I'm Part Of The New York Comedy Festival!

I'm a part of something that Frank Caliendo is. Yeah.

I entered a sketch contest with UCB and the New York Comedy Festival last week. I found out that the sketch I entered was named a finalist. The winner is chosen using some mathematical formula involving judge and audience enjoyment. I think I'd like to win it. Please come and check it out and help me win.

The video stars Chris Sifflet and Morgan Venticinque. They do a fantastic job. I'm in it, too (but not a lot if that detracts from your chances of coming).

I think you will like the sketch and I anticipate that the other finalist videos will be better than mine so if you work that out, you are in for some evening.

Tickets and details for the show are here.

Adele's Bro

I was recently given the chance to be in a Sara Benincasa video and I jumped at the chance. Sara is bringing a new character to the world, Adele Marie Rankles. She's Haw Creek's finest aesthetician and just a real joy to listen to. In the second video of the series, I play Bobby Mac Rankles, Adele's brother (the straight one). There is no word on whether this will be a recurring role or, even if it is, whether I will be playing him again or get replaced (a la a soap opera) by someone with actual talent. Regardless, it was a lot of fun (except for two moments) and watching Sara improvise it all is retardedly impressive. She is going to be a star.

Here is the first Adele video:

Here is the second one that I'm in:

It's Called Goosey Night

All of my life, the night before Halloween was known as "Goosey Night," which is fine when you're in your little suburban New Jersey bubble. Venture outside of this bubble and the laughs begin. Let me take you back to my first October 30th at college:

Friend

Wanna do anything tonight?

Me

I don't really do anything on Goosey Night.

Friend

What?

Me

Goosey Night. The night before Halloween.

And then that friend punched me in the face and took my wallet yelling, "It's Mischief Night, sucka what?!?" All I can recall is the sweet falsetto at the end of that "what" before blacking out.

Look, I stand by Goosey Night like I stand by the state it comes from. Now, when people ask me what I'm doing for Mischief Night, I yell "Don't you mean Goosey Night?!?" and punch them in the face before they know what's happening. It's called Paying It Forward. 

According to definition number 7 at Urban Dictionary.com, "Goosey" is a "Texas word for sex." Sounds pretty good to me. A whole lot better than Mischief Night. What would you rather partake in? Mischief or Texas Sex? Seriously, think about all the things you can do with a partner when there are spurs, six shooters, Stetsons, and Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders involved.

Still not convinced? That's ok. You Mischief Night-ers may never see eye-to-eye with us on Goosey Night but I think we can all agree that the dumbest name would have to be "Cabbage Night." What the hell is that about?

Tor's Product Review: Lady Time, All The Time

Remember this old fight from freshman year of high school:

Girl 1

I hate you!

Girl 2

I hate you more!

Girl 1

I wish you had your period always!

Girl 2

Oh yeah? Well, I wish you had your period always...plus one!

Girl 1

I wish you had your period always...infinity!

Good times. Always remembers that fight too and came up with...

Always Infinity. As Adam Sandler's character Barry once said in an SNL sketch, "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" I think a woman wants nothing more than to think about that time of the month becoming the length of that month and every other month after that. Then the response to "What are you, on the rag?" can be "Well, I'm a woman between puberty and menopause, aren't I? So, I guess the answer is yes." Here's your period...FOREVER! Was "Always And For The Rest Of Your Miserable, Cranky, Bloated, Uncomfortable Life" taken? Wow. 

Well done, Always.

Tor's Product Review: Old Person Hat

They have grey hair, varicose veins, thick glasses, and a whole lot of shirt hidden below the top of their pants. They drive into parked cars, walk like a wind-up toy, complain about produce, and rarely bathe. They are so close to death, they smell like the oak that will surround them in the ground. But other than that, there's no real way to tell if someone is old and, therefore, should be paying less for certain things at certain stores.

Until now...

It's the "Don't Forget My Senior Discount" hat! No longer will old people have to go through mild strokes when the check comes with that extra ten percent.* No longer will they have to do that creepy, old person throat clear thing necessary to allow their speech. And most importantly, no longer will us younger people have to interact with them because most of the time they do give you the weather and not the news. Well, the weather if it rained phlegm and Polident. Not pleasant.

So bravo, makers of this hat. I approve and so does the guy in the picture. Look how happy he is.

* I know it's mathematically more than ten percent. Ten percent off is not the same as ten percent back on the price you took ten percent off of but that's not really the point of the blog entry. I also understand that some places like the movie theater go as high as thirty percent but, again, not the point. Let it go, man. Just let it go.

Going To The Movies: Dwight Schrute

Last night, I had the (let's go with) pleasure of going to the movies with Dwight Schrute of The Office fame. Actually, we didn't go to the movies. We attempted to see a sneak preview of Changeling.

Kevin

Dwight, thanks for being on the show.

Dwight Schrute

Thank you for having me.

Kevin

I guess we should talk about why you dragged me out of the theater halfway through the movie, brought me to the barn at your beet farm, and made me watch your cousin Mose perform your interpretation of what the movie should have been.

Dwight Schrute

I don't know what Clint Eastwood was thinking but his movie was not realistic.

Kevin

It's based on true events.

Dwight Schrute

I doubt it. That replacement boy was not the child of an elf, a fairy, or a troll.

Kevin

What?

Dwight Schrute

A changeling is the offspring of a fairy, troll, elf, or other legendary creature that has been secretly left in the place of a human child.

Kevin

Did you get that off Wikipedia?

Dwight Schrute

I made the entry.

Kevin

So Mose was playing one of those changelings.

Dwight Schrute

No. Were you even paying attention?

Kevin

Apparently not.

Dwight Schrute

Mose was a shapeshifter from the planet Ogdorp Six. He vaporized each person that got in his way with his Guante del Muerte and then assumed their form until everyone on Earth was eliminated.

Kevin

I did not get that at all. All I saw was Mose running around in a large dress for most of the four and half hours.

Dwight Schrute

He likes to incorporate mother's dress into most of his performances. It's a Mose signature.

 

Kevin

I'll keep an eye out for that.

Dwight Schrute

You should see his Mystic River. Pedophiles don't stand a chance against an omnipotent and vengeful body of water.

Kevin

I'm sure they don't.

(beat)

Well, that's our time. As usual, the movie discussion was light. From what I saw, Angelina Jolie was really good but I'll have to go back to the movies to see how it ended. Thanks to Dwight Schrute and Mose for an enlightening experience. Would you like to add anything, Dwight?

Dwight Schrute

Come out to Schrute Farms. Bring your family for a day of beet-related agrotourism fun. If you've never been to a beet farm in the fall, you are missing out. You can eat them right out of the ground. Mention this show and get four percent off your stay.

Kevin

Sounds great. Tune in next time. We don't have a guest booked yet and I can sort of understand why.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Anaconda 3

"Once you see this thing, you unload everything you can until it stops moving and you shoot only for the head." I may leave my wife for this movie. It pains me that I didn't think of this first. David Hasselhoff and man-eating, super snakes. This is going to be the number one movie of all time in Germany.