A Few Thoughts on Swaddling

For those that don't know, swaddling is a way to wrap a baby to make her feel comforted and help her sleep. A blanket is systematically wrapped and folded until the baby is in a cocoon. This is supposed to be reminiscent of the limited mobility found in the womb.

The butterfly will emerge from her cocoon and scream until your ears bleed.

Nothing makes you feel more like a serial killer than swaddling a fussy baby - shushing close to her ear, holding down her arms, staring into her frightened eyes, telling her it'll be ok if she just calms down, and throwing her in a cage until you're ready to deal with her again.

I'm missing the part of the brain that cares about my daughter's limb freedom.

Once I get my daughter in a sufficient swaddle and into the crib, she fights it like I just put her in a chained-up straitjacket, dropped her in a locked water tank, and 2 minutes have gone by with no air.

Good or bad, it'll all be over soon, Beautiful.

She squirms so hard against her restraints. She makes grunting noises that sound eerily similar to when the velociraptors communicate in Jurassic Park as well as strategically testing all parts of the swaddle for weaknesses. She's a problem solver.

That one...when she looks at you, you can tell she's working things out.

She definitely finds that weakness because, at some point in the night, she gets a hand out of the top of the swaddle. Then it's only a matter of time before she's completely out and wailing for attention. The only saving grace is that it's closer to morning by this point and morning means the longest time until you have to swaddle her again.

Going To The Movies: Dexter Morgan

With the season finale last night (don't worry, no spoilers ahead), I thought it would be time for me to get over the experience and post the experience of going to the movies with Dexter Morgan. As you will see, it was traumatic and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get through the transcripts while editing. However, I'm stronger than I thought. Dexter and I went to see Step Brothers over the summer.

Before the transcripts begin, I want to point out that Dexter drove as I didn't want to rent a car for my short duration in Miami. He picked me up at the airport and we headed to the theater. Once the movie was over, we got back in his car. He turned the car on and turned towards me claiming to need something from the back seat. I felt a prick on my neck and then everything went from clear to fuzzy to black.

I open my eyes and wait for things to come into focus. An amorphous shape moves around me. I can't move my body. I appear to be strapped down and it's very cold. Once my vision returns, I see I'm in one of Dexter's kill rooms. I'm naked and held down with saran wrap. I see nicely-framed pictures of Kramer from Seinfeld, Karen from Will and Grace, Coach Lubbock from Just the Ten of Us, and the Noxzema Girl from when she was on Earth 2. Dexter walks into view. He stares at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Kevin

Ok, just wait a second.

Dexter

Do you recognize these people?

Kevin

Yeah, they were all on TV.

Dexter

What else?

Kevin

Uh...Oh crap, I had all of those people on Going To The Movies over the years.

Dexter

That's right. But there's more. On May 8, 1998, you went to see Deep Impact with Cosmo Kramer.

Kevin

Yeah, he didn't like Morgan Freeman as President.

Dexter

Good memory. On May 12, 2006, you went to see Keeping Up With The Steins with Karen Walker.

Kevin

We both thought Jeremy Piven deserved better.

Dexter

Stop talking. On April 28, 1990, you went to see Cry Baby with Graham Lubbock and on May 27, 1995, you went to see Johnny Mnemonic with Bess Martin. Does all of that ring a bell?

Kevin

Yes. Are you going to kill me?

Dexter

About one week after you had these people on your little show, their respective shows went off the air. Is that a coincidence?

Kevin

Yes. Umm...the first two shows had already decided they were done long before we went to the movies and the last two were just not popular with the public.

Dexter stands there processing what Kevin just said.

Kevin

Are you doing the inner monologue thing? That works on TV but not so much on this blog. Actually, I think there's a button on my tape recorder for inner monologue. It's a fancy one.

Dexter goes over to the recorder, looks at it, and presses a button.

Dexter (V.O.)

-talk his way out of this. This isn't how this was supposed to go.

Kevin

Please let me go.

Dexter

So my show's not going off the air after this?

Kevin

I don't think so. I heard about a two season renewal from Showtime.

Dexter (V.O.)

Two seasons is pretty good but can I let him go? He knows about my process. What would Harry think? Killing him doesn't fit the code that dear old Dad taught me.

There is a long pause.

Dexter

How does this show work?

Kevin

Really? You're letting me go? Ok, we went to the movies and now we talk about it. What did you think of Step Brothers?

Dexter

I didn't really watch it. I spent the whole time playing out your murder in my head.

Kevin

(swallows)

So you didn't find it engaging. Ok...I felt it was a little short of the brilliance of Anchorman and Talladega Nights but I'm sure with multiple watchings on DVD, it will live up to the talent level involved. There were some very quotable lines in it. Adam Scott was hilarious.

Dexter (V.O.)

Maybe I should kill him.

(out loud)

If you say so.

Kevin

Do you want to go see it again?

Dexter

No. That's ok. I have to get back to the station.

Kevin

Ok. I want to thank Dexter Morgan for being on the show...and not killing me.

(nervous laughter)

I think we will be taking a short break before doing another Going To The Movies as I may need many, many sessions with my therapist. See you soon. Take care.

Dexter cleans up the kill room and walks away. Kevin looks down at his naked, saran-wrapped body.

Kevin

Are you going to cut me loose? This metal table is really cold. Dexter? Hello?