American Idol Season 9 - Top 3 (Elimination)

Dear Casey,

Ever since you took off your shirt to get a "yes" for a ticket to Hollywood, I knew you were going to go far in this competition. It takes a special, pec-less man to stand on stage and do what can marginally be considered singing in front of millions of people. You were a macho Taylor Hanson. The good thing is that you realized how fortunate you were to get to the Top 3. You never had an iota of entitlement and I respect that. Good luck to you and your guitar skills. Now put your shirt on and get out of the way. We're trying to get a picture of the two people who were written into the finals 12 weeks ago.

Sincerely,

Kevin

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4 (Elimination)

Dear Big Mike,

You were bound to leave the Idol stage at some point. It's best that it was by being voted off and not by accidentally snapping a mentor's neck while lifting them up in a hug. Then Seacrest would have to shoot you like George shot Lennie. It would have made for compelling television, something Idol hasn't had this season.

I have been tough on you on this blog. Know that it wasn't your singing but your actions that caused me to dislike you. Actions do speak louder than vocally-extended words. The fist pumps. The double-handed waving to the crowds. The lip licking. The head toss. The forearm X. The Aaron Kelly lifts. The fedora positioning. The chest pounding. It all left a bad taste in my mouth that repeated rinses with Listerine have not removed.

However, I wish you well. I hope your daughter grows up to be everything you want her to be and I hope your wife gets her eyes fixed because they were constantly leaking. Be well, Big Mike, and stay out of my iTunes. I don't want to hear your name ever again.

Sincerely,

Kevin

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5 (Elimination)

And then there were 2.

Wait, I got ahead of myself. Big Mike and Casey are still around. I advanced the show to its logical conclusion before the producers got to do it. Think I'm being silly, though? How much were Big Mike and Aaron involved in the Ford commercial or the medleys? Not much. The judges are so pro-Lee that they haven't commented on his pitch problems since pre-Top 12. I've read many American Idol blogs talking about his pitch problems. I don't claim to know about singing in tune. However, I did hear a bad note or two when I rewatched this week's show. Still, they want him in the finals and Crystal too. No amount of love for Big Mike is going to change that or shots of Casey's butt for that matter.

There was no Bottom 3 this week.

Bottom 2:

Big Mike - The voting public must love pork because that's the only way to explain how this ham has made it this far. He will have another week of Randy praising him and America not voting for him. It really bothers me how much joy his wife shows in his survival while someone else's dream is shattered. I swear significant others in the past have shown much more subtlety in their celebrations of earning another week. Though, I wouldn't expect Big Mike to marry someone who is subtle. That's like a bear marrying an unsubtle bear.

Aaron Kelly - I never liked him but he's in the right place for Idol losers - country. If you don't win Idol, it is best to go country. This isn't a knock on the type of music but former Idol contestants have found solid careers in country music.

1. Kelly Pickler - She has won actual awards!?!?
2. Josh Gracin - He was the marine.
3. Bucky Covington - He was not very good but he's apparently good now!
4. Phil Stacey - Bet you never thought you'd see his lemur-like face again.
5. Kristy Lee Cook - She's got some looks to her...
6. Danny Gokey - Really??

Final Thoughts: We are a week away from getting to hear Lee and Crystal sing twice. That's something to look forward to. I have no other thoughts other than the fact that I love Lady Gaga. For me, for you, this wasn't her best performance but I'm still a fan. She just entertains. She can sing the phone book or monotone speak the phone book. It doesn't matter. I love when she takes the stage. I wish she would mentor. Maybe next season.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6 (Eliminations)

Shania Twain Week ended without a Shania Twain performance but we got two performances with Rascal Flatts. The lead singer of Rascal Flatts is going for the look of "drag queen at his day job."

Tonight! At Boa's! Edie Rascal!

It was a lot of country tonight. After Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood came out to not sing and then introduce a band full of every character Bill Hader plays on SNL. They played for 45 to 107 minutes. My fast forward button asked me to take a break halfway through. Lady Antebellum sang a song, too. I like this song because it allows me to check out other radio stations when it comes on. The final performance was Shakira with Rascal Flatts. That went together like tone-deaf oil and boring water. It was a successful night.

Bottom 3:

Michael Lynche - Big Mike will never go home. He will continue to appear on my television screen pounding his chest and licking his lips long after the season ends. At some point, he will come out of the television like the killer girl in "The Ring" and continually bear hug lift me without my permission. I'm finding a way to come to terms with this. I see no other outcome.

Casey James - Casey was good this week but that's not enough anymore. He didn't build a large enough following with all of his average performances. That's what you need. Crystal was not good this week but she has a following. I think he makes it one more week.

Siobhan Magnus - She has just not been as good or entertaining as she was back in the beginning of the competition. There's only enough room in this competition for one boring person and America prefers Aaron's boredom over hers. It's a shame. I actually prefer her boredom because it had a chance to go away.

Final Thought: This is probably the worst Top 5 in Idol history. If I could never hear Aaron and Big Mike sing again then that means I figured out that I don't have to watch the show. I can watch literally anything else. However, they are still here and I will have to find another way to say how skeevy Mike is or how dull Aaron is. Does America know how hard it is to write about them every week? At least we have Lee and Crystal.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7 (Eliminations)

Idol Gives Back would be more successful if they could find a way, in addition to the charity, to give us the time we lost in our lives due to the following performances:

• Everything sung by Jermaine Sellers, John Park, and Haeley Vaughn
• Lacey Brown's "Landslide" and "Ruby Tuesday"
• Paige Miles' "Smile"
• Andrew Garcia's "Gimme Shelter" and "Heard It Through The Grapevine"
• Tim Urban's "Apologize," "Sweet Love," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
• Siobhan Magnus' "Through the Fire"
• Most of Aaron, Katie, and Big Mike

Highlights of the show were Carrie Underwood, Elton John, and Mary J. Blige. Lowlights were the Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys, and George Lopez.

Bottom Three:

Aaron Kelly - He's fearless but he's also naive. He's American Idol's equivalent of Wile E. Coyote. He can strap all of the rockets he wants to his back and shoes but he's never going to catch the Road Runner (Season 9 crown).

Don't look for it here, Aaron

Casey James - The dreamy-haired Adonis found the Bottom 3 for the first time. I hope he liked the taste of it because this is where he will stay until he leaves in 2 weeks. Some would suggest that a haircut would be a welcome change but rumors are that the hair is his source of mediocrity. Best to leave it. Why mess with an average thing?

Tim Urban - I will give Tim credit for making it this far. I think he will have a solid CW career going forward and I appreciate how much he lived in the moment and cherished all that Idol allowed him to do. Best of luck to him.

Hallelujah

Final Thoughts: There is no one right now even coming close to the greatness of Lee and Crystal. It will be a real shame if that isn't the Final. Frankly, I won't watch. Can America deal with that kind of boycott because there won't be any hilarious recaps? I vow it. Think about it, Nation. (I've been watching some Colbert lately.)

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Again - Double Elimination)

We made it through Elvis Week without anyone performing "Jailhouse Rock" or "Love Me Tender." I wish the same could be said about "Viva Las Vegas." That got the Idol lip-sync medley which was the equivalent of stuffing Elvis full of gravy, sticking him on the toilet, and force-feeding him pills. Fortunately for the Idols' prison records, that already happened a long time ago.

Ryan was better behaved tonight. Must have taken a contaminated bottle of 5-Hour Energy yesterday. Brooke White sang Elvis songs with either Miley Cyrus' ex or the guy who betrays the colonial army in every early-America movie. Not sure. And Adam Lambert gave my favorite performance of his on American Idol. He should have done that song last year. It was really good.

Going Home:

Andrew Garcia - To use my own version of a Simonism, he went from hero ("Straight Up") to zero ("Gimme Shelter") to "should we cheer-o?" ("Forever") to "the end is here-o" ("Hound Dog"). It's a shame because I truly feel he has it. He just got swallowed up by the competition. Check out "Straight Up" once more to realize what could have been.

Katie Stevens - I was never a fan of Katie. I didn't like her performances. She always picked these sassy, attitude-needing songs and she's just a sweet girl. If her personality is that of a happy girl, she should embrace that in her song choices. Why does she fight who she is? What does she have against being happy? There are children in Austria who are dying to be happy if their culture would just allow it.

Final Thoughts: I can't wait for Big Mike to sing an inspirational song next week! Since he sings the words of "Teddy Bear" like each one can give a T-cell back to an AIDS patient, I want to know what he would do with "Wind Beneath My Wings." Next week will be a disaster. Even Lee and Crystal can't save us. Best case - Aaron goes home.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Eliminations)

I went into last night thinking that this was the week for shakeups on Idol. Time for a shocker. That's why I went with Siobhan in the Bottom 3. However, Big Mike was my alternate choice for Siobhan's spot. I took a crazy shot for the Bottom 3 and got it fairly wrong. But not as wrong as Rihanna who was a train wreck. Is she actually singing? I don't mean lip-synching. I mean is she singing as opposed to pushing sound out of her throat like a goose? Are those notes? The jury is out.

Bottom 3:

Aaron Kelly - It's nice to see him here. Just because you are on TV and not ugly doesn't make you are heartthrob. This was the only one I got right and I predict he will be back here after another subpar Rascal Flatts-esque version of a dull ballad next week. Can't wait!

Andrew Garcia - He had a better run avoiding the Bottom 3 than he should have. They should put a training collar on him and every time he attempts to sing a song without an acoustic guitar or with an added band, ZAAPPP! Simple. This show is so produced, they can't make this happen?

Big Mike - This was a shocker. Was I rooting for it? Of course I was. His "singing for his life" moment was so over the top. All of the uber-dramatic gestures he didn't get to use last week were added to this week's resulting in what could only come out of a steroid-ridden soap opera star at karaoke. This performance made him go from too confident to too cocky. After the song was over, he pounded his chest like he was about to swing through the trees with Simon as his Jane or attack a ram near a cliff on a special episode on Animal Planet. He is off-putting and I expect America to vote him off again next week telling the judges, "No, no, we meant to vote that way."

Final Thought: The Judges' Save was used way too early this season. What do we do if Crystal gets voted off in the next 5 weeks?What was with the judges hugging each other after they chose to save Big Mike? "We did it guys! We saved the guy who gave the 'Suck it' gesture to America after he learned the results!" (I saw the forearm cross, Big Mike.) The Save should be used on someone who they believe can win American Idol. Big Mike will not. Next week's mentor is Adam Lambert. I can't wait for him to work with Siobhan. I expect the rehearsal room to explode from too much artistry.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 10 (Elimination)

We opened with a ridiculous montage comparing Simon Cowell to the Kraken which is stupid because the Kraken would never leave American Idol. Ruben Studdard came back to the stage with a performance that should have gotten him eliminated instead of the one who went home. Usher danced. Diddy lip-synched. It was a magical hour. My only problem is that they have to cram it all in to one hour. Why rush it? Let's make this a 4-hour results show and really take our time. I should talk to the producers.

Bottom 3:

Katie Stevens - I'm allowed to not like someone's singing voice. Maybe Simon's right. Maybe she should sing country. At the very least, we should have Simon and Kara debate this a few more times. I fear she is going home next week, leap-frogging over Tim and off the Idol stage.

Tim Urban - Smiles made it through another week. When I first saw him look into the camera with that "I'm a moth and that light is so beautiful" drugged-up stare, I knew he was Top 9 material. Didn't you?

Didi Benami - America hates tears. We're not some wussy country trying to get in touch with our feelings. This is a manly country and we pee standing up into the Atlantic Ocean (because Florida is our penis). Didi fell fast. She did not deserve to go home yet. She's had a few good performances which can't be said for Tim, Katie, or Andrew.

Final Thought: Well, I got the Bottom Three right. Just got the elimination wrong. It's not easy being a girl on American Idol. The teens sitting at home developing unhealthy crushes are all focused on the guys. That's how Tim keeps going. Next week's theme is songs from the McCartney/Lennon songbook. Does this mean Aaron Kelly will be doing an inferior "Imagine" to David Archuleta's the way he did an inferior "Ain't No Sunshine" to Kris Allen's? Will Big Mike glue a mop top onto his head like the purple strip he did last night? Will Casey James play electric guitar? Will Siobhan go with "I've Got A Feeling" so she can say the song dictated a scream and she had to do it? Will Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze sing 4 times each instead of letting the others go? I'm tuning in to see!

American Idol Season 9 - Top 16 (Eliminations)

Well, that was something. I went 1 for 4 on my picks this week and I'm glad I got them wrong. I would never want to be associated with guessing last night's debacle of eliminations correctly. What is wrong with America?

Going Home:

Katelyn Epperly - I was worried about her. She picked one of the least enjoyable songs out of a list of every song ever created. I guess that was enough to condemn her to a four-person montage goodbye package. If anything, Katelyn deserved her own goodbye package. This was a big mistake by America. She was talented and pretty. Isn't that what this competition usually dreams of?

Todrick Hall - He never really shined. The Queen song was not enough to save him. Of all the people going home this week, he deserved it the most and not just because I picked him. Of consolation, I'm sure Fantasia will allow him to dance behind her again. Maybe not.

Alex Lambert - Mullets can do anyone in but I don't think that's what happened. If his performance this week was another step in the right direction, he would have been safe. A rugged, manly song of heartache does not fit his innocence. America doesn't like people who don't feel connected with their instrument. Kara's been right all along.

Lilly Scott - This was also ridiculous. Two of the Top 3 girls don't make the Top 12? She was right to be outraged. It couldn't have been the white hair. People love white hair more than mullets. Look at the major online push to get Betty White on SNL. This was a matter of her sound appealing to too small an audience. Talent doesn't always matter and it's a shame.

Going Forward: This was a bad week for Season 9. All four of these ousted performers had the chance to be great and America settled for good enough with Katie, Tim, Lacey, Paige, and Aaron. I anticipate they will be going home first. These four were intriguing. You don't know what they were going to do and that's good television. Todrick could have done a country version of Lady Gaga or a jazzy Kings of Leon and you wouldn't have blinked. Katelyn could have done a slow version of "Old Man River." We just don't know. And we never will.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 24 (Eliminations)

There's something fun about seeing the first week of group song lip synching. Nobody knows how to do it. Just wonderful. Can't wait for next week's 20 person take on "Tik Tok" with Bowersox starting off, "Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy."

Going Home:

Janell Wheeler - I did not expect her to go home. She was one of the weaker girls on Tuesday but she deserved another shot. She's now going to go the way of what's her name from Season 5 and what's her name from Season 2.

Ashley Rodriguez - She never really got highlighted in the weeding out process and, while that worked for Kris Allen, it didn't work for her. She seemed swell.

Joe Munoz - I got this one right. I will take this paragraph to congratulate myself on a choice well done. I have been watching American Idol for a long time and I have a good grasp on how the public votes. You see, his hairline was converging on his face and America sees that. They don't want someone whose face is blocked by hair. Can't see his mouth, his eyes. Ew.

Tyler Grady - This was surprising. I thought he had the teenage girl vote based on his sexy, ugly confidence but I guess not. He took a shot at the judges for not giving him enough criticism, too. It's always a smart move to go out on bottom.

Final Thought: I got 50 percent on this one. Not bad. It's so random at the beginning. Terrible isn't enough to go home. Much like Private Ryan, it is up to Lacey Brown and Jermaine Sellers to earn this. Unfortunately (especially with Lacey), I don't know if they can. See you next week when the singers, and hopefully this blogger, will be more comfortable and ready to shine.