Tor Baby Countdown: 14 Days

It's one of our last New Produce Tuesdays. The baby is the length of a leek! LEEEK! A leek is a vegetable that is related to the onion which makes sense as the baby will also create smells that lead to tears. I do have one question for Baby Center, though. Where's the watermelon? It better be next week. I've been looking forward to a watermelon for 38 weeks now. Bring the watermelon!

Today is my wife's first day home from work. We went to the movies and saw Iron Man 2. We have plans for 2 more movies this week as we've been told we will never go to the movies again. I have calls out to the studios to put The A-Team, Toy Story 3, Twilight: Eclipse, Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim in theaters this weekend. I have not heard back but I am certain they will gladly accommodate a moderate YouTube star such as myself.

"Let's go somewhere else"

We have also started a Facebook pool for the baby's birth date and weight. One person picked this Saturday which is our wedding anniversary. I don't want that as an anniversary present. Some people will say it will make it easy to remember my anniversary. I'm not a husband in a sitcom. I remember my anniversary because I love my wife. Also, I want to make sure I see MacGruber.

THAT'S an anniversary present.

Going To The Movies: Benjamin Linus

It took many weeks for Eloise Hawking to find me a flight that would get me to the Island. I don't know why Ben couldn't take a sub to meet me in New Jersey. I know Locke blew up their sub but they don't have a backup sub? They seem to have everything at their fingertips but a second sub? No, that's crazy. It's much easier for me to be in a FREAKIN' PLANE CRASH to get to Ben Linus.

I'm sorry. It was just a miserable experience. I woke up hanging from a tree, a stolen copy of "The Invention of Lying" dangling three branches over. I'll spare you the shimmying and the stretching but I got down with a minimal amount of head bumps. (My phrenologist is going to have a field day.)

Ben had set up the video monitors in The Pearl station to display the film together. Ben was dressed better than his picture. He greeted me warmly and apologized for the inconveniences I had in my travels. I punched him in the face. It made me feel better and he didn't retaliate. He merely said he got that a lot. We sat down and watched the movie, finishing off two bags of 30 year-old Dharma popcorn.

Kevin

So, Ben, let's get this over with so I can get back home. What did you think of the movie?

Ben Linus

I'm sorry, Kevin. You can't go home.

Kevin

Excuse me?

Ben Linus

The Island has been going through some depression and we were hoping you could cheer it up with your...comedy.

Kevin

You want me to tell jokes to a land mass?

Ben Linus

In a sense...yes.

Kevin

I'm going home. I'm going to build a raft and head on a bearing of 305 degrees. Bye, Ben.

Ben Linus

I can't let you do that.

Kevin stands up. Ben pulls out a gun and points it in Kevin's direction.

Ben Linus

Have a seat. I want to show you something.

Kevin sits down. Ben pulls out a video tape and puts it in to a VCR. Dr. Pierre Chang appears on the screen.

Dr. Chang

Hello and welcome to the Dharma Initiative. This is Station 5, The Pearl. I cannot express what an honor it is to have you, Mr. Carlin.

Kevin

Carlin?

Ben pauses the video.

Ben Linus

It was the 70s. We also have a tape for Richard Pryor but I figured George Carlin was closer to you.

Kevin

Because I'm white?

Ben Linus

No, because I think currently, you are just as funny as he is.

Kevin

But he's dead now.

Ben Linus

Exactly. Funny, right? You can use that in your act.

Kevin

That was disrespecful. Look, you can't be serious.

Ben Linus

Oh, I'm dead serious, Jack.

Kevin

You mean Kevin.

Ben Linus

Sorry, I'm so used to saying that to Jack. Shall we continue?

Ben hits "play" on the VCR.

Dr. Chang

Mr. Carlin, we have chosen you for your ability to observe and comment humorously on what you see. The Pearl Station is the perfect place to do that with cameras monitoring all points of the island. Just write down anything that strikes you in the notebooks provided and, at the end of the day, send them in the tubes where they will be transfered to the appropriate personal. Thank you again, Mr. Carlin, and welcome to the Dharma Initiative.

Kevin

I know where the tubes go. There's an open field where the notebooks are piled with no one reading them.

Ben Linus

Not true. The Island reads them.

(beat)

Well, if that's all, I'll let you get started.

Kevin

I'm not staying here!

Ben hits Kevin in the back of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him unconscious.

And that's how I came to be on this island. I don't know how long it will be until I get to do another Going to the Movies. I don't know how long it will be until I see my wife again. Ben promised me I would only be here for six months but isn't that what he told Juliet, too? I want to thank Jacob for helping me get this blog out. As for The Invention of Lying, it was very funny and very original. I recommend seeing it. Maybe someone can take my wife to see it. I know she would like that. Until next time, whenever that is. I love you, honey.

Going To The Movies: Sookie Stackhouse

While it would have been fun to head down the Bon Temps, Louisiana, to take in a movie, I wanted to see something that was made after 1987 and was not on VHS. I sent a letter (no email) to Sookie asking if she wanted to come out to New Jersey and see something new. She jumped at the chance, wanting to get away from all that vampire drama.

We went to see G.I. Joe because I thought some mindless cinema would be just the distraction she needed. After the movie was over, we went to dinner and discussed the film.

Kevin

Thanks for coming on the show, Sookie.

Sookie

My pleasure. 

Kevin

So what did you think of the movie?

Sookie

I thought it was too busy. I liked the main guy, though.

Kevin

Channing Tatum.

Sookie

What was that? You think he's attractive? I would have to agree.

Kevin

I didn't say that.

Sookie

You thought it. It's ok. He is very cute.

(beat, listening)

I guess he could be a good dancer, too. I didn't really see that.

Kevin

Please stop listening to my thoughts. My mind is thinking things I would be embarrassed for you to hear me thinking and they are coming out as my actual thoughts.

Sookie

(shocked)

You have a wife!

Sookie slaps Kevin across the face.

Kevin

See? I didn't mean that.

Sookie

You're disgusting.

Kevin

A man's private thoughts should be just those. This isn't right.

Sookie

Neither is picturing me and the waitress in a two-person horse costume but you're doing that.

Kevin

This interview is over.

Sookie

Are you sure? I think a lot of people would like to know which member of En Vogue you'd like to switch places with.

Kevin

I didn't think anything like that.

Sookie

I know. I'm just messing with you. You need to lighten up. Your thoughts are not that bad. You should hear the things my brother, Jason, thinks.

Kevin

Really?

Sookie

Yup. Now let's finish the interview correctly. I don't want to be like all your other interviews that don't bother talking about the movie.

Kevin

(excited)

How did you - 

(dejected)

Right, I thought it. Would you tell others to see the movie?

Sookie

Absolutely not. I like simple stories. Maybe this sort of thing works for y'all in New Jersey but not in Bon Temps.

Kevin

It doesn't work in New Jersey, either. There was no story to make up for the horrible dialogue. The special effects were overpowering and confusing. I was really disappointed.

Sookie

You secretly liked it.

Kevin

Damn it. Well, that's it for our show. Thanks to Sookie Stackhouse for coming and making my thoughts known to the world. Hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies.

Going To The Movies: Dr. Walter Bishop

Thanks to a lull in paranormal activity in the Northeast part of the United States (seems to be the only place it happens), I was able to go to the movies with Dr. Walter Bishop. He was not too pleased about going without his son, Peter, but we thought it best if he had a full escape from the lab. Plus, I took a class in adolescent psychology so I thought I could manage. Just apply the knowledge four times as much.

We went to see "Crank: High Voltage" and once I got him a medium popcorn with green m&ms in it ("Only green"), he was settled in for the rest of the film. After it was over, we had the following discussion about the movie:

Kevin

So Dr. Bishop...

Dr. Bishop

Call me Walter.

Kevin

Ok, Walter, what did you think of the film?

Walter stares off in thought.

Kevin

Walter?

Dr. Bishop

(shakes head)

I think I just remembered where I left my mechanical pencil. It's in the sun visor of my Datsun.

Kevin

What does that have to - Wait, you had a Datsun?

Dr. Bishop

Yes, I built it on my sabbatical.

Kevin

You built a Datsun?

Dr. Bishop

Actually, I built two of them but only one of them ran on Coca Cola.

Kevin

Riiiight...let's talk about the movie. I didn't really care for it. I'm usually ok with crazy Jason Statham plots but an artificial heart that needs to be charged hourly by grabbing telephone wires?

Dr. Bishop

Take me to my lab.

Kevin

What?

Dr. Bishop

Hurry!

Kevin

What about the movie interview?

Dr. Bishop

Take me to my lab!

Kevin and Walter get in the car. We skip ahead 20 minutes to the lab. Walter is thumbing through a filing cabinet. He finds a file and opens it.

Dr. Bishop

Aha! Here it is. In 1981, I did some work with a mechanical heart that could pump the blood of a gorilla for three hours using an external battery pack. I suppose it could be adjusted to work with an internal battery. Would you like to help me do some research?

Kevin

Of course. Are you serious?

Dr. Bishop

No. I just wanted to see pictures of my Datsun. See?

Walter hands him a photo of the Datsun.

Kevin

(disappointed)

It's nice.

Dr. Bishop

Thank you.

Kevin

So anyway, movie?

Dr. Bishop

It was garbage.

Kevin

Wonderful. I'd like to thank Dr. Walter Bishop for taking some time away from stopping monsters and weird stuff from destroying the world.

Dr. Bishop

Do you have any more Skittles?

Kevin

No.

Dr. Bishop

I'll just go make some. Astrid!

Walter leaves.

Kevin

Well, I hope you will tune in next time when I go to the movies with Benjamin Linus once I figure out how to get to him.

Going To The Movies: Colonel Saul Tigh

Boy, was I excited when I got an invite to inhabit the dystopian lifestyle aboard the Battlestar Galactica for a few hours. Just to get away from all of my luxuries such as fresh water, a vast food selection, and hope for the future was a neat, little adventure. It's crazy that these people do this every day aboard a ship that's falling apart.

Anyway, back to happy thoughts. I was going to hang out and watch a flick with Colonel Saul Tigh! I met Colonel Tigh in the cafeteria with four fingers of whiskey in front of him probably trying to forget his Cylon-ness. Poor guy. We shook hands and made some small talk. I pulled out a DVD of A.I. figuring Tigh just needed a little tearfest to release the stress and turn that scowl upside...um...dowl? We ran into a problem though.

Colonel Tigh

What the hell is a DVD player?

Kevin

Oh, right. The future. Do you have a Blu-Ray player because that could play-

Tigh stares incredulously at Kevin. Well, as much as you could incredulously stare with one eye.

Kevin

You probably don't have that either. What do you want to do? I'm here for another 4 hours.

Colonel Tigh

I don't care what you do. I'm going to find the bottom of this glass and then fill it up again.

Kevin

Oooo, you're so dark. Can I join you?

Colonel Tigh

Suit yourself.

Tigh slides another glass over to Kevin and fills it. Kevin takes a sip.

Kevin

Sweet crap, that burns!

Colonel Tigh

You're Gods' damn right, it burns. Takes away the pain.

Kevin looks at the glass, picks it up, shrugs his shoulders, and takes a big gulp. Flashes of Kevin putting down an empty glass and Tigh filling it right back up. They toast and laugh repeateadly.

Kevin

(drunk)

Hey! Hey! I can do you!

Colonel Tigh

What'd you say?

Kevin

(drunk)

No. I didn't mean. I-I can do an impression of you. Watch.

Kevin reaches into his pocket and pulls out a device and presses it against his neck.

Kevin

(in perfect Tigh voice)

I'm Colonel Saul Tigh. Where's the old man? I don't give a frak about you or anyone else.

Tigh grabs Kevin by the neck and slams his head into the table.

Colonel Tigh

What the hell is that?!?

Kevin

(scared)

Uh...it's an electrolarynx. They give them to people who've lost their voicebox.

Tigh takes the device and looks at it. Kevin is nervous. A few excruciating seconds pass. Tigh presses the device to his neck.

Colonel Tigh

I'm me.

Kevin and Tigh break into uproarious laughter. Flash forward to them sitting at a piano together. Tigh is playing and Kevin has the device pressed into his neck. The bar patrons are hanging out.

Colonel Tigh and Kevin

(singing)

And I guess that's why they frakkin call it the blues.

Bar Patrons

(chorus-style)

Time on my hands!

Colonel Tigh and Kevin

(singing)

Could be time spent with youuuuu.

Tigh busts an ending solo and slams the last note. The bar goes crazy. Kevin stands up with device pressed to neck.

Kevin

(in perfect Tigh voice)

Thanks, everyone. We are Two Tigh Crew. You've been wonderful.

Flash forward to Tigh walking Kevin to his return Raptor.* They stop.

Kevin

I'm gonna miss you, Patches. I had a great time.

Colonel Tigh

If you're ever in the galaxy, you're always welcome on this ship.

Kevin

I appreciate that but it kinda smells in here. Next time, we should do this at my place. I could put the football game on. There's a couch. We could have pizza.

Colonel Tigh

I don't know what the frak you just said but I'm in.

Kevin

Alright, bring it in, ya crazy Cylon.

Tigh and Kevin hug with back pats for manliness. Kevin boards the raptor and the door closes.

*Special thanks to Adama for this.

Going To The Movies: Jack Bauer

It is actually harder than you would think to make a movie date with Jack Bauer. Jack was able to give me a couple of hours last Sunday because it's his "day of rest." His words. I think he's buying into replacing Chuck Norris as a butt-kickin' deity a little too much.

Anyway, we went to see "Taken." Before the movie started, I asked him if he needed to use the bathroom and he looked at me and, after a brief pause, we both broke into hysterics. I laughed until my sides hurt. He was stone-faced and made these awkward grunts that he assured me were the closest he gets to laughter. It sounded like a rhino groaning with the hiccups. It was creepy but I can't tell you what a confidence boost it was as an unknown comedian to make Jack Bauer laugh. I will have that forever.

On a side note, Jack Bauer is aware of all the "Why doesn't he go to the bathroom?" jokes and is not happy about it. He was born without a bladder. He sweats out any liquid waste he generates through his groin. Jack Bauer must have the worst case of swamp ass on the planet. It's a good thing he's on our side with that chemical warfare in his pants. He didn't laugh when I said that and I faced forward until the end of the movie.

Kevin

Is there anything you want to say before we begin the review?

Jack Bauer

The following takes place between 4:24 and-

Kevin

You keep a timeline for life, too? What are you going to tell your diary about me?

(mocking)

Dear Jack's diary, today I-

Jack Bauer stares at Kevin.

Kevin

Sorry. Now that I made you laugh, I need to do it again. It's an addiction. Let's talk about "Taken."

Jack Bauer

I thought it was fine.

Kevin

That's it?

Jack Bauer

Yeah.

Kevin

Um...What if I told you that, unless you give me a good review about the movie, the President will die at the top of the hour.

Jack Bauer grabs Kevin by the throat and pushes him into the wall.

Jack Bauer

You did something to the President. Big mistake.

Kevin

(choking)

I was just trying-

Jack Bauer

TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!

Kevin

(crying)

NOTHING! I WAS TRYING-

Jack keeps one hand on Kevin's throat. He takes out his cell phone.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Chloe, what's the status of the President?

Chloe

(on speaker)

One second, Jack.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Now, Chloe, it's important!

Chloe

(on speaker)

Easy, Jack. You're supposed to be relaxing. Doctor's orders.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

How can I relax when pissants like this can get to the President!?!

Chloe

(on speaker)

The President is fine. He is playing basketball with his friends.

Kevin

That's what I was saying. I was kid-

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Are you sure?

Chloe

(on speaker)

Yes, Jack. I will send an image to your phone.

Jack hangs up with Chloe and checks the picture of the President playing basketball.

Jack Bauer

Why would you do that?

Kevin

I figured if you thought the President was in danger, you would be a better interview.

Jack Bauer releases Kevin's throat.

Jack Bauer

I have to go.

(starts to leave)

The movie was fine but I could have gotten his daughter back in 45 minutes. Good bye, Mr. Tor and grow up.

Jack Bauer walks away.

Kevin

I will, Mr. Bauer, sir. Sorry again.

(calls after him)

You should try Chamomile tea. To relax.

(to the camera)

Well, that's it for Going to the Movies with Jack Bauer. Taken was an effective thriller and Liam Neeson was kinda bad ass. Go see it. In closing, if I'm not in holding for whatever rogue agency Jack Bauer now works for, I'll see you next time.

Going To The Movies: Dexter Morgan

With the season finale last night (don't worry, no spoilers ahead), I thought it would be time for me to get over the experience and post the experience of going to the movies with Dexter Morgan. As you will see, it was traumatic and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get through the transcripts while editing. However, I'm stronger than I thought. Dexter and I went to see Step Brothers over the summer.

Before the transcripts begin, I want to point out that Dexter drove as I didn't want to rent a car for my short duration in Miami. He picked me up at the airport and we headed to the theater. Once the movie was over, we got back in his car. He turned the car on and turned towards me claiming to need something from the back seat. I felt a prick on my neck and then everything went from clear to fuzzy to black.

I open my eyes and wait for things to come into focus. An amorphous shape moves around me. I can't move my body. I appear to be strapped down and it's very cold. Once my vision returns, I see I'm in one of Dexter's kill rooms. I'm naked and held down with saran wrap. I see nicely-framed pictures of Kramer from Seinfeld, Karen from Will and Grace, Coach Lubbock from Just the Ten of Us, and the Noxzema Girl from when she was on Earth 2. Dexter walks into view. He stares at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Kevin

Ok, just wait a second.

Dexter

Do you recognize these people?

Kevin

Yeah, they were all on TV.

Dexter

What else?

Kevin

Uh...Oh crap, I had all of those people on Going To The Movies over the years.

Dexter

That's right. But there's more. On May 8, 1998, you went to see Deep Impact with Cosmo Kramer.

Kevin

Yeah, he didn't like Morgan Freeman as President.

Dexter

Good memory. On May 12, 2006, you went to see Keeping Up With The Steins with Karen Walker.

Kevin

We both thought Jeremy Piven deserved better.

Dexter

Stop talking. On April 28, 1990, you went to see Cry Baby with Graham Lubbock and on May 27, 1995, you went to see Johnny Mnemonic with Bess Martin. Does all of that ring a bell?

Kevin

Yes. Are you going to kill me?

Dexter

About one week after you had these people on your little show, their respective shows went off the air. Is that a coincidence?

Kevin

Yes. Umm...the first two shows had already decided they were done long before we went to the movies and the last two were just not popular with the public.

Dexter stands there processing what Kevin just said.

Kevin

Are you doing the inner monologue thing? That works on TV but not so much on this blog. Actually, I think there's a button on my tape recorder for inner monologue. It's a fancy one.

Dexter goes over to the recorder, looks at it, and presses a button.

Dexter (V.O.)

-talk his way out of this. This isn't how this was supposed to go.

Kevin

Please let me go.

Dexter

So my show's not going off the air after this?

Kevin

I don't think so. I heard about a two season renewal from Showtime.

Dexter (V.O.)

Two seasons is pretty good but can I let him go? He knows about my process. What would Harry think? Killing him doesn't fit the code that dear old Dad taught me.

There is a long pause.

Dexter

How does this show work?

Kevin

Really? You're letting me go? Ok, we went to the movies and now we talk about it. What did you think of Step Brothers?

Dexter

I didn't really watch it. I spent the whole time playing out your murder in my head.

Kevin

(swallows)

So you didn't find it engaging. Ok...I felt it was a little short of the brilliance of Anchorman and Talladega Nights but I'm sure with multiple watchings on DVD, it will live up to the talent level involved. There were some very quotable lines in it. Adam Scott was hilarious.

Dexter (V.O.)

Maybe I should kill him.

(out loud)

If you say so.

Kevin

Do you want to go see it again?

Dexter

No. That's ok. I have to get back to the station.

Kevin

Ok. I want to thank Dexter Morgan for being on the show...and not killing me.

(nervous laughter)

I think we will be taking a short break before doing another Going To The Movies as I may need many, many sessions with my therapist. See you soon. Take care.

Dexter cleans up the kill room and walks away. Kevin looks down at his naked, saran-wrapped body.

Kevin

Are you going to cut me loose? This metal table is really cold. Dexter? Hello?

Going To The Movies: Izzie Stevens

Izzie Stevens agreed to get away from Seattle Grace Hospital and go to a movie with me. I flew out Friday night to meet for an afternoon matinee of Four Christmases on Saturday. Izzie continually left to get concessions but never came back with any. She also looked increasingly more unkempt with every return. In all, I would say she saw no more than 45 minutes of the movie.

Kevin

Izzie, thanks for coming out. 

Izzie

(runs fingers through hair)

Thanks for having me.

Kevin

Can I ask you where you went 10 times?

Izzie

I went for snacks.

Kevin

You never came back with snacks. Did you eat them in the lobby on your walk back?

Izzie

(smiles at something to the left)

Yeah, yeah.

Kevin

Are you listening to me?

Izzie

(turns back to me)

Of course.

Kevin

I know you didn't watch most of the movie but what did you think of what you saw?

Izzie ignores the question and laughs off to the left. Kevin stares confused.

Kevin

Izzie!

Izzie

Yeah?

Kevin

Can you ask Denny what he thought of the movie?

Izzie

What?

Kevin

Your dead, ex-lover Denny. You see him sitting next to you. You had sex with him many times during the movie in the dirty theater bathroom. Ask him about the movie.

Izzie

(lots of emotional tears out of nowhere)

How do you know about Denny?

Kevin

How are you crying so fast? Really? A dead guy? There has to be something wrong with your brain. Like seriously wrong. I'm not a doctor like you but you need a CAT scan. How have you not brought yourself in and had Dr. Shepherd look at you?

Izzie

(crying)

Well...I...it just feels really good...you know?

Kevin

I don't know. I like mingling sexually with alive and real people. Dead and/or imaginary is a deal breaker for me. But I'm sure that's true for all non-sociopaths.

Izzie

(crying and yelling)

ARE YOU CALLING ME A SOCIOPATH?!?

Kevin

If the clog fits. I can't believe I flew out for this! Let's wrap it up! Four Christmases was the usual point-the-camera-at-Vince-Vaughn-and-let-him-ramble comedy. Aside from some funny lines, it was a waste of time. I'd like to thank Izzie and Denny for being on the show.

Izzie

(crying)

I hope something bad happens to you.

Kevin

Well, if it does and I die, don't feel bad and have sex with me. I'd rather spend the afterlife doing anything else. 

Going To The Movies: Charlie Kelly, Dennis Reynolds, and Mac

I was supposed to go to the movies with Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia but things changed. When I went to Paddy's Pub to pick him up, the gang heard that I was paying and wanted in. Dee drew the short straw and had to stay and watch the bar while Dennis, Mac, and Charlie piled into my Camry.  We went to see Australia and after 200 dollars in concession purchases that I agreed to to stop the endless pleading (consisting solely of the word "dude") in the lobby, we sat down in our seats. We managed to make it halfway through before Dennis and Mac walked out to catch the end of Quantum of Solace.

Australia ended and Charlie, who was openly weeping by the end of the movie, followed me out of the theater to conduct the interview portion of the show. Dennis and Mac were waiting in the parking lot comparing biceps and, from what I overheard, determining the advantages of toned versus jacked.

Mac

It's about time. We've been waiting out here forever.

Dennis

Is this when we conduct the interview? Because I have a lot to say about that crapfest.

Mac

Totally.

Kevin

Guys, what could you possibly have to say? You walked out on-

Dennis

Hold that thought. Charlie, are you crying?

Charlie

(wiping his face)

Me? Crying? You're really funny guys.

Mac

I think he's crying.

Dennis

Yeah, he's definitely crying.

Charlie

C'mon, guys. It's allergies.

Dennis

Allergies?

Charlie

Yup. Seasonal allergies.

Dennis

Seasonal allergies. Mac, correct me if I'm wrong.

Mac

Absolutely, Dennis.

Dennis

I'm not a doctor, per se.

Mac

No you are not.

Dennis

But I don't believe there are allergies in Philly in the winter. It would be quite rare.

Mac

Very rare indeed.

Kevin

Guys, leave him alone.

Dennis

Charlie, you have someone fighting your battles now?

Charlie

No! I don't need anybody-

Mac

I'll fight him.

(gets in karate stance)

I learned some new stuff from the Bond movie.

Kevin

I'm not going to fight-

Two attractive women walk past. Mac puts his finger up to me.

Mac

Hold that thought.

Dennis and Mac walk over to the women. They engage them in conversation and continue to walk through the parking lot with them.

Kevin

Why don't we do the interview now that they're gone?

Charlie

Ok.

Kevin

I saw that the movie tugged at your heartstrings.

Charlie

What are you talking about, dude?

Kevin

The movie made you cry.

Charlie

I did not cry at the movie. It was really dusty in there! They should have someone that removes dirt and powder from the ground! What do they call that person? They use soap and brooms. Like what I do at Paddy's in the bathroom.

Kevin

A janitor?

Charlie

Whoa, I am not a janitor!

Kevin

(wipes face in exasperation)

Can we talk about the movie?

Charlie

Can we agree that I wasn't crying and that I'm not a janitor?

Kevin

Sure.

Charlie

Ok. Great. Overall, I thought the movie was good, you know? The musical numbers were not as awesome as I would have liked. I felt like the key was all off. I'm not sure the name of the key they should have used but it was different, you know, dude? Nicole Kidman would have sounded so much better if she were down another octave, right?

Kevin stares in disbelief.

Charlie

The love story was totally there, though. I bought it. Like when Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman get all up in each other's faces...and then that kiss. That was true love. 

Kevin

Wow. Charlie, that may have been the first real review we've ever had on this show. I thought the movie was epic and fantastic as well. I guess that's it for Going To The Movies. I'd like to thank Charlie for being on it. Until next time.

(beat)

You're a romantic at heart, aren't you Charlie?

Charlie

Well, there's this waitress that I've had an off and on thing with for a couple of years now. I don't want to say we're soul mates but...

Kevin

She'd be a fool not to be with you.

Charlie

Can you tell her that?

Kevin

What?

Charlie

Can we go down to the coffee shop and tell the waitress what you just said?

Kevin

Umm.

Charlie

Dammit, dude! I did your show! You said I did the best job of anyone you've had on the show! 

Kevin

I didn't say that exactly.

Charlie

It won't take long. Five minutes.

Kevin

I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Kevin heads for his car. Charlie follows close behind.

Charlie

Oh you wouldn't feel comfortable? Poor Kevin wouldn't be comfortable?!? You want to know what's not comfortable? Sharing a bed with my maybe dad every night instead of the love of my life!

Kevin

That's terrible. I'm sorry Charlie.

Charlie

So you'll do it?

Kevin

No.

Kevin gets in his car. Charlie tries to open the passenger door but it's locked. He bangs on the window.

Charlie

(through window)

What the hell, dude?

Kevin

Thanks for doing the show.

Kevin drives off as Charlie shrinks in the rear view mirror.

Going To The Movies: Chuck Bass

I went to see a private screening for the second time in a row. I guess there’s something to going to the movies with Manhattan’s elite. I was shocked when Chuck Bass accepted my invitation and jumped at the opportunity to shoot the movie poop with a socially superior teenager. We went to see Twilight, the sure-to-be hit based on the massively successful novels.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

What?

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Do you really talk that low? Hold on.

Kevin gets up and grabs a megaphone. He comes back and places it in front of Chuck. Kevin presses "ON."

Kevin

Talk.

Chuck Bass

(through megaphone)

This is ridiculous.

Kevin

Perfect. How did you like the movie?

Chuck Bass

I didn't. I thought it was a huge waste of time.

Kevin

Really? I thought it would be right up your alley. You dress like a vampire.

Chuck Bass

My scarf costs more than your life.

Kevin

And it looks adorable on you.

Chuck Bass

I'm going to leave. If you'll excuse me.

Chuck Bass stands.

Kevin

Chuck, wait. I'm sorry. I guess I just get so jealous of the lush life you lead at such a young age. Smack talking is just a defense mechanism for me. I apologize.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass sits, rolls his eyes, and leans into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass

Apology accepted. Let's get on with this. I have an appointment with my financial advisor at 4:30.

Kevin

What didn't you like about Twilight?

Chuck Bass

The idea that a vampire, or any man for that matter, would risk his life in the name of love is absurd.

Kevin

How can you be so jaded at such a young age?

Chuck Bass

I'm merely a realist. The only person who truly matters in your life is yourself. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.

Kevin

Well, I think it was believable.

Chuck Bass

That's because people like you need to have Hollywood-manufactured hope to escape their mundane, little lives.

Kevin

Ok, I'm insulted. We're good here. This show's supposed to be fun.

(mocking Gossip Girl)

Spotted: Chuck Bass being a wet blanket on comic's movie show. Looks like this comic's relief will come when Chuck walks off the set. XOXO.

(normal to camera)

I'd like to thank Chuck Bass for coming by. He hated the movie like he hates everything else. Hopefully, his dad will give him a hug one of these days and he'll come out of that hug seeing the world in brilliant Panasonic color. I found the movie to be worth the hype. Tune in next time when I go to the movies with Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia."

Going To The Movies: Jack Donaghy

When Jack Donaghy finally agreed to be on my show, I was elated. It took a rather extensive vetting process by his assistant, Jonathan, but I got through it with merely a warning.

Jack and I went to see "Quantum of Solace," the new James Bond film. We got a private screening in the Scheinhardt Wig Company's personal theater. I was pretty impressed with Mr. Donaghy's ability to procure a copy of the film being that it was Tuesday and the film did not officially come out until Friday. That state of impression lasted two minutes into the movie when the people on the screen began speaking in poorly dubbed German with no subtitles. 

Kevin

I don't know what we're going to talk about but let's begin.

Jack Donaghy

I really don't know why you're upset.

Kevin

The movie was in German and there were no subtitles!

Jack Donaghy

I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice. Germans would not appreciate you shouting in regards to their beautiful language.

Kevin

You speak German?

Jack Donaghy

Of course I do. I'm not a plebeian. Or plebejer.

Kevin

So you understood the movie.

Jack Donaghy

Well, I understood the words they were saying but as for the movie, it made no sense from a business perspective. Kevin, how many products do you think there should be in a 106 minute movie? Ballpark.

Kevin

What do you mean?

Jack Donaghy

Product placment. Like the coke at the party or the Ford-

(shudders)

that the Russian girl drove. How many do you think there should be in 106 minutes?

Kevin

(exasperated)

I don't know. Ten?

Jack Donaghy

What? No. 18997.

Kevin

(not interested anymore)

Wow.

Jack Donaghy and Kevin sit awkwardly across from each other for a few moments. Jack is staring Kevin down.

Kevin

You want me to ask you how you came up with that number.

Jack Donaghy

Yes I do. It's a very impressive formula.

Kevin

Fine. Jack, how did you come up with-what was the number?

Jack Donaghy

18997.

Kevin

Right. How did you come up with 18997?

Jack Donaghy

I'm glad you asked. The movie is 106 minutes as we stated earlier. According to a study at Simon Fraser University, home of the fighting Clan, the average human attention span is 8 seconds. That breaks down to exactly 795 attention spans in the movie.

Kevin

I don't think that's how it-

Jack Donaghy

You take that number and multiply it times the combined total of the number of non-duplicated breasts, 32, and the number of abs James Bond has, 8. So 40 times 795 which is 31800.

Kevin

Wait, how does Bond have 8 abs?

Jack Donaghy

The two muscular bulges on his chest are not pecs. They are two more ab muscles that, through the use of a customized undergarment, are repositioned on the body so as not to make him look like a freak. We actually sell a Greenzo-themed version in the NBS store.

Kevin

I'll check that out. Are we done?

Jack Donaghy

Almost, we forgot the Dame Judy Dench factor or the DJD. The DJD is a number representing the inverse hotness of the acclaimed actress, how much she detracts from the overall sexiness of the film. The current market has the DJD at 1.674. You divide that into our previous number, round up, and that's how you get 18997.

Kevin

Fascinating.

Jack Donaghy

Yes it is.

Kevin looks at his bare wrist.

Kevin

Oh, look at the time. That's it for our show. My thoughts on Quantum of Solace will have to wait. For what it's worth, it looked good. I want to thank Jack Donaghy for being here and, I guess, educating us.

Jack Donaghy

My pleasure.

Kevin

Right. See you next time on Going to the Movies.

Going To The Movies: Dr. Gregory House

I went to see Role Models with Dr. House over the weekend. Well, I accompanied him to the movie so that he could watch another doctor (Dr. Wilson?) go on a date. We sat a few rows back of that couple and House barely paid attention to the movie. Also, he told me to keep it down when I laughed and sent me for concessions multiple times.

Though House refused to come down to the studio to discuss the film, he did agree to let me interview him at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He sits across from me with his feet up on the desk repeatedly tossing a red and grey tennis ball up in the air.

Kevin

So, Dr. House, what did you think of the movie?

Dr. House

She was not his type.

Kevin

Are you talking about Elizabeth Banks' character with Paul Rudd?

Dr. House

Hmm? No, Wilson.

Kevin

The doctor we spied on at the-

Dr. House

It wasn't spying. It was research.

Kevin

That's great, Dr. House but I'd really like to continue with this interview.

Dr. House

Fine.

(yells out into hallway)

Kutner!

A younger doctor walks in. He looks like the guy from Harold and Kumar. Frighteningly similar.

Dr. House

Finish my interview.

Dr. Kutner

Is this for a journal?

Dr. House

Sure.

Dr. House gets up, grabs his cane, and leaves. 

Kevin

Uh, Dr. House?

Dr. Kutner

So who are you with? AMA? NEJM?

Kevin

Tor's Take. I take random people to the movies and we discuss them. Excuse me.

I get up and leave Dr. Kutner confused in House's office. I spend a good amount of time tracking down House. Two hours later, I find him watching a soap opera in the coma ward. I had to steal a doctor's uniform to gain access.

Dr. House

(sarcastically)

Hey, you're not a doctor.

Kevin

Are you really going through all of this to avoid the interview? Why did you agree to go to the movies with me?

Dr. House

Free popcorn and Goobers. Look, Keith-

Kevin

It's Kevin.

Dr. House

I'm surprised I was that close. You're a comedian, right? You should give it up. On a good day, five people read your website. You put all that effort in and what do you get? Nothing. You seem somewhat intelligent based on the fact that you got access to the coma ward. You could probably-

Kevin

Are you serious?!? I spend-

Dr. House

Stop it.

Kevin

I will not stop-

Dr. House

Does your eye always twitch like that when you get angry? Are your index fingers angled at the knuckle?

Dr. House gets up and approaches me and looks at my hands. He looks pensive.

Dr. House

Crap.

Kevin

What is it?

Dr. House

I don't know but you're about to pass out.

Dr. House grabs my arm and everything goes black. When I come to, I'm in a bed. It's my bed in my house. There is a video message on my phone. I hit play and Dr. House appears on the screen.

Dr. House

Sorry about that Keith but I didn't have time to keep playing games with you. Wilson was going on another date and I had to leave. You can write that I thought the movie sucked. The idea that helping others will make you a better person is a bunch of Hollywood hooey, contrarily evidenced by myself. Thanks for having me on your show. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds. I'm not kidding.

I throw the phone away from me. It hits the ground and tumbles.

Dr. House

Kidding again. You should use that in one of your skits. That is if you don't quit comedy like you should.

The message ended. I go to my computer and fire up the web cam.

Kevin

I liked the movie Role Models. I thought it was consistently funny and Paul Rudd was hilarious as always. I'd like to acknowledge (but not thank) Dr. House for being my guest. I hope he also returned my car and not just my unconscious body. See you next time on Going To The Movies when my guest will be Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock. That should be fun.

Going To The Movies: Hiro Nakamura

I took Heroes' Hiro Nakamura to see Max Payne with me. I've been meaning to go to the movies with him for a while but he's been too busy sucking the life out of his TV show to make it. Finally, the timing worked out.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Hiro

Thank you for having me.

Kevin's chair falls. He gets up off the ground and sees the chair only has three legs. Someone brings a new chair.

Kevin

What the hell?

Hiro

"Sucking the life out of his TV show."

Kevin

Excuse me?

Hiro

I read the transcript of this show.

Kevin

You went forward in time just to read how this conversation was going to go and then you froze time to saw the leg off of my chair? 

Hiro smiles and nods.

Kevin

You really are a waste of superpowers.

Kevin is all of a sudden naked.

Kevin

And now you've undressed me. This is real mature.

(crosses legs)

We should talk about the movie. How did you feel about it?

Hiro

A hero does not act like that. A hero is not reckless.

Kevin

Yeah, but with your back against the wall and nothing to lose, don't you do whatever it takes to remove evil?

Hiro

A hero must be mentally strong and maintain honor. The forces of evil want you to be aggressive and not think properly. It is a hero's duty to resist the temptation to-

Kevin

(yawns loudly)

Sweet crap, you're more boring in person than on screen.

(losing patience)

Did you like the movie? Yes or no.

Hiro

The purpose of-

Kevin

(angrier)

Yes or no.

Hiro

No.

Kevin

Fine. To recap, I liked it. Hiro didn't. I want to thank Hiro Nakamura for being on the show. I wish him luck saving the world as dully as possible.

A lion roars from off camera.

Kevin

(incredulous)

You put a lion on the set.

Hiro

(smiling)

And he's hungry.

Hiro disappears from his seat. The roar gets louder.

Kevin

(frozen in place)

I hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies. Someone call animal control.

Going To The Movies: Dwight Schrute

Last night, I had the (let's go with) pleasure of going to the movies with Dwight Schrute of The Office fame. Actually, we didn't go to the movies. We attempted to see a sneak preview of Changeling.

Kevin

Dwight, thanks for being on the show.

Dwight Schrute

Thank you for having me.

Kevin

I guess we should talk about why you dragged me out of the theater halfway through the movie, brought me to the barn at your beet farm, and made me watch your cousin Mose perform your interpretation of what the movie should have been.

Dwight Schrute

I don't know what Clint Eastwood was thinking but his movie was not realistic.

Kevin

It's based on true events.

Dwight Schrute

I doubt it. That replacement boy was not the child of an elf, a fairy, or a troll.

Kevin

What?

Dwight Schrute

A changeling is the offspring of a fairy, troll, elf, or other legendary creature that has been secretly left in the place of a human child.

Kevin

Did you get that off Wikipedia?

Dwight Schrute

I made the entry.

Kevin

So Mose was playing one of those changelings.

Dwight Schrute

No. Were you even paying attention?

Kevin

Apparently not.

Dwight Schrute

Mose was a shapeshifter from the planet Ogdorp Six. He vaporized each person that got in his way with his Guante del Muerte and then assumed their form until everyone on Earth was eliminated.

Kevin

I did not get that at all. All I saw was Mose running around in a large dress for most of the four and half hours.

Dwight Schrute

He likes to incorporate mother's dress into most of his performances. It's a Mose signature.

 

Kevin

I'll keep an eye out for that.

Dwight Schrute

You should see his Mystic River. Pedophiles don't stand a chance against an omnipotent and vengeful body of water.

Kevin

I'm sure they don't.

(beat)

Well, that's our time. As usual, the movie discussion was light. From what I saw, Angelina Jolie was really good but I'll have to go back to the movies to see how it ended. Thanks to Dwight Schrute and Mose for an enlightening experience. Would you like to add anything, Dwight?

Dwight Schrute

Come out to Schrute Farms. Bring your family for a day of beet-related agrotourism fun. If you've never been to a beet farm in the fall, you are missing out. You can eat them right out of the ground. Mention this show and get four percent off your stay.

Kevin

Sounds great. Tune in next time. We don't have a guest booked yet and I can sort of understand why.