Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 27 Days

Wow. That's 3 9-day weeks away. I realized something today. If you take away the incessant heartburn, the ever-swelling ankles and feet, the pain under the rib cage, the sleepless nights, the pugilism aimed at the internal organs, the constant bathroom runs, the unhappiness with getting dressed every day in the awful clothes, and the overall discomfort, carrying Boy Jerkface for the cumulative five minutes every day has given me a real sense of what it's like to be pregnant.

With my insensitive powers combined...

We went to the baby doctor today. We are at the point where we will go every Wednesday. (Do you hear that robbers? Our home will be empty every Wednesday but I'm not giving you the time. You have to work a little.) Also, "baby doctor" is not a disrespectful way of putting it. He specialized in baby at med school and holds a BMD. Disrespectful would be laughing and saying, "You have a bowel movement degree."

Before I go to the baby doctor, I make sure I go to the bathroom. Like I force it out. I want to ensure I don't have to use the bathroom at the doctor's office. I am going to explain the scenario I want to avoid when I do all of this stuff. Let's take a glimpse into my stupid, stupid mind.

I go to the bathroom. I finish my business, wash my hands, and exit the bathroom. I say hi and smile at a nurse as I return to the room my wife is in. That nurse goes to find a file somewhere. Another nurse, having checked the contents of my wife's or some other patient's urine sample, goes into the bathroom, lifts the lid, and pours it out into the toilet. She leaves the bathroom. The first nurse goes in shortly after and finds the seat up. That nurse blames it on the guy who she saw leaving the bathroom earlier. I'm the jerk who left the toilet seat up at the OB/GYN.
I didn't do it.

I can't handle that. I could try to explain that I never pee standing up or rarely go in public but that will just exacerbate the problem and prolong the discomfort. That is just a little taste of the anguish I feel when I go to the baby doctor with my wife.

In other news, the baby is doing well.