker. Why climb the stairs when someone can cradle you like a baby and bring you where you want to go? It makes sense. So it was no surprise when I implemented the sling and he stood there with a "What's going on with my back legs?" look on his face. We were doing the doggie wheelbarrow but with no forward momentum.

Not the picture I was looking for but fun nonetheless.

We gave up for the night but this morning was a new day. Boy Jerkface made for the stairs and I stood a few stairs down from him and we went slow. He made it to the first landing. I was so proud of him.

Me

Do you want to keep going?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Ok!

Down he went to the first floor. He kept going. Can we go down the last flight to the garage? All of the stairs in one morning? Does this dog have the healing ability of Wolverine? How is this possible?

Me

All the way to the garage, buddy?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Well don't let me stop you.

He made it down 30 steps in total without a hiccup. I've never been prouder of him. I rubbed his back furiously saying, "Good Boy! Good Boy!" I was near tears.

When we got to the garage, I put him on his bicycle and we started in the parking lot. I was running behind him and he barked, "Let go of the seat! I can do it!" I let go and he went across town and got us lunch. It's been a magical morning.

Tee hee

I can't imagine the kind of excitement and happiness I will feel when (not if, damn it!) my daughter accomplishes things if I got this elated for the dog. "You're crawling! Good girl!" Head rub. "You're holding the sippy cup all by yourself! Good girl!" Belly scratch. Who said dogs can't be a prelude to children?

If no one has, this picture leaves me thinking someone needs to say it.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5 (Elimination)

And then there were 2.

Wait, I got ahead of myself. Big Mike and Casey are still around. I advanced the show to its logical conclusion before the producers got to do it. Think I'm being silly, though? How much were Big Mike and Aaron involved in the Ford commercial or the medleys? Not much. The judges are so pro-Lee that they haven't commented on his pitch problems since pre-Top 12. I've read many American Idol blogs talking about his pitch problems. I don't claim to know about singing in tune. However, I did hear a bad note or two when I rewatched this week's show. Still, they want him in the finals and Crystal too. No amount of love for Big Mike is going to change that or shots of Casey's butt for that matter.

There was no Bottom 3 this week.

Bottom 2:

Big Mike - The voting public must love pork because that's the only way to explain how this ham has made it this far. He will have another week of Randy praising him and America not voting for him. It really bothers me how much joy his wife shows in his survival while someone else's dream is shattered. I swear significant others in the past have shown much more subtlety in their celebrations of earning another week. Though, I wouldn't expect Big Mike to marry someone who is subtle. That's like a bear marrying an unsubtle bear.

Aaron Kelly - I never liked him but he's in the right place for Idol losers - country. If you don't win Idol, it is best to go country. This isn't a knock on the type of music but former Idol contestants have found solid careers in country music.

1. Kelly Pickler - She has won actual awards!?!?
2. Josh Gracin - He was the marine.
3. Bucky Covington - He was not very good but he's apparently good now!
4. Phil Stacey - Bet you never thought you'd see his lemur-like face again.
5. Kristy Lee Cook - She's got some looks to her...
6. Danny Gokey - Really??

Final Thoughts: We are a week away from getting to hear Lee and Crystal sing twice. That's something to look forward to. I have no other thoughts other than the fact that I love Lady Gaga. For me, for you, this wasn't her best performance but I'm still a fan. She just entertains. She can sing the phone book or monotone speak the phone book. It doesn't matter. I love when she takes the stage. I wish she would mentor. Maybe next season.

Tor Baby Countdown: 27 Days

Wow. That's 3 9-day weeks away. I realized something today. If you take away the incessant heartburn, the ever-swelling ankles and feet, the pain under the rib cage, the sleepless nights, the pugilism aimed at the internal organs, the constant bathroom runs, the unhappiness with getting dressed every day in the awful clothes, and the overall discomfort, carrying Boy Jerkface for the cumulative five minutes every day has given me a real sense of what it's like to be pregnant.

With my insensitive powers combined...

We went to the baby doctor today. We are at the point where we will go every Wednesday. (Do you hear that robbers? Our home will be empty every Wednesday but I'm not giving you the time. You have to work a little.) Also, "baby doctor" is not a disrespectful way of putting it. He specialized in baby at med school and holds a BMD. Disrespectful would be laughing and saying, "You have a bowel movement degree."

Before I go to the baby doctor, I make sure I go to the bathroom. Like I force it out. I want to ensure I don't have to use the bathroom at the doctor's office. I am going to explain the scenario I want to avoid when I do all of this stuff. Let's take a glimpse into my stupid, stupid mind.

I go to the bathroom. I finish my business, wash my hands, and exit the bathroom. I say hi and smile at a nurse as I return to the room my wife is in. That nurse goes to find a file somewhere. Another nurse, having checked the contents of my wife's or some other patient's urine sample, goes into the bathroom, lifts the lid, and pours it out into the toilet. She leaves the bathroom. The first nurse goes in shortly after and finds the seat up. That nurse blames it on the guy who she saw leaving the bathroom earlier. I'm the jerk who left the toilet seat up at the OB/GYN.

I didn't do it.

I can't handle that. I could try to explain that I never pee standing up or rarely go in public but that will just exacerbate the problem and prolong the discomfort. That is just a little taste of the anguish I feel when I go to the baby doctor with my wife.

In other news, the baby is doing well.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5

Harry Connick, Jr. is a great musician. And a total goofball. I was nervous when I heard that he was arranging the songs for them because I like when the Idols (Lee and Crystal) do their own thing but I think it worked out. Truthfully, I feel like as long as Lee is ok, the mentor did a good job. Also, they still found a way to go over the hour and cut into Glee with only 5 singers. How?!?!

Aaron Kelly - "Fly Me to the Moon" - When his hips wiggle like that, I like to picture him with 12 hula hoops about his waist. It makes the boring performances more entertaining. "Keep going, Aaron! Oh no, one's falling! Wait, the song's over?" Perfect.

Something to shoot for, Aaron. That's 100.

Casey James - "Blue Skies" - The Brookstone massage chair was at the highest setting for this song. Now I know why Casey never holds notes. It's because the world isn't ready for it. Casey needs to find another world where they will accept that kind of singing. And I think he can book a ticket on an exploratory rocket for tomorrow morning.

Crystal Bowersox - "Summer Wind" - I thought it was dull. It sounded pretty but I didn't want to hear it a second time which I have for past Crystal performances. She talks back too much and the stylists dress her horribly. If she was on "What Not to Wear," Stacy and Clinton would throw out her whole Idol wardrobe before they gave her a shopping spree.

"It all starts with a bra that really fits."

Big Mike - "The Way You Look Tonight" - It's never good when he's my other favorite besides Lee. It was good. I'll begrudgingly give it to him. I'm handing over the positive critique with a tight grip as Big Mike tries to take it but I won't let go. "Good job, Big Mike," comes off my tongue just as easily as "Here, you can have my winning Mega Millions ticket," but he deserves it. Damn it.

Lee DeWyze - "That's Life" - Minus a strange arrangement at the end, I loved it. A good performance from Lee is like waking up in the morning. You just know it's going to happen. Lee took the top spot from Crystal tonight after being second all season. Just like Phil will take Tiger's spot this weekend. Great job.

Bottom Three: We will finally have Crystal in the Bottom 3. She'll be fine but I think she belongs here after two so-so weeks. Aaron will be here as usual but he has more of a teenage girl following than Casey does so he'll be safe. That leaves Casey who failed to put consistent weeks together. If he was in trouble after being good last week, then he will easily go home after this crapfest.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don't know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it's Tuesday and that means "New Fruit Day." Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact - The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman's game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby's head upon world entry.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don't scream "father material." I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, "That guy can impregnate someone." I just don't put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I'm goofy. Also, previous to now, I've never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don't do a search for "fertile vibe."

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I've Accomplished list. It's right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don't know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can't wait. Though I will for the baby's medical well-being. See? I'm a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn't have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.

Tor Baby Countdown: 29 Days

Oh man, that's less than a month.

Let's get to it. You're wondering how the hospital bag is. You're wondering if it's in the car already. You're wondering about all of the fun my wife and I had packing it. You're wondering whether we packed jammies or a nightie. You're wondering if we packed an extra night's worth of stuff thus guaranteeing a c-section. You're wondering if I'm typing all of this to avoid telling you we didn't pack a bag. Well, you know what I'm wondering? Why do you care if we brought jammies or a nightie? Pervert!

It's the maternity ward not a getaway in the Poconos.

Fine, we didn't pack the hospital bag. We have a pile of things that can go in a bag, though. There's some new toothbrushes, lip balm, hair ties, and a dress. That's enough, right? That's all we need. What's wrong with us? Why aren't we packing this bag?

Google says this is the "bag from hell"

Don't get me wrong. The bag is very practical. I know this. When my wife goes into labor, it will be very hard to scoop all of the stuff in my arms and guide her down the stairs to the car. I've been carrying Boy Jerkface for a couple of weeks but he's just one thing. A bag would be so helpful. Why do I hate bags?

Maybe I can tie a knot in the bottom of my wife's dress and use it as a bag. It could hold a lot of stuff. With the pregnancy, my wife's dresses are currently the equivalent of a 30-gallon trash bag. That's not a shot on her size. She's pregnant. The dresses are bigger. Relax.

They Fall line at Mimi Maternity stores.

Ok, this weekend. I promise.