American Idol Season 9 - Top 3

There will be an abbreviated American Idol recap today. There is a lot of baby stuff to get done around the house so I don't think I can take the time. Tonight was Lee's night. Everyone can agree on that. Let's start with the Idols' choices.

Casey James - "Ok, It's Alright With Me" - I don't know the song. It sounded fine. Nothing exciting. Still, I think this is a song style that Casey can be good at. He could go the John Mayer route of limited vocals/awesome guitar. He just has to avoid Jessica Simpson.

Crystal Bowersox - "Come To My Window" - That was a weird arrangement of it. Did she take all of the lyrics and put them in bingo machine? It was such a mess and didn't sound that great, either.

To window come my

Lee DeWyze - "Simple Man" - It was very good. So much better than last week. They should have called him BP because he killed that Seal but this is how you move on. This first round was like picking between LeBron James and two of me from my high school JV team. Hint -Take LeBron.

And now the judges' choices:

Casey James - "Daughters" - This was pure sabotage by Kara and Randy. Everyone was pretty sure Casey was going home this week before he opened his mouth but Kara and Randy did all they could to ensure it short of giving him "I'm Every Woman." I know I said he's a John Mayer type but this is a terrible John Mayer song and there was little he could do with it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Maybe I'm Amazed" - Surprisingly good. I did not know she could do the screaming parts. Light years better than the Melissa Etheridge song. This was Empire Strikes Back and that was Phantom Menace. Way to make the Finals, StarWarsox.

Lee DeWyze - "Hallelujah" - I was not happy with this choice by Simon. It felt lazy. Not only does this song belong to Jason Castro but Tim Urban did it about ten weeks ago. It's been done this season! Regardless, Lee sang it so well. This contest was like my groceries when I get back from the store - in the environmentally-safe bag. He deserves to win the whole thing. Sorry, Crystal.

Going Home: Casey James

American Idol Season 9 - Top 12 (Eliminations)

The night started off amazing (not with David Cook) but with Randy Jackson not booing Simon Cowell's introduction for the first time in 3 seasons. This is unprecedented, folks. I never thought the day would come. It just goes to show that there's hope in this crazy world. (Pause to gather myself.)

Bottom 3:

Tim Urban - His take on the Rolling Stones focused more on the "rolling." Am I right, mon? I'm not. I don't know what I'm talking about. Was that Jamaican? Should I go with a Jamaican joke now that puns "You're making?" No? Good. This was my mistake in my Bottom 3 predictions from yesterday. I expected his cuteness to carry him through but it's good to know he's vulnerable. I still expect him to make the Tour.

Paige Miles - The pity votes for laryngitis were not as big as I expected.. Time to step it up with a bigger disease next week. I would start by licking the fake Elvis outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. He's gotta be covered in 20 years of LA germs. She needs a performance that is unanimously heralded by the judges to avoid going home next week.

Lacey Brown - It's the end of the road for the cub (that's a baby cougar). Her problem was she never figured out what jungle cat she wanted to be. She had a cougar face but wore leopard print and sometimes cheetah print. At this point in the competition, they are looking for someone that knows what exotic animal they want to be. That's why she's going home.

Final Thought: Andrew Garcia is more popular than I thought. How many weeks can he be ripped apart by the judges and stay out of the Bottom 3? I can't see it being much longer. I was surprised that the Idols are allowed to pick their "Save" song instead of being forced to sing the one that got them kicked off. That's a nice touch as it was always my complaint last year. Next week's theme has not been announced so I can't make a prediction as to who will go home. Let's say Paige for the heck of it.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 16 (Eliminations)

Well, that was something. I went 1 for 4 on my picks this week and I'm glad I got them wrong. I would never want to be associated with guessing last night's debacle of eliminations correctly. What is wrong with America?

Going Home:

Katelyn Epperly - I was worried about her. She picked one of the least enjoyable songs out of a list of every song ever created. I guess that was enough to condemn her to a four-person montage goodbye package. If anything, Katelyn deserved her own goodbye package. This was a big mistake by America. She was talented and pretty. Isn't that what this competition usually dreams of?

Todrick Hall - He never really shined. The Queen song was not enough to save him. Of all the people going home this week, he deserved it the most and not just because I picked him. Of consolation, I'm sure Fantasia will allow him to dance behind her again. Maybe not.

Alex Lambert - Mullets can do anyone in but I don't think that's what happened. If his performance this week was another step in the right direction, he would have been safe. A rugged, manly song of heartache does not fit his innocence. America doesn't like people who don't feel connected with their instrument. Kara's been right all along.

Lilly Scott - This was also ridiculous. Two of the Top 3 girls don't make the Top 12? She was right to be outraged. It couldn't have been the white hair. People love white hair more than mullets. Look at the major online push to get Betty White on SNL. This was a matter of her sound appealing to too small an audience. Talent doesn't always matter and it's a shame.

Going Forward: This was a bad week for Season 9. All four of these ousted performers had the chance to be great and America settled for good enough with Katie, Tim, Lacey, Paige, and Aaron. I anticipate they will be going home first. These four were intriguing. You don't know what they were going to do and that's good television. Todrick could have done a country version of Lady Gaga or a jazzy Kings of Leon and you wouldn't have blinked. Katelyn could have done a slow version of "Old Man River." We just don't know. And we never will.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/21/09

More from the iLarious rejection vault:

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. Guess she walked away from those shoes she said she would die without.

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. She further impressed people by taking the award and driving home competently.

*Blogger's Note - We at Tor's Take do not condone the previous two jokes. We just post what our sexist boss tells us to. Back to the jokes.

Robert Pattinson, the hunky star of the "Twilight" movies, told People magazine that he has trouble finding a date. He went on to say that only you are the one for him, 8th grader Dana Becker from Topeka, Kansas. You can talk to him at the following 900 number.

On this date in 1773, Charles Messier discovered the Whirlpool Galaxy. Apparently, he was the first Frenchman to ever enter a Sears.

Zach Braff has come forward to dispel an internet rumor that he committed suicide by swallowing pills. Braff said, "There are better ways to commit suicide," looked off into nothingness for two minutes, and then giggled nervously.

According to a judge's decision, Jon Gosselin has been ordered to pay Kate $180,000 or essentially what he spends every week at the Ed Hardy store.

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a new bill into law on Sunday that will fine paparazzi for taking pictures that invade a celebrity's privacy. Some people think the bill was drawn up to protect celebrities but it was actually to hear Schwarzenegger say "paparazzi" over and over.

A 1638 lb pumpkin from Iowa won the 36th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off. Somewhere, Linus is punching Charlie Brown in the nards.

Singer Leona Lewis was punched at a signing for her new book, "Dreams." The attacker wanted to prove that she doesn't actually bleed love.

(From the 16th) Today is National Boss Day or the Worst Day To Be A Female Letterman Intern.

After believing a little kid's story and causing a media frenzy, some people are questioning the intelligence of the authorities that handled the situation with Falcon Heene, the "Balloon Boy." "We have it all under control," said the local sheriff as he Mirandized the attic.

The FDA is warning people not to buy Swine Flu drugs online. They say to definitely avoid Swine Flu drugs that also promise a clean colon and six more inches on your penis.

Kara DioGuardi, host of American Idol, says she suffers from sleep eating where she unconsciously raids the kitchen for food in the middle of the night. Personally, I'm more bothered by her other problem - wake talking.

Sarah Palin has joined and put her resume on the social networking site, LinkedIn. Under "Hobbies," it says "Hunting, Traveling, and Destroying John McCain's career."

Randy Quaid and his wife will be arraigned today on felony charges resulting from skipping out on a $10000 hotel bill. This could have all been avoided if they stayed with the Griswolds.

This week is officially Teen Read Week where teens are encouraged to ditch the TVs and video games and read a book. In related news, next week is Atomic Wedgies For Participants of Teen Read Week Week.

Beyonce has postponed shows in Malaysia because of accusations by Islamic conservatives saying the show would be immoral. Most people think the immorality is because of Beyonce's dancing and scant clothing but really it's the idea of giving single ladies a voice.

An 83-year-old man in Texas opened fire on his son when the son would not stop drumming. "Look, I said I didn't want to work," replied the hospitalized Todd Rundgren.

American Idol Without Paula Is Like...

A dog with three legs.* 

If you haven't heard, Paula Abdul tweeted that she will not be returning to American Idol next season. This news is shocking and I bet it's more shocking to all the Season 9 contestants. Who's going to make them feel good about themselves? Who's going to give them that comment that keeps their deluded dreams of vocal success alive? Who's going to say ridiculous things that I can make fun of in my American Idol blogs?

Now, the Idol Hopefuls will be singing in front of the Trio of Nonconstructive Criticism: Simon "I've outgrown doing this show and would rather save my good insults for the British version" Cowell, Kara "I'm better than 95% of these people and I hate the other 5%" DioGuardi, and Randy "I become more of a caricature of my Season 1 self every episode" Jackson. It's going to be brutal. 

I would take the Paula money and reallocate it for suicide prevention. Can you imagine coming down the line after singing on stage and getting:

1. "I wasn't feeling it. I'm a fan of yours but...ahhhh...I don't know. It was weird for me. Sorry, dawg."
2. "I wanted you to sing something else. You have some talent but you picked the wrong song. Maybe some early Lady Gaga."
3. "That was horrible. It was like a whirling dervish with spotted dick. I'm just being honest. Sau-ree."

No self-esteem is safe.

I'm going to miss you, Slurry McIncoherent!

* As long as the missing leg was the one that provided the dog with nothing but happy thoughts and the remaining three do nothing but criticize the dog's every move.

American Idol - Top 13 (Part 2)

Idol has a new rule. The judges get one "save" for the entire season. If someone gets voted off that they think should remain in the competition, they can save them and bring them back for another week. So really what's the point of voting?

The first 30 minutes are so enjoyable in fast forward. I don't know what song they did for a medley but it looked compelling.

Kanye West was on the show. I can say it occurred on my TV screen. 

Kelly Clarkson was also on and looked terrible. She put on some weight but that wasn't the problem. The problem was they dressed her in clothes that said, "I don't want you to think I put on weight." They could have put a sandwich board on her that read, "Now with 15 more pounds of Clarkson for you to enjoy!" Come on, stylists. She's still attractive. How about a dress?

Voted Off

Jasmine Murray - Mo'Nique with an eating disorder is going home. I can't make that joke anymore. I think I'm more sad to see that go than her. Her resemblance will be missed. The judges had no interest in bringing her back. It's probably for the best.

Jorge Nunez - It's a shame because he is talented. I actually thought he sung the song better tonight than last night but the judges only get one save and they aren't going to use it on Jorge. He's fine though. FOX read my earlier blog and is in talks to have him on the business end of a Jack Bauer pistol whip in Season 8 of 24. Looking forward to that.

Looking back at Part 1, I seem to be awesome at picking the departures. Tune in next week when I get it completely right again. (Because I'm awesome.)

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 3)

I apologize for this not going up yesterday but I had a bunch of stuff to get done and did not watch Idol until late last night. And even though I picked the three who made it, I figured you wouldn't believe me based on the posting's timestamp. When will we have trust, readers? When? This is going to be a long one. It will be split into Performances, Results, and Wild Card Thoughts.

PERFORMANCES

Von Smith - "You're All I Need To Get By" - It was pretty good. I thought it was rough at the beginning but then he hit some solid notes. Simon said he had a Clay Aiken vibe but I felt more of an Ed Grimley vibe. He apparently has a huge fan base and may get in the Top 12 based on that. Should he get in the Top 12? I don't know but he didn't shout the song so he's improving.

Von? Is that you?

Taylor Vaifuna - "If I Ain't Got You" - Bad song choice. Alicia Keys is never the right move. Aren't you supposed to learn that after 8 seasons? The percentage of people who have gotten favorable judge reactions for doing Alicia Keys has to be around 4. She didn't sing fast enough. Maybe she was singing slower to make the band slow down and, thus, maximize her time on the show since tonight's it for her. Good strategy.

Alex Wagner-Trugman - "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" - If they let you into the Top 12 based on effort, this guy should get in. They don't. Still, he put everything he had into it and growled like the T-Rex in Toy Story before Buzz Lightyear gave him the confidence he needed. He's not getting in but he was enjoyable at least.

Arianna Afsar - "The Winner Takes It All" - ABBA has never been done on Idol. Hmmmm. At least she's aware of who takes it all and I hope she will congratulate that person in 12 weeks. Also, she's a button.

Ju'not Joyner - "Hey There, Delilah" - He sang it in Hollywood Week which makes me already need it to be better than it will be. He turned it into a ballad. The problem is that it's not a very good song which is why the Plain White Ts sing it faster. The only reason this was bearable was his singing. He has pipes. He also has a handcuff hanging from his pants. What was that doing there?

Kristen McNamara - "Give Me One Reason" - I thought this was a safe choice. It's a cool song and she sang it but it didn't give her a chance to belt out more than a handful of notes. She should have been one of the top girls but she missed the chance. Maybe a Wild Card for potential but they're already handing out a lot of those.

Nathaniel Marshall - "I Would Do Anything For Love" - So tonight he has Meatloaf on his skin. I believe that's called shingles. He has a special look. I kept hoping Buffy would come and ram a stake in his chest. That kind of evil does not belong on the stage. I was surprised Simon did not call it cruise shippy or theme parky.

Felicia Barton - "No One" - She made it because Joanna Pacitti was disqualified. With her second chance, she is singing...Alicia Keys. Does she not read the blog I haven't put up yet? Anyway, she modeled her look after Alicia Keys in Smokin' Aces minus the lesbianism with Benjamin Button's mom. But does looking like the singer make you sound like the singer? Actually, it did. She was good and bumped that 4 percent up to 5. She may make the Top 12.

Scott MacIntyre - "Mandolin Rain" - He's blind, right? Cause he sang like I would picture Marlee Matlin sings at times. I know that seems mean but what I did was I took all the criticism the judges should have given him and combined them into one mean comment. He's an adult contemporary singer who will have a career. I don't doubt that. Should he keep going in this competition? It would be heartless to say no. So no.

Kendall Beard - "This One's For The Girls" - I'm not a country fan but I thought she did a good job. Will take the girl spot away from the future Alicia Keys black jack dealer at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas? Probably. For me, she is currently the top girl but Lil Rounds is still to come.

Jorge Nunez - "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" - He may look like a 24 villain but he sings like an angel. He had genuine tears when Paula started crying. He's in the Top 12 guaranteed.

Lil Rounds - "Be Without You" - She has a huge voice. She knows she has a huge voice and that she's a favorite and yet, she comes off as humble. Impressive. She enjoys the moment and it shows. Even Simon was nodding his head. She's through.

Predictions - Scott MacIntyre, Jorge Nunez, and Lil Rounds

RESULTS

The group song was horrendous. "Hot and Cold" does not sound good when Katy Perry sings it, let alone when 12 awkwardly-put-together people do. Let's move on to who got in.

Lil Rounds - Of course she got in. Even Idol couldn't figure out a way to make it suspenseful so they put her through right away.

Scott MacIntyre - Paper beats rock. Rock beats scissors. And blind beats country. Side note: My wife was fascinated with how Scott knew to look towards the camera during the dance number. I think we are heading towards a "Scott can see" conspiracy theory in the Tor household. Further side note: This is the reason our kids have no chance of being not disabled in some or many ways. Karma's a bastard.

Jorge Nunez - He was so happy and he deserved it. I'm not sure what he said in Spanish but I think I heard the word "apple" so there's that.

WILD CARD THOUGHTS

They picked eight wild cards that will sing for three spots tonight. This gives them better odds than in previous weeks. I know my fractions. Oddly, only one person got a spot from Week 3 even though I thought Week 3 was the best overall for performances. Here are the eight:

Von Smith - He can sing when he doesn't overdo it. The world doesn't need another Scream sequel. (Both in his singing and the movie. That's why the line works.)

Jasmine Murray - She's cute and she can sing. She messed up on the Sara Bareilles song but I expect her to be back and singing a Rihanna song. That's what the judges basically told her to do. American Idol needs Umbrella. I'm available for the Jay-Z part.

Ricky Braddy - He was the best singer that didn't get voted in. Simon doesn't really like him and that's why. Hopefully he can turn that around. You do need Simon's backing to win this competition.

Megan Corkrey - The Spiggler is back! (That would be my new nickname for her, a smush-together of Spastic Wiggler. It'll catch on.) I really enjoyed her and I think I have a crush. My wife's ok with it. Go Spiggler!

Tatiana Del Toro - This is a total ratings pick. It makes me so mad. I don't want to say anymore.

Matt Giraud - He deserved another shot based on his "Georgia On My Mind." I confuse him with Ricky Braddy sometimes and I think American Idol only has room for one of them. Some part of me wants him to create a love child with Braddy so I don't have to decide. I'll vote for Macky Giraddy.

Jesse Langseth - If only she would come back to Daniel Faraday, the way she comes back to our living rooms. Oh well. She was good and it will be good to see what she does with a second chance. Well, if all the previous second chances on Idol are any indication, I predict terribly.

Anoop Desai - I'm glad Anoop's back and he seemed genuinely shocked and thankful that he's getting another shot. I'm pulling for Anoop.

My preliminary three, sans performances, would be Anoop Desai, Megan Corkrey, and Matt Giraud. Be back tomorrow to see if we're right.

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 2) Part 2

There isn't much to say. The group came out and sang "Closer" by Ne-Yo. Seeing the two-eyed Cyclops hip hop bounce was worth not fast forwarding. Advancing into the Top 12:

Allison "Two-Face" Iraheta - She was easily the best of the night for me with the exception of her interview but she'll get more comfortable. Did anyone else notice that her legs got cold from the opening of the show to when she was in the stool? She went from normal-colored legs to grey legs during commercial break. Should I have noticed that? Let's move on.

Kris "Chick Magnet" Allen - He got the Simon bump and probably knocked out Megan Corkrey. "Man in the Mirror" is such a weird song. I haven't heard it since we sang it as a class for 3rd Grade Parent Night and I still knew all of the words. How is that possible? Anyway, this wasn't a bad choice. He can sing but I'm not a fan of his name beginning with a K. For the rest of his time on this blog, he will be known as Qrisse. That'll teach his parents not to make mistakes like this anymore.

Adam "Siren Harpie" Lambert - I was somewhat pleased that his second version of "Satisfaction" was not an exact copy of the first version. Maybe he's not a musical robot. He's got a tremendous voice but I'm still not sure if I like him. Since I judge books by their covers, I'm going to let the Idol stylists make him more palatable in my eyes over the coming weeks.

Who should get the Wild Card? I think Megan Corkrey. She's fun. She has an odd stage dance that's the most fun, awkward thing to watch since Dave Matthews started that leg thing he does in the 90s. I know I was pushing for Matt Giraud yesterday but I don't think he's in. There are only so many spots left.

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 2) Part 1

My title needs more numbers, I think. Anyway. I am going to blog this while I watch the show on my DVR. It makes it easier to remember everything I want to say about each person and avoids me forgetting all that comedy gold I come up with during playback.

Jasmine Murray - "Love Song" - She picked a cool song. I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan. Her problem is she didn't sing the song fast enough. The thing with uptempo songs is that there is really no room for interpretation unless you change the arrangement. She tried for interpretation without rearrangement and that's why she failed.

Matt Giraud - "Viva La Vida" - He sang an awesome "Georgia On My Mind" during Hollywood Week. He made a large mistake trying to bring a soulful feel to a Coldplay song. The problem is that Chris Martin has no soul so it can't be done. If he would have succeeded, it would have been like Cindy Loo Who getting the Grinch's heart the grow three sizes. Sorry, Matt. Maybe you'll get one of the wild cards.

Jeanine Vailes - "This Love" - I was distracted by her changing all the female pronouns to male pronouns. Just lesbian it up for normalcy. Unfortunately, she made Adam Levine seem like he should be in the pantheon with Mariah and Whitney. So that's good for Adam Levine.

Nick Mitchell - "And I'm Telling I'm You" - Something might be wrong with me because I enjoyed this. Since he will be singing this every week (he sang it at Hollywood Week), I'm sure it will bother me by Week Six but tonight, it was fun. Please don't vote for him.

Allison Iraheta - "Alone" - Heart is usually a terrible pick. Not this time. She was awesome. Finally! Because this show was awful until now. However, I agree with Simon that she has a rough personality. She put off a Joaquin-Phoenix-on-Letterman vibe with Ryan before singing.

Kris Allen - "Man In The Mirror" - It started out not so great but it ended really strong. I was sitting here when he started singing thinking ugh but then he hit a note and it made me look up from my laptop. I even deleted the first sentence I wrote. Not bad. Will it get a spot? I don't think so.

Megan Corkrey - "Put Your Records On" - This girl knows how to enunciate. Wow. She must have gone to a Catholic school and gotten smacked if she ignored one letter in any word. She also wiggles nicely.

Matt Breitzke - "If You Could Only See" - This was boring. He seems like a nice guy but there are better guys than him, singing-wise. At least when this is over, he can remove one of his eyes and have a life feasting on Odysseus' crew.

Jesse Langseth - "Bette Davis Eyes" - It's pretty good. It was safe but what do you expect? She just died in Daniel Faraday's arms from temporal displacement a couple of weeks ago. It's good to have her back.

Kai Kalama - "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted" - It was nice to listen to. He's got the hair of Sideshow Bob's brother, Cecil, so that's cool. He won't be back.

Mishavonna Henson - "Drops of Jupiter" - It sounded really good but the judges thought she looked too serious. I went back to watch it because I was too busy searching for the spelling of Cecil to look up the first time. She did look serious. Like angry that no one was answering her questions. Yes, Mishavonna, the wind swept me off my feet. Oh God, just don't hurt me.

Adam Lambert - "Satisfaction" - The dude can sing, in most cases not like a dude but he can sing. I think he overdid it but he's working the theater out of himself so that he can then put the theater back in himself after the competition. (Cause he'll be on Broadway with most of the other American Idol finalists from times past.) He'll be fine.

I think the Top 3 will be Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, and Megan Corkrey. Matt Giraud will hopefully get a Wild Card.