Tor Baby Countup: Day 1

For those who don't know, my daughter was born on May 23rd, negating our planned trip to see MacGruber. I did not get to finish the Tor Baby Countdown but that doesn't mean I can't start a countup. Unfortunately, how often this will happen will be on the baby as she takes up all of my time. I can't believe how hard it is to sit down at a computer and try to write a blog when you are taking care of a newborn. We're having an off switch installed on her back next week so that might help.

This is why we're going with the back. The face is too prominent. Europe, am I right?

Here's the story of her birth:

It was the 3 in the morning on the Sunday of the Lost series finale. I was dreaming of Kate, Claire, and Hurley running in slow motion on the beach like the vikings in the Capital One commercials.

What's in my wallet? Not a ticket stub for MacGruber.

The elders say that when a woman's water breaks, it is a gush of water. Well, based on the number of towels on the floor in our bathroom, it was an intern with a megaphone away from being on the Universal Studios tour.

"If you look to your left, you can invade Kevin's wife's privacy."

The doctor told my wife to shower and head on in as the contractions would be starting soon. You definitely want to be fresh and clean before stuff starts coming out of every orifice in your body. The contractions did start soon and they progressed fast. Within 45 minutes, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I was flying up the Garden State Parkway as my wife was screaming next to me. I ran two red lights. The second of which took a picture of us. I'd like to see that snap shot: My white-knuckled hands around the steering wheel with my fear-filled eyes staring blankly ahead while my wife yells in agony with her hands on her pregnant belly. That should be a keeper down at the station.

"Segway13, what's your 20? We have a great photo you just have to see."

I parked in the fire zone in front of the hospital. I put my car in flames just to make sure it didn't get towed. We headed to admitting and things really started to pick up speed. What I remember about the next hour is about ten doctors and nurses prodding my wife, the baby's heartbeat going down with each contraction because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and lots of screaming. I just couldn't keep it in. Births and roller coasters. Those are my scream times.

About that cord wrapping. My daughter was apparently into amniotic asphyxiation. It certainly didn't come from my wife and me. I don't know where she learned it but I assure you, it stops right now. I'm putting my foot down. She's not allowed to hang out in that womb anymore.

Perv

It's hard to pick out the funny in times such as these but there was one thing. They took my wife for an emergency c-section and had not given her the epidural because of the issue with the baby. As they wheeled her out of the room with time running down, the anesthesiologist said, "Just give me one shot at her back, I'll get it done." When did Jack Bauer show up in my wife's ER? Is there room for this kind of bad-assery in modern medicine?

"Damn it, Chloe! Get me that IV bag!"

By the time I got the scrubs on and got into the operating room, my daughter was born, three hours and nineteen minutes after the water breaking. So with my wife behind the curtain on the table and me arriving late, we didn't see her come out. We're hoping that in the coming weeks, she'll do things to let us know the surgeons didn't pull a fast one. Until then, please enjoy Cassidy Lorelai Tor.

She has my eyes.

Freddie Prinze, Jr. On 24

Freddie Prinze, Jr. has joined the cast of "24" as the Head of Field Ops for CTU. I'm sorry, what?!? What qualifies him to this role? His expert crime fighting in the Scooby Doo movies? Sure, his Fred was a revelation but this is Jack Bauer! I've decided to come up with some ways for this to work.

• Jack bets Freddie that he can't make any girl into the hottest girl at CTU. They pick Chloe and Freddie ends up realizing that no matter how hot he makes her, he can't make her less awkward. There's only so much that can be done in 24 hours. Jack wins.
• Freddie is a talented baseball prospect working at CTU for the summer to earn some extra cash. Chloe finds him appealing but Jack doesn't approve and keeps Chloe from getting too serious since it would only last for the summer. We pick up Season 8 as Freddie finds out he's getting called up to the Phillies on his last day at CTU. In the midst of foiling a terrorist attack, Freddie is shot and dies in Jack's arms. Jack tells Freddie that he was good enough for Chloe as he breathes his last breath never getting the chance to play pro ball. A real case of Major(s) Irony.
• CTU is reformed and now stands for the Cosmic Terrorist Unit stopping terrorism not only globally but universally. The Kilrathi, a race of "cat-like aliens," is threatening Earth and, more importantly, Los Angeles. Jack and Freddie take their fighter crafts out to thwart the Kilrathi but find their ships' armor to be impenetrable. Chloe comes up with a way to give the Kilrathi mother ship a cold or a virus, a computer...virus. Jack and Freddie save the day.*
• Before being brought on to CTU, Freddie, Jack, and Chloe were good friends. They hung out all the time and partied. One summer night, while driving back from a club, Chloe and Freddie were involved in some horseplay. Distracted, Jack did not see the Stereotypical Arab Terrorist crossing the road. Jack, not wanting to have to deal with more disciplinary action, convince Chloe and Freddie to help him dispose of the body. They don't speak of it again until the start of Season 8 when CTU intercepts some chatter claiming to know what they did one year ago. Could it be that Stereotypical Arab Terrorist? Jack can't take the chance.

* The plot of Wing Commander was not strong enough so I had to bolster it with some Independence Day.

Going To The Movies: Jack Bauer

It is actually harder than you would think to make a movie date with Jack Bauer. Jack was able to give me a couple of hours last Sunday because it's his "day of rest." His words. I think he's buying into replacing Chuck Norris as a butt-kickin' deity a little too much.

Anyway, we went to see "Taken." Before the movie started, I asked him if he needed to use the bathroom and he looked at me and, after a brief pause, we both broke into hysterics. I laughed until my sides hurt. He was stone-faced and made these awkward grunts that he assured me were the closest he gets to laughter. It sounded like a rhino groaning with the hiccups. It was creepy but I can't tell you what a confidence boost it was as an unknown comedian to make Jack Bauer laugh. I will have that forever.

On a side note, Jack Bauer is aware of all the "Why doesn't he go to the bathroom?" jokes and is not happy about it. He was born without a bladder. He sweats out any liquid waste he generates through his groin. Jack Bauer must have the worst case of swamp ass on the planet. It's a good thing he's on our side with that chemical warfare in his pants. He didn't laugh when I said that and I faced forward until the end of the movie.

Kevin

Is there anything you want to say before we begin the review?

Jack Bauer

The following takes place between 4:24 and-

Kevin

You keep a timeline for life, too? What are you going to tell your diary about me?

(mocking)

Dear Jack's diary, today I-

Jack Bauer stares at Kevin.

Kevin

Sorry. Now that I made you laugh, I need to do it again. It's an addiction. Let's talk about "Taken."

Jack Bauer

I thought it was fine.

Kevin

That's it?

Jack Bauer

Yeah.

Kevin

Um...What if I told you that, unless you give me a good review about the movie, the President will die at the top of the hour.

Jack Bauer grabs Kevin by the throat and pushes him into the wall.

Jack Bauer

You did something to the President. Big mistake.

Kevin

(choking)

I was just trying-

Jack Bauer

TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!

Kevin

(crying)

NOTHING! I WAS TRYING-

Jack keeps one hand on Kevin's throat. He takes out his cell phone.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Chloe, what's the status of the President?

Chloe

(on speaker)

One second, Jack.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Now, Chloe, it's important!

Chloe

(on speaker)

Easy, Jack. You're supposed to be relaxing. Doctor's orders.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

How can I relax when pissants like this can get to the President!?!

Chloe

(on speaker)

The President is fine. He is playing basketball with his friends.

Kevin

That's what I was saying. I was kid-

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Are you sure?

Chloe

(on speaker)

Yes, Jack. I will send an image to your phone.

Jack hangs up with Chloe and checks the picture of the President playing basketball.

Jack Bauer

Why would you do that?

Kevin

I figured if you thought the President was in danger, you would be a better interview.

Jack Bauer releases Kevin's throat.

Jack Bauer

I have to go.

(starts to leave)

The movie was fine but I could have gotten his daughter back in 45 minutes. Good bye, Mr. Tor and grow up.

Jack Bauer walks away.

Kevin

I will, Mr. Bauer, sir. Sorry again.

(calls after him)

You should try Chamomile tea. To relax.

(to the camera)

Well, that's it for Going to the Movies with Jack Bauer. Taken was an effective thriller and Liam Neeson was kinda bad ass. Go see it. In closing, if I'm not in holding for whatever rogue agency Jack Bauer now works for, I'll see you next time.