Tor's Product Review: Old Person Hat

They have grey hair, varicose veins, thick glasses, and a whole lot of shirt hidden below the top of their pants. They drive into parked cars, walk like a wind-up toy, complain about produce, and rarely bathe. They are so close to death, they smell like the oak that will surround them in the ground. But other than that, there's no real way to tell if someone is old and, therefore, should be paying less for certain things at certain stores.

Until now...

It's the "Don't Forget My Senior Discount" hat! No longer will old people have to go through mild strokes when the check comes with that extra ten percent.* No longer will they have to do that creepy, old person throat clear thing necessary to allow their speech. And most importantly, no longer will us younger people have to interact with them because most of the time they do give you the weather and not the news. Well, the weather if it rained phlegm and Polident. Not pleasant.

So bravo, makers of this hat. I approve and so does the guy in the picture. Look how happy he is.

* I know it's mathematically more than ten percent. Ten percent off is not the same as ten percent back on the price you took ten percent off of but that's not really the point of the blog entry. I also understand that some places like the movie theater go as high as thirty percent but, again, not the point. Let it go, man. Just let it go.