Tor Baby Countup: Day 1

For those who don't know, my daughter was born on May 23rd, negating our planned trip to see MacGruber. I did not get to finish the Tor Baby Countdown but that doesn't mean I can't start a countup. Unfortunately, how often this will happen will be on the baby as she takes up all of my time. I can't believe how hard it is to sit down at a computer and try to write a blog when you are taking care of a newborn. We're having an off switch installed on her back next week so that might help.

This is why we're going with the back. The face is too prominent. Europe, am I right?

Here's the story of her birth:

It was the 3 in the morning on the Sunday of the Lost series finale. I was dreaming of Kate, Claire, and Hurley running in slow motion on the beach like the vikings in the Capital One commercials.

What's in my wallet? Not a ticket stub for MacGruber.

The elders say that when a woman's water breaks, it is a gush of water. Well, based on the number of towels on the floor in our bathroom, it was an intern with a megaphone away from being on the Universal Studios tour.

"If you look to your left, you can invade Kevin's wife's privacy."

The doctor told my wife to shower and head on in as the contractions would be starting soon. You definitely want to be fresh and clean before stuff starts coming out of every orifice in your body. The contractions did start soon and they progressed fast. Within 45 minutes, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I was flying up the Garden State Parkway as my wife was screaming next to me. I ran two red lights. The second of which took a picture of us. I'd like to see that snap shot: My white-knuckled hands around the steering wheel with my fear-filled eyes staring blankly ahead while my wife yells in agony with her hands on her pregnant belly. That should be a keeper down at the station.

"Segway13, what's your 20? We have a great photo you just have to see."

I parked in the fire zone in front of the hospital. I put my car in flames just to make sure it didn't get towed. We headed to admitting and things really started to pick up speed. What I remember about the next hour is about ten doctors and nurses prodding my wife, the baby's heartbeat going down with each contraction because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and lots of screaming. I just couldn't keep it in. Births and roller coasters. Those are my scream times.

About that cord wrapping. My daughter was apparently into amniotic asphyxiation. It certainly didn't come from my wife and me. I don't know where she learned it but I assure you, it stops right now. I'm putting my foot down. She's not allowed to hang out in that womb anymore.

Perv

It's hard to pick out the funny in times such as these but there was one thing. They took my wife for an emergency c-section and had not given her the epidural because of the issue with the baby. As they wheeled her out of the room with time running down, the anesthesiologist said, "Just give me one shot at her back, I'll get it done." When did Jack Bauer show up in my wife's ER? Is there room for this kind of bad-assery in modern medicine?

"Damn it, Chloe! Get me that IV bag!"

By the time I got the scrubs on and got into the operating room, my daughter was born, three hours and nineteen minutes after the water breaking. So with my wife behind the curtain on the table and me arriving late, we didn't see her come out. We're hoping that in the coming weeks, she'll do things to let us know the surgeons didn't pull a fast one. Until then, please enjoy Cassidy Lorelai Tor.

She has my eyes.

Tor Baby Countdown: 70 Days

Every Tuesday, my wife and I log on to Baby Center to find out what size our daughter is in relation to a fruit or vegetable (except for that weird jumbo shrimp week). It is a very exciting time. This week's vegetable is a "good-size" cabbage. We are at the point where my wife winces at the reveal. She doesn't want a "good-size" anything.

Here's the thing - there's not enough room in a human woman to put a baby. Sure a woman can gain a whole bunch of weight but she can't gain a new spot on her body. It's not like putting an addition on a home. So the organs have to go somewhere. The stomach goes at the base of the throat. The liver goes behind the lung. And the gall bladder goes to Florida because it's been cold and rainy.

The baby keeps growing through all of this internal reorganization so those organs never get to really settle. On top of that, the baby is a huge jerk and punches and kicks for room like an unreasonable bedmate. My wife is walking around while the baby punches her in the heart as it screams "THIS IS WHERE THE LOVE COMES FROM!" in soundless baby mouth movements. There is no gratitude. "Just keep sending stuff through that cord if you know what's good for you, lady." And my wife does know what's good for her.

Women have been having babies for tens of years based on statistics generated from observing the people I frequent life with. You would think women would have adapted by now. (Yes, I'm still watching Life.) Now I'm just spitballing here but what about a more skeletal womb, something made of a strong metal? It would basically be a steel hamster ball. The baby's hands can't handle punching that for very long. After the first few babies come out with deformed hand nubs, the word would get around to the other steel wombs. Problem solved.*

Alternative Approach: We have a friend who is also pregnant and a couple of weeks ahead of us. She has gained about 1/4 of the weight my wife has. I have not seen her but the baby must look like it's vacuum-sealed into her belly. This is another great way to limit the baby's movements and to also save you money on those expensive 3-D ultrasounds. Something to think about.

Picture him much younger and with less clothes. Also, yeah, people do this.

*Getting the steel hamster ball out would require a C-Section but they were probably going to do that anyway. C-Sections are the new bloodletting.