Friday, May 14, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 18 Days

18 m'n f'n days, ya'll! What?!? You hear me, daughta?!?

The process of having a baby is like swallowing Pandora's box. Then, on the way through digestion, stomach acid burns through the lock on the box. The box opens up somewhere in the gut and all the evils of the world are unleashed to wreak havoc upon the woman's insides.

Let's see what Metamucil can really do.

If that wasn't enough to deal with, there are stretch marks. Frankly, the human body should be able to gain from 30 to 70 pounds in a 9 month period and handle it fine but some people weren't born so lucky. Stretch marks are punishment for those people who weren't born with enough skin elasticity to handle such a girth growth. My wife is one of these people.

For the last couple of months, my wife has been smearing every possible cream she can find onto her belly to avoid such marks. The latest remedy is Vicks VapoRub so now my wife smells like impending baby and cold and flu season. It's a pleasure to lie in the same bed as her. Good thing she doesn't generate enough heat to cook a turkey in 10 minutes or I wouldn't be able to sleep near her. Oh wait-

It's like this movie only not as sexy or murdery.

Stretch marks are not fair. Some women say that stretch marks are a badge of honor and like a souvenir from the pregnancy, something to remind them of what they went through. You know what else does that? The baby.

I went through pregnancy and all I got was this lousy baby.

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