It's Called Goosey Night

All of my life, the night before Halloween was known as "Goosey Night," which is fine when you're in your little suburban New Jersey bubble. Venture outside of this bubble and the laughs begin. Let me take you back to my first October 30th at college:

Friend

Wanna do anything tonight?

Me

I don't really do anything on Goosey Night.

Friend

What?

Me

Goosey Night. The night before Halloween.

And then that friend punched me in the face and took my wallet yelling, "It's Mischief Night, sucka what?!?" All I can recall is the sweet falsetto at the end of that "what" before blacking out.

Look, I stand by Goosey Night like I stand by the state it comes from. Now, when people ask me what I'm doing for Mischief Night, I yell "Don't you mean Goosey Night?!?" and punch them in the face before they know what's happening. It's called Paying It Forward. 

According to definition number 7 at Urban Dictionary.com, "Goosey" is a "Texas word for sex." Sounds pretty good to me. A whole lot better than Mischief Night. What would you rather partake in? Mischief or Texas Sex? Seriously, think about all the things you can do with a partner when there are spurs, six shooters, Stetsons, and Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders involved.

Still not convinced? That's ok. You Mischief Night-ers may never see eye-to-eye with us on Goosey Night but I think we can all agree that the dumbest name would have to be "Cabbage Night." What the hell is that about?

Tor's Product Review: Lady Time, All The Time

Remember this old fight from freshman year of high school:

Girl 1

I hate you!

Girl 2

I hate you more!

Girl 1

I wish you had your period always!

Girl 2

Oh yeah? Well, I wish you had your period always...plus one!

Girl 1

I wish you had your period always...infinity!

Good times. Always remembers that fight too and came up with...

Always Infinity. As Adam Sandler's character Barry once said in an SNL sketch, "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" I think a woman wants nothing more than to think about that time of the month becoming the length of that month and every other month after that. Then the response to "What are you, on the rag?" can be "Well, I'm a woman between puberty and menopause, aren't I? So, I guess the answer is yes." Here's your period...FOREVER! Was "Always And For The Rest Of Your Miserable, Cranky, Bloated, Uncomfortable Life" taken? Wow. 

Well done, Always.

Tor's Product Review: Old Person Hat

They have grey hair, varicose veins, thick glasses, and a whole lot of shirt hidden below the top of their pants. They drive into parked cars, walk like a wind-up toy, complain about produce, and rarely bathe. They are so close to death, they smell like the oak that will surround them in the ground. But other than that, there's no real way to tell if someone is old and, therefore, should be paying less for certain things at certain stores.

Until now...

It's the "Don't Forget My Senior Discount" hat! No longer will old people have to go through mild strokes when the check comes with that extra ten percent.* No longer will they have to do that creepy, old person throat clear thing necessary to allow their speech. And most importantly, no longer will us younger people have to interact with them because most of the time they do give you the weather and not the news. Well, the weather if it rained phlegm and Polident. Not pleasant.

So bravo, makers of this hat. I approve and so does the guy in the picture. Look how happy he is.

* I know it's mathematically more than ten percent. Ten percent off is not the same as ten percent back on the price you took ten percent off of but that's not really the point of the blog entry. I also understand that some places like the movie theater go as high as thirty percent but, again, not the point. Let it go, man. Just let it go.

Going To The Movies: Dwight Schrute

Last night, I had the (let's go with) pleasure of going to the movies with Dwight Schrute of The Office fame. Actually, we didn't go to the movies. We attempted to see a sneak preview of Changeling.

Kevin

Dwight, thanks for being on the show.

Dwight Schrute

Thank you for having me.

Kevin

I guess we should talk about why you dragged me out of the theater halfway through the movie, brought me to the barn at your beet farm, and made me watch your cousin Mose perform your interpretation of what the movie should have been.

Dwight Schrute

I don't know what Clint Eastwood was thinking but his movie was not realistic.

Kevin

It's based on true events.

Dwight Schrute

I doubt it. That replacement boy was not the child of an elf, a fairy, or a troll.

Kevin

What?

Dwight Schrute

A changeling is the offspring of a fairy, troll, elf, or other legendary creature that has been secretly left in the place of a human child.

Kevin

Did you get that off Wikipedia?

Dwight Schrute

I made the entry.

Kevin

So Mose was playing one of those changelings.

Dwight Schrute

No. Were you even paying attention?

Kevin

Apparently not.

Dwight Schrute

Mose was a shapeshifter from the planet Ogdorp Six. He vaporized each person that got in his way with his Guante del Muerte and then assumed their form until everyone on Earth was eliminated.

Kevin

I did not get that at all. All I saw was Mose running around in a large dress for most of the four and half hours.

Dwight Schrute

He likes to incorporate mother's dress into most of his performances. It's a Mose signature.

 

Kevin

I'll keep an eye out for that.

Dwight Schrute

You should see his Mystic River. Pedophiles don't stand a chance against an omnipotent and vengeful body of water.

Kevin

I'm sure they don't.

(beat)

Well, that's our time. As usual, the movie discussion was light. From what I saw, Angelina Jolie was really good but I'll have to go back to the movies to see how it ended. Thanks to Dwight Schrute and Mose for an enlightening experience. Would you like to add anything, Dwight?

Dwight Schrute

Come out to Schrute Farms. Bring your family for a day of beet-related agrotourism fun. If you've never been to a beet farm in the fall, you are missing out. You can eat them right out of the ground. Mention this show and get four percent off your stay.

Kevin

Sounds great. Tune in next time. We don't have a guest booked yet and I can sort of understand why.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Anaconda 3

"Once you see this thing, you unload everything you can until it stops moving and you shoot only for the head." I may leave my wife for this movie. It pains me that I didn't think of this first. David Hasselhoff and man-eating, super snakes. This is going to be the number one movie of all time in Germany.

Other Things The Vice President Doesn't Do

When the liberal lefties start planting impossible to answer questions in third graders like Brandon Garcia to further their agenda, it becomes apparent just how dirty the democrats are playing this game. Since VP candidate Palin got the answer wrong and no one really knows what the Vice President does (or ever will), I thought I would make a list that comes from the other direction. Here are some other things the Vice President doesn't do:

1. Fly
2. Kill bugs dead
3. Take care of people Soprano's style
4. Take care of people any style
5. The Bartman
6. Rename the states so they're in alphabetical order West to East
7. Swallow swords
8. Perform autopsies
9. Pose for adult magazines
10. Chase waterfalls
11. Get their own video game
12. Travel through time
13. Leave home without it
14. Physically juggle babies
15. Control the CIA
16. Control NATO
17. Control the universe (Andy Richter's job, btw)
18. Run the country when the President is on a pee break
19. Get background dancers
20. Marry people at sea
21. Take two species and genetically engineer superanimals (or just funny ones he/she wants to see)
22. Prank call Hungary ("Hello?" "Yes. Are you Hungary?" "Yes" and hilarity ensues)
23. Poop where they eat (unless it's a medical problem)
24. Get a pet eagle
25. Come from Alaska

Madonna and Guy Ritchie Headlines

When I recently saw the headline, "Lock, Stock, and One Smoking Divorce Settlement," used to depict the end of Madonna and Guy Ritchie, I decided I could do much worse.

1. Desperately Seeking Separation
2. Who's That Girl...Leaving Guy Ritchie?
3. Annulment of Their Own
4. Evict-a
5. DroppinVoguer

Going To The Movies: Barney Stinson

Over the weekend, I went to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I was joined by Barney Stinson from the wonderful TV show, How I Met Your Mother, which can be seen on Mondays on CBS.

Kevin

Barney.

Barney Stinson

What uuuup? This is going to be legen-

Kevin

Barney, I'm going to have to stop you right there. I have a little challenge for you. You can't say "awesome" or "legendary" for the rest of the show.

Barney Stinson

Can I finish the one I started?

Kevin

No.

Barney Stinson

Jesus, Kevin, you take me to a chick movie with no chicks at our side. What is that about? Bro Code Article 46: Under no circumstances-

Kevin

Barney, I don't subscribe to the Bro Code.

Barney Stinson

Bro Code Article 47-

Kevin

I thought it was 46.

Barney Stinson

It was. I was starting a new one. Bro Code Article 47: All men subscribe to the Bro Code and shall not interrupt fellow bro announcing any article of the Bro Code. As I was saying, Bro Code Article 46: Under no circumstances can a bro incapacitate another bro's vocabulary after that bro accompanies original bro to a stupid movie with no dates. Now where was I? Oh right. Dary!

Kevin

Whatever. So you thought it was a stupid movie. I actually liked it a lot.

Barney Stinson

What could you have possibly liked about it? First of all, none of the characters wore suits. None of them. How are you supposed to be taken seriously in any endeavor if you don't dress seriously? You can't get a girl without a suit. 

(smirks to himself)

That's why they call them suitors and not dirty-zip-up-hoodie-and-skinny-jeans-ers.

Barney raises his hand for a high five.

Kevin

(shakes head)

You've done better.

Barney Stinson

(puts down hand)

Kevin, let's wrap this movie thing up. You liked it. I hated it. I can have us knee-deep in drunken college girls in ten minutes. We're right by Rutgers, right?

Kevin

Barney, first off, it's two in the afternoon. Secondly, I'm married.

Barney Stinson

Aha! If you were serious about your marriage, you would have said that first. Now, here's the plan. We're grad students studying pharmacology. College babes love drugs, legal or otherwise.

Kevin

No.

Barney Stinson

How about residents at insert name of local hospital? I'll google it right now.

Kevin

No.

Barney Stinson

You, sir, are the worst wingman I have ever met. I'm leaving and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Kevin

Thank you for being on the show.

Barney gets up and walks to the door. He stops awkwardly facing out of it.

Barney Stinson

(not facing Kevin)

Even if you came to your senses and said you would pretend to be my unnecessarily loud, financial adviser helping me figure out how to spend my newly inherited fortune due to the tragic death of my uncle who raised me from the time I was five because my parents had to go into hiding from the Russian mafia...

(breaking into fake tears)

 ...and they were not very good at hiding.

(back to no fake tears voice)

Not even then.

Kevin

(sighs)

Fine, but you need a better story for the inheritance.

Barney Stinson

(turns around)

I knew I could count on you.

Kevin

Let me just sign off. I want to thank my guest-

Barney Stinson

And best friend-

Kevin

We're not best friends.

Barney Stinson

(laughs sarcastically)

Right, Kevbo.

Kevin

Thanks to Barney Stinson for being on the show. We were split on Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. I felt it was a great story set to wonderful music. The acting was superb and there was real chemistry between Michael Cera and Kat Dennings. Barney felt otherwise.

Barney Stinson

It suuuuucked.

Kevin

Tune in next time when our guest will be Dwight Schrute from The Office. Looking forward to that. Good night.

McCain's Final Debate Notes

I was fortunate enough to get my hands on the paper that McCain was writing (and apparently drawing) on during the final debate with Obama. It really sheds some light on this man. 

Going To The Movies: Vic Mackey

I'm starting a new series on my blog where I take a TV character and discuss a movie with him or her. Today, I went to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua with Vic Mackey from The Shield. 

Kevin

Alright, Vic. Thanks for coming to the movies with me.

Vic Mackey

Let's make this quick. I got the Chief up my ass for dodging police work while I'm on the clock.

Kevin

Understood. What did you think of Beverly Hills Chihuahua?

Vic Mackey

It sucked. You got some pampered mutt getting her paws dirty south of the border finding help from lowlife scum. It's not easy to swallow.

Kevin

You felt sorry for the dog? Chloe?

Vic Mackey

Not at all. The only way man's Mexican best friend is helping Chloe is if there's the promise of some sweet Chihuahua dump hump on the back end.

Kevin

Dump hump? Creepy. So you didn't find the movie with talking dogs on an adventure believable.

Vic Mackey

Are you cracking wise, Tor? Because you and I can take a ride down to Cartel Town. I'll dress you up in the wrong colors, crazy glue some guns into each of your hands.

Kevin

Vic, I'm a comedian. I was being funny.

Vic Mackey

Were you? I thought you were being disrespectful.

Kevin

Can we get back to the movie?

Vic Mackey

Why? Don't like your kitchen hot? A little confrontational bear hug got your cojones in a vice?

Kevin

What?

Vic Mackey

Running narcos with Spanish bullion over Spook Street.

Kevin

Are you ok? Your eye is twitching.

Vic Mackey

Popping cherries down at the old folk's home with Ramon.

Kevin

Who's Ramon?

Vic Mackey

Biz Lats! Juice Newton! Pension! Badge! I.S.A.!

Kevin (O.S.)

Can we go to commercial? Something's wrong.

Cut to commercial for Friday's and cut back to show.

Kevin

And we're back. I want to thank Vic Mackey for coming on the show and I hope he recovers. I don't think he liked the movie though his criticism was lacking. I guess it's understandable, what with the stroke and all. Myself? I didn't care for the movie, either. We've gotten so spoiled with fantastic, talking animal movies over the past few years (Racing Stripes, Cats and Dogs, Blonde and Blonder) that this felt inferior from the opening scene. A real shame with how amazing the trailer looked. Well, that's our show. Tune in next time when our guest will be Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother. Very excited about that one. Good night.

Lions And Horses And Wait...What the F?!?

It's what can only be described as the scariest game of Cowboys and Indians ever. 

Seriously, though. China is training lions to ride horses. We're over here floundering under a vengeful economy and China is making the following happen:

What does China gain by making a faster animal ride a slower animal? If anything, the horse should be riding the lion but I guess that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? What's your angle, China? This can't be for war purposes because we don't fight many horse-based battles anymore. Is this a natural progression? You have to learn how to ride a horse before you can drive a tank? How many tank-driving lions do you have, China? How many? Six? Seven? 

Unless, they have a time machine and are planning to take these horse-riding lions back in time. They can rewrite history and become the most powerful nation in the world. We've all thought it, haven't we? What if Custer had a lion at Little Bighorn? What if a lion crossed the Delaware? What if a lion replaced Paul Walker in the movie "Timeline?" Where would we be? I'll tell you where. We'd be living on Easy Street wondering why we waited through two "Fast and the Furious" movies to replace Paul Walker with a lion. But no. China's going to get there first and we're going to be forced to watch Chris Tucker and a lion fight their way through three Rush Hours. Hey, lion, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? You just might. You just might.

MRI-aphobic

Yesterday I went for an MRI on my back which I have to do from time to time for reasons I don't like to share because I'm not a sharer. I have a fear of the MRI machine but it's not claustrophobia. I'm quite fine in an enclosed space. Is that because you spend so much time with your head up your own ass? No, italicized me trying to get a laugh, it's not.

One of my fears has to do with sneezing. I'm a violent sneezer. I don't sneeze often but when I do, damn! If I sneeze in that machine, I will knock myself cold. I seriously spend the eighty minutes in there hoping I don't get a nose tickle.

Another fear is that some shape-shifting seductress may have injected me with liquid metal any of the times I've woken up in a seedy, strip club bathroom. How would I know? Do I take a magnet off the fridge and rub it up and down my body? Is a fridge magnet strong enough to pull subcutaneous metal? I doubt it. I'm going to have to wait until they turn on the machine and the metal pulls through my body as I curse all the people who didn't believe there were mutants living among us.

Then, there's the flooding hospital fear as instilled by last week's Grey's Anatomy. A quick recap: The hospital hit an iceberg, from what I understand, and began to fill with water. It slowly worked its way through the building and eventually short-circuited the MRI machine. Now, the man occupying the MRI machine on the show did not die but I think that's just because they needed him for the rest of the episode. Had he not been the character that brings hope and purpose to the main characters, he would have died because that's what happens when electricity, water, and a human body mix together. I'm really glad this episode aired before my appointment.

I guess I'm just happy it's over. Not moving for more than an hour while horrible noises blare in your ear is not an enjoyable time.

McCain's Waddle

Have you seen McCain's waddle? I guess the appropriate word would be waddles. I think at last count there were eight, which gives him seven (or, in my book, eight) more than any person should have gracing their under-chin.

Look at that. They are dividing and multiplying with each passing week. I swear he only had four waddles in the first debate. I feel like when he shakes his head in disagreement he could dry off my car. These McCain waddles keep me up at night. Can't he tuck them into the shirt collar or wear a nice turtleneck? I'm not making fun of how old he is but when you reach a certain age, you're cold all the time. The turtleneck would work for him year round. You know what I just realized? He might already tuck them into the shirt collar and that's all he can fit in there like when you play that game: How Many Grapes Can I Fit In My Mouth. The rest has to stick out because the shirt is filled to capacity. Maybe his tie is just a painted waddle that comes down through the shirt top. It's gross but actually quite practical. Man, if he does win, can he make an exception and approve some pork barrel spending to get rid of it? Actually, maybe his skin just doesn't like him. That's gotta be it. Even his skin sees the ridiculousness in his platform and is trying to go in another direction. This could be Obama's new approach: "My opponent's body is rejecting his policies. Do you believe five thousand dollars is enough to reattach a man's skin to his body?" I really need to think about something else for a while.

Bringing Nolte Back

Nick Nolte's house caught fire the other night and I immediately saw the following picture in my mind:

It's so unfortunate. This mugshot has become the definitive image of Nick Nolte. This man has been so much more to our culture than this but when someone says the name Nick Nolte to you, you picture the mugshot. I want more for Nick Nolte. The man is a two-time Academy Award nominee. He made us believe that someone can be attracted to Barbara Streisand. He took down De Niro twice in the same movie. He gave us 48 Hours and then we wanted more than those so he gave us 48 more. The man gives and nobody gives back. You know who's one of the only people doing his part to make Nick Nolte's life better? Gary Busey. Nick Nolte is aging crazy, meaning the older he gets, the crazier he looks. So if you had put Nick Nolte in age progression software ten years ago, he would look exactly like Gary Busey today but no. Busey made sure it didn't happen. He looks like he had the same Amy Fisher makeover that Mary Jo Buttafuoco signed up for.

Thanks, Gary Busey, for being there for Nick Nolte, the way we all should. I want to live in a world where people think of the following Nick Nolte and not the mugshot. The man deserves it.

Is That A Gunn In My Pocket? I Wish!

I watch Project Runway. I've watched it since Season One when my wife and I got hooked on a Saturday Bravo marathon and didn't move from the couch for six hours. Now we are near the end of Season Five and I've been there for every "auf wiedersehen" and catty confessional along the way. However, what I love most about this show is Tim Gunn. I wish there was a Tim Gunn in my house at all times guiding me through my comedy creations.

I could be editing my YouTube video:

Tim Gunn

Kevin, what do we have here?

Kevin

This is my latest YouTube video. I was going for funny but different.

Tim Gunn

I'm concerned. It feels late 1990s SNL .

Kevin

It does? I guess I can cut it more here and here.

Tim Gunn

I would. Cut it as much as possible.

(beat)

Well, you have a lot of work to do.

Kevin

Thanks, Tim.

I could be writing a blog:

Tim Gunn

Kevin, tell me about this.

Kevin

I was trying to take the traditional blog and turn it on it's head.

Tim Gunn

It's definitely avant-garde.

Kevin

It is? I mean, it is.

Tim Gunn

It's exquisite. I love it. Carry on.

Kevin

Thanks, Tim. That makes me so happy.

When I get booted out of comedy:

Tim Gunn

We're going to miss you.

Tim Gunn hugs Kevin.

Kevin

(crying)

I'm going to miss you, too, Tim.

Tim Gunn

Now pack up your Mac and your camcorder. You're going back to teaching.

Cut to Kevin in the confessional.

Kevin

(to camera, choked up)

I really don't want to give up on comedy. I love it too much. This is not the end of the line for me. You will hear the name Kevin Tor again.

Pizza Hut Pasta Anniversary

Pizza Hut decided to take their pasta surprise party to a more intimate setting. They strike a deal with a husband who is supposedly cooking dinner for his wife on their anniversary.

Starring Meredith Jacobs and Kevin Tor

Written by Kevin Tor and Loly Tor

Directed by Chris Sifflet

Ye Olde Hiv

Researchers say AIDS can be traced back as far as 1884. I think it goes back even further. William Shakespeare had a little-known play entitled "Stratford-upon-Avon" in which the protagonist was a barrister dismissed from the Queen's Council for having a mysterious "pox in leopard semblance." He seeks the council of a solicitor "of Moor seed" and takes on the Queen's Council for "labour termination most foul." I don't want to ruin it for you but the hero loses when the Queen's Council uncovers he "laid with a simian fortnightly" thus dismissing the case under bestiality laws. Sadly, you can't make this stuff up. The evidence is astounding. AIDS has been around for a long time.