Monday, March 2, 2009

Going To The Movies: Colonel Saul Tigh

Boy, was I excited when I got an invite to inhabit the dystopian lifestyle aboard the Battlestar Galactica for a few hours. Just to get away from all of my luxuries such as fresh water, a vast food selection, and hope for the future was a neat, little adventure. It's crazy that these people do this every day aboard a ship that's falling apart.

Anyway, back to happy thoughts. I was going to hang out and watch a flick with Colonel Saul Tigh! I met Colonel Tigh in the cafeteria with four fingers of whiskey in front of him probably trying to forget his Cylon-ness. Poor guy. We shook hands and made some small talk. I pulled out a DVD of A.I. figuring Tigh just needed a little tearfest to release the stress and turn that scowl upside...um...dowl? We ran into a problem though.

Colonel Tigh
What the hell is a DVD player?

Kevin
Oh, right. The future. Do you have a Blu-Ray player because that could play-

Tigh stares incredulously at Kevin. Well, as much as you could incredulously stare with one eye.

Kevin
You probably don't have that either. What do you want to do? I'm here for another 4 hours.

Colonel Tigh
I don't care what you do. I'm going to find the bottom of this glass and then fill it up again.

Kevin
Oooo, you're so dark. Can I join you?

Colonel Tigh
Suit yourself.

Tigh slides another glass over to Kevin and fills it. Kevin takes a sip.

Kevin
Sweet crap, that burns!

Colonel Tigh
You're Gods' damn right, it burns. Takes away the pain.

Kevin looks at the glass, picks it up, shrugs his shoulders, and takes a big gulp. Flashes of Kevin putting down an empty glass and Tigh filling it right back up. They toast and laugh repeateadly.

Kevin
(drunk)
Hey! Hey! I can do you!

Colonel Tigh
What'd you say?

Kevin
(drunk)
No. I didn't mean. I-I can do an impression of you. Watch.

Kevin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a device and presses it against his neck.

Kevin
(in perfect Tigh voice)
I'm Colonel Saul Tigh. Where's the old man? I don't give a frak about you or anyone else.

Tigh grabs Kevin by the neck and slams his head into the table.

Colonel Tigh
What the hell is that?!?

Kevin
(scared)
Uh...it's an electrolarynx. They give them to people who've lost their voicebox.

Tigh takes the device and looks at it. Kevin is nervous. A few excruciating seconds pass. Tigh presses the device to his neck.

Colonel Tigh
I'm me.

Kevin and Tigh break into uproarious laughter. Flash forward to them sitting at a piano together. Tigh is playing and Kevin has the device pressed into his neck. The bar patrons are hanging out.

Colonel Tigh and Kevin
(singing)
And I guess that's why they frakkin call it the blues.

Bar Patrons
(chorus-style)
Time on my hands!

Colonel Tigh and Kevin
(singing)
Could be time spent with youuuuu.

Tigh busts an ending solo and slams the last note. The bar goes crazy. Kevin stands up with device pressed to neck.

Kevin
(in perfect Tigh voice)
Thanks, everyone. We are Two Tigh Crew. You've been wonderful.

Flash forward to Tigh walking Kevin to his return Raptor.* They stop.

Kevin
I'm gonna miss you, Patches. I had a great time.

Colonel Tigh
If you're ever in the galaxy, you're always welcome on this ship.

Kevin
I appreciate that but it kinda smells in here. Next time, we should do this at my place. I could put the football game on. There's a couch. We could have pizza.

Colonel Tigh
I don't know what the frak you just said but I'm in.

Kevin
Alright, bring it in, ya crazy Cylon.

Tigh and Kevin hug with back pats for manliness. Kevin boards the raptor and the door closes.

*Special thanks to Adama for this.

3 comments:

Jen said...

Sweet Jesus, this is hilarious. And I don't even WATCH the damn show.

Anonymous said...

You are very creative.LOL.

jim said...

Kevin with your talent you could write a script for a movie !! Good Job!