Tor Baby Countup: Day 1

For those who don't know, my daughter was born on May 23rd, negating our planned trip to see MacGruber. I did not get to finish the Tor Baby Countdown but that doesn't mean I can't start a countup. Unfortunately, how often this will happen will be on the baby as she takes up all of my time. I can't believe how hard it is to sit down at a computer and try to write a blog when you are taking care of a newborn. We're having an off switch installed on her back next week so that might help.

This is why we're going with the back. The face is too prominent. Europe, am I right?

Here's the story of her birth:

It was the 3 in the morning on the Sunday of the Lost series finale. I was dreaming of Kate, Claire, and Hurley running in slow motion on the beach like the vikings in the Capital One commercials.

What's in my wallet? Not a ticket stub for MacGruber.

The elders say that when a woman's water breaks, it is a gush of water. Well, based on the number of towels on the floor in our bathroom, it was an intern with a megaphone away from being on the Universal Studios tour.

"If you look to your left, you can invade Kevin's wife's privacy."

The doctor told my wife to shower and head on in as the contractions would be starting soon. You definitely want to be fresh and clean before stuff starts coming out of every orifice in your body. The contractions did start soon and they progressed fast. Within 45 minutes, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I was flying up the Garden State Parkway as my wife was screaming next to me. I ran two red lights. The second of which took a picture of us. I'd like to see that snap shot: My white-knuckled hands around the steering wheel with my fear-filled eyes staring blankly ahead while my wife yells in agony with her hands on her pregnant belly. That should be a keeper down at the station.

"Segway13, what's your 20? We have a great photo you just have to see."

I parked in the fire zone in front of the hospital. I put my car in flames just to make sure it didn't get towed. We headed to admitting and things really started to pick up speed. What I remember about the next hour is about ten doctors and nurses prodding my wife, the baby's heartbeat going down with each contraction because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and lots of screaming. I just couldn't keep it in. Births and roller coasters. Those are my scream times.

About that cord wrapping. My daughter was apparently into amniotic asphyxiation. It certainly didn't come from my wife and me. I don't know where she learned it but I assure you, it stops right now. I'm putting my foot down. She's not allowed to hang out in that womb anymore.

Perv

It's hard to pick out the funny in times such as these but there was one thing. They took my wife for an emergency c-section and had not given her the epidural because of the issue with the baby. As they wheeled her out of the room with time running down, the anesthesiologist said, "Just give me one shot at her back, I'll get it done." When did Jack Bauer show up in my wife's ER? Is there room for this kind of bad-assery in modern medicine?

"Damn it, Chloe! Get me that IV bag!"

By the time I got the scrubs on and got into the operating room, my daughter was born, three hours and nineteen minutes after the water breaking. So with my wife behind the curtain on the table and me arriving late, we didn't see her come out. We're hoping that in the coming weeks, she'll do things to let us know the surgeons didn't pull a fast one. Until then, please enjoy Cassidy Lorelai Tor.

She has my eyes.

Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Tor Baby Countdown: 13 Days

We went to the baby doctor today for what could end up being the last time. We may be ahead of schedule. Last week, my wife was at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. To be technical, the doctor described her as a "tight 2."

Let me point something out for those who don't know. The doctor determines the number of centimeters by how many fingers he can fit in there. A tight 2? Did he go to medical school in a boys' high school locker room? Is my wife also a good candidate for a noogie?

Nurse, pass me a twisted towel and let's roll the patient over so I can get at her buttocks.

This time, the doctor said that my wife was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. So there has been progress since last week which means the baby is coming sooner rather than later. It's time to put the hospital bag in the car. After all of that torture putting it together, it would suck to forget it at home. Then the hospital bag will have to protect itself from Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci using swinging paint cans.

"It's a hospital bag. Hospital bags are stupid."

Let's hope there's a blog tomorrow. There's still too much to do. (Like watching the finale of Lost.) Little Lady Tor needs to cooperate.

Tor Baby Countdown: 14 Days

It's one of our last New Produce Tuesdays. The baby is the length of a leek! LEEEK! A leek is a vegetable that is related to the onion which makes sense as the baby will also create smells that lead to tears. I do have one question for Baby Center, though. Where's the watermelon? It better be next week. I've been looking forward to a watermelon for 38 weeks now. Bring the watermelon!

Today is my wife's first day home from work. We went to the movies and saw Iron Man 2. We have plans for 2 more movies this week as we've been told we will never go to the movies again. I have calls out to the studios to put The A-Team, Toy Story 3, Twilight: Eclipse, Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim in theaters this weekend. I have not heard back but I am certain they will gladly accommodate a moderate YouTube star such as myself.

"Let's go somewhere else"

We have also started a Facebook pool for the baby's birth date and weight. One person picked this Saturday which is our wedding anniversary. I don't want that as an anniversary present. Some people will say it will make it easy to remember my anniversary. I'm not a husband in a sitcom. I remember my anniversary because I love my wife. Also, I want to make sure I see MacGruber.

THAT'S an anniversary present.

Tor Baby Countdown: 15 Days

Today is my wife's last day of work before her maternity leave. She is very excited and so am I though I can't bring it up as we have taken a vow of silence from each other. With labor lasting an average of 14 hours, we want to save up discussion topics so we don't run out. But how do you plan for 14 hours or more of talking?

Watching all of my YouTube videos only gets you about 90 minutes. Even when she begs me to watch them a second time, we still have 11 hours to fill. I could do my stand-up act for 30 minutes or so but that will only please the hospital staff and it's more about my wife at that point.

"You know what's fun to do? Speculate on specula. That guy knows what I'm talking about."

Another timekiller is a delivery room puppet show. Everyone loves puppets and maternity puppets, or muppets, are the most beloved of all. If you Google "muppets," you should see how many people love them. I am getting pretty good at voices, too. I've been practicing in anticipation of impressing our daughter. How is she going to respect me as a performer if I give her lackluster character work at bedtime? She won't.

Everyone loves the famous story of "The Dragon and Estelle Getty"

I can read her a book. I can give her a halftime-esque, locker room pep talk. We can play Earthquake Scrabble (a variation on regular Scrabble where the board gets cleared a lot from jostling as we will be playing on her chest). We can name the Presidents. We can name all of the bad guys from the original Batman series (Clock King!). We can compare and contrast contractions.

"Was that one worse or better than your 253rd one? Worse or better than your 25th? Great so it ranks 907th overall so far. You're doing great."

I'm not sure how we are going to pass the time. Anything you do is going to associate that thing with misery. Therefore, no Weezer marathon. The most important thing to do is keep your eyes on the prize and hope the pain ends soon. Labor Day is coming...

Tor Baby Countdown: 18 Days

18 m'n f'n days, ya'll! What?!? You hear me, daughta?!?

The process of having a baby is like swallowing Pandora's box. Then, on the way through digestion, stomach acid burns through the lock on the box. The box opens up somewhere in the gut and all the evils of the world are unleashed to wreak havoc upon the woman's insides.

Let's see what Metamucil can really do.

If that wasn't enough to deal with, there are stretch marks. Frankly, the human body should be able to gain from 30 to 70 pounds in a 9 month period and handle it fine but some people weren't born so lucky. Stretch marks are punishment for those people who weren't born with enough skin elasticity to handle such a girth growth. My wife is one of these people.

For the last couple of months, my wife has been smearing every possible cream she can find onto her belly to avoid such marks. The latest remedy is Vicks VapoRub so now my wife smells like impending baby and cold and flu season. It's a pleasure to lie in the same bed as her. Good thing she doesn't generate enough heat to cook a turkey in 10 minutes or I wouldn't be able to sleep near her. Oh wait-

It's like this movie only not as sexy or murdery.

Stretch marks are not fair. Some women say that stretch marks are a badge of honor and like a souvenir from the pregnancy, something to remind them of what they went through. You know what else does that? The baby.

I went through pregnancy and all I got was this lousy baby.

Tor Baby Countdown: 20 Days

So we went to the baby doctor today and had our first internal exam. This is where the doctor treats your wife like a malfunctioning vending machine. The doctor put in his money for your baby and the baby fell but didn't come out so he needs to reach up in there to try to grab it. That's as pleasantly and accurately as it can be put.

Crazy coincidence - That's our doctor!

The baby's head is in the right place. That's one thing we learned. All of her bags are packed. She's done all she wants to do inside the womb and she's ready to move on. She's heading towards the light and this is one of the few times that's ok. Another time would be when we are separated and trapped in a toy store late at night, the store has shut off all of the power, and I am flashing my keychain lamp.

Dramatization where toddler plays my baby and a carpet plays my wife's body.

The doctor also checks for dilation and effacement. Dilation is the process in which the cervix opens up. Effacement is the process in which the cervix shrinks in length. Let's think about this in terms of a leg on a pair of jeans. The leg is the cervix and the leg hole is the opening of the cervix. Pre-labor, the jeans are down to your ankle and tight-rolled like it's the 80s. As labor happens, the cuff becomes looser and the pant leg moves up as if there was a flood. Get it?

These jeans have obviously gone into labor.

When a woman reaches 100% effaced and 10 cm dilated, the baby will come out. My wife was measured at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. Does that mean this blog won't reach zero or even negative days? I don't know but I'm putting the hospital stuff in an actual bag as I one-hand type this.

Tor Baby Countdown: 21 Days

This past weekend was Mother's Day and my wife got presents from people in my family. While it's nice that my family accepts her and buys her things, this was misguided. Where's the baby? Is the baby still inside my wife? Yes! Therefore, she should not get anything. She is not a mother yet.

According to Article 4 Section 3 of the Hallmark Holiday Handbook:

Any woman who is gestationally compromised cannot be considered a "mother" on the Second Sunday of May unless the current womb inhabitant is not the first offspring of the woman. Any presents or cards offered to such a woman must be burned in the middle of the restaurant (or other celebratory location) immediately.

Subsection Junior - This goes for men too.

Regardless, it was a nice day and my wife got to burn some nice stuff.

A lot of first-time pregnancies at this eatery.

Well, it's Tuesday and you know what that means, blog readers - new fruit or vegetable! We have a good melon streak going. According to Baby Center, our little girl is now the size of a stalk of Swiss chard. Why just looking at my baby's size makes me want to throw up. Is there a grosser anything in the world? No. There isn't. It looks like a fifth grade project where you have to make a vegetable (lettuce) look like an animal (fish) to satisfy some weird "We're all living things" challenge by a sadistic science teacher.

Your neutrality does not help matters, chard!

The baby is now considered "full term" which means if it was born today (God forbid that miracle), the baby would be fine and not need to be put in the incubator (or Baby Bake Oven). Now that the baby is full term, my wife an I can start putting together the hospital bag. That's what we've been waiting for.

Look, our pile has gotten bigger which means we are more ready to go to the hospital than we were last time I talked about this. I actually think we have everything we need in the pile now. We just have to bag it so no need to ask about the hospital bag anymore. This blog is done talking about it.

Tor Baby Countdown: 25 Days

Boy Jerkface has started to take on stairs. He got the go-ahead from his doctor yesterday. We were instructed to roll a towel and put it under his body like a sling to take some of the weight off his back legs. The first attempt was before bed last night.

At this point in our post-torn ACL life, Boy Jerkface has gotten used to being carried around. He shows no interest in using his legs like a sucker. Why climb the stairs when someone can cradle you like a baby and bring you where you want to go? It makes sense. So it was no surprise when I implemented the sling and he stood there with a "What's going on with my back legs?" look on his face. We were doing the doggie wheelbarrow but with no forward momentum.

Not the picture I was looking for but fun nonetheless.

We gave up for the night but this morning was a new day. Boy Jerkface made for the stairs and I stood a few stairs down from him and we went slow. He made it to the first landing. I was so proud of him.

Me

Do you want to keep going?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Ok!

Down he went to the first floor. He kept going. Can we go down the last flight to the garage? All of the stairs in one morning? Does this dog have the healing ability of Wolverine? How is this possible?

Me

All the way to the garage, buddy?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Well don't let me stop you.

He made it down 30 steps in total without a hiccup. I've never been prouder of him. I rubbed his back furiously saying, "Good Boy! Good Boy!" I was near tears.

When we got to the garage, I put him on his bicycle and we started in the parking lot. I was running behind him and he barked, "Let go of the seat! I can do it!" I let go and he went across town and got us lunch. It's been a magical morning.

Tee hee

I can't imagine the kind of excitement and happiness I will feel when (not if, damn it!) my daughter accomplishes things if I got this elated for the dog. "You're crawling! Good girl!" Head rub. "You're holding the sippy cup all by yourself! Good girl!" Belly scratch. Who said dogs can't be a prelude to children?

If no one has, this picture leaves me thinking someone needs to say it.

Tor Baby Countdown: 27 Days

Wow. That's 3 9-day weeks away. I realized something today. If you take away the incessant heartburn, the ever-swelling ankles and feet, the pain under the rib cage, the sleepless nights, the pugilism aimed at the internal organs, the constant bathroom runs, the unhappiness with getting dressed every day in the awful clothes, and the overall discomfort, carrying Boy Jerkface for the cumulative five minutes every day has given me a real sense of what it's like to be pregnant.

With my insensitive powers combined...

We went to the baby doctor today. We are at the point where we will go every Wednesday. (Do you hear that robbers? Our home will be empty every Wednesday but I'm not giving you the time. You have to work a little.) Also, "baby doctor" is not a disrespectful way of putting it. He specialized in baby at med school and holds a BMD. Disrespectful would be laughing and saying, "You have a bowel movement degree."

Before I go to the baby doctor, I make sure I go to the bathroom. Like I force it out. I want to ensure I don't have to use the bathroom at the doctor's office. I am going to explain the scenario I want to avoid when I do all of this stuff. Let's take a glimpse into my stupid, stupid mind.

I go to the bathroom. I finish my business, wash my hands, and exit the bathroom. I say hi and smile at a nurse as I return to the room my wife is in. That nurse goes to find a file somewhere. Another nurse, having checked the contents of my wife's or some other patient's urine sample, goes into the bathroom, lifts the lid, and pours it out into the toilet. She leaves the bathroom. The first nurse goes in shortly after and finds the seat up. That nurse blames it on the guy who she saw leaving the bathroom earlier. I'm the jerk who left the toilet seat up at the OB/GYN.

I didn't do it.

I can't handle that. I could try to explain that I never pee standing up or rarely go in public but that will just exacerbate the problem and prolong the discomfort. That is just a little taste of the anguish I feel when I go to the baby doctor with my wife.

In other news, the baby is doing well.

Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don't know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it's Tuesday and that means "New Fruit Day." Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact - The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman's game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby's head upon world entry.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don't scream "father material." I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, "That guy can impregnate someone." I just don't put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I'm goofy. Also, previous to now, I've never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don't do a search for "fertile vibe."

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I've Accomplished list. It's right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don't know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can't wait. Though I will for the baby's medical well-being. See? I'm a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn't have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.

Tor Baby Countdown: 29 Days

Oh man, that's less than a month.

Let's get to it. You're wondering how the hospital bag is. You're wondering if it's in the car already. You're wondering about all of the fun my wife and I had packing it. You're wondering whether we packed jammies or a nightie. You're wondering if we packed an extra night's worth of stuff thus guaranteeing a c-section. You're wondering if I'm typing all of this to avoid telling you we didn't pack a bag. Well, you know what I'm wondering? Why do you care if we brought jammies or a nightie? Pervert!

It's the maternity ward not a getaway in the Poconos.

Fine, we didn't pack the hospital bag. We have a pile of things that can go in a bag, though. There's some new toothbrushes, lip balm, hair ties, and a dress. That's enough, right? That's all we need. What's wrong with us? Why aren't we packing this bag?

Google says this is the "bag from hell"

Don't get me wrong. The bag is very practical. I know this. When my wife goes into labor, it will be very hard to scoop all of the stuff in my arms and guide her down the stairs to the car. I've been carrying Boy Jerkface for a couple of weeks but he's just one thing. A bag would be so helpful. Why do I hate bags?

Maybe I can tie a knot in the bottom of my wife's dress and use it as a bag. It could hold a lot of stuff. With the pregnancy, my wife's dresses are currently the equivalent of a 30-gallon trash bag. That's not a shot on her size. She's pregnant. The dresses are bigger. Relax.

They Fall line at Mimi Maternity stores.

Ok, this weekend. I promise.

Tor Baby Countdown: 32 Days

The baby in my wife's belly moves a lot. The doctor says there is no such thing as too much movement so I assume we're fine. Every night before we go to sleep (10 pm), my wife and I lie in bed and watch the belly. This is what it reminds me of.

There are times where some part of the baby moves from one side of the belly to the other. If Kevin Bacon and the dad from "Family Ties" were there, it would totally be a scene from Tremors. The baby's probably not going to pop through the skin and kill me but I'm not going to get too close for safety's sake. Also, in case the baby is a subterranean carnivore, how do I go about putting a onesie on it?

It would explain why my wife is so uncomfortable.

Sometimes the baby will poke arms and legs out at different points of the belly. It's good to know that she's got that kind of reach. The way the belly bulges looks like a bunch of squirrels fighting in a sack. It's almost cartoonish but it's not. If this was a cartoon, during birth the doctor would surf out of the delivery room when the water broke while the nurses danced 60s beach movie-style. Then a flag would pop out of my wife's area that says "Born!" and we'd laugh.

How did she sneak a gun into my wife's uterus?

There is also a bounce which is a ripple away from making me think a T-Rex is coming. It's a quick pop of the belly. It's violent and it got me in the ear once when I was trying to hear the baby's heartbeat. These are the quick jabs of a future boxer. Mo Cuishle Tor.

I wanted a Million Dollar Baby picture but this one was more ridiculous.

Finally, there's the one I call "the miracle." I use it to describe every movement. Let's get sticky and slide down the side of a tree because it's time to get sappy. It is amazing to watch this person inside my wife let us know she's in there. It is the highlight of my day right above Sporstcenter and writing a good tweet. I look forward to it. Is it 10pm yet?

Tor Baby Countdown: 34 Days

Two weeks ago, Baby Center told us it was time to pack a hospital bag. I wrote about it. My wife and I made plans each of the last two weekends to pack that hospital bag. There is still no hospital bag. What's the hold up?

Reason 1 - What's the point in packing a bag? My wife is going to be in a gown the whole time and the hospital provides slipper socks. I don't need a change of clothes because I want to look haggard and defeated by the time I leave. If I look refreshed, people are going to think I'm vain and care more about my appearance than my wife's well-being. They'll think, "Did he spend the whole time at the spa while his wife suffered in the room?" I can't live with that minute possibility.

"That's great, honey. Keep pushing. I'll be there soon."

Reason 2 - We're not ready to be ready for a baby. Packing that bag shows acceptance of leaving the non-parenthood portion of our lives. (Way more than conception did.) This is the first time you aren't packing a bag to go on a nice vacation. You are going to take care of someone for the rest of you life. How do you pack for decades of worry? 6 handkerchiefs and a Costco size box of Tums? Not ready to process that pack job.

Do you have these in chalkier?

Reason 3 - We have sour candy, clothes, slippers, toiletries, receiving blankets, and other baby stuff. So we have the innards for such a bag. The problem is that we actually don't have the bag. We can't pack what we don't have. That's called logic. Suck it, Baby Center.

Reason 4 - We forgot. I swear I told my wife on Thursday of last week that we were going to pack a bag. Then Tuesday comes around and I never thought about the bag at any point in between. Look, I got a lot of stuff going on. I have to write jokes on Twitter. I have to walk and feed the Siblings Jerkface. I have to watch movies that I've already seen. I don't see how baby fits into any of that. If you want to hire a life organizer for me to squeeze an extra hour into my day, go right ahead.

Ok, I put "hospital bag" in my Google Calendar. Now how do I remember to look at it?

I'm almost positive my wife and I will pack a hospital bag this weekend. We pretty much have to. That baby is going to come bag or not. I asked our doctor. Tune in for the "27 Days" blog and see if we come through on this.

Tor Baby Countdown: 35 Days

It's Tuesday and time for another installment of "What Kind of Produce Is Killing My Wife From the Inside Out?" We are at 35 weeks now and Baby Center says the baby is the size of a honeydew melon. It appears we will be going melon from now on. The honeydew is the green melon. This is the one that is the most left over on any party's fruit plate. For the record, I want our baby.

This week Baby Center featured quotes from mothers about things they didn't expect during the birth. Here are some of my favorites:

"Labor wasn't as bad as it was cracked up to be. I heard so many horror stories, but contractions were very manageable for me. I had a higher pain tolerance level than I thought."

Well lah-di-dah, Miss Fancy Maternity Pants. I wonder if there is something wrong with her nervous system. It could be a bad sign. Maybe she's developing CIPA. That will certainly help her when she's murdered by every other mother in the world for saying this.

"I loved every minute of labor. I only pushed for 20 minutes. It was great and I felt so accomplished. My husband and I have actually bumped up our goal of having three children to five."

Why not make it fifty kids? Why stop the fun at 5 if labor is so great? This quote actually went on but I cut it off before she got to the part about the baby talking to her during the crowning, the unicorn doctor that delivered it, and when the hospital floated up into outer space so she could hold her baby and overlook Saturn's rings at the same time.

"Yes, I pooped on the table...twice!"

You find out about the mom pooping during childbirth early on in the pregnancy. You are ready for it. What makes this interesting is the excitement involved. The exclamation point brings about a sense of pride, even boastfulness. Well, you know what? You did it, New Mom!

Here's your button, ya big pooper!

"My boss was the only one available to help me deliver and she held my legs while I pushed. Awkward! She is so sweet, but there are just some things I don't want my boss to know about me."

Wow. Think about this one when you think childbirth couldn't get any worse. How do you ever stand up to or ask anything from your boss ever again? "I can't stay late tonight." "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. I was too busy remembering helping your baby come out of you." This gives me nightmares and it's not an actual possible moment in my life.

Only "Boss" allowed in the delivery room?

"After I labored for two hours, our little guy made his grand entrance, weighing 11 pounds, 3 ounces! The doctor estimated he would be around 8 1/2 pounds, so we were all a bit shocked. The doctor said I was his largest natural delivery ever."

We're pretty convinced this will be us. "Gigan" Tor should tip the scales at a shade under 40 pounds. My wife has a belly that looks fake. It is so shiny and round, it could have been done by any makeup department on a Hollywood set. We have five weeks to go and this baby's head starts at my wife's crotch and the feet are by the shoulders. I fear for the future.

I can never thank my wife enough for what she's going through. I can joke and joke about it but I'm amazed and the amazement will only continue to grow. This is too much to ask someone to go through unless you are one of those first two mothers. Then you can ask them to do it hundreds of times.

I will leave you with two more quotes that I can't even comment on because they are too disgusting. It's not for the squeamish. Read on at your own peril. For blog entry purposes, we are officially done here for today.

"The one thing I told my daughter while on the inside is, you better not poop in me, and she did!"

"When my husband went to cut the cord, the cord blood sprayed me in the face! The baby was sliding off my chest and as the doctor grabbed for the baby the cord ended up angled toward my face. After a very quick delivery, it made for a good story."

I warned you.

Tor Baby Countdown: 36 Days

Last Thursday, my wife and I picked up Boy Jerkface from his ACL surgery. The incision area was pretty gross but he was pushing through on his 3 good legs. The doctor was pleased with the dog because he was already toe-touching. I thought he went in for ACL surgery but I guess he went in for a ballerina implant.

He's a Purina Ballerina!

Dealing with Boy Jerkface over the last few days has been brutal. I somehow became attached to him in the time we've had him. My nights have been filled with restless sleep worrying about him. It makes me wonder how I'm going to handle having a baby.

I've been carrying him up and down the stairs. I've carried him on the latter half of walks so that he doesn't do too much too soon. Carrying a 45-pound dog makes me feel like I'm in a World's Strongest Man competition because the last 20 steps are brutal. I'm waddling, gritting my teeth, hoping to post a good time.

Not bad but my stone likes to wiggle.

The carrying will only help me as a parent. I will be able to lift 2 strollers and a baby carrier at the same time. This will come in handy.

Boy Jerkface also started licking his incision site and the stitches. This is not good for him to do so we decided to buy him a cone. While I was at Petco, I thought about how miserable the cone was going to make him and almost decided not to buy it. My thought process said that I could simply watch him. Constantly. And make sure he never licks it. Yeah, that's a much better option.

I've been telling people that, as a parent, you have to do what's best for the baby even if it's not going to make the baby happy and what am I doing at my first practice chance? Doing whatever it takes to make the baby/dog happy instead of what's best for the baby/dog. So I sucked it up and bought the collar.

The fake dog looks content.

I got the "Comfy Collar" because it was soft and allows the dog to hide in any photography studio. We put the collar on him last night and he went immediately to sleep. This was perfect because dogs sleep soundly throughout the night and never get up to move around.

Thirty minutes later, Boy Jerkface got up and freaked out. He pushed the collar against every surface in the bedroom. It sounded like two people wrestling in windbreakers. I sat there watching him, telling myself to take the collar off of him. My wife was sound asleep. She was not going to help. Then I realized that this was my parenting test. This was the baby crying in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep. The collar is what's right for the dog. A few minutes later, Boy Jerkface laid back down in the bathroom and went to sleep. I did it. I made it.

At about 2 in the morning, the freak-out happened again. Incessant sounds of vinyl sliding coming from all points of the bedroom. Were there six of him? This time my wife woke up. What did she do? She took the collar off and let us all sleep. Licking is the lesser evil when compared to running around the room and slamming his body into things.

In the end, dogs and babies aren't the same no matter how much you try to make them.

The way you handle a dog is not a good barometer for how you will be with a child. And I will keep telling myself that.