American Idol Season 9 - Top 4 (Elimination)

Dear Big Mike,

You were bound to leave the Idol stage at some point. It's best that it was by being voted off and not by accidentally snapping a mentor's neck while lifting them up in a hug. Then Seacrest would have to shoot you like George shot Lennie. It would have made for compelling television, something Idol hasn't had this season.

I have been tough on you on this blog. Know that it wasn't your singing but your actions that caused me to dislike you. Actions do speak louder than vocally-extended words. The fist pumps. The double-handed waving to the crowds. The lip licking. The head toss. The forearm X. The Aaron Kelly lifts. The fedora positioning. The chest pounding. It all left a bad taste in my mouth that repeated rinses with Listerine have not removed.

However, I wish you well. I hope your daughter grows up to be everything you want her to be and I hope your wife gets her eyes fixed because they were constantly leaking. Be well, Big Mike, and stay out of my iTunes. I don't want to hear your name ever again.

Sincerely,

Kevin

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5 (Elimination)

And then there were 2.

Wait, I got ahead of myself. Big Mike and Casey are still around. I advanced the show to its logical conclusion before the producers got to do it. Think I'm being silly, though? How much were Big Mike and Aaron involved in the Ford commercial or the medleys? Not much. The judges are so pro-Lee that they haven't commented on his pitch problems since pre-Top 12. I've read many American Idol blogs talking about his pitch problems. I don't claim to know about singing in tune. However, I did hear a bad note or two when I rewatched this week's show. Still, they want him in the finals and Crystal too. No amount of love for Big Mike is going to change that or shots of Casey's butt for that matter.

There was no Bottom 3 this week.

Bottom 2:

Big Mike - The voting public must love pork because that's the only way to explain how this ham has made it this far. He will have another week of Randy praising him and America not voting for him. It really bothers me how much joy his wife shows in his survival while someone else's dream is shattered. I swear significant others in the past have shown much more subtlety in their celebrations of earning another week. Though, I wouldn't expect Big Mike to marry someone who is subtle. That's like a bear marrying an unsubtle bear.

Aaron Kelly - I never liked him but he's in the right place for Idol losers - country. If you don't win Idol, it is best to go country. This isn't a knock on the type of music but former Idol contestants have found solid careers in country music.

1. Kelly Pickler - She has won actual awards!?!?
2. Josh Gracin - He was the marine.
3. Bucky Covington - He was not very good but he's apparently good now!
4. Phil Stacey - Bet you never thought you'd see his lemur-like face again.
5. Kristy Lee Cook - She's got some looks to her...
6. Danny Gokey - Really??

Final Thoughts: We are a week away from getting to hear Lee and Crystal sing twice. That's something to look forward to. I have no other thoughts other than the fact that I love Lady Gaga. For me, for you, this wasn't her best performance but I'm still a fan. She just entertains. She can sing the phone book or monotone speak the phone book. It doesn't matter. I love when she takes the stage. I wish she would mentor. Maybe next season.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5

Harry Connick, Jr. is a great musician. And a total goofball. I was nervous when I heard that he was arranging the songs for them because I like when the Idols (Lee and Crystal) do their own thing but I think it worked out. Truthfully, I feel like as long as Lee is ok, the mentor did a good job. Also, they still found a way to go over the hour and cut into Glee with only 5 singers. How?!?!

Aaron Kelly - "Fly Me to the Moon" - When his hips wiggle like that, I like to picture him with 12 hula hoops about his waist. It makes the boring performances more entertaining. "Keep going, Aaron! Oh no, one's falling! Wait, the song's over?" Perfect.

Something to shoot for, Aaron. That's 100.

Casey James - "Blue Skies" - The Brookstone massage chair was at the highest setting for this song. Now I know why Casey never holds notes. It's because the world isn't ready for it. Casey needs to find another world where they will accept that kind of singing. And I think he can book a ticket on an exploratory rocket for tomorrow morning.

Crystal Bowersox - "Summer Wind" - I thought it was dull. It sounded pretty but I didn't want to hear it a second time which I have for past Crystal performances. She talks back too much and the stylists dress her horribly. If she was on "What Not to Wear," Stacy and Clinton would throw out her whole Idol wardrobe before they gave her a shopping spree.

"It all starts with a bra that really fits."

Big Mike - "The Way You Look Tonight" - It's never good when he's my other favorite besides Lee. It was good. I'll begrudgingly give it to him. I'm handing over the positive critique with a tight grip as Big Mike tries to take it but I won't let go. "Good job, Big Mike," comes off my tongue just as easily as "Here, you can have my winning Mega Millions ticket," but he deserves it. Damn it.

Lee DeWyze - "That's Life" - Minus a strange arrangement at the end, I loved it. A good performance from Lee is like waking up in the morning. You just know it's going to happen. Lee took the top spot from Crystal tonight after being second all season. Just like Phil will take Tiger's spot this weekend. Great job.

Bottom Three: We will finally have Crystal in the Bottom 3. She'll be fine but I think she belongs here after two so-so weeks. Aaron will be here as usual but he has more of a teenage girl following than Casey does so he'll be safe. That leaves Casey who failed to put consistent weeks together. If he was in trouble after being good last week, then he will easily go home after this crapfest.

Going Home: Casey James

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6 (Eliminations)

Shania Twain Week ended without a Shania Twain performance but we got two performances with Rascal Flatts. The lead singer of Rascal Flatts is going for the look of "drag queen at his day job."

Tonight! At Boa's! Edie Rascal!

It was a lot of country tonight. After Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood came out to not sing and then introduce a band full of every character Bill Hader plays on SNL. They played for 45 to 107 minutes. My fast forward button asked me to take a break halfway through. Lady Antebellum sang a song, too. I like this song because it allows me to check out other radio stations when it comes on. The final performance was Shakira with Rascal Flatts. That went together like tone-deaf oil and boring water. It was a successful night.

Bottom 3:

Michael Lynche - Big Mike will never go home. He will continue to appear on my television screen pounding his chest and licking his lips long after the season ends. At some point, he will come out of the television like the killer girl in "The Ring" and continually bear hug lift me without my permission. I'm finding a way to come to terms with this. I see no other outcome.

Casey James - Casey was good this week but that's not enough anymore. He didn't build a large enough following with all of his average performances. That's what you need. Crystal was not good this week but she has a following. I think he makes it one more week.

Siobhan Magnus - She has just not been as good or entertaining as she was back in the beginning of the competition. There's only enough room in this competition for one boring person and America prefers Aaron's boredom over hers. It's a shame. I actually prefer her boredom because it had a chance to go away.

Final Thought: This is probably the worst Top 5 in Idol history. If I could never hear Aaron and Big Mike sing again then that means I figured out that I don't have to watch the show. I can watch literally anything else. However, they are still here and I will have to find another way to say how skeevy Mike is or how dull Aaron is. Does America know how hard it is to write about them every week? At least we have Lee and Crystal.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6

Shania Twain Week was better than I thought it was going to be. She's so likable. Is she Irish Canadian? Her accent is confusing. She sounded like Brad Pitt in "Snatch" at times. Anyway, I guess if there has to be a "country" week on American Idol, this was the way to do it.

Lee DeWyze - "You're Still The One" - Lee is like a 1994 Ford Taurus. He's reliable. Another solid performance from him and that's all he needs to do on this show. I simply like hearing him sing. More like Lee DeBecauze! Am I right?

Big Mike - "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing" - The stairs have been bad luck this season. Aaron and Siobhan had terrible moments starting on the stairs. Big Mike licks his lips too much. Are they chapped? Also, I think he wears all of the jewelry and accessories to hold him down from floating away on his inflated ego. He must have studied Wanya Morris from Boyz II Men because he does all of his movements. Watch.

The difference is that Wanya Morris earned the right to look like a pompous ass by selling millions and millions and millions of albums.

Casey James - "Don't" - I liked Jealous Guy better but this was good, too. It's nice when he doesn't stand on stage and jam on the electric. We all know he can play a mean ax. (Is that right? Or is it "axe?") When he pushes his voice, he vibrates like he's sitting in a massage chair on high at Brookstone. Casey James - he's gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-e-a-a-t!

Crystal Bowersox - "No One Needs To Know" - I'm not enjoying this at all. What's happening? Will she be in the Bottom 3? It's possible. She got very defensive when the judges actually criticized her. America doesn't like that and because she has been shining every week, this is the first time we've seen this side of her. Ew, Crystal. Bad form.

Aaron Kelly - "You Got a Way" - Aaron was like a giant drill making a tunnel in the side of a mountain because...wait for it...he was boring! What kind of musical career could he possibly have? The only thing I can think of is he could play Ben Stein's teacher part in a Ferris Bueller musical.

Bueller! Have you seen that student?

Bueller! His attendance would be prudent.

Bueller! Bueller! BUELLERRRR!

(Cue Dancers)

Siobhan Magnus - "Any Man of Mine" - At one point, the mic tried to stop working to put us out of our misery. Actually, I don't know if it was her or the song. At times, it felt like she was singing the "Time Warp." That might have been better. Can Shania Twain go back in time and write that song instead? In fact, that's the perfect nickname for Siobhan - Rocky Horror. Her performances are shaky and frighteningly bad.

Bottom Three: I don't really care how much Randy thought this week was in Aaron's wheelhouse, he's in the Bottom Three. Joining him will be Big Mike because the voters don't even know who Luther Vandross is, let alone want someone who sounds like him. Also, he's icky to look at. For the last spot, it would be fun to see Crystal here because that would guarantee her a spot in the Final but I think it will be Casey over Siobhan. He had a good week but Rocky Horror has a loyal following.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7 (Eliminations)

Idol Gives Back would be more successful if they could find a way, in addition to the charity, to give us the time we lost in our lives due to the following performances:

• Everything sung by Jermaine Sellers, John Park, and Haeley Vaughn
• Lacey Brown's "Landslide" and "Ruby Tuesday"
• Paige Miles' "Smile"
• Andrew Garcia's "Gimme Shelter" and "Heard It Through The Grapevine"
• Tim Urban's "Apologize," "Sweet Love," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
• Siobhan Magnus' "Through the Fire"
• Most of Aaron, Katie, and Big Mike

Highlights of the show were Carrie Underwood, Elton John, and Mary J. Blige. Lowlights were the Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys, and George Lopez.

Bottom Three:

Aaron Kelly - He's fearless but he's also naive. He's American Idol's equivalent of Wile E. Coyote. He can strap all of the rockets he wants to his back and shoes but he's never going to catch the Road Runner (Season 9 crown).

Don't look for it here, Aaron

Casey James - The dreamy-haired Adonis found the Bottom 3 for the first time. I hope he liked the taste of it because this is where he will stay until he leaves in 2 weeks. Some would suggest that a haircut would be a welcome change but rumors are that the hair is his source of mediocrity. Best to leave it. Why mess with an average thing?

Tim Urban - I will give Tim credit for making it this far. I think he will have a solid CW career going forward and I appreciate how much he lived in the moment and cherished all that Idol allowed him to do. Best of luck to him.

Hallelujah

Final Thoughts: There is no one right now even coming close to the greatness of Lee and Crystal. It will be a real shame if that isn't the Final. Frankly, I won't watch. Can America deal with that kind of boycott because there won't be any hilarious recaps? I vow it. Think about it, Nation. (I've been watching some Colbert lately.)

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7

Alicia Keys was the mentor for Inspirational Songs Week. Over the years, she's inspired countless horrible versions of her "Falling" in American Idol auditions. She mentored like she was assigned to monitor detention. There was no effort at all. This led to a down week on Idol after two strong ones. Fortunately, we made it through the show without "Wind Beneath My Wings" but we weren't lucky enough to avoid "I Believe I Can Fly." Thankfully, it wasn't Big Mike. He doesn't need to associate himself with R. Kelly to scare 12-year-old girls. He does that already. All this week did was further the gap between Crystal/Lee and the rest.

Casey James - "Don't Stop" - This song was like a person who only went halfway into the crosswalk and stopped because it was so middle of the road. The usual Casey. He's never bad. He's just never great with the exception of "Jealous Guy" two weeks ago. He's also getting faux-tan enough to be on "Jersey Shore."

Lee DeWyze - "The Boxer" - This is what I was talking about last week. Going back and forth between the nice softer voice and the harsher screaming voice. It was really well done. If the final isn't Lee and Crystal, America will be watching the cruise ship leave from the dock while holding their bags. Do you know why? BECAUSE THEY MISSED THE BOAT!!

Tim Urban - "Better Days" - The votes are in and the population of Stinkville just elected their mayor. Wow, that was terrible. I was actually yearning to hear the Goo Goo Dolls version. He made the Goo Goo Dolls sound rugged and tough. What's next? Brainy Smurf joining the Crips? No! Bad Tim! Bad!

Aaron Kelly - "I Believe I Can Fly" - The end was decent and might have saved him. Can he stop his hips from moving back and forth? They are like the pendulum in a grandfather clock that you have to take back to the store because an hour goes by in 48 seconds. Slow the hips. It can't be good for your internal organs.

Siobhan Magnus - "When You Believe" - She sings like someone from England or Australia with the extreme enunciation she puts into each word. It was very stiff and this song was too much for her. The butterflies actually tried to put themselves back into their fabric cocoons. She's lucky this is a weak season.

Big Mike - "Hero" - The mouth lick will haunt my dreams forever. That was so awful. This never had a chance to be good. My least favorite contestant singing a song by my least favorite singer (Nickelback). I hope people were inspired to not vote for him. Enjoy the lick below.

Crystal Bowersox - "People Get Ready" - Best of the night. I have nothing to add. No jokes. She's awesome.

Bottom Three: I think Siobhan is safe. If she's here, I'm overestimating her fan base. This will be a guys' Bottom Three. Tim Urban was really bad this week. Big Mike was also horrific. And Aaron Kelly was not good enough to avoid this distinction. Tim's squealing girl following will be enough. Aaron sang well enough to make it. Big Mike is just not a likable human being. Watch the tongue lick again if you want help coming to that conclusion.

Going Home: Big Mike

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Again)

I knew a night with Adam Lambert would be crazy but it had nothing to do with him. He gave great advice and led us to the best Idol night so far. Sorry Usher. It was Elvis week and the judges didn't care much about making things current. Everything sounded old and that's fine if the judges don't care. Ryan took a dig at Brian Dunkleman 9 years later. I hope it didn't take him that long to come up with it. My favorite part was how Ryan's mom didn't disagree with Ryan when he said she was probably disappointed to have him as her son. Well played, Mrs. Seacrest. Oh yeah and Ellen liked everything. She didn't dislike one single performance. That's old-school Paula judging right there.

Crystal Bowersox - "Saved" - I didn't know the song and that was probably fine. Crystal does well each week but I'd like to see her do a slow song and belt it out next week. Simon loved it, of course. Simon is like a helicopter parent for Crystal. It's ok to point out mistakes. Crystal will love you more for it.

Andrew Garcia - "Hound Dog" - This was the kind of singing that makes him go home. He's not a big voice singer and that arrangement needs a bigger voice. Andrew needs to take every song he wants to sing, treat it like it's going to have a physical at the doctor, and strip it down.

Tim Urban - "Can't Help Falling in Love" - This performance felt like it should have been in one of the Shrek movies. Tim could provide the voice for an ostrich (fits the look on his face) that used to be a prince and needs Fiona to kiss him. He grew out his nails like an 80s secretary to do some pick work. It was very good.

"That ogre takes you for granted. I run 30 mph."

Lee DeWyze - "A Little Less Conversation" - I feel the need to be more critical of Lee because he's my favorite and I never say anything bad about him. I liked it, sure, but I'd like him to shout less. It's better when he goes from regular rasp to big rasp. That's what works for Harvey Fierstein.

Aaron Kelly - "Blue Suede Shoes" - What's Japanese for "Empty Orchestra?" The song isn't believable coming out of him. I don't think there's a single human being that Aaron would be able to keep off his blue suede shoes - fat guy moving in slow motion, toddler with no arms, paraplegic in front of a gust of wind. It didn't work.

Siobhan Magnus - "Suspicious Minds" - Her hair looks like her version of the hair bike helmet from Flight of the Conchords. She sings like she's asking people if she has food in her teeth. It was better than she's been. I won't say she's back in the competition but she was worth watching which is important.

Just needs the Siobhan streak on the side.

Big Mike - "In the Ghetto" - It was very good. I reluctantly will give it to him. He occupied his arms and legs. Always key. It got a little dreary by the end so, thankfully, I don't have to overpraise it. Man, it sucks. It's like giving props to Dick Cheney...for singing well. I'm glad he didn't do "Love Me Tender." That would have been a cheesefest worthy of Wisconsin.

Katie Stevens - "Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do?" - She has to learn that attitude is not just sliding your head from side to side. I counted 65 head to the lefts and 64 head to the rights. That's good pseudo-attitude balance. I don't know what she has to do to make me like her. Going home might be a good start.

Casey James - "Lawdy, Miss Clawdy" - No one has ever gotten a good set of remarks from the judges from that performing position. Kris Allen's worst week was right there with "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." This was one of those Casey middle-of-the-road ones. It was fine but there was nothing spectacular. He had momentum like the bus in Speed heading towards the gap in the bridge only he stopped pushing the gas pedal and he didn't make it across.

Bottom Three: I went crazy with my guesses last week and only got one right (Aaron Kelly). That one is going to stay right here with his terrible performance this week. I believe Andrew Garcia will join him. I want the last spot to go to Big Mike but he'll be safe this week. Damn it. That leaves Katie Stevens or Casey James but I'll stick with Katie.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly and Andrew Garcia

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Eliminations)

I went into last night thinking that this was the week for shakeups on Idol. Time for a shocker. That's why I went with Siobhan in the Bottom 3. However, Big Mike was my alternate choice for Siobhan's spot. I took a crazy shot for the Bottom 3 and got it fairly wrong. But not as wrong as Rihanna who was a train wreck. Is she actually singing? I don't mean lip-synching. I mean is she singing as opposed to pushing sound out of her throat like a goose? Are those notes? The jury is out.

Bottom 3:

Aaron Kelly - It's nice to see him here. Just because you are on TV and not ugly doesn't make you are heartthrob. This was the only one I got right and I predict he will be back here after another subpar Rascal Flatts-esque version of a dull ballad next week. Can't wait!

Andrew Garcia - He had a better run avoiding the Bottom 3 than he should have. They should put a training collar on him and every time he attempts to sing a song without an acoustic guitar or with an added band, ZAAPPP! Simple. This show is so produced, they can't make this happen?

Big Mike - This was a shocker. Was I rooting for it? Of course I was. His "singing for his life" moment was so over the top. All of the uber-dramatic gestures he didn't get to use last week were added to this week's resulting in what could only come out of a steroid-ridden soap opera star at karaoke. This performance made him go from too confident to too cocky. After the song was over, he pounded his chest like he was about to swing through the trees with Simon as his Jane or attack a ram near a cliff on a special episode on Animal Planet. He is off-putting and I expect America to vote him off again next week telling the judges, "No, no, we meant to vote that way."

Final Thought: The Judges' Save was used way too early this season. What do we do if Crystal gets voted off in the next 5 weeks?What was with the judges hugging each other after they chose to save Big Mike? "We did it guys! We saved the guy who gave the 'Suck it' gesture to America after he learned the results!" (I saw the forearm cross, Big Mike.) The Save should be used on someone who they believe can win American Idol. Big Mike will not. Next week's mentor is Adam Lambert. I can't wait for him to work with Siobhan. I expect the rehearsal room to explode from too much artistry.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9

It was Lennon/McCartney week and the magic word of the night was "blossom." It's like the contestants were little girls and it was time for them to become women. There was no guest mentor this week but the night was good again. Casey James might have won the night?!?! There were a couple of bad ones but overall, it was an enjoyable night. Contestants grew boobs is what I'm saying.

Aaron Kelly - "The Long and Winding Road" - Oooo another ballad. I don't know if this was as boring as he's been in the past. That's something he's going to have to work on in the coming weeks. Getting back to that pinnacle of boredom that he reached weeks ago with that other forgettable ballad. Gonna be hard.

Katie Stevens - "Let It Be" - They did a whole intro package pointing out how fun the other contestants think she is so I don't understand why she picks songs like this. It was pretty but I thought it was still dreary. If she is so fun, why does she sing like the equivalent of a bottle of Ambien?

Andrew Garcia - "Can't Buy Me Love" - Brian Setzer would have loved this if he were still alive. He is? I'm surprised he let Andrew borrow the Stray Cats then. It just wasn't Andrew. The band overpowered him. Andrew needs to keep it simple like last week with just an acoustic.

Big Mike - "Eleanor Rigby" - David Cook killed this song two seasons ago. It was a poor version of David Cook's take on it and the judges refused to acknowledge that. When it started, I thought he was going to R&B it up and that might have worked. Simon thought it was too Broadway and Randy defended it by saying it could have been on Glee. Who would Big Mike play on Glee? The truant officer from Hell?

Crystal Bowersox - "Come Together" - That may have been the best version done on Idol (over Kris Allen and Carly Smithson). My favorite part was when she sneezed after the song ended. She sang that whole song holding in a sneeze. She's fantastic. Enough said.

Tim Urban - "All My Lovin'" - It's the Across the Universe version. It was smart of Tim to sing a song that the judges can't get mad at him for smiling through. He might actually be safe. Randy, the only one to not like it, said he had to judge Tim in his own category against other Tim Urban performances. This is funny because I judge Randy's judging against previous Randy judging. Boo Randy! Boo!

Casey James - "Jealous Guy" - He dressed in his Bee Gees best. It shouldn't be about his guitar playing. I feel like the camerawork focuses on his guitar prowess over his singing ability. That's unfortunate because tonight he sang really really well. Casey finally stepped it up.

Siobhan Magnus - "Across The Universe" - She sang this like she was in a movie and she was too nervous to sing in front of people. Then she opened up a little at the end so the people in her class could go "WOW, that girl could sing!" Well, Siobhan, if you want fame, fame costs and tonight is where you start paying...with sweat. Oh, it's not a movie? Then it was dull.

Lee DeWyze - "Hey Jude" - Sure the bagpiper was weird but I'm drinking the Kool Aid. He had fun and he let go this week. He even joked around in his post-interview. I think he needed a night of being playful to finally break the nerves. I'm expecting amazing next week.

Bottom Three: I'm not buying that Katie is staying out of the Bottom Three. I also think it is time for Aaron Kelly to go there. Finally, in a surprise, I'd like to say Siobhan Magnus is getting a scare. Those are my three. Tim should be here but he's good looking and got a good set of remarks from the judges. That will be enough to keep him out.

Going Home: Katie Stevens

American Idol Season 9 - Top 10

It was Usher week and he did a good job as evidenced by the strong performances tonight. There were three clear great ones tonight (Andrew, Lee, and Crystal). Andrew owes a lot of that to Usher. I'm also concerned about Ryan and his hosting. He seemed to have found a good balance but lately he's been extra on the contestants' side. He has attacked the judges (Simon) and tried to pull tears from the singers (Didi) or point out their illnesses (Lee). He needs to go back to simply hosting and figuring out new ways to emphasize the "Am" in "This. Is. American Idol."

Siobhan Magnus - "Through The Fire" - This was the worst she's been all season. I didn't like her in previous weeks but at least she was doing something interesting. This was just bad. She's also going the American Idol Mikalah Gordon make-up route (See below). She will benefit from Simon being excessively mean to her.

Casey James - "Hold On, I'm Comin'" - He is Mr. Consistent. Never good enough to be the best of the night and never bad enough to be in the Bottom 3. Pretty soon the middle won't exist, Casey.

Big Mike - "I'm Ready For Love" - Just the titles he picks make me want to punch him in the face. He says the guitar is his "bread and butter." Fun fact - This was his 3rd guitar of the day after he ate the first two for carbs. Using a stool and guitar kept his limbs occupied so he couldn't do anything annoying and corny. It was smart. Next week, maybe he'll use handcuffs and put his feet in cement like he pissed off the mob. Best performance by him for me.

Didi Benami - "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" - Very theater-y. It's broken, not barrohken. Didi is not sticking to the stuff that made her good. If she makes it to next week, I want her to bring her guitar back. Hopefully, Big Mike won't eat it.

Tim Urban - "Sweet Love" - He stares at the camera like American Idol will disappear if he blinks. I think I speak for viewers when I say it's time to blink. Blink, Tim! That was an awful performance. Awful.

Andrew Garcia - "Forever" - He finally got back to himself. This is the Andrew that I like. A pep talk from Usher doesn't hurt. How do I get an Usher pep talk? Is there a 900 number I can call? It wasn't amazing but it was very solid and got him back in the hunt.

Katie Stevens - "Chain of Fools" - She is just an old soul. It's too bad that soul can't sing well. She's so boring. It's like watching paint sing. Or grass sing. I can't take it much longer.

Lee DeWyze - "Treat Her Like a Lady" - He won the night. I'm so happy he got away from last week's performance style. I was worried because the judges praised him but he went back to what makes him comfortable. I just wish his right leg wasn't keeping 3-16 time. It's like he's trying to pump a bike tire before the bullies get him.

Crystal Bowersox - "Midnight Train to Georgia" - She was very good but she was the most hesitant I've seen her. It was minimal but she did not like standing up. It could have been the shoes. Hippies are afraid of heights. That's why they are such fans of grass.

Aaron Kelly - "Ain't No Sunshine" - Why would you try this song after Kris Allen did it so well just one season ago? It was dull. Usher gave him awesome advice and then he didn't use it. That's why he went the opposite way Andrew did this week. Even the chipmunks raced off the stage. Didn't even finish putting Aaron's picnic together.

Bottom Three: This week was much better than last week. It proves once and for all that Usher is better than Miley Cyrus. Let's all agree now. I believe Tim Urban and Katie Stevens will return to the Bottom Three. And it's time to welcome someone new - Didi Benami. I think she's fine but she needs a good scare.

Going Home: Tim Urban

American Idol Season 9 - Top 11

Miley Cyrus was the mentor this week. She won me over by saying she didn't know why she was a mentor but she would be willing to help with connection and stage presence. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, that won't allow me to rip her apart as mentor. I had a whole metaphor about a dragon and a bakery. It was gonna be sweet. As for the awful night, at least the contestants had fun because the viewers did not.

Lee DeWyze - "The Letter" - I agreed with Simon on this. It didn't feel like Lee. After last week's "Beast of Burden" (which I have watched 4 times), I was disappointed. He doesn't need to be moving around to be a "star." The 3 Non-Simons are giving him bad advice. Do not listen to them, Lee. Do not hear their call. You will die (or get voted off).

Paige Miles - "Against All Odds" - She went with the stairs. The stairs usually lead to good comments from the judges but not this time. It might have been worse than her "Smile" from 2 weeks ago. I had to make sure it wasn't me singing up there. She better not put that on YouTube. Commenters will be merciless.

Tim Urban - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - Tim Urban got a hug. Do you think Miley's boyfriend is going to be jealous? That hug said "I wish it was you, Tim Urban, in my Nicholas Sparks movie and not the other guy." Let's talk about Miley's movie instead of the singing. No? Fine. It was ok. I have a feeling the judges would have liked it if this was Season 2. I'm more concerned with the slide. It was like the first day of sliding in Little League practice. He is going to hurt himself. At least, Miley will take care of him.

Aaron Kelly - "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" - It was decent for having laryngitis and tonsillitis but I'm a big fan of this song............'s movie. How can he connect to this song? This is song is about a Bruce Willis stopping an asteroid from hitting Earth so that his daughter may live. Aaron is too young to have experienced that. I didn't buy it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Me and Bobby McGee" - It was fantastic. Maybe the only good performance of the night. Therefore, I'd like to talk about how Miley ruined Crystal's guitar. Crystal gave you a gift, Cyrus. You don't deserve to sign that guitar and she allowed you to and then you take up all of that room. Just sign your name. Where's Pink going to sign? Where's Paula Cole going to sign? Where's the random lady who was spiritually inhabited by Karen Carpenter just to meet Crystal going to sign? Think next time.

Big Mike - "When A Man Loves A Woman" - I didn't even want to watch once I heard the song choice. One thing is for sure. Big Mike loves love. Big Mike loves women. And Big Mike loves loving women. Is anyone up for Mike mixing it up next week and rocking out, "Throw Some Ds on that Bitch?" At the very least it will be fun to watch him cornily mime picking up D cup breasts and throwing them at an imaginary bitch.

Andrew Garcia - "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" - I've given up on Andrew. I'll listen to whatever pop acoustic song he puts on YouTube but he's got nothing left. If there was one positive for this performance, it was his dedication to pointing to his ear every time he mentioned hearing something through the grapevine.

Katie Stevens - "Big Girls Don't Cry" - There was no edge to the vocal. It sounded like one long "Yayayayayayayayayayayaya" howl if those ya's were out of tune. Fergie is not one of those Idol untouchables (Mariah or Whitney) but she sings with attitude. Katie has the attitude of seahorse that was raised by the Amish. It did not work but the Non-Simons liked it.

Casey James - "The Power of Love" - He sounded exactly like Huey Lewis at times. It was scary. In the opening interview, he said he was going to focus on moving around and owning the stage. So how did he rock the stage? He started standing near his microphone and then walked to it. You know what? Owning the stage is a journey and that always starts with the one step he took tonight. I'm looking forward to next week!

Didi Benami - "You're No Good" - It was fine but it felt very Broadway. I hope this was an off week for her because I don't want her to be a Broadway Idol. She's better than that. I don't want her starring in "My Name in Heart Lights: The Music of Neil Diamond" by this time next year. Side note - I'd get tickets for that show regardless.

Siobhan Magnus - "Superstition" - Clean up on Idol 11! That was a mess and a half. Her body moves in slow motion. It is independent to whatever her mouth is doing. It doesn't look right. Is it because she can't see? She should crawl around feeling for stuff next week. Also, she screeched again at the end. Imagine that.

Bottom Three: While I know it is hard to pick only 3 going home-worthy performances, you have to factor in the number of fans people have. Paige is done. It was that bad. They can't afford to have her there next week even if the producers have to turn off her phone line. The other two spots are probably Andrew Garcia (he's done more than enough to deserve it) and Katie Stevens (her singing is like licking cardboard). I feel Tim Urban has too many girls in love with him. Same with Aaron Kelly.

Going Home: Paige Miles

American Idol Season 9 - Top 12

It's Rolling Stones Week and after the awful cuts last week, I was expecting a disaster but most of the performances were good to even great. Everyone must have gotten confidence from making the Top 12 because the singing was backed with a "Maybe I belong" attitude. Of note, I have begun fast-forwarding Kara because I can't stand hearing about needing a connection every single freaking time!

Big Mike - "Miss You" - He sings well but his movements, as Simon stated, are corny. It's all ham-fisted theatrics with him and then he eats those fists after blasting his pecs in the Idol gym. When Big Mike does get voted off, can you promise me Tom Hanks will escort him and the mouse whose life he saved off the stage?

Didi Benami - "Play With Fire" - When the cameras showed that she was doing this without a guitar, I got nervous. Were we going to have another "Lean on Me?" The answer was no. She had a determined, angry stare as she sang. It was a really good gamble. She's like a nonvoluptuous Joan from "Mad Men" that sings and cries a lot.

Casey James - "It's All Over Now" - Just like Didi, he decided to go with the setup that got him the most criticism from the judges - electric guitar. He belted it out and he finally had a good performance instead of a safe one. Way to listen to my advice, Casey. It took you three weeks.

Lacey Brown - "Ruby Tuesday" - This is the kind of Ruby Tuesday that would appear in a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book. It's too sweet and lilting. Her shyness is going to be the end of her. I'm not even worried about her chances on Idol. They're ending soon enough. I'm more worried about how she's going to coax a college guy into her bed in 20 years because shyness won't do it.

Andrew Garcia - "Gimme Shelter" - This competition has broken Andrew. He doesn't know what to do on stage anymore. I thought this was good but it's not his style. He might as well have fun because he's done on the show. Next week's suggestion - cymbals between his knees, a bass drum on his chest and a plastic toy trumpet by his lips.

Katie Stevens - "Wild Horses" - She's wearing the dress she wore to her own 5th birthday party and singing a sexy song. Somewhere, Marky Mark is carving "Katie" into his chest while the guy from CSI is trying to figure out how to not let Katie grow up too fast. It was ok.

Tim Urban - "Under My Thumb" - It was the You-Just-Arrived-At-Sandals-Let-Us-Take-Your-Bags-While-You-Enjoy-A-Cocktail-By-Our-Pool-With-Another-Couple-That-Talks-Too-Much version. It just made me angry because I hate Sandals so much. He also went back to the falsetto from Week One. Oof. Just not good, Tim. However, you are adorable. You can stay.

Siobhan Magnus - "Paint It Black" - That was every sound that can come out of a human mouth all rolled into one song. The judges referenced Adam Lambert and it was true. So much happening vocally. It was one of those performances that I hated. I thought it sounded terrible. She's more than fine, though. She will coast to the Top 5 but I'm glad that was over.

Lee DeWyze - "Beast of Burden" - He does get better every week which is awesome because I have liked him since the beginning. I wish Ellen and Simon would shut up. If he's good, let him be good. Don't put doubts in the voters' minds. He better not go home too soon.

Paige Miles - "Honky Tonk Woman" - She sounded scared. There are times where you can hear the big voice and then there are times where all I can think about is how she took Katelyn Epperly's spot. However, for having laryngitis, it was really good and she should get a bunch of sympathy votes.

Aaron Kelly - "Angie" - I love when they show his growing up pictures. One of them was taken yesterday! Unfortunately, it was very good. Rabbits hopped onto the stage midway through and died from smiling too hard. He's going to be safe. Bummer.

Crystal Bowersox - "You Can't Always Get What You Want" - She is immaculate on stage. I'm glad Simon said Siobhan took her spot as frontrunner because the frontrunners never win. Crystal was too hyped until now and hopefully she can play catch up for a couple of weeks before taking back the top spot.

Bottom Three: This is a tough one because there are people I want to put in the Bottom Three but they won't go there (Tim, Aaron, Katie). Also, last week has me questioning my feel for America's preferences. I think Lacey Brown is a definite. She was mediocre and she made the mistake of thinking she'll be back. When Ryan was showing her the rest of the stage she said she'd remember that for the next week. Never good to assume. You make a Randy out of...wait. After that, I would say Andrew Garcia. He has to start being vulnerable after four weeks of negative criticism from the judges. Finally, I will go with Paige Miles. I think she is safe because of pity for her illness but she has yet to impress.

Going Home: Lacey Brown

American Idol Season 9 - Top 16 (Boys)

While the girls are trying to win the competition and are fighting to stay, the guys are doing everything they can to go home. Well, there's only 2 seats left on the bus to Idol obscurity. Who's fighting to get to the front of the ticket line?

Lee DeWyze - "Fireflies" - I'm not a fan of this song. I agree that he made it better but it was probably his weakest of the 3 live weeks (Sequel to 2 Live Crew?). When you want to go home, it's best to save your worst for last. Lee is in it to lose it!

Alex Lambert - "Trouble" - His voice isn't gritty enough for this song. This is like Justin Bieber trying to sing the blues. I think this is a major step backwards in the progress he was making. Good strategy, Lambert!

Tim Urban - "Hallelujah" - It's not right that he and Lacey stepped up this week. They were supposed to go home. Why can't people let their dreams fade away? Ellen gave him a hug. That's really going to hurt his chances of going home. Every single person that Ellen has ever hugged has eventually gotten what they wanted. Fact!

Andrew Garcia - "Genie in a Bottle" - I liked it but I fear I'm too biased on him. This was an attempt at recapturing the Paula Abdul moment he had in Hollywood Week. Girl song. Acoustic guitar. All of the pieces were there. Unfortunately, Christina Aguilera will never compare to Paula Abdul. Aguilera could never be forever my or anyone else's girl.* His chances of going home are good.

Casey James - "You'll Think of Me" - Yaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn. I'm going to pull a Simon comment working off the song title - "No, we won't. That was rubbish." Is he ever going to push his voice? He may not get the chance to answer it. This race is heating up!

Aaron Kelly - "I'm Already There" - Finally, someone's making a real push to go home! This is how you have a moment! A terrible terrible moment. Everyone else was playing it safe and may be going home. Aaron came out and swung for the fences on this one. He missed the ball completely and lost control of the bat. The bat flew out of his hands, went into the stands, and killed a person. That person - Top 12 Aaron Kelly. How did this not get the pimp slot?

Todrick Hall - "Somebody To Love" - It was pretty good and may have erased two weeks of hard work to go home. Todrick came out to prove he could sing (mistake) and he did so on a very difficult song (double mistake). Ah, who am I kidding? We have our two losers back-to-back! Later, Todrick!

Big Mike - "This Woman's Work" - I don't get the appeal of him. He's fine. He has confidence. Is he personally threatening everyone in the country with a "Vote or Else" ultimatum? Is it time for Kara to point on a doll and tell the cops where the Big Mike touched her? How did he become the frontrunner?

Going Home: Todrick Hall and Aaron Kelly

Worried For: Andrew Garcia

*Does not apply to her father and husband.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 20 (Boys)

Ok, it was rough for all of us last week. Time to hunker down and make the right choices, both in song and comedy. The guys are up first this week because Crystal Bowersox had to go to the hospital. She got violently ill thinking about my suggestion for this week's group sing.

Michael Lynche - "This Is A Man's World" - The judges loved it. I don't really get it. I thought it was too understated. With his muscles, he could lift anything. Maybe next week he should try our spirits.

John Park - "Gravity" - "I'm hungry, is there any food?" was his Korean example? That's how he proves he knows Korean? By saying the phrase you learn after "Where is the bathroom?" He's failing us as a pre-performance video subject. And that's all he's got going for him. Do you think Shania Twain can deal with how wrong she was? Because this guy....wait for it....don't impress-a me much. Thank you! Seriously, it's just a lyric used playfully. It's nothing.

Casey James - "I Don't Wanna Be" - Never had a TV? How is he going to watch back how average he was this week? He should have done this acoustic. I appreciate that he can play electric guitar but his voice doesn't go over it. Just because I can operate a blender like nobody's business doesn't mean I make smoothies while doing stand-up. (Nailed it.)

Alex Lambert - "Everybody Knows" - The last note was rough but holding a guitar was a vast improvement, stage presence-wise. What if he held 2 or 3 guitars? He'd be like Bette Midler out there (if she held 3 guitars and had a mullet). Good job and he got a Simon pep talk that should carry him through.

Todrick Hall - "What's Love Got To Do With It?" - His jacket made him look like a pewter figurine that came alive and sang Tina Turner but he didn't come completely alive so the pewter figurine couldn't keep up with the music. His days are numbered. Plus, Simon called him Tondrick. When are these contestants going to have names he can't mess up? This is why Simon is leaving.

Jermaine Sellers - "What's Going On?" - He uses steam baths to open his voice. They should take it away. That voice needs to be closed permanently. Put an eviction notice on it and then hire a demolition team. He's all presentation and no substance. Also, the presentation is poor and now we lost the account! Damn it, Jermaine! This company's going under!

Andrew Garcia - "You Give Me Something" - He is missing out again. He should have done this song more fun and acoustic. I was worried when there was no guitar in his hands. I knew it. This boy needs to hold a guitar. Did Alex steal it from him? Simon was disappointed again. Andrew will be in his bathtub later crying, scrubbing Simon's disappointment off himself until he bleeds. Chin up, Andrew.

Aaron Kelly - "My Girl" - A country version of a motown song. That was weird. Is he too wholesome? Is that a thing? I'll make it one. I don't like him because he is too wholesome. He's the Anti-Adam Lambert. Skittles should come out of his mouth while he sings and mice should make him dresses.

Tim Urban - "Come On Get Higher" - I wish Andrew Garcia had done this song. Would have been so nice. Still, he did a good job with it but he stayed away from the falsetto notes like they were unwholesome things and he was Aaron Kelly. Is it catching on yet?

Lee Dewyze - "Lips of an Angel" - This was my favorite of the night. He's still not perfect but I love him. He's the frontrunner in my opinion (and Simon's). There's nothing else to say. I hope he can keep pushing himself since none of the other guys are competing.

Going Home: Jermaine Sellers and John Park

American Idol Season 9 - Top 24 (Boys)

It's the boys' turn and Simon's wearing a nice button-down shirt. Unbuttoned to his crotch, but nice.

Todrick Hall - "Since You've Been Gone" - He seems to have the same problem that I had with Adam Lambert. He comes off fake. I like that he made the song different. It didn't sound very good but I think he can fake being good long enough to make it further. Proof that I'm on the right track? From Adam Lambert's Twitter - "Toddricks def gonna surprise us!! Mad talent!! Def the full package." Nailed it!

Aaron Kelly - "Here Comes Goodbye" - He doesn't have any confidence but he's 16. Confidence will come as he realizes a million girls - just like the ones who ignored him completely up to this point at his school - will want to marry him. He seems like a nice boy. He'd do the honorable thing. Safe.

Jermaine Sellers - "Get Here" - He sang like someone who can't sing at the beginning, very quiet. And then he hit the big notes which were also sung like someone who can't sing. If he has one thing going for him, he makes facial expressions like a good singer. Probably not enough.

Tim Urban - "Apologize" - When Kris Allen did this song last year, I was hoping he would skip the falsettos and do "Too Late" part in his regular awesome voice. He didn't and it was probably one of the weaker performances for Kris last year. Tim made Kris' version seem like one of the greatest moments in Idol history. He could be in trouble.

Joe Munoz - "You and I Both" - Goes with the stool and the stand up on the chorus template. That's classic Idol. The problem with the performance is Jason Mraz is so good that it paled. Joe might be talented but it didn't show this week. Also, my wife says he is ugly and has rapist eyes. So there's that.

Tyler Grady - "American Woman" - Why is he so likable? It was shouty and weird but I still want him on the show. The judges' consensus is that his 70s style and mannerisms have to go. I'm thinking lots of tin foil and robot moves. Take it 40 years in the other direction, Tyler. So likable.

Lee Dewyze - "Chasing Cars" - I liked this one and so did Simon. We might have been the only two. The guy is good. Up to this point in the night, he was the best one. I like how he pushed this song from the slow-paced original. If he was more in tune, I would want to own it. I maintain that's a complement.

John Park - "God Bless The Child" - Oof. I liked him after his audition. His Shania Twain package was great, too. Reminiscent of the fun Anoop Desai brought. However, he failed to bring the Anoop fun to the song. This was dull. I know the song is personal but what made him think this was the right choice for America's first impression? I would have rather he came out and blasted an air horn for 90 seconds instead.

Michael Lynche - "This Love" - Maybe it's because he had a baby girl and I see him as dad competition but I think he's pretty terrible. Big Mike sounded like a cruise ship. I'm aware that I didn't put "singer" on the end of that. He sounds like a cruise ship - gurgle-y, watered-down, the occasional toot. He'll be fine because he's happy and people like happy.

Alex Lambert - "Wonderful World" - I was wondering how he was going to make it without his unnecessary ukulele from Hollywood Week but it seems his awkward powers lie in his mullet. He actually has a good voice and if he stops clutching the microphone like it's an unpinned grenade, he can do well.

Casey James - "Heaven" - They spent way too much time on Kara's "crush" on him. I like that he chose this song amongst all the nonsense. If you embrace Idol's nonsense, you can do better than if you try to transcend it. The singing was ok. He never pushed his voice so it stayed in one place. Still, I'll take this over most of tonight's guys.

Andrew Garcia - "Sugar, We're Going Down" - He is so smooth. I liked this version. People are probably going to tire of his "Take a song that's upbeat and make it acoustic and nice" approach but I want it. I want it so bad. I don't know if he has the ability to do anything else but, frankly, I don't care. He's my favorite. Though, Danny Gokey was my favorite this time last year. Hmmm.

Bottom Three: Jermaine Sellers was the worst of the night. I will also go with John Park who should be fine and hopefully scared into stepping up next week. The last spot will be Joe Munoz, more as a guess of America's style than a deserved placement.

Going Home: Jermaine Sellers and Joe Munoz