Tor's News Nuggets: 10/26/09

These are last week's rejections from iLarious (a fantastic iPhone app you should own).

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. No worries. The resilient museum has relabeled it "Authentic Lilliputian Rope Used To Restrain Gulliver."

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. The museum is now concerned about the validity of the main hall's Electra plane with Earhart's skeleton in it.

Megan Fox said that, even though she is bisexual, the kissing scenes for "Jennifer's Body" gave her trouble. She also said that she loves getting her T-shirt wet but she's having trouble with this nearby hose and then pouted invitingly.

The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, told Radar Online that she thinks Jon Gosselin is "hot." Tune in next week for a special episode of "Awful and Way Too Fertile Wife Swap."

Halloween stores everywhere are reporting that Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out. Halloween 2009 - "The Worst Night of Jon's Life."

A recent report says that Bernie Madoff is eating prison pizza that was made by a child molester. Madoff likes the pizza but he doesn't like that he has to receive it while wearing a sailor suit and holding a lolly.

A high school in Chicago has 115 students that are pregnant or already have kids. Interestingly enough, the school has 115 less male students than it did before.

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. She apologized and said that some of her best friends are reverends.

The Sesame Street theme song was played during the interrogation and torture of Gitmo detainees. It always preceded the lesson of "One of these testicles will not be like the other."

A 19-year-old became the youngest ever winner of the Monopoly World Championships. Unfortunately, he was 12 when the match started.

Ashlee Simpson has been axed from the show, Melrose Place. "That's a decent start," said everyone on the planet.

On his radio show, Howard Stern furiously called out Jay Leno for allegedly stealing sketch ideas and using them on his talk shows. "I would never steal from him," said Leno who took a break from filming a new bit about a superhero that passes gas.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/21/09

More from the iLarious rejection vault:

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. Guess she walked away from those shoes she said she would die without.

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. She further impressed people by taking the award and driving home competently.

*Blogger's Note - We at Tor's Take do not condone the previous two jokes. We just post what our sexist boss tells us to. Back to the jokes.

Robert Pattinson, the hunky star of the "Twilight" movies, told People magazine that he has trouble finding a date. He went on to say that only you are the one for him, 8th grader Dana Becker from Topeka, Kansas. You can talk to him at the following 900 number.

On this date in 1773, Charles Messier discovered the Whirlpool Galaxy. Apparently, he was the first Frenchman to ever enter a Sears.

Zach Braff has come forward to dispel an internet rumor that he committed suicide by swallowing pills. Braff said, "There are better ways to commit suicide," looked off into nothingness for two minutes, and then giggled nervously.

According to a judge's decision, Jon Gosselin has been ordered to pay Kate $180,000 or essentially what he spends every week at the Ed Hardy store.

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a new bill into law on Sunday that will fine paparazzi for taking pictures that invade a celebrity's privacy. Some people think the bill was drawn up to protect celebrities but it was actually to hear Schwarzenegger say "paparazzi" over and over.

A 1638 lb pumpkin from Iowa won the 36th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off. Somewhere, Linus is punching Charlie Brown in the nards.

Singer Leona Lewis was punched at a signing for her new book, "Dreams." The attacker wanted to prove that she doesn't actually bleed love.

(From the 16th) Today is National Boss Day or the Worst Day To Be A Female Letterman Intern.

After believing a little kid's story and causing a media frenzy, some people are questioning the intelligence of the authorities that handled the situation with Falcon Heene, the "Balloon Boy." "We have it all under control," said the local sheriff as he Mirandized the attic.

The FDA is warning people not to buy Swine Flu drugs online. They say to definitely avoid Swine Flu drugs that also promise a clean colon and six more inches on your penis.

Kara DioGuardi, host of American Idol, says she suffers from sleep eating where she unconsciously raids the kitchen for food in the middle of the night. Personally, I'm more bothered by her other problem - wake talking.

Sarah Palin has joined and put her resume on the social networking site, LinkedIn. Under "Hobbies," it says "Hunting, Traveling, and Destroying John McCain's career."

Randy Quaid and his wife will be arraigned today on felony charges resulting from skipping out on a $10000 hotel bill. This could have all been avoided if they stayed with the Griswolds.

This week is officially Teen Read Week where teens are encouraged to ditch the TVs and video games and read a book. In related news, next week is Atomic Wedgies For Participants of Teen Read Week Week.

Beyonce has postponed shows in Malaysia because of accusations by Islamic conservatives saying the show would be immoral. Most people think the immorality is because of Beyonce's dancing and scant clothing but really it's the idea of giving single ladies a voice.

An 83-year-old man in Texas opened fire on his son when the son would not stop drumming. "Look, I said I didn't want to work," replied the hospitalized Todd Rundgren.

Benatar (Battlefield Parody)

Here it is! Finally a new song parody! You can watch it in High Quality on YouTube if you wish. It is a parody of Jordin Sparks' Battlefield and it is pretty sweet! Enjoy!

Special thanks to Sean McCormack for being Chuck Norris in body and mind! Like Daniel Day-Lewis, that one is!

And super special thanks to Rachel O Crouse, Angela Dee, Lizzie Bell, Sue White, and Ashley Turin for dancing their faces off in 80s clothes! Also to Ashley for the choreography!

Tor's Bad Jokes: 10/15/09

Q: Where does the Pope get his jewelry from?

A: Pontiffany's

Q: What does a communist put in his refrigerator to keep it smelling fresh?

A: Arm & Hammer & Sickle

Q: What did Elvis name his vineyard?

A: Grapesland

Q: How do skunks get on the internet?

A: With a com-pee-yew-ter (or a newer model smell phone)

Q: How does the engaged car go?

A: Groom groom

Q: What did the doctor diagnose Robert Langdon with when he came in all congested?

A: The DaVinci Cold

Q: What's the movie where the secretary from "Ferris Bueller" and the neighbor from "Hogan's Family" work in a convenience store?

A: Edie McClerks

Q: Why did the male leafy vegetable break up with the female leafy vegetable?

A: Because she was being a cabbitch.

Q: Why did the actor who played Dracula not have any rooting interest in the Olympics?

A: Because there's no country for Oldman.

Q: What do you call a rodent that's really into David Bowie?

A: Glamster

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/14/09

More unused jokes from the iLarious. Some of them are justified in not being used.

Somali pirates attacked what they believed to be a cargo ship but realized too late that it was a French Naval vessel. In all fairness, only the people on the French ship knew there was even such a thing as a "French Naval vessel."

A recent poll by Marist University has named "whatever" the most annoying word used in conversation. The worst offenders of the conversational gaffe are treating the poll with indifference.

NASA is planning to crash two rockets into the moon to try to find water. If this doesn't work, NASA will go with their Plan B: a 6 billion dollar y-shaped stick.

Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook are going through a tough divorce. The problem is that Cook wants to take away what matters most to Brinkley, the Uptown.

A professional racetrack in Australia is limiting fans to 24 cans of beer each to cut down on crime. Don't worry. They're also limiting the amount of distance fans can drive home.

Due to the economy, Harvard professors will no longer get free cookies during faculty meetings. No word on the status of recess or nap time yet.

Daily Beast named Raleigh-Durham the smartest metropolitan area with Fresno coming in last. When reached by phone, the mayor of Fresno screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM??!?!" before running into the wall and knocking herself out.

Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he is working on a sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" that will take place in Coney Island. In the new work, the female lead will be a fry girl that wants to one day work the register at Nathan's, the phantom will be hard to pick out among all of the disfigured ride operators, and the climactic scene will involve the Cyclone crashing down.

Kate Gosselin baked a special cake for her twins' birthday but Jon tried to foil the plans by picking up a cake from a bakery. When these kinds of public divorces happen, we tend to not realize what's most important - these kids got TWO birthday cakes!

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially trying really hard to achieve global peace. In other news, Nicolas Cage is named Actor of the Decade.

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - South Carolina governor

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - TV father of 8

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - Rim

Paris Hilton, playing "Paris Hilton possessed by a demon," was beheaded on last night's "Supernatural" because a demon can't function in a body without a brain. Viewers were upset because the writer's failed to explain how the demon functioned before the beheading.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/9/09

I've been writing jokes this week for iLarious, a new iPhone app, featuring all sorts of comedy. Here are the jokes that probably didn't go in this week:*

"Whip It" was destroyed at the box office by "Zombieland," proving once and for all that America prefers their women aimless and brainless.

A-Rod had another great season, keeping him in the company of Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, and Jimmie Foxx. Now it's the postseason and time to focus on staying in the company of Rafael Santana, Tommy Gregg, and Cesar Cedeno.

Conan Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. It's not the dogs fault. Everyone knows that sheriff's deputies have the tastiest meat.

Letterman Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. You know, it's cruel to think a dog can resist the smell of bacon.

Leno Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. The dogs' handler is baffled but some point the finger at the sheriff's deputy cologne - Musk of OJ.

America's Funniest Home Videos will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Viewers can look forward to finding out "Where are those smacked crotches now?"

Justice Sotomayor started her first day as a Supreme Court Justice by speaking into a turned-off microphone. Unfortunately, the hazing stopped early when Justice Scalia was hit in the head by the top of Sotomayor's partially unscrewed gavel.

The adult entertainment industry is reporting that, they too, have been affected by the recession. From now on, every cup will only be assigned one girl.

Monty Python turned 40. Hard to believe it was 40 years ago that British comedy started really confusing Americans.

David Letterman apologized to his wife and female staff members during the opening of his show Monday night. This could have all been avoided if he just kept it in his worldwide pants.

Attendees of the Big E fair in Massachusetts got to eat the "Craz-E Burger," which is a bacon cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme donut for a bun. Most people got it with a side of tombstone.

Barack Obama refused to meet with the Dalai Lama in order to keep China happy. Furthermore, he has also stopped acknowledging the existence of Sasha.

Barack Obama addressed health care reform concerns in front of doctors representing each of the 50 states. Obama only got to talk to the doctors for two minutes as he spent most of the time filling out forms and signing waivers.

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his former team, the Green Bay Packers, last night on Monday Night Football. The Vikings won because they used Favre's patented double-crossing routes.

Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi survived a very minor plane crash on Friday. Wow, we were so close to Don McLean writing a song about "The Day Irrelevance Died."

American Girl has released a new doll named Gwen who is homeless. The doll comes with an outfit, a pillow, and the ability to trade your daughter's love for booze.

One of the Backstreet Boys has contracted the swine flu forcing the band to cancel their promotional tour. Maybe we're being too hasty with those vaccines.

Elizabeth Taylor is telling fans details of her heart procedure from her hospital bed via Twitter. The procedure is serious and it is probably not wise for Taylor to tweet this lightly.

Mel Gibson's drunken driving conviction has been expunged after a court ruling. Now he can go back to just being a racist and a sexist.

*I don't have an iPhone so I don't know.

Tor's Onion Stories: October 6, 2009

Here are another 10 story ideas for The Onion. I should probably save these on the off chance that I will, one day, write for The Onion but we all know that will never happen. (Why do my readers have less confidence in me than I do?)

1. Former Bully Victim Ironically Grows Up To Serve French Fries To Bully
2. Dog Saves Owner From Choosing Wrong Cell Phone Plan
3. Megan Fox Was Not Right For Megan Fox Roles On SNL
4. Arabian Prince Buys United States Low With Hopes Of Selling High
5. Second Graders Disappointed By Real Definition Of Gross National Product
6. Family Business Will Include Disappointing Son-In-Law After All
7. Boogers Closing Gap On Farts For Funniest Gimmick
8. Genie Enthusiast Hopes 517th Lamp Will Be The One
9. Local Man Still Disappointed By Seinfeld Finale
10. Tyra Banks Has Genuinely Grounded Opinion

How did I do this time? Better? Worse?