Happy Thanksgiving

Nope. Nothing funny or attempting to be funny (depends how you view this site). Just simple holiday wishes from me to you, my loyal reader. So be safe and eat a ton (unless you can't for some medical reason then take a big sniff). 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Tor's Product Review: Sears Vs. Women's Movement

What do feminism and MC Skat Kat have in common? They both took two steps back. (I'm really proud of that one.) How did feminism take a step back you ask? Check out this ad I found in the Sears catalog:

Would you look at that? This holiday season you can give that special lady in your life "the laundry center she's always dreamed of!" Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Susan B. Anthony, and the President that Geena Davis played must be rolling over in their graves. Seriously, that's nowhere near the laundry center any of those fine women always dreamed of. Their dream laundry center would be so much more fun. It would come in pink with lots of sparkles all over. When either machine is running,  D'Angelo or David Cassidy would play. Every load of laundry (depending on size) that they complete would result in the dryer dispensing a certain amount of tickets like a skee ball game at the boardwalk. Then, they could trade in the tickets for the right to vote in an upcoming local election or the ability to eat in public. Doesn't that seem much better than the laundry center in the picture? C'mon, Sears, use your imagination.

Turns out they did:

Look how happy she is with her First Kenmore Stove and First Kenmore Fridge. Just adorable. Hey, I have an idea: If you buy the stove and fridge together, why not throw in an arm that she can use to smack herself in the face when she doesn't finish pretend dinner on time?
Wow, Sears. Wow.

Going To The Movies: Chuck Bass

I went to see a private screening for the second time in a row. I guess there’s something to going to the movies with Manhattan’s elite. I was shocked when Chuck Bass accepted my invitation and jumped at the opportunity to shoot the movie poop with a socially superior teenager. We went to see Twilight, the sure-to-be hit based on the massively successful novels.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

What?

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Do you really talk that low? Hold on.

Kevin gets up and grabs a megaphone. He comes back and places it in front of Chuck. Kevin presses "ON."

Kevin

Talk.

Chuck Bass

(through megaphone)

This is ridiculous.

Kevin

Perfect. How did you like the movie?

Chuck Bass

I didn't. I thought it was a huge waste of time.

Kevin

Really? I thought it would be right up your alley. You dress like a vampire.

Chuck Bass

My scarf costs more than your life.

Kevin

And it looks adorable on you.

Chuck Bass

I'm going to leave. If you'll excuse me.

Chuck Bass stands.

Kevin

Chuck, wait. I'm sorry. I guess I just get so jealous of the lush life you lead at such a young age. Smack talking is just a defense mechanism for me. I apologize.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass sits, rolls his eyes, and leans into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass

Apology accepted. Let's get on with this. I have an appointment with my financial advisor at 4:30.

Kevin

What didn't you like about Twilight?

Chuck Bass

The idea that a vampire, or any man for that matter, would risk his life in the name of love is absurd.

Kevin

How can you be so jaded at such a young age?

Chuck Bass

I'm merely a realist. The only person who truly matters in your life is yourself. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.

Kevin

Well, I think it was believable.

Chuck Bass

That's because people like you need to have Hollywood-manufactured hope to escape their mundane, little lives.

Kevin

Ok, I'm insulted. We're good here. This show's supposed to be fun.

(mocking Gossip Girl)

Spotted: Chuck Bass being a wet blanket on comic's movie show. Looks like this comic's relief will come when Chuck walks off the set. XOXO.

(normal to camera)

I'd like to thank Chuck Bass for coming by. He hated the movie like he hates everything else. Hopefully, his dad will give him a hug one of these days and he'll come out of that hug seeing the world in brilliant Panasonic color. I found the movie to be worth the hype. Tune in next time when I go to the movies with Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia."

There's No Getting Up This Time

I found this by my car yesterday at the supermarket. I guess you can only piss the night away for so long. And now I'd like to applaud the person who lasted the longest before they became fed up with tubs being thumped. Congrats on setting the bar at 11 years. Myself, I lasted three months and before I fed it to a goat that I then hit with a bus.

Going To The Movies: Jack Donaghy

When Jack Donaghy finally agreed to be on my show, I was elated. It took a rather extensive vetting process by his assistant, Jonathan, but I got through it with merely a warning.

Jack and I went to see "Quantum of Solace," the new James Bond film. We got a private screening in the Scheinhardt Wig Company's personal theater. I was pretty impressed with Mr. Donaghy's ability to procure a copy of the film being that it was Tuesday and the film did not officially come out until Friday. That state of impression lasted two minutes into the movie when the people on the screen began speaking in poorly dubbed German with no subtitles. 

Kevin

I don't know what we're going to talk about but let's begin.

Jack Donaghy

I really don't know why you're upset.

Kevin

The movie was in German and there were no subtitles!

Jack Donaghy

I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice. Germans would not appreciate you shouting in regards to their beautiful language.

Kevin

You speak German?

Jack Donaghy

Of course I do. I'm not a plebeian. Or plebejer.

Kevin

So you understood the movie.

Jack Donaghy

Well, I understood the words they were saying but as for the movie, it made no sense from a business perspective. Kevin, how many products do you think there should be in a 106 minute movie? Ballpark.

Kevin

What do you mean?

Jack Donaghy

Product placment. Like the coke at the party or the Ford-

(shudders)

that the Russian girl drove. How many do you think there should be in 106 minutes?

Kevin

(exasperated)

I don't know. Ten?

Jack Donaghy

What? No. 18997.

Kevin

(not interested anymore)

Wow.

Jack Donaghy and Kevin sit awkwardly across from each other for a few moments. Jack is staring Kevin down.

Kevin

You want me to ask you how you came up with that number.

Jack Donaghy

Yes I do. It's a very impressive formula.

Kevin

Fine. Jack, how did you come up with-what was the number?

Jack Donaghy

18997.

Kevin

Right. How did you come up with 18997?

Jack Donaghy

I'm glad you asked. The movie is 106 minutes as we stated earlier. According to a study at Simon Fraser University, home of the fighting Clan, the average human attention span is 8 seconds. That breaks down to exactly 795 attention spans in the movie.

Kevin

I don't think that's how it-

Jack Donaghy

You take that number and multiply it times the combined total of the number of non-duplicated breasts, 32, and the number of abs James Bond has, 8. So 40 times 795 which is 31800.

Kevin

Wait, how does Bond have 8 abs?

Jack Donaghy

The two muscular bulges on his chest are not pecs. They are two more ab muscles that, through the use of a customized undergarment, are repositioned on the body so as not to make him look like a freak. We actually sell a Greenzo-themed version in the NBS store.

Kevin

I'll check that out. Are we done?

Jack Donaghy

Almost, we forgot the Dame Judy Dench factor or the DJD. The DJD is a number representing the inverse hotness of the acclaimed actress, how much she detracts from the overall sexiness of the film. The current market has the DJD at 1.674. You divide that into our previous number, round up, and that's how you get 18997.

Kevin

Fascinating.

Jack Donaghy

Yes it is.

Kevin looks at his bare wrist.

Kevin

Oh, look at the time. That's it for our show. My thoughts on Quantum of Solace will have to wait. For what it's worth, it looked good. I want to thank Jack Donaghy for being here and, I guess, educating us.

Jack Donaghy

My pleasure.

Kevin

Right. See you next time on Going to the Movies.

Remember The 90s Products: House of Pain

This is the first video in a series of commercials from Remember The 90s, a product company helping your favorite music stars from the 90s make some extra scratch. This is the new product from House of Pain with spokesman Everlast.

Thanks to Francesco Marciuliano for directing it and providing me with water to soothe my throat.

Tor's Product Review: Part Fun, Part Onesie. Let's Call It A Funsie!

Babies go to the bathroom in their clothes and it's not their fault. That's why I think it's great that someone came up with this:

There's nothing like teaching your child to deflect blame at the earliest age possible. Is this supposed to be adorable? Think about the poor dog. Can the dog wear a shirt that says, "That baby's a frickin' liar!" Then the fight would be on, t-shirt style. I would continue to rant about this but then I ran across this shirt by the same company:

Nothing takes a messy problem and turns it into a laugh like an outdated shit pun. Am I right?I'm not. There is still poop in that baby's pants! What was the problem? Were these taken?

1. Crapper's Delight
2. Stools Rush In (To My Diaper)
3. A Turd In The Pants Is From Poo In The Tush
4. Carpe BM

Seriously, I weep for society. Leave babies alone. They deal with enough crap that we don't have to call attention to it and mock them.

Going To The Movies: Dr. Gregory House

I went to see Role Models with Dr. House over the weekend. Well, I accompanied him to the movie so that he could watch another doctor (Dr. Wilson?) go on a date. We sat a few rows back of that couple and House barely paid attention to the movie. Also, he told me to keep it down when I laughed and sent me for concessions multiple times.

Though House refused to come down to the studio to discuss the film, he did agree to let me interview him at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He sits across from me with his feet up on the desk repeatedly tossing a red and grey tennis ball up in the air.

Kevin

So, Dr. House, what did you think of the movie?

Dr. House

She was not his type.

Kevin

Are you talking about Elizabeth Banks' character with Paul Rudd?

Dr. House

Hmm? No, Wilson.

Kevin

The doctor we spied on at the-

Dr. House

It wasn't spying. It was research.

Kevin

That's great, Dr. House but I'd really like to continue with this interview.

Dr. House

Fine.

(yells out into hallway)

Kutner!

A younger doctor walks in. He looks like the guy from Harold and Kumar. Frighteningly similar.

Dr. House

Finish my interview.

Dr. Kutner

Is this for a journal?

Dr. House

Sure.

Dr. House gets up, grabs his cane, and leaves. 

Kevin

Uh, Dr. House?

Dr. Kutner

So who are you with? AMA? NEJM?

Kevin

Tor's Take. I take random people to the movies and we discuss them. Excuse me.

I get up and leave Dr. Kutner confused in House's office. I spend a good amount of time tracking down House. Two hours later, I find him watching a soap opera in the coma ward. I had to steal a doctor's uniform to gain access.

Dr. House

(sarcastically)

Hey, you're not a doctor.

Kevin

Are you really going through all of this to avoid the interview? Why did you agree to go to the movies with me?

Dr. House

Free popcorn and Goobers. Look, Keith-

Kevin

It's Kevin.

Dr. House

I'm surprised I was that close. You're a comedian, right? You should give it up. On a good day, five people read your website. You put all that effort in and what do you get? Nothing. You seem somewhat intelligent based on the fact that you got access to the coma ward. You could probably-

Kevin

Are you serious?!? I spend-

Dr. House

Stop it.

Kevin

I will not stop-

Dr. House

Does your eye always twitch like that when you get angry? Are your index fingers angled at the knuckle?

Dr. House gets up and approaches me and looks at my hands. He looks pensive.

Dr. House

Crap.

Kevin

What is it?

Dr. House

I don't know but you're about to pass out.

Dr. House grabs my arm and everything goes black. When I come to, I'm in a bed. It's my bed in my house. There is a video message on my phone. I hit play and Dr. House appears on the screen.

Dr. House

Sorry about that Keith but I didn't have time to keep playing games with you. Wilson was going on another date and I had to leave. You can write that I thought the movie sucked. The idea that helping others will make you a better person is a bunch of Hollywood hooey, contrarily evidenced by myself. Thanks for having me on your show. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds. I'm not kidding.

I throw the phone away from me. It hits the ground and tumbles.

Dr. House

Kidding again. You should use that in one of your skits. That is if you don't quit comedy like you should.

The message ended. I go to my computer and fire up the web cam.

Kevin

I liked the movie Role Models. I thought it was consistently funny and Paul Rudd was hilarious as always. I'd like to acknowledge (but not thank) Dr. House for being my guest. I hope he also returned my car and not just my unconscious body. See you next time on Going To The Movies when my guest will be Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock. That should be fun.

Fred

The following video was a finalist at the UCB Web Video Cram-Off and therefore aired as part of the New York Comedy Festival which is pretty frakkin' cool. You had one week based on the suggestion word "bait" to write, shoot, and edit a sketch. I'd like to thank Morgan Venticinque and Chris Sifflet for being in it as well as myself for writing it.

While this video is a loser, there is still room for it in my heart but it's towards the back of my heart where that slight weakness in the wall is that the doctors wouldn't detect even with a thorough heart examination* and which will kill me early.

* "A thorough heart examination involves removing the heart from the chestal cavity and looking all around it through those fancy magnification glasses that surgeons like to wear when they are doing tiny work." - American Journal of Medicine

I Didn't Think We Can

I descended the stairs today unconsciously singing "Ooh Child." Screaming "Someday!" over and over again on my way to the kitchen, I played back what happened yesterday. Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. 

I felt the same way. Way to take the first step in the right direction, America.

VOTE!!!!!

Voting is very important but don't just take my word for it. Take the word of someone you might be attracted to.

"I like someone who votes. Fixing my bike would be a bonus."

"Pulling the voting handle is good practice for me. See you after you vote."

"Um...woof?"

"Really? You want to get with me? A tree. Well, as long as you vote. Wait a second! I can talk! Oh my gosh! Do you think they'll have me on The View? I love Whoopi! I guess I can just march myself-oh, right....Just vote. I'll be right here."

Well, there you go. Get out there and vote. Someone special might be waiting for you when you get home.

Going To The Movies: Hiro Nakamura

I took Heroes' Hiro Nakamura to see Max Payne with me. I've been meaning to go to the movies with him for a while but he's been too busy sucking the life out of his TV show to make it. Finally, the timing worked out.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Hiro

Thank you for having me.

Kevin's chair falls. He gets up off the ground and sees the chair only has three legs. Someone brings a new chair.

Kevin

What the hell?

Hiro

"Sucking the life out of his TV show."

Kevin

Excuse me?

Hiro

I read the transcript of this show.

Kevin

You went forward in time just to read how this conversation was going to go and then you froze time to saw the leg off of my chair? 

Hiro smiles and nods.

Kevin

You really are a waste of superpowers.

Kevin is all of a sudden naked.

Kevin

And now you've undressed me. This is real mature.

(crosses legs)

We should talk about the movie. How did you feel about it?

Hiro

A hero does not act like that. A hero is not reckless.

Kevin

Yeah, but with your back against the wall and nothing to lose, don't you do whatever it takes to remove evil?

Hiro

A hero must be mentally strong and maintain honor. The forces of evil want you to be aggressive and not think properly. It is a hero's duty to resist the temptation to-

Kevin

(yawns loudly)

Sweet crap, you're more boring in person than on screen.

(losing patience)

Did you like the movie? Yes or no.

Hiro

The purpose of-

Kevin

(angrier)

Yes or no.

Hiro

No.

Kevin

Fine. To recap, I liked it. Hiro didn't. I want to thank Hiro Nakamura for being on the show. I wish him luck saving the world as dully as possible.

A lion roars from off camera.

Kevin

(incredulous)

You put a lion on the set.

Hiro

(smiling)

And he's hungry.

Hiro disappears from his seat. The roar gets louder.

Kevin

(frozen in place)

I hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies. Someone call animal control.

I'm Part Of The New York Comedy Festival!

I'm a part of something that Frank Caliendo is. Yeah.

I entered a sketch contest with UCB and the New York Comedy Festival last week. I found out that the sketch I entered was named a finalist. The winner is chosen using some mathematical formula involving judge and audience enjoyment. I think I'd like to win it. Please come and check it out and help me win.

The video stars Chris Sifflet and Morgan Venticinque. They do a fantastic job. I'm in it, too (but not a lot if that detracts from your chances of coming).

I think you will like the sketch and I anticipate that the other finalist videos will be better than mine so if you work that out, you are in for some evening.

Tickets and details for the show are here.

Adele's Bro

I was recently given the chance to be in a Sara Benincasa video and I jumped at the chance. Sara is bringing a new character to the world, Adele Marie Rankles. She's Haw Creek's finest aesthetician and just a real joy to listen to. In the second video of the series, I play Bobby Mac Rankles, Adele's brother (the straight one). There is no word on whether this will be a recurring role or, even if it is, whether I will be playing him again or get replaced (a la a soap opera) by someone with actual talent. Regardless, it was a lot of fun (except for two moments) and watching Sara improvise it all is retardedly impressive. She is going to be a star.

Here is the first Adele video:

Here is the second one that I'm in: