Tor Baby Countdown: 14 Days

It's one of our last New Produce Tuesdays. The baby is the length of a leek! LEEEK! A leek is a vegetable that is related to the onion which makes sense as the baby will also create smells that lead to tears. I do have one question for Baby Center, though. Where's the watermelon? It better be next week. I've been looking forward to a watermelon for 38 weeks now. Bring the watermelon!

Today is my wife's first day home from work. We went to the movies and saw Iron Man 2. We have plans for 2 more movies this week as we've been told we will never go to the movies again. I have calls out to the studios to put The A-Team, Toy Story 3, Twilight: Eclipse, Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim in theaters this weekend. I have not heard back but I am certain they will gladly accommodate a moderate YouTube star such as myself.

"Let's go somewhere else"

We have also started a Facebook pool for the baby's birth date and weight. One person picked this Saturday which is our wedding anniversary. I don't want that as an anniversary present. Some people will say it will make it easy to remember my anniversary. I'm not a husband in a sitcom. I remember my anniversary because I love my wife. Also, I want to make sure I see MacGruber.

THAT'S an anniversary present.

Tor Baby Countdown: 21 Days

This past weekend was Mother's Day and my wife got presents from people in my family. While it's nice that my family accepts her and buys her things, this was misguided. Where's the baby? Is the baby still inside my wife? Yes! Therefore, she should not get anything. She is not a mother yet.

According to Article 4 Section 3 of the Hallmark Holiday Handbook:

Any woman who is gestationally compromised cannot be considered a "mother" on the Second Sunday of May unless the current womb inhabitant is not the first offspring of the woman. Any presents or cards offered to such a woman must be burned in the middle of the restaurant (or other celebratory location) immediately.

Subsection Junior - This goes for men too.

Regardless, it was a nice day and my wife got to burn some nice stuff.

A lot of first-time pregnancies at this eatery.

Well, it's Tuesday and you know what that means, blog readers - new fruit or vegetable! We have a good melon streak going. According to Baby Center, our little girl is now the size of a stalk of Swiss chard. Why just looking at my baby's size makes me want to throw up. Is there a grosser anything in the world? No. There isn't. It looks like a fifth grade project where you have to make a vegetable (lettuce) look like an animal (fish) to satisfy some weird "We're all living things" challenge by a sadistic science teacher.

Your neutrality does not help matters, chard!

The baby is now considered "full term" which means if it was born today (God forbid that miracle), the baby would be fine and not need to be put in the incubator (or Baby Bake Oven). Now that the baby is full term, my wife an I can start putting together the hospital bag. That's what we've been waiting for.

Look, our pile has gotten bigger which means we are more ready to go to the hospital than we were last time I talked about this. I actually think we have everything we need in the pile now. We just have to bag it so no need to ask about the hospital bag anymore. This blog is done talking about it.

Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don't know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it's Tuesday and that means "New Fruit Day." Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact - The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman's game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby's head upon world entry.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don't scream "father material." I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, "That guy can impregnate someone." I just don't put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I'm goofy. Also, previous to now, I've never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don't do a search for "fertile vibe."

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I've Accomplished list. It's right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don't know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can't wait. Though I will for the baby's medical well-being. See? I'm a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn't have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.

Tor Baby Countdown: 34 Days

Two weeks ago, Baby Center told us it was time to pack a hospital bag. I wrote about it. My wife and I made plans each of the last two weekends to pack that hospital bag. There is still no hospital bag. What's the hold up?

Reason 1 - What's the point in packing a bag? My wife is going to be in a gown the whole time and the hospital provides slipper socks. I don't need a change of clothes because I want to look haggard and defeated by the time I leave. If I look refreshed, people are going to think I'm vain and care more about my appearance than my wife's well-being. They'll think, "Did he spend the whole time at the spa while his wife suffered in the room?" I can't live with that minute possibility.

"That's great, honey. Keep pushing. I'll be there soon."

Reason 2 - We're not ready to be ready for a baby. Packing that bag shows acceptance of leaving the non-parenthood portion of our lives. (Way more than conception did.) This is the first time you aren't packing a bag to go on a nice vacation. You are going to take care of someone for the rest of you life. How do you pack for decades of worry? 6 handkerchiefs and a Costco size box of Tums? Not ready to process that pack job.

Do you have these in chalkier?

Reason 3 - We have sour candy, clothes, slippers, toiletries, receiving blankets, and other baby stuff. So we have the innards for such a bag. The problem is that we actually don't have the bag. We can't pack what we don't have. That's called logic. Suck it, Baby Center.

Reason 4 - We forgot. I swear I told my wife on Thursday of last week that we were going to pack a bag. Then Tuesday comes around and I never thought about the bag at any point in between. Look, I got a lot of stuff going on. I have to write jokes on Twitter. I have to walk and feed the Siblings Jerkface. I have to watch movies that I've already seen. I don't see how baby fits into any of that. If you want to hire a life organizer for me to squeeze an extra hour into my day, go right ahead.

Ok, I put "hospital bag" in my Google Calendar. Now how do I remember to look at it?

I'm almost positive my wife and I will pack a hospital bag this weekend. We pretty much have to. That baby is going to come bag or not. I asked our doctor. Tune in for the "27 Days" blog and see if we come through on this.

Tor Baby Countdown: 35 Days

It's Tuesday and time for another installment of "What Kind of Produce Is Killing My Wife From the Inside Out?" We are at 35 weeks now and Baby Center says the baby is the size of a honeydew melon. It appears we will be going melon from now on. The honeydew is the green melon. This is the one that is the most left over on any party's fruit plate. For the record, I want our baby.

This week Baby Center featured quotes from mothers about things they didn't expect during the birth. Here are some of my favorites:

"Labor wasn't as bad as it was cracked up to be. I heard so many horror stories, but contractions were very manageable for me. I had a higher pain tolerance level than I thought."

Well lah-di-dah, Miss Fancy Maternity Pants. I wonder if there is something wrong with her nervous system. It could be a bad sign. Maybe she's developing CIPA. That will certainly help her when she's murdered by every other mother in the world for saying this.

"I loved every minute of labor. I only pushed for 20 minutes. It was great and I felt so accomplished. My husband and I have actually bumped up our goal of having three children to five."

Why not make it fifty kids? Why stop the fun at 5 if labor is so great? This quote actually went on but I cut it off before she got to the part about the baby talking to her during the crowning, the unicorn doctor that delivered it, and when the hospital floated up into outer space so she could hold her baby and overlook Saturn's rings at the same time.

"Yes, I pooped on the table...twice!"

You find out about the mom pooping during childbirth early on in the pregnancy. You are ready for it. What makes this interesting is the excitement involved. The exclamation point brings about a sense of pride, even boastfulness. Well, you know what? You did it, New Mom!

Here's your button, ya big pooper!

"My boss was the only one available to help me deliver and she held my legs while I pushed. Awkward! She is so sweet, but there are just some things I don't want my boss to know about me."

Wow. Think about this one when you think childbirth couldn't get any worse. How do you ever stand up to or ask anything from your boss ever again? "I can't stay late tonight." "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. I was too busy remembering helping your baby come out of you." This gives me nightmares and it's not an actual possible moment in my life.

Only "Boss" allowed in the delivery room?

"After I labored for two hours, our little guy made his grand entrance, weighing 11 pounds, 3 ounces! The doctor estimated he would be around 8 1/2 pounds, so we were all a bit shocked. The doctor said I was his largest natural delivery ever."

We're pretty convinced this will be us. "Gigan" Tor should tip the scales at a shade under 40 pounds. My wife has a belly that looks fake. It is so shiny and round, it could have been done by any makeup department on a Hollywood set. We have five weeks to go and this baby's head starts at my wife's crotch and the feet are by the shoulders. I fear for the future.

I can never thank my wife enough for what she's going through. I can joke and joke about it but I'm amazed and the amazement will only continue to grow. This is too much to ask someone to go through unless you are one of those first two mothers. Then you can ask them to do it hundreds of times.

I will leave you with two more quotes that I can't even comment on because they are too disgusting. It's not for the squeamish. Read on at your own peril. For blog entry purposes, we are officially done here for today.

"The one thing I told my daughter while on the inside is, you better not poop in me, and she did!"

"When my husband went to cut the cord, the cord blood sprayed me in the face! The baby was sliding off my chest and as the doctor grabbed for the baby the cord ended up angled toward my face. After a very quick delivery, it made for a good story."

I warned you.

Tor Baby Countdown: 42 Days

It's Tuesday and Baby Center has given us a new fruit. The baby is a cantaloupe this week. Last week, the baby was a pineapple. It's odd that the baby would shrink from one week to the next but who am I to question nature? Maybe babies are like balloons and Week 33 is the week the mother's body takes a break from "inflation" so the baby shrinks. It makes sense. Can I patent the Tor Balloon Baby Theory?

At the childbirth class, they showed us two videos. The first one was the one I talked about yesterday with the coconut imagery. It featured a handful of women going through natural childbirth. The second video was women who elected to have an epidural. The difference between the women in each video was like night and a day that starts with breakfast in bed followed by winning the lottery, having a monument named after you, the elimination of things you can't stand from the world, dinner cooking itself, and Lost having a satisfying ending.

I don't know why a woman would want to go through natural childbirth. A quick Google search says the following:

"Natural childbirth helps you find a strength you never knew you had."

So does losing all of your loved ones in a cruise ship disaster that you couldn't go on because you had a work deadline but it's not something you want to experience. It's not good to know your own strength. Finding out your own strength is always preceded by someone getting their arm broken or a hole appearing in a wall. "Guess she didn't know her own strength."

"Natural childbirth lets you experience labor as nature intended."

Nature also intends for us to walk around naked and to learn things, not with computers, but by asking other people all while lions and bears try to eat you. Do you want to gather information from people with no clothes on while eluding dangerous predators? Because that's what nature wants. It wants to watch that over and over as payback for the Discovery Channel.

Bears like Al Gore.

"Natural childbirth increases your confidence."

So does winning a duel at 10 paces with muskets but I don't recommend trying. I feel like creating a baby and holding it in your arms is enough of an ego boost without the excruciating pain. I might be wrong.

I don't want to sound like a drug dealer but what's wrong with feeling good? You deserve it. You've been having restless nights for months. Your body is being stretched in ways it shouldn't leaving marks as proof. Your organs are being used for baby stress relief. There's no need to scream your way to the conclusion. You've been through enough. Just take a hit. In your spine.

Tor Baby Countdown: 49 Days

Finally, Baby Center and I can get on the same page with the fruit/baby size comparison. We are at 33 weeks and the baby is the size of a pineapple and based on the discomfort level of my wife, just as pointy. A pineapple is a good metaphor for what I'd like our daughter to be - sweet, thick-skinned (to deal with all of the teasing she will get about her father), yellow (jaundice?). Let's move on.

We are officially at the point where we should have a packed bag for the hospital. The baby can really come anytime now. It's like a complicated bomb with lots of wires, tubes, and strange liquids only no one put a clock on it. Did I just compare my baby to a bomb? Yes I did but you got all judgmental before I explained that the bomb would explode shards of happiness and love shrapnel everywhere. Feel bad?

This is what you get when you type "love shrapnel" into Google. Nice!

The list of suggested things to bring by Baby Center is broken up into 4 parts - For the mom during labor, For the partner during labor, Postpartum, and For the baby.

For the mom during labor - They recommend bringing all the necessary paperwork (driver's license, insurance cards, hospital forms). I'm glad this is her job because I hate having to remember things in a rush. Someone has to be the calm one. You should bring a bathrobe and slippers. Eyeglasses if you need them. Toiletries. Under toiletries is "makeup." They recommend makeup. Is this important?

"Am I presentable enough for my baby?"

Can a husband be that much of a tyrant? Why not a full oven so she can whip up her partner a nice lasagna to sustain him through labor? They also recommend something pleasant to focus on like a picture. My plan is to hold a wooden frame around my head and make "I love you" faces.

For the partner during labor - A camera or camcorder to capture the memories. Not necessary. I plan on putting an artist's rendering of hell in the scrapbook and have horrific screams occur whenever you open to that page. Toiletries. Snacks to taunt the woman in the bed who can't eat anything but ice chips. Something to read. (It doesn't say but probably noise-canceling headphones because she will be pretty audible.) And my favorite, a bathing suit. Sometimes during labor, a woman will want to get in the shower to help her calm down. The bathing suit is recommended so you can join her and help her. I don't find this weird. I was actually wearing a bathing suit when we conceived.

Postpartum - A fresh nightgown because your baby should be the only one sitting in filth. Any leftover snacks you may have from during labor can be given to the mom. So that raisin you didn't want or the cold fries at the bottom of the bag are her property now. A book on newborn care. It's never too late to cram, I say. Why learn in 9 months what you can skim in 10 minutes? And finally, a going home outfit which, if you are wearing makeup to labor, has to be eye-popping hotness. I'm thinking this.

It gives your belly room to breathe. It kinda hurts the eyes so people won't stare too long. And it's tasteful.

For the baby - Receiving blankets. We've got 80 of them. Check. A car seat which I will install as soon as I find some motivation. And a going home outfit. I'd get the same thing as the one above but I don't want to over-pink her. Baby girls get too much pink stuff and I want her to feel like it's ok to wear any color slutty outfit.

I think we should just stuff some baby clothes, some lady clothes, a big bag of M&Ms, a toothbrush, and a portable DVD player with "Armageddon" into a bag. I can take pictures or look up newborn instructions on my Blackberry. We're all good.

Tor Baby Countdown: 56 Days

Sometimes Baby Center likes to make up vegetables because there isn't one that represents the current size of the baby. This week, our daughter is the size of jicama. It's Latin for "sorta kinda like a big turnip," or "friend of the quarter" as evidenced below.

People lose their filters around pregnant women. It's like the estrogen glow of the pregnant woman breaks down the walls of decent behavior in the nearby people causing them to function purely on id. That's why bellies are touched by strangers and the following things can be said:

"Were you trying (to have a baby)?" - Alright, Salt-n-Pepa, let's talk about sex. I mean, we haven't ever before this point so let's get into it. What causes someone to ask such a personal thing? "Hey Doris, did you watch American Idol last night? How's your vagina?" Not appropriate. Why not ask for a video?

"You must be having a girl because a girl steals your beauty." - This is wrong. It can't feel right coming out of the mouth. She's a pregnant woman. She's insecure and you are basically telling them they should spend the rest of the gestation period killing drunken teens at an abandoned campground. I'm not a fan of punching a woman (capable of saying this) but I would gladly hire someone to. Is Gina Carano available?

Gina Carano - Lady Puncher for Hire

"When are you due? Last week?" - My wife is due in 7 weeks. So unless I am posting a comment she will hear 8 weeks in the future, this was offensive. How do you get out of this? "I was hoping you'd have a preemie. They are ever so much cuter." Nooooo, that doesn't work. Well, at least my wife was pregnant and female so it wasn't as big a miss as it could have been.

Just because someone is pregnant doesn't mean you stop thinking before you speak. (I'm still trying to understand why that last statement needs to be said.) My wife is suffering enough on the inside physically. She doesn't need to be suffering psychologically as well.

In conclusion, I'll kill you if you mess with my wife, foo.

Technically, I'm also Mr. T.

Tor Baby Countdown: 63 Days

It's Tuesday and you know what that means, loyal readers? (crickets) That's right! It's new fruit or vegetable day! Baby Center has informed us on this wretchedly awful, rainy morning that our baby is now the size of four navel oranges. The website went on to assure us that our baby is one piece. Is there not a single fruit or vegetable that is this size?

Naming a baby is not easy. You are forced to anticipate ways it can be made fun of. If she is smart, you have to stay away from Gertie ("Nerdy Gertie"). If she is ugly, you have to stay away from Vicky ("Icky Vicky"). And God forbid she is chubby, you have to stay away from Patty ("Fatty Patty"), Kate ("Overweight Kate"), or Brooke ("Look How Much Food She Took Brooke") among others.

My wife and I have chosen our daughter's name but we've decided not to tell anyone. I find it's easier to like a name once there is a face associated with it. "Here, meet Mervina, isn't she precious?" goes a lot better when you are holding a cute little baby.

My improv friends call her Linda or Peyton. My best friend calls her Tori (Tori Tor seems like a winner). The guessing is fun. Nobody has guessed it yet but that doesn't mean I would tell them if they did. I'm a good liar.

The problem is that people don't like to not know and it is hard to keep the secret, especially with my wife and I singing songs and talking to the belly using her name all the time. It's only a matter of time before "Grizelda would not stop kicking last night" slips out of one of our mouths.

We get asked whether we have a name often and my wife has taken to saying no to avoid the long "We have. We're just not telling people. Especially you." response. Sometimes the people get offended and have a look that says "Not even me?" Well, I'm sorry. You aren't high enough on our privacy-sharing list, Cashier at Home Goods. Of course I want to yell "BIMLEE" at the top of my lungs but it's not happening. Just scan my spatula and take my card so we can get out of here!

We are 63 days away (my baby will be punctual) from unveiling the name and people are going to like it because they like us and like our baby. I will leave you with a few hints:

• We have not found this name on a personalized key chain or mug yet
• It is not Spanish like my wife
• It is not one of the names in this blog though the first hint should have helped that (so many Bimlee mugs)
• It is not my name with an 'a' at the end
• It is not monosyllabic
• The middle name is pretty

Tor Baby Countdown: 69 Days

I won't giggle about the number of days if you won't. Deal?

We had a doctor's appointment today. My lack of employment (or dream chasing as I like to call it) has allowed me to accompany my wife to the doctor each time and be along for the process. Today was a nice change of pace. For the first time, I showered before the appointment. So I hope the doctor was able to overlook my Ghostbusters t-shirt and look to my hygiene as my readiness for fatherhood.

A baby doctor is important but apparently not too important. I read this article about emergency home births. It is a step-by-step list of instructions for a mother to give birth by herself. It does start off with calling 911 and calling a neighbor but it has steps for what to do until they get there. This includes dealing with an umbilical cord wrapped around your baby's neck. Yeah, I know.

I've seen a lot of photos and videos of women after they have given birth. (That came out weird.) They look like they have just single-handedly stormed Normandy while also pooping their pants. How can they possibly handle the intricacies of getting a baby to breath via umbilical cord unwrapping or nasal passage clearance? They went through hell. One of the steps is to "try to get your baby to nurse.?!?!" Where is 911? Why does this woman have so much time? Is she bored? Why aren't these steps:

• A C-section is easy to do. We've all watched Sesame Street so we are familiar with the alphabet. Be thankful it's not an R-section with bikini season around the corner. First, get your most sterile scalpel...
• A baby's neck can never be too strong too soon. Exercise bands around the baby's head can be a good little workout for your newest love. Make sure the resistance is low, though. The head is pretty malleable.
• It's never too early to start calling preschools. Have a glass of water ready. You don't want to sound frazzled when you talk to admissions.
• You know that tree stump you have lying around? Time to start whittling that into a bassinet. The baby can't sleep on your belly forever. It's been minutes already.

Do they make laptop sleeves that protect against placenta juice because I'm sure no one remembered to print out these instructions beforehand? If not, dibs on the patent. (But I'll bring in some other people for testing. Big ew on that one.)

I don't want to meet the woman who can do this but if I did, I would want to fist pound her hand because I'm sure she would crush mine in a common handshake. The world isn't ready for Mamazons. Just in case, I'm going to be by my wife's side no matter what because I don't want to find out if she's capable of this. I'm emasculated enough as it is in life.

Tor Baby Countdown: 70 Days

Every Tuesday, my wife and I log on to Baby Center to find out what size our daughter is in relation to a fruit or vegetable (except for that weird jumbo shrimp week). It is a very exciting time. This week's vegetable is a "good-size" cabbage. We are at the point where my wife winces at the reveal. She doesn't want a "good-size" anything.

Here's the thing - there's not enough room in a human woman to put a baby. Sure a woman can gain a whole bunch of weight but she can't gain a new spot on her body. It's not like putting an addition on a home. So the organs have to go somewhere. The stomach goes at the base of the throat. The liver goes behind the lung. And the gall bladder goes to Florida because it's been cold and rainy.

The baby keeps growing through all of this internal reorganization so those organs never get to really settle. On top of that, the baby is a huge jerk and punches and kicks for room like an unreasonable bedmate. My wife is walking around while the baby punches her in the heart as it screams "THIS IS WHERE THE LOVE COMES FROM!" in soundless baby mouth movements. There is no gratitude. "Just keep sending stuff through that cord if you know what's good for you, lady." And my wife does know what's good for her.

Women have been having babies for tens of years based on statistics generated from observing the people I frequent life with. You would think women would have adapted by now. (Yes, I'm still watching Life.) Now I'm just spitballing here but what about a more skeletal womb, something made of a strong metal? It would basically be a steel hamster ball. The baby's hands can't handle punching that for very long. After the first few babies come out with deformed hand nubs, the word would get around to the other steel wombs. Problem solved.*

Alternative Approach: We have a friend who is also pregnant and a couple of weeks ahead of us. She has gained about 1/4 of the weight my wife has. I have not seen her but the baby must look like it's vacuum-sealed into her belly. This is another great way to limit the baby's movements and to also save you money on those expensive 3-D ultrasounds. Something to think about.

Picture him much younger and with less clothes. Also, yeah, people do this.

*Getting the steel hamster ball out would require a C-Section but they were probably going to do that anyway. C-Sections are the new bloodletting.