Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 21 Days

This past weekend was Mother's Day and my wife got presents from people in my family. While it's nice that my family accepts her and buys her things, this was misguided. Where's the baby? Is the baby still inside my wife? Yes! Therefore, she should not get anything. She is not a mother yet.

According to Article 4 Section 3 of the Hallmark Holiday Handbook:
Any woman who is gestationally compromised cannot be considered a "mother" on the Second Sunday of May unless the current womb inhabitant is not the first offspring of the woman. Any presents or cards offered to such a woman must be burned in the middle of the restaurant (or other celebratory location) immediately.

Subsection Junior - This goes for men too.
Regardless, it was a nice day and my wife got to burn some nice stuff.

A lot of first-time pregnancies at this eatery.

Well, it's Tuesday and you know what that means, blog readers - new fruit or vegetable! We have a good melon streak going. According to Baby Center, our little girl is now the size of a stalk of Swiss chard. Why just looking at my baby's size makes me want to throw up. Is there a grosser anything in the world? No. There isn't. It looks like a fifth grade project where you have to make a vegetable (lettuce) look like an animal (fish) to satisfy some weird "We're all living things" challenge by a sadistic science teacher.
Your neutrality does not help matters, chard!

The baby is now considered "full term" which means if it was born today (God forbid that miracle), the baby would be fine and not need to be put in the incubator (or Baby Bake Oven). Now that the baby is full term, my wife an I can start putting together the hospital bag. That's what we've been waiting for.

Look, our pile has gotten bigger which means we are more ready to go to the hospital than we were last time I talked about this. I actually think we have everything we need in the pile now. We just have to bag it so no need to ask about the hospital bag anymore. This blog is done talking about it.


The Katzbox said...

OH my gosh...I'm still laughing at this! "Your neutrality does not help matters, chard"....perfect!!!

Glad to hear about "the bag". I'm so tired of missing sleep over that...

Great post!

Emmanuel said...

It will not work in fact, that is exactly what I think.
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