Rejected Young Money Lyrics

There is a hit song on the radio now by Young Money called "Bed Rock." The chorus contains the lyric, "Call me Mr. Flinstone. I can make your bed rock." This is very clever. What people don't know is that there were several failed attempts at cartoon-inspired innuendo before they landed on "The Flintstones." Read them and the reasoning behind passing on them below.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Mr. Jetson. I can make your Ass-tro."

Reasoning Against: Well it has the word "ass" but a "tro" isn't anything especially not a verb.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Liono. I can make your Mum rah."

Reasoning Against: It's for when you have a thing for British mothers and also for less enthusiastic cheerleaders so you get both. Still confusing.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Captain Baloo. I can make that Tail Spin."

Reasoning Against: It's pretty good but there's a hint of bestiality.

Bad Lyric: "Call me G.I. Joe. I can make my Cobra Command Her."

Reasoning Against: Clever but there's really no one called G.I. Joe so this falls apart. Also the lyric is supposed to be aimed at a girl not someone in the third person.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Gargamel. I can make your Stinky Smurf."

Reasoning Against: This might actually be an insult when translated from Smurf-speak.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Hanna-Barbara. I want to give you my Chilly Willy."

Reasoning Against: It doesn't really sell you to the woman as cold things are not appetizing as evidenced by bras in the freezer pranks.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 24 (Eliminations)

There's something fun about seeing the first week of group song lip synching. Nobody knows how to do it. Just wonderful. Can't wait for next week's 20 person take on "Tik Tok" with Bowersox starting off, "Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy."

Going Home:

Janell Wheeler - I did not expect her to go home. She was one of the weaker girls on Tuesday but she deserved another shot. She's now going to go the way of what's her name from Season 5 and what's her name from Season 2.

Ashley Rodriguez - She never really got highlighted in the weeding out process and, while that worked for Kris Allen, it didn't work for her. She seemed swell.

Joe Munoz - I got this one right. I will take this paragraph to congratulate myself on a choice well done. I have been watching American Idol for a long time and I have a good grasp on how the public votes. You see, his hairline was converging on his face and America sees that. They don't want someone whose face is blocked by hair. Can't see his mouth, his eyes. Ew.

Tyler Grady - This was surprising. I thought he had the teenage girl vote based on his sexy, ugly confidence but I guess not. He took a shot at the judges for not giving him enough criticism, too. It's always a smart move to go out on bottom.

Final Thought: I got 50 percent on this one. Not bad. It's so random at the beginning. Terrible isn't enough to go home. Much like Private Ryan, it is up to Lacey Brown and Jermaine Sellers to earn this. Unfortunately (especially with Lacey), I don't know if they can. See you next week when the singers, and hopefully this blogger, will be more comfortable and ready to shine.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 24 (Boys)

It's the boys' turn and Simon's wearing a nice button-down shirt. Unbuttoned to his crotch, but nice.

Todrick Hall - "Since You've Been Gone" - He seems to have the same problem that I had with Adam Lambert. He comes off fake. I like that he made the song different. It didn't sound very good but I think he can fake being good long enough to make it further. Proof that I'm on the right track? From Adam Lambert's Twitter - "Toddricks def gonna surprise us!! Mad talent!! Def the full package." Nailed it!

Aaron Kelly - "Here Comes Goodbye" - He doesn't have any confidence but he's 16. Confidence will come as he realizes a million girls - just like the ones who ignored him completely up to this point at his school - will want to marry him. He seems like a nice boy. He'd do the honorable thing. Safe.

Jermaine Sellers - "Get Here" - He sang like someone who can't sing at the beginning, very quiet. And then he hit the big notes which were also sung like someone who can't sing. If he has one thing going for him, he makes facial expressions like a good singer. Probably not enough.

Tim Urban - "Apologize" - When Kris Allen did this song last year, I was hoping he would skip the falsettos and do "Too Late" part in his regular awesome voice. He didn't and it was probably one of the weaker performances for Kris last year. Tim made Kris' version seem like one of the greatest moments in Idol history. He could be in trouble.

Joe Munoz - "You and I Both" - Goes with the stool and the stand up on the chorus template. That's classic Idol. The problem with the performance is Jason Mraz is so good that it paled. Joe might be talented but it didn't show this week. Also, my wife says he is ugly and has rapist eyes. So there's that.

Tyler Grady - "American Woman" - Why is he so likable? It was shouty and weird but I still want him on the show. The judges' consensus is that his 70s style and mannerisms have to go. I'm thinking lots of tin foil and robot moves. Take it 40 years in the other direction, Tyler. So likable.

Lee Dewyze - "Chasing Cars" - I liked this one and so did Simon. We might have been the only two. The guy is good. Up to this point in the night, he was the best one. I like how he pushed this song from the slow-paced original. If he was more in tune, I would want to own it. I maintain that's a complement.

John Park - "God Bless The Child" - Oof. I liked him after his audition. His Shania Twain package was great, too. Reminiscent of the fun Anoop Desai brought. However, he failed to bring the Anoop fun to the song. This was dull. I know the song is personal but what made him think this was the right choice for America's first impression? I would have rather he came out and blasted an air horn for 90 seconds instead.

Michael Lynche - "This Love" - Maybe it's because he had a baby girl and I see him as dad competition but I think he's pretty terrible. Big Mike sounded like a cruise ship. I'm aware that I didn't put "singer" on the end of that. He sounds like a cruise ship - gurgle-y, watered-down, the occasional toot. He'll be fine because he's happy and people like happy.

Alex Lambert - "Wonderful World" - I was wondering how he was going to make it without his unnecessary ukulele from Hollywood Week but it seems his awkward powers lie in his mullet. He actually has a good voice and if he stops clutching the microphone like it's an unpinned grenade, he can do well.

Casey James - "Heaven" - They spent way too much time on Kara's "crush" on him. I like that he chose this song amongst all the nonsense. If you embrace Idol's nonsense, you can do better than if you try to transcend it. The singing was ok. He never pushed his voice so it stayed in one place. Still, I'll take this over most of tonight's guys.

Andrew Garcia - "Sugar, We're Going Down" - He is so smooth. I liked this version. People are probably going to tire of his "Take a song that's upbeat and make it acoustic and nice" approach but I want it. I want it so bad. I don't know if he has the ability to do anything else but, frankly, I don't care. He's my favorite. Though, Danny Gokey was my favorite this time last year. Hmmm.

Bottom Three: Jermaine Sellers was the worst of the night. I will also go with John Park who should be fine and hopefully scared into stepping up next week. The last spot will be Joe Munoz, more as a guess of America's style than a deserved placement.

Going Home: Jermaine Sellers and Joe Munoz

American Idol Season 9 - Top 24 (Girls)

American Idol posts are back on Tor's Take but, like the Top 24, a little nervous and tight out of the gate.

Paige Miles - "It's Alright Now" - The Top 24 gets off to a rocking start. Well, by categorization. She adds h's to the front of words. Doctors will tell you that a soft h sound contributes to bladder control which is good because she was sewn into her outfit and had to pee for 5 hours. Thanks, Seacrest interview.

Ashley Rodriguez - "Happy" - I don't know this song. It did not seem like she was singing the same one the band was playing. However, the background singers were with her. That's good because, at a live show, you want at least 2/3rds of the lead singer/background vocals/band combination to be performing the same song. Regardless, this was pretty bad.

Janell Wheeler - "What About Love?" - This is someone who did their Idol homework. Last season, Allison Iraheta knocked a Heart song out of the park and jumped into the lead. Janell doesn't have the voice to do Heart so I cannot accept her homework. And there will be no extra credit. The would be unfair to the rest of the class. Not good but she has the "look" so Simon gave a minor complement that should keep her around.

Lilly Scott - "Fixin a Hole" - She's like Jewel but from Colorado. I got all ready to post a "She should skip the singing and go straight to obscure poetry" shot but she was cool. I like what she did with this. Obscure Beatles song is the way to go. Also a rare quality and thought-out Randy Jackson critique. Nothing is predictable.

Katelyn Epperly - "Oh Darlin" - Two good ones in a row. Clarification: Two good ones in a row by comparison to the terrible start. She's cute and safe. I agree with Kara that she's dressed too sexy. Randy thinks she "can go places and do stuff." Welcome back, Randy and predictability.

Haeley Vaughn - "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" - The stylists were like, "More white! More glitter! More! More! More!" She smiles and moves like she's in the Chuck E. Cheese band. Regardless, I dug what she did with the arrangement and the phrasing. If she had incorporated a voice that wasn't annoying, she might have had something. As it was, it was bad as Simon said.

Lacey Brown - "Landslide" - Really, really bad. Worst of the night and probably the end of the line for her. I really wanted her to be good. I like her whole "I'm what a hot 40 year old wants Botox to make her look like" appearance. At least she made it further than last year.

Michelle Delamor - "Falling" - The opening was cool because she did it differently than Alicia Keys. But then she just tried to sound like her which is hard because Alicia is soooo good. And now I'm becoming a judge sound-a-like and I don't like my chances of coming back next week. I'm forgettable.

Didi Benami - "The Way I Am" - She managed to slow down an already slow song. How does that work? The good news is that she didn't cry so I guess she mixed it up this week. This song works for my iPod but not for American Idol. This is the second time someone sang this song this season and Simon did not like it either time even though both did a good job. It's time for Ingrid Michaelson to step in.

Siobhan Magnus - "Wicked Games" - She is so weird. Ever since Ellen told her to make her look younger, she dressed more like a child each appearance. I'm glad the stylists stepped in before she came on stage in a diaper and protective mittens. Even though she can sing on key in the voice of a woman impersonating a man, I don't think she should. She will be fine, however.

Crystal Bowersox - "Hand In My Pocket" - It was good but I've been more blown away by her in the past. She is the the leader of the females which is good because Kara thinks she has the ability to take us on a journey. One second, Bowersox, I have to pack an overnight bag. Stop talking in cliches, Kara. Talk like a person.

Katie Stevens - "Feeling Good" - It made me uncomfortable. She's 17. Why was this allowed for a girl who has been portrayed as sweet, nice, and family-oriented? I'm too disturbed by this. She'll be back next week. Probably in leather strutting to Christina Aguilera's "Dirty."

Bottom Three: How do I narrow this down? Lacey Brown is a given. There was nothing salvageable from that one. Ashley Rodriguez and Haeley Vaughn should finish up the trio.

Going Home: Lacey Brown and Ashley Rodriguez

Tor's New Portmanteaus

No, they aren't tortmanteaus or portmantors. Though those would be fantastic examples. These are words that are the combination of two other words a la "smoke" and "fog" make "smog."

Jesustenance - A way of living in which a human survives solely by consuming Communion wafers and church wine.

ProfessioNell - Someone who spends his/her life devoted to the impersonation of "Gimme a Break" star, Nell Carter. Also known as "The roulette dealer you can't identify at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas."

Afrog - The main character in a famous 1970s Toadsploitation movie. Afrog was a framed amphibian put in jail after cops found drugs and stolen merchandise at his lily pad. Afrog spends the rest of the movie clearing his name while maintaining his pond cred.

Spermanent - A hairstyle from the 90s made popular by Cameron Diaz in the movie, "There's Something About Mary." Does not last as long as a regular permanent.

Portreat - The ultimate in narcissistic edibles, a cracker in the likeness of the consumer.

Parliamentos - Known as "The Lawmaker," they are a brand of mints exclusively used by England's government.

Cromance - An overly-friendly relationship between two early modern humans. Though the persons labeled will deny it and just say they are being cros.

Spluge - A variant on the popular sledding sport. After a long slide down the track, the sledder hits a bump and takes a dive into a water pool. Points are awarded for dive tricks.

Whoremality - The point in an illicit evening of passion when the relations are over and the prostitute wants to leave but needs to get the payment. If you are the John, get this out of the way as you don't want to meet her boss.

The Ice Dancing Brother Sister Kama Sutra

There is nothing more sensual than a male and female sibling dancing upon frozen water adorned in the costume of stereotypes. Nobody does it better than Sinead and John Kerr which is why I was so glad they volunteered to be the models for this, the first ever Ice Dancing Brother Sister Kama Sutra. Let's get creepy sexy.

THE BUCKET SIS

This is similar to a Crotch-Touching Crab Walk except at the end, your sister bends her waist allowing her soft upper thighs to provide the comforting lumbar support of a luxury car's bucket seat. Sibling Carnal Meter: 4 Frightening Flames

BROTHER UPSKIRT VIEW
Remember all of those times that your brother looked up your skirt. Well, next time you are feeling offensively Scottish, you can get your revenge. Have your brother get in his finest Oompa Loompa stance. Throw yourself over his strong knee extending your body straight and gaze upon your brother's undercarriage. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

HUNCHBACK OF BRO-TRE DAME

Though you aren't hideous, your weird relations with your brother have caused your parents to abandon you. Your only task is to ring that bell and your brother is the rope. Pull him. Pull on your brother with all you've got. Sibling Carnal Meter: 1 Frightening Flame

THE BROPOSAL
While your brother isn't proposing to you, know that he wishes society would let him. Place your desperate groin on your brother's knee. You are the jewelry box and he is presenting you and all your beauty. Your ass points up as his strong hands hold you at the smooth bend of your knees. Throw your head back in ecstasy. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

ERR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Your bodies are like powerful airplanes moving through the sky. Keep your arms out to the side. Your brother wasn't on your radar nor were you on his but it's too late for that now. Place your sexy sisterly waist between your brother's knees. He's so strong. Your faces are inches apart. It's like when you were 5. He's not touching your face. He's not touching your face. Yet. Sibling Carnal Meter: 5 Frightening Flames

PROSTHETIC LEG
Your brother's strong leg no longer works. You have to replace it. You've always wanted to be a part of him and now you can. Wrap your arms around your brother's hungry torso. Become his leg. Help him skate. Sibling Carnal Meter: 2 Frightening Flames

FUTURE SEX/LOVE SIBLINGS
Imagine yourself in the future. The walls of injustice have come crumbling down and society recognizes a love that was once forbidden and still should be. Hold your sisterly body taught with anticipation. Your brother massages his temples to calm down his excitement. Form a canon and destroy that ground with sibling lust. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

Tiger Woods Pickup Lines

Excuse me, Miss, are you looking for the fairway? Because you coming back to my hotel is the only fair way for this evening to go.

Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major?

Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it?

Is your body a shot that comes up short on the 17th hole of the Old Course at St. Andrews because I can see it rolling around in the sand?

Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I'd like to (indicates self) see you on a T?

Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Because I'm going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark.

Are you sure you aren't all four majors because you would be a grand slam?

Are you into kinky stuff? How would you like to do something I won't do for anyone on the PGA tour? I'll let you beat me.

Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing?

Obviously I'm a man that loves Gatorade and I'd definitely like to raid your gato. That's mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word for...you get the idea. I'm Tiger Woods.