Friday, January 16, 2009

New Doggie Low

First of all, Doggie Low would be a sweet rapper name and this temporarily takes my mind off the point of this entry. Blogs are supposed to be about revealing truth and as a comic, I've been told you have to just tell it like it is. Open your soul. Here comes my soul.

It's blisteringly cold here in New Jersey. I would gladly stay inside with my PJs on drinking hot cocoa but the dogs need to go outside. The last two days of walking them (impressed by how long I've gone in this entry without calling them the Siblings Jerkface?) have been horrible. Man gloves are not made to open poop bags. It's impossible and it's more of a pain to take off the glove, open the bag, pick up the excrement, tie the bag, and put the glove back on than it is to go bare-handed. This leads me to my troubling realization.

It's so cold out that I'm fine with picking up the poop. It's warm and provides my hand with temporary relief from the outside temperatures. I was disgusted when I put this together. I remember the day we got the dogs and how I didn't want to pick up their crap. I would walk behind them chanting, "No poop. No poop. No poop. No poop." Notice how I didn't say internally chanting. I was saying it out loud as I walked them. Do you see what these jerkfaces (almost made it) are doing to me? Didn't want to go near poop to needing it in my hands in a little over a year?!? 

I can't wait to go to Vegas next week. It's going to be a fecal-freecation. I'm not even going near the pool because the word is too close.

5 comments:

JPB said...

Ever do the 'fake dookie pickup?' When your dog has like, totally soupy poops and picking it up would require a hazmat team, so you pretend? You know, in case your bitchy neighbor is looking out her window and would totally report you to the Neighborhood ASSociation?

My dog has a sensitive tummy and gets the runs frequently; I'm a poop pantomime professional. I'm doing a workshop this weekend. It's a follow-up to last month's workshop: 'How to Remove the Grass/Shit Combo Platter That's Hanging Out of Your Dog's Ass and Make it Look Like You're Giving Him a 'Good Boy' Scratch.'

Kevin Tor said...

Wow, I don't feel bad about the level of grossness in my post. Your comment made it look tame. That is the most disgusting thing I've heard. I'm sorry your dog has a sensitive tummy. Wow, again. Pantomime is probably the way to go.

JPB said...

Do you want to know about his "ass juice" problem? See, dogs have these anal glands... Stop me if you've heard this before...

Kevin Tor said...

It took me a day or two to be able to come back to this and answer. I have heard that before. Oh, god, please, I've heard it before.

JPB said...

LOL!