Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Tor Baby Countdown: 13 Days

We went to the baby doctor today for what could end up being the last time. We may be ahead of schedule. Last week, my wife was at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. To be technical, the doctor described her as a "tight 2."

Let me point something out for those who don't know. The doctor determines the number of centimeters by how many fingers he can fit in there. A tight 2? Did he go to medical school in a boys' high school locker room? Is my wife also a good candidate for a noogie?

Nurse, pass me a twisted towel and let's roll the patient over so I can get at her buttocks.

This time, the doctor said that my wife was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. So there has been progress since last week which means the baby is coming sooner rather than later. It's time to put the hospital bag in the car. After all of that torture putting it together, it would suck to forget it at home. Then the hospital bag will have to protect itself from Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci using swinging paint cans.

"It's a hospital bag. Hospital bags are stupid."

Let's hope there's a blog tomorrow. There's still too much to do. (Like watching the finale of Lost.) Little Lady Tor needs to cooperate.

Tor Baby - Episode 1 (Lost Parody)

This is my homage to Lost and all the show has given us. As many of you know, my daughter will be born soon. The Lost series finale is also coming soon. I need her to hold off.

In Episode 1, I find out about the pregnancy and search this mysterious nursery.

Things That Better Not Happen On Lost

This may need a Spoiler Alert as it will probably hit things that have happened. How can it not?

• The smoke monster approaches the temple to complete its mission. As Jack and the others prepare for the worst, Deep Purple emerges to rock the island's socks off.
• John Locke, sitting in front of the computer, gets a command from a higher force that he has to "murder all." Not sure what that means, he types it into Google which suggests "murderball" instead. Locke falls in love with quad rugby and never fulfills his destiny.
• Sawyer takes over for Mystery in a redo of VH1's The Pickup Artist where he replaces the concept of peacocking with drawltagging in which the predator subdues his prey with a fine Southern accent and adorable nicknaming.
• A final flash happens on the island bringing Sun and Jin face to face. Unfortunately, the flash blinded both of them resulting in Sun and Jin never seeing each other again.
• The Dharma shark beaches himself because no one paid him enough attention.
• Richard becomes a spokesman for Cover Girl's new product, Mysterious Eyeland Liner.
• Jack outlasts everyone else on the island in the season finale. As he yells "Why?" to the sky, balloons fall and musical fanfare plays as Jeff Probst congratulates him.
• Walt reappears on the island. Unfortunately, he looks 57 but he's trying to play the 13 he's supposed to be.
• The polar bear corners Hurley in the woods. Hurley closes his eyes to await his doom. Time ticks. He slowly opens his eyes to see the polar bear standing before him offering him a Coke.
• Ben falls down and breaks his jaw. He is not bothered so much by the pain but by the fact that his wired-shut jaw won't allow him to display his open-mouthed emotions.
• Bernard comes down with the wrong kind of jungle fever. Paralysis follows and ultimately death.
• Sayid encounters a bomb and has to defuse it. The majority of the episode focuses on Juliette Binoche praying for his safety as she tends to Ralph Fiennes.
• Kate eludes Edward Mars in every universe. In one universe, Edward chases Kate into a room with no way out. Kate paints a door on the wall and uses it. Edward runs at the door but smashes into the wall.

Going To The Movies: Benjamin Linus

It took many weeks for Eloise Hawking to find me a flight that would get me to the Island. I don't know why Ben couldn't take a sub to meet me in New Jersey. I know Locke blew up their sub but they don't have a backup sub? They seem to have everything at their fingertips but a second sub? No, that's crazy. It's much easier for me to be in a FREAKIN' PLANE CRASH to get to Ben Linus.

I'm sorry. It was just a miserable experience. I woke up hanging from a tree, a stolen copy of "The Invention of Lying" dangling three branches over. I'll spare you the shimmying and the stretching but I got down with a minimal amount of head bumps. (My phrenologist is going to have a field day.)

Ben had set up the video monitors in The Pearl station to display the film together. Ben was dressed better than his picture. He greeted me warmly and apologized for the inconveniences I had in my travels. I punched him in the face. It made me feel better and he didn't retaliate. He merely said he got that a lot. We sat down and watched the movie, finishing off two bags of 30 year-old Dharma popcorn.

Kevin

So, Ben, let's get this over with so I can get back home. What did you think of the movie?

Ben Linus

I'm sorry, Kevin. You can't go home.

Kevin

Excuse me?

Ben Linus

The Island has been going through some depression and we were hoping you could cheer it up with your...comedy.

Kevin

You want me to tell jokes to a land mass?

Ben Linus

In a sense...yes.

Kevin

I'm going home. I'm going to build a raft and head on a bearing of 305 degrees. Bye, Ben.

Ben Linus

I can't let you do that.

Kevin stands up. Ben pulls out a gun and points it in Kevin's direction.

Ben Linus

Have a seat. I want to show you something.

Kevin sits down. Ben pulls out a video tape and puts it in to a VCR. Dr. Pierre Chang appears on the screen.

Dr. Chang

Hello and welcome to the Dharma Initiative. This is Station 5, The Pearl. I cannot express what an honor it is to have you, Mr. Carlin.

Kevin

Carlin?

Ben pauses the video.

Ben Linus

It was the 70s. We also have a tape for Richard Pryor but I figured George Carlin was closer to you.

Kevin

Because I'm white?

Ben Linus

No, because I think currently, you are just as funny as he is.

Kevin

But he's dead now.

Ben Linus

Exactly. Funny, right? You can use that in your act.

Kevin

That was disrespecful. Look, you can't be serious.

Ben Linus

Oh, I'm dead serious, Jack.

Kevin

You mean Kevin.

Ben Linus

Sorry, I'm so used to saying that to Jack. Shall we continue?

Ben hits "play" on the VCR.

Dr. Chang

Mr. Carlin, we have chosen you for your ability to observe and comment humorously on what you see. The Pearl Station is the perfect place to do that with cameras monitoring all points of the island. Just write down anything that strikes you in the notebooks provided and, at the end of the day, send them in the tubes where they will be transfered to the appropriate personal. Thank you again, Mr. Carlin, and welcome to the Dharma Initiative.

Kevin

I know where the tubes go. There's an open field where the notebooks are piled with no one reading them.

Ben Linus

Not true. The Island reads them.

(beat)

Well, if that's all, I'll let you get started.

Kevin

I'm not staying here!

Ben hits Kevin in the back of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him unconscious.

And that's how I came to be on this island. I don't know how long it will be until I get to do another Going to the Movies. I don't know how long it will be until I see my wife again. Ben promised me I would only be here for six months but isn't that what he told Juliet, too? I want to thank Jacob for helping me get this blog out. As for The Invention of Lying, it was very funny and very original. I recommend seeing it. Maybe someone can take my wife to see it. I know she would like that. Until next time, whenever that is. I love you, honey.

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 2) Part 1

My title needs more numbers, I think. Anyway. I am going to blog this while I watch the show on my DVR. It makes it easier to remember everything I want to say about each person and avoids me forgetting all that comedy gold I come up with during playback.

Jasmine Murray - "Love Song" - She picked a cool song. I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan. Her problem is she didn't sing the song fast enough. The thing with uptempo songs is that there is really no room for interpretation unless you change the arrangement. She tried for interpretation without rearrangement and that's why she failed.

Matt Giraud - "Viva La Vida" - He sang an awesome "Georgia On My Mind" during Hollywood Week. He made a large mistake trying to bring a soulful feel to a Coldplay song. The problem is that Chris Martin has no soul so it can't be done. If he would have succeeded, it would have been like Cindy Loo Who getting the Grinch's heart the grow three sizes. Sorry, Matt. Maybe you'll get one of the wild cards.

Jeanine Vailes - "This Love" - I was distracted by her changing all the female pronouns to male pronouns. Just lesbian it up for normalcy. Unfortunately, she made Adam Levine seem like he should be in the pantheon with Mariah and Whitney. So that's good for Adam Levine.

Nick Mitchell - "And I'm Telling I'm You" - Something might be wrong with me because I enjoyed this. Since he will be singing this every week (he sang it at Hollywood Week), I'm sure it will bother me by Week Six but tonight, it was fun. Please don't vote for him.

Allison Iraheta - "Alone" - Heart is usually a terrible pick. Not this time. She was awesome. Finally! Because this show was awful until now. However, I agree with Simon that she has a rough personality. She put off a Joaquin-Phoenix-on-Letterman vibe with Ryan before singing.

Kris Allen - "Man In The Mirror" - It started out not so great but it ended really strong. I was sitting here when he started singing thinking ugh but then he hit a note and it made me look up from my laptop. I even deleted the first sentence I wrote. Not bad. Will it get a spot? I don't think so.

Megan Corkrey - "Put Your Records On" - This girl knows how to enunciate. Wow. She must have gone to a Catholic school and gotten smacked if she ignored one letter in any word. She also wiggles nicely.

Matt Breitzke - "If You Could Only See" - This was boring. He seems like a nice guy but there are better guys than him, singing-wise. At least when this is over, he can remove one of his eyes and have a life feasting on Odysseus' crew.

Jesse Langseth - "Bette Davis Eyes" - It's pretty good. It was safe but what do you expect? She just died in Daniel Faraday's arms from temporal displacement a couple of weeks ago. It's good to have her back.

Kai Kalama - "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted" - It was nice to listen to. He's got the hair of Sideshow Bob's brother, Cecil, so that's cool. He won't be back.

Mishavonna Henson - "Drops of Jupiter" - It sounded really good but the judges thought she looked too serious. I went back to watch it because I was too busy searching for the spelling of Cecil to look up the first time. She did look serious. Like angry that no one was answering her questions. Yes, Mishavonna, the wind swept me off my feet. Oh God, just don't hurt me.

Adam Lambert - "Satisfaction" - The dude can sing, in most cases not like a dude but he can sing. I think he overdid it but he's working the theater out of himself so that he can then put the theater back in himself after the competition. (Cause he'll be on Broadway with most of the other American Idol finalists from times past.) He'll be fine.

I think the Top 3 will be Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, and Megan Corkrey. Matt Giraud will hopefully get a Wild Card.