Tor Baby Countdown: 15 Days

Today is my wife's last day of work before her maternity leave. She is very excited and so am I though I can't bring it up as we have taken a vow of silence from each other. With labor lasting an average of 14 hours, we want to save up discussion topics so we don't run out. But how do you plan for 14 hours or more of talking?

Watching all of my YouTube videos only gets you about 90 minutes. Even when she begs me to watch them a second time, we still have 11 hours to fill. I could do my stand-up act for 30 minutes or so but that will only please the hospital staff and it's more about my wife at that point.

"You know what's fun to do? Speculate on specula. That guy knows what I'm talking about."

Another timekiller is a delivery room puppet show. Everyone loves puppets and maternity puppets, or muppets, are the most beloved of all. If you Google "muppets," you should see how many people love them. I am getting pretty good at voices, too. I've been practicing in anticipation of impressing our daughter. How is she going to respect me as a performer if I give her lackluster character work at bedtime? She won't.

Everyone loves the famous story of "The Dragon and Estelle Getty"

I can read her a book. I can give her a halftime-esque, locker room pep talk. We can play Earthquake Scrabble (a variation on regular Scrabble where the board gets cleared a lot from jostling as we will be playing on her chest). We can name the Presidents. We can name all of the bad guys from the original Batman series (Clock King!). We can compare and contrast contractions.

"Was that one worse or better than your 253rd one? Worse or better than your 25th? Great so it ranks 907th overall so far. You're doing great."

I'm not sure how we are going to pass the time. Anything you do is going to associate that thing with misery. Therefore, no Weezer marathon. The most important thing to do is keep your eyes on the prize and hope the pain ends soon. Labor Day is coming...