NoBuddies - Pregnant Girl (Episode 7)

We're up to a very special episode of NoBuddies. Watch NoBuddies. Hit 106 in NJ says it is "very funny." Seriously, they said that. I don't know if they want to go on record as saying it but I'm not waiting for an answer.



Will there be a NewBuddy in the apartment 9 months from now? Gray is pulling for no.

Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White
Gray - Sean McCormack
Bill - William Franke
Alexis - Catherine Nicora

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rockamic (ccMixter)

Butterface Down Under

The Butterface parody got posted on the ninemsn MusicFIX blog this morning in Australia leading to a bunch more views and a bunch more positive comments. It also lead to this picture:

Lady GaGa and I will probably never be this close in real life after this parody but it's good to know that Photoshop will always be able to bring us together.

One thing, though: If they took the time to find such a hot picture of Lady GaGa, they couldn't take the time to find one of my sexier poses. I looked hotter in other scenes. In all my life, I've never had one good drag cutout. 

Thanks to Sam at ninemsn for blogging this!

Tor Vs. Z100 (Part 3)

Parts 1 and 2. Some people would say that an unknown, most likely not funny comedian going after a large media powerhouse like Z100 and Elvis Duran would be a foolish undertaking. To those people I say, "WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?" Now that they're distracted, I thought I would present to you something that I did when I got the following comment:

Lmao oh god i was listening to Z100 and they mentioned this XD

Growing up in Jersey, I was pretty psyched that Z100 played my song. So psyched that when I was in the shower, I decided to practice my interview for when I would be on because they were totally going to call me up and ask me about it. Here is how I imagined the interview:

Elvis Duran

We're on with Kevin Tor, writer of the parody Butterface.

Kevin

What's going on, Elvis?

Elvis Duran

Very funny stuff.

Kevin

Thank you.

Elvis Duran

What made you write it?

Kevin

It just popped into my head after hearing Poker Face. So I wrote the lyrics and met with my friends Eric Fortin and Jen Kwok and we threw it together.

Elvis Duran

Jen Kwok sang it.

Kevin

That's correct. She did a great job and she was the body in the video.

Elvis Duran

That's what I wanted to get to. You made a video for this song that is just as funny.

Kevin

Yeah, we shot it at Comix, a comedy club I sometimes perform at.

Elvis Duran

In New York City.

Kevin

That's right.

Elvis Duran

...

Kevin

So...

The interview keeps going but I thought I'd stop here to spare you. Even my fantasy interview with Z100 is boring! It's a freakin' fantasy! There should be clowns and money given to me in exorbitant amounts that I don't deserve for writing a song parody! I can't even make Z100's morning show awesome in my dreams! That should be a major determining factor in who wins this war.

I am better than Z100. What would you rather have? A successful, syndicated professional morning show or a guy who blogs to 10 people on a weekly basis? I turn that decision over to you, radio stations. I could be your future. I've made 2 song parodies in the last 2 years. How many have they made? Hundreds? It's all about quality and I haven't heard theirs but mine's better because my mother says so. That's right, radio stations. I have my mother's backing. Do they?

-This message is paid for by the committee to give Kevin Tor all the radio stations that Elvis Duran and his morning show appear on.

American Idol - Top 10 (Part 2)

Someone got voted off American Idol last night in addition to the sweatiness, creepiness, and awesomeness but let's start with those: 

Sweatiness: Ruben Studdard always looks like the guy who is having a heart attack but is going to smile and play it off like nothing is wrong. I fast forwarded but the parts I stopped on sounded nice.

Creepiness: Smokey Robinson looked like a real old man in hot pursuit of Joss Stone. He just needed to wheeze, "I'm comin' to getcha" as he waddled towards her and security would have been necessary. And his dreamy eyes were reminiscent of Michael Jackson before he changed (in the Thriller video not in real life).

Awesomeness: Stevie Wonder can still rock at whatever age he's at. The older he gets, the more he looks like the Super Orc from Lord of The Rings but that doesn't mean that Orc can't party. He is one of the greats and it was really cool to see the Idol contestants make fools of themselves fawning over him on stage. I would have. Did I see repeated Wayne's World "We're not worthy" gestures from Anoop, Lil, and Kqwriss? I think I did.

BOTTOM THREE:

Matt Giraud - He should not be in the Bottom 3. He was one of the tops of the night and gave his best performance since "Georgia" in Hollywood Week. Fortunately, he did not go home. I'm not sure if I like him yet but he's too good to find himself in this position.

Scott MacIntyre - I didn't think he was going home but at least America is starting to send him there. This was an important first step in his eventual booting (Next week? Hmm?). It's not fair to him to be ripped apart by the judges. Have mercy on him. He's on the tour. That should be enough.

Michael Sarver - I feel like he's a better singer than Scott but he is not going to win like Simon said. This was the end for Michael and he left with the dignity and humor that got him this far. In fact, I thought his farewell performance of "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" was the best he's been in a while. I also liked how he told Lil she was fine before Ryan did and how he pointed at Matt for the guy who shouldn't be in the Bottom 3. The best part is that you could tell he meant it.  Part of me wishes he could hang out every week and just not sing.

Final Thought: I was partially hoping Lil would get in the Bottom 3 to scare her into upping her game but when it was between her and Michael, I stopped rooting for that. It was good to see Allison get the broken Windows treatment. (She got rebooted in Safe Mode? Yeah, that wasn't that good.) Spiggles is around for another week so hopefully she'll pick a good song and not go down in flames. See you next week.

American Idol - Top 10 (Part 1)

This week is Motown week and that means Lil Rounds should be the best because she's black or at least that's what the judges implied but I'll get to that later.  Smokey Robinson was the celebrity Motown rep for the week. Interestingly, he was dressed like a skater during the mentoring sessions. Was he performing at the Spring X Games later in the day? Nothing gets Ryan Sheckler tearing up the half pipe like some Miracles. Anyway, on to the performances.

Matt Giraud - "Let's Get It On" - It started off really good and really cool. Even original. Then he left the piano and it went back to how it always sounds. Still good but I thought it was going to be awesome when it started. Does anyone else get stuck staring at that flesh mole in the middle of his forehead? It works for Russell Crowe but I think that's because Russell's is about an inch and a half south of Matt's. Maybe the Idol stylists can move it down.

CKrissss Allen - "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)" - It was very good. He sounds so much like Jason Mraz and I love Jason Mraz. He moves up on my favorites list each week. Don't you just want to squeeze him until he gets one of those blood vessel pops in his eye? Then you'd look at him and think, "Man, he'd be perfect if he didn't have that red thing in his eye. I still like him, though." I'm just saying, you need a flaw, Qwrisse.

Scott MacIntyre - "You Can't Hurry Love" - Or this song for that matter. Wait, did that make sense? I tried to do what Simon does where he takes the lyric and uses it against the singer. Anyway, it was boring and the judges finally threw away the "we can't say he was bad because he's blind" attitude. In fact, Simon was extra cruel and at one point, it looked like Scott might tear up a bit. Fortunately, those parts of his eyes don't work either and he should find himself in the Bottom 3.

Megan Joy - "For Once In My Life" - Spiggles did not bring it this week. I don't know if there were any notes that she hit. She's officially occupied the "The camera loves you" distinction for Season 8. I love her but I think it's time for her to go.

Anoop Desai - "Ooo Baby Baby" - I like that they raided Kevin Arnold's closet for Anoop. That brings it to retro real easy. He just needed to ride out on the stage with Paul Pfeiffer on matching Schwinns. The performance was pretty good. At least good enough to move on.

Michael Sarver - "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" - He had some fun out there. He's like an offensive lineman who had a great game protecting the quarterback and then jumped up on the bench in the locker room and starting belting out a tune in his towel. Was that Varsity Blues? Necessary Roughness? It was something. Anyway, he needs to go. Can we send off 3 this week? I don't even need to see the rest of the show to pick my Bottom 3.

Lil Rounds - "Heat Wave" - It seemed like Motown week was made for her. They showed her genuinely breaking down upon seeing Motown Records. They dressed her up like a Dreamgirls extra. It was all for Lil Rounds and then the song started. Not good. Good thing three other people already sucked. Apparently, this is the same song that landed Kimberley Locke and Jennifer Hudson in the Bottom 3 during their time on Idol. "Heat Wave" is Idol poison. Anyway, Simon saved her by saying she's one of the best singers in the competition so she should be fine as long as people stop pitying Scott.

Adam Lambert - "Tracks Of Our Tears" - The Elvis look for this week is a little gross but I guess he's rolling with his lip curl. It was really good. Even I am pro-Adam tonight. At some points, I wished it wasn't sung as high but he still nailed it. I'm giving him a pass this week from excessive ridicule. Well done, Adam.

Danny Gokey - "Get Ready" - Danny needs to stop having fun and get back into the competition. He should skate to the Top 5 but there are two guys (Kkckristte and Adam) that have moved ahead of him in my opinion. Time to step it up, Gokes.

Allison Iraheta - "Papa Was A Rollin' Stone" - This may not have been the best performance but it was my favorite. She's so good. She better not be in the Bottom 3 again. That was a travesty. Also, shame on Simon for taking attention away from Allison with the juvenile Paula mustache. He couldn't do that during Scott or Michael's? Poor. Simon's getting me more agitated this year than usual.

Bottom 3 - Scott, Michael, and Megan. I have a bad feeling that Lil might be in it but I'm going to stay strong and hope that America does not vote for Scott. The criticism from the judges is just going to get worse for him if he stays. If you care about him, you'll let him go, America.

Going Home - Michael Sarver

Tor's Movie Review: Adventureland

I actually got to write a review for The Apiary which is THE essential NYC comedy site. I got to go to an early screening of Adventureland. It was a great time and an enjoyable movie. My Apiary review can be found here.

However, since that review was limited to 300 words, I thought I would post my unabridged review here.

We’ve all been to an amusement park. You rode the swings until your legs lost feeling or your shoe fell off. You picked your poison between funnel cake and cotton candy. You kept playing skee ball until you earned enough tickets to get six spider rings and jacks or the ball for jacks but not both. You spent forty bucks for that handful of nothing and you wonder how anyone can get the 40,000 tickets needed for that toaster oven with the fabric-covered power cord coated in 25 years of dust. You swore never to go back.

Adventureland, written and directed by Greg Mottola, follows James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg), a guy who is forced to go back. James expected to spend the summer after college seeing Europe but instead had to get a job working at Adventureland, the local amusement park. His crappy parents reneged on their graduation present because his father had to take a pay cut at work or something. I don’t know. It was hard to relate to this part given today’s economy. Regardless, love, pot ingestion, sack taps, and carnival game-related hi-jinks ensue.

Those expecting Superbad 2 will not receive it. This is a retelling of the director’s own experiences working at an amusement park one summer. The movie is personal and is presented as such. You experience everything James is going through from the disappointment with his parents to his increasing romantic feelings for the grown-up version of the cute, little boy from Panic Room (Kristen Stewart).

While the actors are great, the real star is the soundtrack. (I will be accepting punches to the face for the awfulness of that last sentence.) It features 80s music from The Cure, Husker Du, Lou Reed, New York Dolls, and more. Each song fits the situation perfectly. The last movie that used music this well was Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist and look how that turned out.

See this movie if you hate summer jobs, your parents, the 90s, cancer, or bad movies.

Finally, some things I learned while watching:

• Erections were not easy to hide in pants from the late 80s.
  
• Martin Starr plays misunderstood geek like no other.
  
• It’s weird to see the guy who killed vampires in Blade III make out with the girl that was in love with a vampire in Twilight. Now that’s range.
  
• It really wasn’t anything like Superbad.
• Ryan Reynolds doesn’t have to play the same character in every movie.
• You can use a single lesser-known fact about Charles Dickens to pick up a girl.

Tor Vs. Z100 (Part 2, In Your Face Yesterday's Question Mark!)

Yesterday was the first battle in the epic war that will be Tor Vs. Z100 (Part 1). When you come home from a long day of wrastling with one of the biggest radio stations in the world, you want something cold and refreshing. That's when I reach for Milwaukee's best. (This battle needs sponsors and that's one I think we can get.) Nothing quenches a media war general's thirst like a nice can of beer that's brewed for a man's taste. Sorry, ladies. So I received another email from David Brody, my arch-nemesis:

Kev,

Please feel free to write me anytime. As for the words I chose...yeah a little bit was with the thought in ind that the person I was writing to might not believe it possible to have to parodies with the same title. It has happeded to me all too often. No, I don't think about nor do I care about legal issues because no internet parody writer has the portential or ability to really make it an issue or be able to prove it (Nothing to do with you by th way :) ). I just can't stand it when guys who do it for fun (not you) can't fathom someone who does it as a career coming up with the same brilliant idea as them. Even worse when people think that every parody ever written was written by Weird Al...even my songs by female singers!

My friend Eric Schwartz (Smooth E) who has had a number of hits on YouTube and I have written the same song a few times as well. I put together a video/ interview on Youtube where I play one or two back to back.

Anyway, I am not sure the theme is brittliant....maybe clever? (Butta Face). But, some of your lyrics were very very good as was the video.

Congrats on writing a hit...and keep in touch.

David

When I first read that, I wanted to curl up in a blanket with my email and watch Twins. It's such a nice email reply. I bet my mom would frame it and put it next to my diploma and 8th grade dance photo. But then I read it again. I see a man who is running scared (or not running scared). A man who is taking jabs (or not taking jabs). You have to read between the words. I will capitalize, biggerize, and italicize the only words he meant in the email.

KEV,

Please feel free to write me anytime. As for the words I chose...yeah a little bit was with the thought in ind that the person I was writing to might not believe it possible to have to parodies with the same title. It has happeded to me all too often. No, I DON'T THINK about nor do I care aboUt legal issues because no internet parody writer HAS THE portential or ABILITY TO REALLY MAKE IT an issue or be able to prove it (Nothing to do with you by th way :) ). I just CAN'T STAND it when guys who do it for fun (not YOU) can't fathom someone who does it as a career coming up with the same brilliant idea as them. EVEN WORSE when people think that every parody ever written WAS written by Weird Al...even my songs by female singers!

My friend Eric Schwartz (Smooth E) who has had a number of hits on YouTube and I have written the same song a few times as well. I put together a video/ interview on Youtube where I play one or two back to back.

Anyway, I am not sure the theme is brittliant....maybe clever? (Butta Face). But, some of YOUR lyrics were very very good as was the VIDEO.

Congrats on writing a hit...and keep in touch.

DAVID

"Kev, I don't think u has the ability to really make it. I can't stand you. Even worse was your video. David" 

Wow. Z100 is coming back at me with ferocity. Will I retaliate? You betcha! And with better grammar!

Tor Vs. Z100 (Part 1?)

Everyone knows of my masterpiece, Butterface. If you don't, shame on you. Go watch it now. I got a YouTube comment yesterday morning stating that they heard my parody mentioned on Z100, the New York station. I tried to get more information from the commenter but that person has not written me back to this point. I even emailed Z100 to find out more. What I have since found out is they played a parody of Lady GaGa's Poker Face called "Buttaface" (awful spelling) that was not mine. I got the following email from the radio station this morning:

Kevin,

I just received your email and wanted to respond to you as soon as I could. I wanted to let you know that it was not in fact your parody on Z100. I am the Executive Producer for the Elvis Duran Morning Show and I write the parodies for the show since 1998

We played my parody Butta Face. To this point I have not heard yours and I am sure it is funny but I didn't want you to be disappointed if you tuned in and heard my song. Butta Face is an obvious parody of this sone [sic] so it doesn't surprise me that more than one Comedy writer came up with it. I have also written Pimple Face to the original as well.

Again, I am sorry for any confusion.

David Brody
Executive Producer
Elvis Duran and the Morning Show

While it was great for them to write me back, I felt the need to respond:

David,

Thank you for getting back to me. It would have been really cool if it was mine but someone already broke the news to me on Facebook later in the day. Your email is pretty funny. Let's look at "Butta Face is an obvious parody of the song so it doesn't surprise me that more than one Comedy writer came up with it." Can't we give ourselves more credit than that? Maybe it's not that obvious. You have been trained too much to handle things with the legal implications in mind. Did you think I was going to seek legal council* over a song I put on youtube for free even if I thought you stole it? I guess that just makes me sad for the state of the world that you have to write like that. You probably don't even notice. Anyway, I really do appreciate you getting back to me. I think Butta Face is much better than Pimple Face (kinda makes me cringe). Take care and never steal one of my ideas again! Ever! My wife is a lawyer, more powerful than Jacoby, Meyers, and Roni Deutch combined. Tell Mr. Leonard I said hi.

Thanks,
Kevin Tor

If Z100 wants a one-sided word battle that they know nothing about due to my lack of readership, then it is on! I'm coming after them with guns filled with written words. There is no end to what I can write. Pimple Face? Really? Oof. (That was just a small example of the assault.)

Stay tuned, reader(s). It's gonna be a (metaphorical) blood bath.

* I should have had my wife spell check this first.

Reviewing Adventureland Today

After some intense, Twitter-related begging, I was able to get The Apiary to allow me to attend a sneak peek of Adventureland and write a review for their site. The screening is today at 4pm and I cannot wait. I'm a huge fan of pretty much everyone involved. Those I am not a fan of, you know who you are.

In anticipation of the movie, I thought I would create a list of the things I'm hoping to see in the movie.

1. Nick Nolte as some sort of electricity monster.
2. Bill Hader doing Al Pacino (not an impression, though it would definitely make one).
3. Skulls made out of fine crystal.
4. A stalled ferris wheel with an awkward guy and the hot girl he's in love with trapped at the top.
5. Someone going beyond the acceptable level of retard.
6. A cameo by Robert Pattinson as the dunk tank vampire clown.
7. A little girl doing a voice over of the "Now I lay me down to sleep" poem.
8. Wiig and Stewart Jello wrestle for the award of "Best Kristen."
9. The pirate story from the "Adventureland" graphic novel.
10. McLovin shows up with Seth and Evan and the movie forgets all about the amusement park and becomes about Seth and Evan dealing with going back to college for their sophomore year and will they still be good friends by the next summer while McLovin is hilariously squeaky.

If just six of those come to pass, I'll be writing a glowing review. I'll post a link to the review tomorrow.

American Idol - Top 11 (Part 2)

I don't understand the public. Let's get right to it. I don't want to think about this more than I have to.

BOTTOM THREE:

Allison Iraheta - Let me begin by saying, "WHAT??" She wasn't her usual stellar but she doesn't deserve to go home. She shouldn't even be scared of going home until the Top 5. Fortunately, she was safe and sent back immediately. America, send home people that can't sing the alphabet or a phone book.

Michael Sarver - Is becoming a down home country boy or girl the way to go if you want to stay in this competition? Does no one remember that he got this far by impressing the judges with his soulful R&B skills? Now, he's the newest contestant on (Screw Motown I Want To Be A) Nashville Star? Apparently, nice guy's finish second to last. He's the weakest singer in this competition (it's close with him and Scott). He should go home. Alas, he did not.

Alexis Grace - The judges said she was one of the ones they talked about using the "Judge's Save" on. Unfortunately for Alexis, even I agree that it's too early to use it. I give her so much credit though. She sang for her life. Even the notes she missed were full of passion. This was a huge mistake. She will go down with Sabrina Sloan, Nadia Turner, and Kimberly Caldwell in the Idols who left too soon category. (I left off people who made it to the Top 5. We all know Chris Daughtry and Tamyra Gray left too soon.)

Final thought: Scott MacIntyre does not belong in the competition anymore. I'm sure it's a thrill for him but some of the notes he hits sound like he is hearing impaired and not vision impaired. If he could see, he would have been voted off last week. This is not Disabled Pianist Idol. Tonight was garbage and Alexis deserved better.

American Idol - Top 11 (Part 1)

It's country music week on American Idol. Yee to the haw! Randy Travis helped out the Idols by smiling, looking around awkwardly, and drawling.

Michael Sarver - "Ain't Goin Down Til The Sun Comes Up" - It was fun. There were a lot of words. He's a nice guy.

Allison Iraheta - "Blame It On Your Heart" - I didn't care for it. The judges liked it and she'll be fine. Randy thought it was dope. I don't think 16 year olds should be associated with drugs.

CQriss Allen - "To Make You Feel My Love" - First off, that video image of him on the floor as they panned up to him on the stool was fun house weird. I thought it started off real strong but got a little boring. The judges loved it and I assume he'll be safe.

Lil Rounds - "Independence Day" - She can sing but why did the stylist make her look like a WNBA player showing up at the red carpet? Sittmone didn't like it and embarrassed himself by mispronouncing Lil's name repeatedly. Being British doesn't require you to add letters to a name, Simon. Sound it out. Now, take a lift to the booth and put on a jumper, ya wanker.

Adam Lambert - "Ring Of Fire" - Randy Travis was speechless and I can see why. That was creepy. I thought it was awful. I just want to punch him in the face but I don't think my wife has enough makeup remover for my fist when I get home. Randy Jackson thought it was current and fresh. He said it was like Nine Inch Nails doing country. That's current? Why not Devo?

Scott MacIntyre - "Wild Angels" - Boring. Boring. Boring. I'm tired of the judges not treating him like the other contestants and it's not fair that I rip him apart because of it. I'm actually sure he wants to be treated like anyone else. That got real.

Alexis Grace - "Jolene" - This seems like a stumble. There was a falsetto that made me cringe. Regardless, she's too good to get voted off yet. Maybe the judge save?

Danny Gokey - "Jesus Take The Wheel" - This was awesome. I don't know why Entertainment Weekly hates Danny Gokey. Put the go in Gokey? How can you be so mean? He killed this song and he has gone two weeks without mentioning his wife.

Anoop Desai - "You Were Always On My Mind" - I like that Anoop likes to have fun and did Bobby Brown and Beat It but he can sing. It's about time he sang in this competition. I think this will get him out of the Anoop Dawghouse(?). Does that exist? Am I using that right?

Megan Joy - "I Go Walking After Midnight" - Spiggles dropped her last name. I'll allow it because she's awesome. I think the coolest thing about this is that she had the flu and I didn't know. She sounded great.

Matt Giraud - "So Small" - He did a fine job. There was a piano.

I don't know if they are doing a bottom three but, if so, I think it will be Michael, Scott, and a surprise Alexis. I think Michael will go home. He's the weakest one. This really is the best year of Idol. I have people I want to go home (Adam, Scott) but none that outright stink.

Lady GaG - Butterface

Here is my parody of Lady GaGa's Poker Face. There were a lot of requests for a new song parody after Hey There Delilah so I have decided to give in. I also took note of all the requests to never sing again so you will be happy to know that I only wrote the lyrics and got someone else to sing them. 

Thanks to Jen Kwok for singing and dressing scantily. 

Thanks to Eric Fortin for mixing the track and dressing scantily. 

Thanks to Francesco Marciuliano for manning the cam. 

Thanks to Jason Verlaine, Paul Bauer, and Maryssa Smith for dancing their faces off. 

Thanks to Kambri Crews for giving us a locale. 

Thanks to Mom for helping me attain items I needed. 

If there are requests for the mp3, I'll post it like last time.

American Idol - Top 13 (Part 2)

Idol has a new rule. The judges get one "save" for the entire season. If someone gets voted off that they think should remain in the competition, they can save them and bring them back for another week. So really what's the point of voting?

The first 30 minutes are so enjoyable in fast forward. I don't know what song they did for a medley but it looked compelling.

Kanye West was on the show. I can say it occurred on my TV screen. 

Kelly Clarkson was also on and looked terrible. She put on some weight but that wasn't the problem. The problem was they dressed her in clothes that said, "I don't want you to think I put on weight." They could have put a sandwich board on her that read, "Now with 15 more pounds of Clarkson for you to enjoy!" Come on, stylists. She's still attractive. How about a dress?

Voted Off

Jasmine Murray - Mo'Nique with an eating disorder is going home. I can't make that joke anymore. I think I'm more sad to see that go than her. Her resemblance will be missed. The judges had no interest in bringing her back. It's probably for the best.

Jorge Nunez - It's a shame because he is talented. I actually thought he sung the song better tonight than last night but the judges only get one save and they aren't going to use it on Jorge. He's fine though. FOX read my earlier blog and is in talks to have him on the business end of a Jack Bauer pistol whip in Season 8 of 24. Looking forward to that.

Looking back at Part 1, I seem to be awesome at picking the departures. Tune in next week when I get it completely right again. (Because I'm awesome.)

Comedysmack Overheard Joke of the Day

I was selected as the "Overheard" joke for today's Comedysmack Newsletter. Special thanks to Shap at Comedysmack for picking it.

(Click the picture to make it bigger.)

American Idol - Top 13 (Part 1)

Oh man. We've made it to the competition! I don't know why everyone hates Randy. Who else is going to reach that elusive demographic of people who only understand 2 words and 4 random noises/grunts? 

It's Michael Jackson night and that could mean only one thing: I predict over 50 percent suckage. (Actual suckage percentage after the performances)

Lil Rounds - "The Way You Make Me Feel" - Lil Rounds likes to change the words of songs to sound adorable. So does Weird Al. Her pants are making her rounds the opposite of lil, though. I thought it was good overall. She's more than safe.

Scott MacIntyre - "Keep The Faith" - I fell asleep before the first note was over. He's not a pop star. He's got a future on Lite FM. His voice is fine and he tickles ivories like a polite elephant poacher. (That was a bigger reach than Manute Bol going for a rebound. [That was also a stretch in the vain of Mr. Armstrong.] ) Is it me or does he look like a Mike Myers character that's constantly mugging for the camera? He'll be fine because he's blind and he wasn't terrible. There will be terrible.

Danny Gokey - "P.Y.T." - He is going for it. This is awesome. He enjoys the moment and will be safe. Also, his wife is not living anymore.

Michael Sarver - "You Are Not Alone" - I have a feeling this is the first bad across-the-board judgment. Lots of "You're a nice guy" coming. I was wrong. What did the judges see? It was boring. He's safe and this will postpone his History Channel reality show, Warbling Roughnecks. (Followed by the Season Premiere of Ax Men)

Jasmine Murray - "I'll Be There" - Skinny Mo'Nique has won the high school talent show for the second week in a row. I don't think it was that great. She might be in trouble.

Qrisse Allen - "Remember The Time" - He has the same leg movements as Dave Matthews. That's the second time I've mentioned Dave Matthews' legs in these Idol blogs. I thought he was good and sounded a little Jason Mraz-like at times. Damn it! Randy said the same thing as I typed that. I have to get a CAT scan to make sure my frontal lobe is missing. That would be the only way to justify this accord.

Allison Iraheta - "Give In To Me" - She's so good. It's scary. They really gave her a Kelly Clarkson makeover. Really ramming that comparison home, eh stylists? Eh? Plus I thought her line about not being too dark and cutting herself was hilarious. She does have a personality. She's coasting.

Anoop Desai - "Beat It" - They made Anoop look so tough. I don't know who would win in a fight, Michael Jackson in his red studded jacket or Anoop with his turned up collar. Either way, he had fun and that's code for should be going home.

Jorge Nunez - "Never Can Say Goodbye" - Oh, Jorge. Your last name is so exciting with the tilde AND the accent mark (Who has that?) but this was so boring. I, with Simon, could not wait for it to end. He went from one of the most likable to the worst. Might be going home.

Megan Corkrey - "Rockin' Robin" - Spiggles' mom is hot like her. Holy crap. I think I have beer hearing aids because she can do no wrong with this blogger. She deserves to be around for awhile. And she cawed. She cawed at the end. The judges were not pleased but she's safe. Look at her.

Adam Lambert - "Black and White" - Crikey. I can't figure him out. He's good at Adam Lambert but I don't know if I like Adam Lambert. The judges thought he was the best of the week. I'm still not on his bandwagon but he's more than safe. As an aside, can you hit notes that don't exist? My one dog does bark when Adam sings so maybe he can.

Matt Giraud - "Human Nature" - I thought it was a little boring. He sang it well but the arrangement was rough. The judges liked it and thought it was good enough to move on.

Alexis Grace - "Dirty Diana" - She sang strong and tried a little too hard but she's so good and she belongs on the show. My fear for her is the strange phone number they had to give her because they couldn't get "IDOLS 13." She might be in trouble because of that.

Since 2 are going home, I think it will be Jorge and Jasmine with a spoiler of Alexis because of the phone number thing.

Suckage Percentage: 5/13 (Way to prove me wrong, Idols)

NoBuddies - St. Patty's (Episode 6)

This is our St. Patrick's Day episode in time for...yeahhhh. If you watch it, you might learn something new about St. Patrick that you can use to impress your friends as it slurs out of your mouth on the 17th. Who doesn't want to bring up a factoid to buy yourself some time before you have to drop that shot glass into your fifth pint of Guiness? We, at NoBuddies, are looking out for you.



Bill finds the gang getting a head start on celebrating St. Patty's Day.

Bill - William Franke
Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White
Alexis - Catherine Nicora

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rockamic (ccMixter)

Tor's Product Review: Frickin' Scary M&M Babies

Wouldn't it be cute if they sold onesies for babies with the m&m characters on them? No? Well, what if that onesie had a matching knit hat with a hilarious m&m-related phrase on it? Still no, huh? Ok, what if it wasn't an outfit an actual kid could wear but a 6 inch doll? You want me to stop? Last try. What if that 6 inch doll had the face of a baby that upon seeing it delivered, the doctor pushed it back into the mother, then cut out his own eyes, and repeatedly yelled, "There is no god!" before diving out the fourth floor window? I'll take that hesitation as a solid maybe and introduce you to this wonderful collection from Heavenly Handfuls.

For $29.99 plus shipping and handling, you can own one of these hideous keepsakes. That's right! Only ONE! It will cost you over 30 bucks to get this thing that looks like a cross between an old man and a glowworm, especially if that geezer larva had soulless eyes. Don't like having your friends over all the time and then cleaning up after them? Half a foot of pure vinyl evil can be displayed prominently on a mantle to keep them from ever returning to your home again. Guaranteed! You can't put a price on that and, if you did, it would be more than this. Probably.

Why are you still looking at my blog? Buy them now!

American Idol - Top 36 (Wild Card)

We will get our final 3. My money's on Anoop, Megan, and Matt. There are rumors of a Top 13 but I'll stick to picking 3.

Jesse Langseth - "Tell Me Something Good" - I don't think the judges will be telling her...something...uh...you know the rest. Kara and Paula said that it was sexy but I think it looked more like she was having sex than being sexy. I kinda wanted them to pixelate her at points. A little skeevy. Probably not a Wild Card choice.

Matt Giraud - "Who's Lovin' You" - It started off really good and then he "riffed" way too much. At times it was amazing and other times it was overkill. He really wanted it and he sang his butt off. He showed every note he can hit (or almost hit). That's all you can ask after the Coldplay debacle. Simon said he reminded him of Taylor Hicks. I saw a little Ray Charles myself. He should got one of the spots.

Megan Corkrey - "Black Horse And a Cherry Tree" - I dropped the joy from her name because she dropped the joy tonight. It was not good but I just like her so much! I want to squeeze her until her tattoo comes off. The song choice was right but she is limited vocally. However, she got the Simon endorsement so she might be back. In fact, I'm going to be positive. Spiggles will be back! Who doesn't want to see that dance again? Girl's got guilty feet (comment if you get the reference).

Von Smith - "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word" - The beginning is rough but he'll belt it out to make it better. He's like Anwar from Season 4. Rough until the big notes. The judges thought it was too serious, even dark. His face during the judgment showed that he knew he blew it. Maybe he's better off shouting. He could make tons on a subway platform. Those trains are loud.

Jasmine Murray - "Reflection" - She didn't go with Rihanna. I would have put money on that. She was really good and controlled. I liked it a lot and I'm now worried about my 3 prelim picks. Simon thinks she could be in. I have to agree. Side note: If she doesn't make the Top 12, she can always be the "After" photo if Mo'Nique gets an endorsement from Jenny Craig and she doesn't feel like putting in the effort.

Thanks, Jenny Craig!

Ricky Braddy - "Superstition" - Bring it, tight pants! Skinny Jeans never stood a chance tonight. I actually thought he was good but you could tell the judges wanted nothing to do with him. I guess I'll skip to the next singer just like the judges did.

Tatiana Del Toro - "Saving All My Love For You" - Didn't she sing this last time? I love that it's awful. I love it. I love love love it. I love that I love that I love it. Kiss me, awful singing. Kiss me. When she reached towards the screen on the last note, I thought she was going to come through the screen and kill me a la The Ring. Also, she picked up an accent because she noticed it worked for Jorge Nunez. Psycho. She's crazy crazy. Like carve "American Idol 4 Eva" into her chest and then use the ink from a Bic pen to fill it in crazy. The farce needs to end now.

Anoop Desai - "My Prerogative" - Oh, Anoop. I actually did not like this at all but the judges did which I think is awesome. I like Anoop and feel he can come into his own as the contest continues. I really hope this doesn't come off as racist but he seems like a combination of every character Kal Penn has ever played. He's got the suaveness of Kumar. He's got the heart of Kutner. He's got the he-could-go-into-a-crazy-rant-at-any-time twinkle in his eye of Taj. Plus, I loved when he wasn't sure what Randy meant by Anoop Brown Dawg. He'll get a spot.

And the Wild Cards go to...

Jasmine Murray (Gastric Bypass Mo'Nique deserved it)

Megan Corkrey (Spiggles!)

Matt Giraud (Now that he's in and can use half of his dueling pianos, he can be a force)

Anoop Desai (Lucky 13)

That's it for me this week. I can't wait for this competition to really start so we can think things like "How did we let that person in?" or "I remember her singing a lot better" or "Why did they do 13? There's barely 5 good ones" and the like.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Medium Large

There are times in your life where you realize you are making things happen. When the world is your oyster and that oyster is really a Cinnabon in the shape of an oyster because I don't like real oysters. That cinnamon pastry oyster world was indeed mine last night. I went to see "The Watchmen" with the creator of the brilliant comic strip "Medium Large" and someone else. Well, that creator captured my and someone else's feelings* about the experience. I'm the guy on the left. Click to enlarge.

Thanks, Ces! This is one of the highlights of my life. Also on the list: when I was born and when I got married.

* My feelings can definitely be represented by "MEH" but what I actually said when the movie was over was: "I don't know why Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio got married. They really did not like each other." I said that because I'm a comedian and I wanted to say something funny and unexpected and I think I did just that. There was huge trailer talk. Great trailers!

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 3)

I apologize for this not going up yesterday but I had a bunch of stuff to get done and did not watch Idol until late last night. And even though I picked the three who made it, I figured you wouldn't believe me based on the posting's timestamp. When will we have trust, readers? When? This is going to be a long one. It will be split into Performances, Results, and Wild Card Thoughts.

PERFORMANCES

Von Smith - "You're All I Need To Get By" - It was pretty good. I thought it was rough at the beginning but then he hit some solid notes. Simon said he had a Clay Aiken vibe but I felt more of an Ed Grimley vibe. He apparently has a huge fan base and may get in the Top 12 based on that. Should he get in the Top 12? I don't know but he didn't shout the song so he's improving.

Von? Is that you?

Taylor Vaifuna - "If I Ain't Got You" - Bad song choice. Alicia Keys is never the right move. Aren't you supposed to learn that after 8 seasons? The percentage of people who have gotten favorable judge reactions for doing Alicia Keys has to be around 4. She didn't sing fast enough. Maybe she was singing slower to make the band slow down and, thus, maximize her time on the show since tonight's it for her. Good strategy.

Alex Wagner-Trugman - "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" - If they let you into the Top 12 based on effort, this guy should get in. They don't. Still, he put everything he had into it and growled like the T-Rex in Toy Story before Buzz Lightyear gave him the confidence he needed. He's not getting in but he was enjoyable at least.

Arianna Afsar - "The Winner Takes It All" - ABBA has never been done on Idol. Hmmmm. At least she's aware of who takes it all and I hope she will congratulate that person in 12 weeks. Also, she's a button.

Ju'not Joyner - "Hey There, Delilah" - He sang it in Hollywood Week which makes me already need it to be better than it will be. He turned it into a ballad. The problem is that it's not a very good song which is why the Plain White Ts sing it faster. The only reason this was bearable was his singing. He has pipes. He also has a handcuff hanging from his pants. What was that doing there?

Kristen McNamara - "Give Me One Reason" - I thought this was a safe choice. It's a cool song and she sang it but it didn't give her a chance to belt out more than a handful of notes. She should have been one of the top girls but she missed the chance. Maybe a Wild Card for potential but they're already handing out a lot of those.

Nathaniel Marshall - "I Would Do Anything For Love" - So tonight he has Meatloaf on his skin. I believe that's called shingles. He has a special look. I kept hoping Buffy would come and ram a stake in his chest. That kind of evil does not belong on the stage. I was surprised Simon did not call it cruise shippy or theme parky.

Felicia Barton - "No One" - She made it because Joanna Pacitti was disqualified. With her second chance, she is singing...Alicia Keys. Does she not read the blog I haven't put up yet? Anyway, she modeled her look after Alicia Keys in Smokin' Aces minus the lesbianism with Benjamin Button's mom. But does looking like the singer make you sound like the singer? Actually, it did. She was good and bumped that 4 percent up to 5. She may make the Top 12.

Scott MacIntyre - "Mandolin Rain" - He's blind, right? Cause he sang like I would picture Marlee Matlin sings at times. I know that seems mean but what I did was I took all the criticism the judges should have given him and combined them into one mean comment. He's an adult contemporary singer who will have a career. I don't doubt that. Should he keep going in this competition? It would be heartless to say no. So no.

Kendall Beard - "This One's For The Girls" - I'm not a country fan but I thought she did a good job. Will take the girl spot away from the future Alicia Keys black jack dealer at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas? Probably. For me, she is currently the top girl but Lil Rounds is still to come.

Jorge Nunez - "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" - He may look like a 24 villain but he sings like an angel. He had genuine tears when Paula started crying. He's in the Top 12 guaranteed.

Lil Rounds - "Be Without You" - She has a huge voice. She knows she has a huge voice and that she's a favorite and yet, she comes off as humble. Impressive. She enjoys the moment and it shows. Even Simon was nodding his head. She's through.

Predictions - Scott MacIntyre, Jorge Nunez, and Lil Rounds

RESULTS

The group song was horrendous. "Hot and Cold" does not sound good when Katy Perry sings it, let alone when 12 awkwardly-put-together people do. Let's move on to who got in.

Lil Rounds - Of course she got in. Even Idol couldn't figure out a way to make it suspenseful so they put her through right away.

Scott MacIntyre - Paper beats rock. Rock beats scissors. And blind beats country. Side note: My wife was fascinated with how Scott knew to look towards the camera during the dance number. I think we are heading towards a "Scott can see" conspiracy theory in the Tor household. Further side note: This is the reason our kids have no chance of being not disabled in some or many ways. Karma's a bastard.

Jorge Nunez - He was so happy and he deserved it. I'm not sure what he said in Spanish but I think I heard the word "apple" so there's that.

WILD CARD THOUGHTS

They picked eight wild cards that will sing for three spots tonight. This gives them better odds than in previous weeks. I know my fractions. Oddly, only one person got a spot from Week 3 even though I thought Week 3 was the best overall for performances. Here are the eight:

Von Smith - He can sing when he doesn't overdo it. The world doesn't need another Scream sequel. (Both in his singing and the movie. That's why the line works.)

Jasmine Murray - She's cute and she can sing. She messed up on the Sara Bareilles song but I expect her to be back and singing a Rihanna song. That's what the judges basically told her to do. American Idol needs Umbrella. I'm available for the Jay-Z part.

Ricky Braddy - He was the best singer that didn't get voted in. Simon doesn't really like him and that's why. Hopefully he can turn that around. You do need Simon's backing to win this competition.

Megan Corkrey - The Spiggler is back! (That would be my new nickname for her, a smush-together of Spastic Wiggler. It'll catch on.) I really enjoyed her and I think I have a crush. My wife's ok with it. Go Spiggler!

Tatiana Del Toro - This is a total ratings pick. It makes me so mad. I don't want to say anymore.

Matt Giraud - He deserved another shot based on his "Georgia On My Mind." I confuse him with Ricky Braddy sometimes and I think American Idol only has room for one of them. Some part of me wants him to create a love child with Braddy so I don't have to decide. I'll vote for Macky Giraddy.

Jesse Langseth - If only she would come back to Daniel Faraday, the way she comes back to our living rooms. Oh well. She was good and it will be good to see what she does with a second chance. Well, if all the previous second chances on Idol are any indication, I predict terribly.

Anoop Desai - I'm glad Anoop's back and he seemed genuinely shocked and thankful that he's getting another shot. I'm pulling for Anoop.

My preliminary three, sans performances, would be Anoop Desai, Megan Corkrey, and Matt Giraud. Be back tomorrow to see if we're right.

NoBuddies - The Fan (Episode 5)

We're starting to get into the groove. The new episodes are indicative of the show we are trying to make. I hope you will continue to check them out and pass them along.



Cal makes a new friend in the form of a fan.

Bill - William Franke
Alexis - Catherine Nicora
Cal - Kevin Tor
Gray - Sean McCormack
Girl - Sue White

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rockamic (ccMixter)

Tor's News Nuggets: 3/4/09

Bill Gates doesn't allow his wife or kids to own iPods or iPhones because they are made by competitors. This is pretty selfish but not as bad as when Sam Breakstone refused to let his family eat anything but sour cream and cream cheese. The Breakstones lasted seventeen days.

A man in the Netherlands has set up an answering machine for God. When you call, the machine picks up and says, "Hi, this is God. I'm not in right now. Yes, I understand that spits in the face of the whole omnipresent thing. Can't you just give a deity a break? I get so tired of having to (BEEP)"

At Liverpool Hope University, you can now earn a degree in The Beatles. This is a huge first step towards making my PhD in Veruca Salt a reality. My dissertation will be on the lasting effects of those who fought the seether.

A CNN article pondered the idea of using "green" bullets while hunting because they don't contain lead and are more environmentally friendly. Though I think if you ask any member of the wild game community, they would prefer "no" bullets. Too bad they can't speak.

Going To The Movies: Colonel Saul Tigh

Boy, was I excited when I got an invite to inhabit the dystopian lifestyle aboard the Battlestar Galactica for a few hours. Just to get away from all of my luxuries such as fresh water, a vast food selection, and hope for the future was a neat, little adventure. It's crazy that these people do this every day aboard a ship that's falling apart.

Anyway, back to happy thoughts. I was going to hang out and watch a flick with Colonel Saul Tigh! I met Colonel Tigh in the cafeteria with four fingers of whiskey in front of him probably trying to forget his Cylon-ness. Poor guy. We shook hands and made some small talk. I pulled out a DVD of A.I. figuring Tigh just needed a little tearfest to release the stress and turn that scowl upside...um...dowl? We ran into a problem though.

Colonel Tigh

What the hell is a DVD player?

Kevin

Oh, right. The future. Do you have a Blu-Ray player because that could play-

Tigh stares incredulously at Kevin. Well, as much as you could incredulously stare with one eye.

Kevin

You probably don't have that either. What do you want to do? I'm here for another 4 hours.

Colonel Tigh

I don't care what you do. I'm going to find the bottom of this glass and then fill it up again.

Kevin

Oooo, you're so dark. Can I join you?

Colonel Tigh

Suit yourself.

Tigh slides another glass over to Kevin and fills it. Kevin takes a sip.

Kevin

Sweet crap, that burns!

Colonel Tigh

You're Gods' damn right, it burns. Takes away the pain.

Kevin looks at the glass, picks it up, shrugs his shoulders, and takes a big gulp. Flashes of Kevin putting down an empty glass and Tigh filling it right back up. They toast and laugh repeateadly.

Kevin

(drunk)

Hey! Hey! I can do you!

Colonel Tigh

What'd you say?

Kevin

(drunk)

No. I didn't mean. I-I can do an impression of you. Watch.

Kevin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a device and presses it against his neck.

Kevin

(in perfect Tigh voice)

I'm Colonel Saul Tigh. Where's the old man? I don't give a frak about you or anyone else.

Tigh grabs Kevin by the neck and slams his head into the table.

Colonel Tigh

What the hell is that?!?

Kevin

(scared)

Uh...it's an electrolarynx. They give them to people who've lost their voicebox.

Tigh takes the device and looks at it. Kevin is nervous. A few excruciating seconds pass. Tigh presses the device to his neck.

Colonel Tigh

I'm me.

Kevin and Tigh break into uproarious laughter. Flash forward to them sitting at a piano together. Tigh is playing and Kevin has the device pressed into his neck. The bar patrons are hanging out.

Colonel Tigh and Kevin

(singing)

And I guess that's why they frakkin call it the blues.

Bar Patrons

(chorus-style)

Time on my hands!

Colonel Tigh and Kevin

(singing)

Could be time spent with youuuuu.

Tigh busts an ending solo and slams the last note. The bar goes crazy. Kevin stands up with device pressed to neck.

Kevin

(in perfect Tigh voice)

Thanks, everyone. We are Two Tigh Crew. You've been wonderful.

Flash forward to Tigh walking Kevin to his return Raptor.* They stop.

Kevin

I'm gonna miss you, Patches. I had a great time.

Colonel Tigh

If you're ever in the galaxy, you're always welcome on this ship.

Kevin

I appreciate that but it kinda smells in here. Next time, we should do this at my place. I could put the football game on. There's a couch. We could have pizza.

Colonel Tigh

I don't know what the frak you just said but I'm in.

Kevin

Alright, bring it in, ya crazy Cylon.

Tigh and Kevin hug with back pats for manliness. Kevin boards the raptor and the door closes.

*Special thanks to Adama for this.