Tor's Take Moving to Tumblr

I've been fighting this for a couple of months. Tumblr seems to be the current it place to post things so I'm moving over there. Everything from this blog has been transferred over at this point so please follow me there.

Tor's Take on Tumblr

Bean Medley (New Video)

I sat down and tried to think about what would be the most embarrassing video I could make for my daughter's classmates to find when she's a teenager. I figure a bean costume (wonderfully made by my wife), some white tights, and the word "fart" ought to do it.

I can always remind her that she smiled at me dancing in the bean costume the whole day of the shoot as she yells, "I hate you! Take it down!"

Tor's Shark Facts (For Shark Week)

In honor of the beginning of Shark Week, I thought I would impart things that I know about sharks that maybe you didn't. This is stuff the Discovery Channel doesn't have the time to get to.

• Sharks are looked down upon by the other fish because they lack retirement plans.
• Sharks have a great sense of smell. It results in death if exposed to a particularly vicious hot boxing.
• A great gift to celebrate a shark's 1000th kill is a 1988 California Red Chum. It looks nice in the brine cellar.
• Sharks are governed absolutely by one shark. The King Shark rules over the entire Mon-Sharky.
• The dorsal fin of a shark was originally octagonal which caused two sharks, upon meeting, to die. Darwinism eventually fixed it.
• Sharks are not allowed to hunt humans in the summer without a license.
• Sharks are blessed with one of the most beautiful singing voices of any creature on Earth but they are cursed to live in the sea with its poor acoustics.
• Of all the shark professions, from killer to super killer, the most profitable is shark dentist.
• Male sharks battle for the attention of female sharks by showing how many barrels they can pull under water. The Great "Jeff" is said to have pulled 12 for "Maggie."
• Sharks are deathly afraid of fine china. That's why there were no sharks at the Titanic sinking. That and geographic location and water temperatures.

Mel Gibson Tapes (The Rest)

This is a new sketch in the wake of all those wonderful-for-the-image tapes of Mel Gibson going around. I felt after the 5th one, it was time to explore what the rest would be like.

MetsTDs

I wrote the first list item below on Twitter a couple of weeks ago after Jose Reyes hit a ball hard off Chan Ho Park of the Yankees. I said he gave Chan Ho Park diaReyes. Then a good comedian responded with the second one. I've been thinking of the rest of them at random and felt like posting the results.

• DiaReyes
• Paganorrhea (via Charles Star, follow him)
• Takahashingles
• TouWright's Syndrome
• HepaTatis B
• Blancolitis
• Dickey Cell Anemia
• K-Rodic Arthritis
• Francoeurpes (also acceptable, SchizoFrenchya)
• Bayds

Have anymore?

A Few Thoughts on Swaddling

For those that don't know, swaddling is a way to wrap a baby to make her feel comforted and help her sleep. A blanket is systematically wrapped and folded until the baby is in a cocoon. This is supposed to be reminiscent of the limited mobility found in the womb.

The butterfly will emerge from her cocoon and scream until your ears bleed.

Nothing makes you feel more like a serial killer than swaddling a fussy baby - shushing close to her ear, holding down her arms, staring into her frightened eyes, telling her it'll be ok if she just calms down, and throwing her in a cage until you're ready to deal with her again.

I'm missing the part of the brain that cares about my daughter's limb freedom.

Once I get my daughter in a sufficient swaddle and into the crib, she fights it like I just put her in a chained-up straitjacket, dropped her in a locked water tank, and 2 minutes have gone by with no air.

Good or bad, it'll all be over soon, Beautiful.

She squirms so hard against her restraints. She makes grunting noises that sound eerily similar to when the velociraptors communicate in Jurassic Park as well as strategically testing all parts of the swaddle for weaknesses. She's a problem solver.

That one...when she looks at you, you can tell she's working things out.

She definitely finds that weakness because, at some point in the night, she gets a hand out of the top of the swaddle. Then it's only a matter of time before she's completely out and wailing for attention. The only saving grace is that it's closer to morning by this point and morning means the longest time until you have to swaddle her again.

eMarkHarmony

Hey, I found time to make a new sketch. Newborns sometimes allow an hour or two for you and I took advantage.

Here's the pitch:

Some people have very specific tastes when they are searching for that special someone. At eMarkHarmony, we don't care what you like as long as what you like is a bit Mark Harmon-y.

Tor Baby Countup: Day 1

For those who don't know, my daughter was born on May 23rd, negating our planned trip to see MacGruber. I did not get to finish the Tor Baby Countdown but that doesn't mean I can't start a countup. Unfortunately, how often this will happen will be on the baby as she takes up all of my time. I can't believe how hard it is to sit down at a computer and try to write a blog when you are taking care of a newborn. We're having an off switch installed on her back next week so that might help.

This is why we're going with the back. The face is too prominent. Europe, am I right?

Here's the story of her birth:

It was the 3 in the morning on the Sunday of the Lost series finale. I was dreaming of Kate, Claire, and Hurley running in slow motion on the beach like the vikings in the Capital One commercials.

What's in my wallet? Not a ticket stub for MacGruber.

The elders say that when a woman's water breaks, it is a gush of water. Well, based on the number of towels on the floor in our bathroom, it was an intern with a megaphone away from being on the Universal Studios tour.

"If you look to your left, you can invade Kevin's wife's privacy."

The doctor told my wife to shower and head on in as the contractions would be starting soon. You definitely want to be fresh and clean before stuff starts coming out of every orifice in your body. The contractions did start soon and they progressed fast. Within 45 minutes, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I was flying up the Garden State Parkway as my wife was screaming next to me. I ran two red lights. The second of which took a picture of us. I'd like to see that snap shot: My white-knuckled hands around the steering wheel with my fear-filled eyes staring blankly ahead while my wife yells in agony with her hands on her pregnant belly. That should be a keeper down at the station.

"Segway13, what's your 20? We have a great photo you just have to see."

I parked in the fire zone in front of the hospital. I put my car in flames just to make sure it didn't get towed. We headed to admitting and things really started to pick up speed. What I remember about the next hour is about ten doctors and nurses prodding my wife, the baby's heartbeat going down with each contraction because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and lots of screaming. I just couldn't keep it in. Births and roller coasters. Those are my scream times.

About that cord wrapping. My daughter was apparently into amniotic asphyxiation. It certainly didn't come from my wife and me. I don't know where she learned it but I assure you, it stops right now. I'm putting my foot down. She's not allowed to hang out in that womb anymore.

Perv

It's hard to pick out the funny in times such as these but there was one thing. They took my wife for an emergency c-section and had not given her the epidural because of the issue with the baby. As they wheeled her out of the room with time running down, the anesthesiologist said, "Just give me one shot at her back, I'll get it done." When did Jack Bauer show up in my wife's ER? Is there room for this kind of bad-assery in modern medicine?

"Damn it, Chloe! Get me that IV bag!"

By the time I got the scrubs on and got into the operating room, my daughter was born, three hours and nineteen minutes after the water breaking. So with my wife behind the curtain on the table and me arriving late, we didn't see her come out. We're hoping that in the coming weeks, she'll do things to let us know the surgeons didn't pull a fast one. Until then, please enjoy Cassidy Lorelai Tor.

She has my eyes.

Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Sex and the City 2 Trailer (What I Hear)

I am not a fan of the show. I've tried watching it. Check out my Sex and the City blog. I gave it a fair chance.

Anyway, this is what I hear when the trailer comes on my television or before my featured presentation at the theater.

Al.com Features My NJ Governor Parody

Al.com is the Alabama news website. They recently included my NJ Governor parody in an article on videos poking fun at the Tim James "We speak English" ad (4th one down).

Another article on the site alludes to the fact that the gubernatorial candidate has seen the video and finds it humorous. Fantas-great. (Twirls finger.)

Here is a screenshot where they talk about Spruce Bringsteen:

And here is my video once again:

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3 (Elimination)

Dear Casey,

Ever since you took off your shirt to get a "yes" for a ticket to Hollywood, I knew you were going to go far in this competition. It takes a special, pec-less man to stand on stage and do what can marginally be considered singing in front of millions of people. You were a macho Taylor Hanson. The good thing is that you realized how fortunate you were to get to the Top 3. You never had an iota of entitlement and I respect that. Good luck to you and your guitar skills. Now put your shirt on and get out of the way. We're trying to get a picture of the two people who were written into the finals 12 weeks ago.

Sincerely,

Kevin

Tor Baby Countdown: 13 Days

We went to the baby doctor today for what could end up being the last time. We may be ahead of schedule. Last week, my wife was at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. To be technical, the doctor described her as a "tight 2."

Let me point something out for those who don't know. The doctor determines the number of centimeters by how many fingers he can fit in there. A tight 2? Did he go to medical school in a boys' high school locker room? Is my wife also a good candidate for a noogie?

Nurse, pass me a twisted towel and let's roll the patient over so I can get at her buttocks.

This time, the doctor said that my wife was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. So there has been progress since last week which means the baby is coming sooner rather than later. It's time to put the hospital bag in the car. After all of that torture putting it together, it would suck to forget it at home. Then the hospital bag will have to protect itself from Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci using swinging paint cans.

"It's a hospital bag. Hospital bags are stupid."

Let's hope there's a blog tomorrow. There's still too much to do. (Like watching the finale of Lost.) Little Lady Tor needs to cooperate.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3

There will be an abbreviated American Idol recap today. There is a lot of baby stuff to get done around the house so I don't think I can take the time. Tonight was Lee's night. Everyone can agree on that. Let's start with the Idols' choices.

Casey James - "Ok, It's Alright With Me" - I don't know the song. It sounded fine. Nothing exciting. Still, I think this is a song style that Casey can be good at. He could go the John Mayer route of limited vocals/awesome guitar. He just has to avoid Jessica Simpson.

Crystal Bowersox - "Come To My Window" - That was a weird arrangement of it. Did she take all of the lyrics and put them in bingo machine? It was such a mess and didn't sound that great, either.

To window come my

Lee DeWyze - "Simple Man" - It was very good. So much better than last week. They should have called him BP because he killed that Seal but this is how you move on. This first round was like picking between LeBron James and two of me from my high school JV team. Hint -Take LeBron.

And now the judges' choices:

Casey James - "Daughters" - This was pure sabotage by Kara and Randy. Everyone was pretty sure Casey was going home this week before he opened his mouth but Kara and Randy did all they could to ensure it short of giving him "I'm Every Woman." I know I said he's a John Mayer type but this is a terrible John Mayer song and there was little he could do with it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Maybe I'm Amazed" - Surprisingly good. I did not know she could do the screaming parts. Light years better than the Melissa Etheridge song. This was Empire Strikes Back and that was Phantom Menace. Way to make the Finals, StarWarsox.

Lee DeWyze - "Hallelujah" - I was not happy with this choice by Simon. It felt lazy. Not only does this song belong to Jason Castro but Tim Urban did it about ten weeks ago. It's been done this season! Regardless, Lee sang it so well. This contest was like my groceries when I get back from the store - in the environmentally-safe bag. He deserves to win the whole thing. Sorry, Crystal.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 14 Days

It's one of our last New Produce Tuesdays. The baby is the length of a leek! LEEEK! A leek is a vegetable that is related to the onion which makes sense as the baby will also create smells that lead to tears. I do have one question for Baby Center, though. Where's the watermelon? It better be next week. I've been looking forward to a watermelon for 38 weeks now. Bring the watermelon!

Today is my wife's first day home from work. We went to the movies and saw Iron Man 2. We have plans for 2 more movies this week as we've been told we will never go to the movies again. I have calls out to the studios to put The A-Team, Toy Story 3, Twilight: Eclipse, Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim in theaters this weekend. I have not heard back but I am certain they will gladly accommodate a moderate YouTube star such as myself.

"Let's go somewhere else"

We have also started a Facebook pool for the baby's birth date and weight. One person picked this Saturday which is our wedding anniversary. I don't want that as an anniversary present. Some people will say it will make it easy to remember my anniversary. I'm not a husband in a sitcom. I remember my anniversary because I love my wife. Also, I want to make sure I see MacGruber.

THAT'S an anniversary present.

Tor Baby Countdown: 15 Days

Today is my wife's last day of work before her maternity leave. She is very excited and so am I though I can't bring it up as we have taken a vow of silence from each other. With labor lasting an average of 14 hours, we want to save up discussion topics so we don't run out. But how do you plan for 14 hours or more of talking?

Watching all of my YouTube videos only gets you about 90 minutes. Even when she begs me to watch them a second time, we still have 11 hours to fill. I could do my stand-up act for 30 minutes or so but that will only please the hospital staff and it's more about my wife at that point.

"You know what's fun to do? Speculate on specula. That guy knows what I'm talking about."

Another timekiller is a delivery room puppet show. Everyone loves puppets and maternity puppets, or muppets, are the most beloved of all. If you Google "muppets," you should see how many people love them. I am getting pretty good at voices, too. I've been practicing in anticipation of impressing our daughter. How is she going to respect me as a performer if I give her lackluster character work at bedtime? She won't.

Everyone loves the famous story of "The Dragon and Estelle Getty"

I can read her a book. I can give her a halftime-esque, locker room pep talk. We can play Earthquake Scrabble (a variation on regular Scrabble where the board gets cleared a lot from jostling as we will be playing on her chest). We can name the Presidents. We can name all of the bad guys from the original Batman series (Clock King!). We can compare and contrast contractions.

"Was that one worse or better than your 253rd one? Worse or better than your 25th? Great so it ranks 907th overall so far. You're doing great."

I'm not sure how we are going to pass the time. Anything you do is going to associate that thing with misery. Therefore, no Weezer marathon. The most important thing to do is keep your eyes on the prize and hope the pain ends soon. Labor Day is coming...

Tor Baby Countdown: 18 Days

18 m'n f'n days, ya'll! What?!? You hear me, daughta?!?

The process of having a baby is like swallowing Pandora's box. Then, on the way through digestion, stomach acid burns through the lock on the box. The box opens up somewhere in the gut and all the evils of the world are unleashed to wreak havoc upon the woman's insides.

Let's see what Metamucil can really do.

If that wasn't enough to deal with, there are stretch marks. Frankly, the human body should be able to gain from 30 to 70 pounds in a 9 month period and handle it fine but some people weren't born so lucky. Stretch marks are punishment for those people who weren't born with enough skin elasticity to handle such a girth growth. My wife is one of these people.

For the last couple of months, my wife has been smearing every possible cream she can find onto her belly to avoid such marks. The latest remedy is Vicks VapoRub so now my wife smells like impending baby and cold and flu season. It's a pleasure to lie in the same bed as her. Good thing she doesn't generate enough heat to cook a turkey in 10 minutes or I wouldn't be able to sleep near her. Oh wait-

It's like this movie only not as sexy or murdery.

Stretch marks are not fair. Some women say that stretch marks are a badge of honor and like a souvenir from the pregnancy, something to remind them of what they went through. You know what else does that? The baby.

I went through pregnancy and all I got was this lousy baby.

Tor Baby - Episode 1 (Lost Parody)

This is my homage to Lost and all the show has given us. As many of you know, my daughter will be born soon. The Lost series finale is also coming soon. I need her to hold off.

In Episode 1, I find out about the pregnancy and search this mysterious nursery.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4 (Elimination)

Dear Big Mike,

You were bound to leave the Idol stage at some point. It's best that it was by being voted off and not by accidentally snapping a mentor's neck while lifting them up in a hug. Then Seacrest would have to shoot you like George shot Lennie. It would have made for compelling television, something Idol hasn't had this season.

I have been tough on you on this blog. Know that it wasn't your singing but your actions that caused me to dislike you. Actions do speak louder than vocally-extended words. The fist pumps. The double-handed waving to the crowds. The lip licking. The head toss. The forearm X. The Aaron Kelly lifts. The fedora positioning. The chest pounding. It all left a bad taste in my mouth that repeated rinses with Listerine have not removed.

However, I wish you well. I hope your daughter grows up to be everything you want her to be and I hope your wife gets her eyes fixed because they were constantly leaking. Be well, Big Mike, and stay out of my iTunes. I don't want to hear your name ever again.

Sincerely,

Kevin

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4

Jamie Foxx was the mentor for Songs from the Movies night. I decided to copy his t-shirt idea and hand out t-shirts to each of the contestants tonight. It was a really weak night for American Idol. Even Lee wasn't good. At least there were the duets.

Lee DeWyze - "Kiss From A Rose" - Not good this week, Lee. Falsetto is not a place to be. He needs to never do that again. The chorus was the only good part. Lee is allowed a bad night, though. Kris Allen had a tough time with "All She Wants to do is Dance" last season and he ended up fine. I think Lee is safe. Here is his t-shirt:

Sorry, Lee. It's usually Heidi Klum's problem.

Big Mike - "Will You Be There?" - Answer - "Will I? I can't. Sorry. It's pretty hectic. Can you call someone else?" This performance had no effort. He even left the cheesiness out. There was nothing to it. Adding a choir did nothing but make him sound worse.

I got a deal on this because they forgot to print the "with"

Lee and Crystal - "Falling Slowly" - Amazing! I watched it three times. This is why these two should be in the final. Crystal held that together by harmonizing with Lee. I don't think Lee is used to harmonizing. The thing I didn't like were the judges' comments. The only reason Randy or Simon even knows this song is because of the awesome job Kris Allen did on it last season and yet no mention of him. Just typical of this season forgetting the former champ.

Casey James - "Mrs. Robinson" - This was mellow and much better than last week but it was still not worthy of a Top 3 Idol contestant. He seemed to be very conscious of his vibrato problem and tried to avoid holding notes. Therefore, he sang it like he was in a library or like he was being yelled at by his boss.

Casey is like March.

Crystal Bowersox - "I'm Alright" - She made the stupid song from Caddyshack great. I loved it. It was the only good solo performance. I'm glad Crystal is back in the competition. I was worried that everything was getting to her. She was cranky and talking back. It's like she grew up this week after a toddler phase. Hence:

A new classic

Casey and Big Mike - "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?" - Casey's guitar work was incredible. He should get to stay just for that. I actually felt like Big Mike ruined the song when he entered. Casey was doing a solid job with it. This was not in the same class as Lee and Crystal's duet. In fact, it should get a tutor and maybe stay back a year.

Bottom Three: I don't think they are doing this but I would say that Lee is safe and the others would be here. That said, it will either be Casey or Big Mike. I want Big Mike to go but I think it will be Casey. That or I've noticed that I've picked wrong the last few weeks and I want to work with my streak.

Going Home: Casey James