Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Tor Baby Countdown: 48 Days

This is going to be a blog entry that's been done to death for expecting parents but hopefully I'll be able to put my own spin on it. Some of that Tor differentness that separates me from the successful people. So let's see "How to deal with your baby coming and a dog that just tore his ACL."

Our dog (Boy Jerkface) tore his ACL over a week ago. The recovery for this injury is about 8 weeks. No need to get your calculators out, the baby will come before then. This is just poor timing by the dog. He did this to get attention, worried that the new member of the family is going to occupy all of our time. So he snaps his ACL. Selfish.

When I tell people this, they ask me if he was playing basketball and that makes me laugh. He's quite overweight. He would be picked last in any gym class in America.

His jersey number is K9. Hilarious.

There is a lot of work ahead of my wife and I on this. Lots of carrying to minimize walking and stair climbing. Pain medication. Keeping him from biting his stitches. Easing him back to normal. And, at any point, our daughter may fall out of my wife. However, like always, I will look on the bright side and show how this can be a blessing.

Boy Jerkface weighs 44 pounds. If my wife is lucky, that will be no less than 5 times the amount our daughter will weigh. Carrying the dog up and down the stairs and for the last third of every walk will prepare me for holding my daughter in the long run. It's training! Thanks dog!

Maybe I have nothing to complain about.

Also, the dog can't jump into the crib in the middle of the night and take the baby far away. We'd be able to catch the gimpy babynapper no problem!

The dog will have to wear the protective cone collar. We can decorate the collar to look like petals around the dog's face. Then the dog won't clash with the nursery. Arts and crafts fun!

We can have a race to see who walks first. If our daughter wins, she'll be studied by doctors and scientists for years to come!

The surgery is next week and the baby is due about 5 weeks later. This is going to be close. I've faxed the agenda to my wife's womb but I haven't heard back. Fingers crossed.

Tiger Woods Ad - Doggy Style

Just fooling around with my new Flip camera. Tiger Woods messed up and this is probably what people see when they look at him. I do think my dog is more adorable. Good staring, Penny.

Tor Baby Countdown: 60 Days

We have two dogs, more famously known as "The Siblings Jerkface." Babies and dogs are a curious combination. My wife and I stare at the dogs and any slight change in their behavior causes us to wonder if they know there's a baby coming. "Boy Jerkface is sleeping in a new spot. Does that mean he hates the baby already?"

Those are "hate eyes"

Their previous owners had kids so they've been around babies. In fact, friends have been over with their kids and the dogs have wanted nothing to do with them. One baby was left in the carrier on the floor and got little more than a sniff. These dogs could care less about babies.

Or so we thought. Another baby was over recently. (You may remember him as my future son-in-law, the pilot.) Girl Jerkface would not stop licking him. It was like he was covered in syrup and not drool, dust, and urine. It was just the kind of curveball to keep my wife and I off-balance.

"You can't watch the baby forever"

Look, I don't want a dog to lick our baby. Sure they are kisses but that's a tongue that's just been "kissing" dog parts that I don't want to specify. Why don't we rub our baby on the dog's crotch and cut out the middle man? (Ok, so I specified.)

How do you stop a dog from licking a baby? Do you constantly yell NO? Do you dunk the baby in bitters? Do you train the baby to withstand electrical impulses like a clownfish in an anemone so you can electrify the baby? Fact: Dogs leave babies that electrocute them alone.

Electric Baby (According to Google Search)

On the other hand, what if Girl Jerkface doesn't want to lick our baby? Does that mean she hates our daughter? How mad will the pediatrician get when he finds peanut butter in our daughter's ear? I have so many questions.