Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Things That Better Not Happen On Lost

This may need a Spoiler Alert as it will probably hit things that have happened. How can it not?

• The smoke monster approaches the temple to complete its mission. As Jack and the others prepare for the worst, Deep Purple emerges to rock the island's socks off.
• John Locke, sitting in front of the computer, gets a command from a higher force that he has to "murder all." Not sure what that means, he types it into Google which suggests "murderball" instead. Locke falls in love with quad rugby and never fulfills his destiny.
• Sawyer takes over for Mystery in a redo of VH1's The Pickup Artist where he replaces the concept of peacocking with drawltagging in which the predator subdues his prey with a fine Southern accent and adorable nicknaming.
• A final flash happens on the island bringing Sun and Jin face to face. Unfortunately, the flash blinded both of them resulting in Sun and Jin never seeing each other again.
• The Dharma shark beaches himself because no one paid him enough attention.
• Richard becomes a spokesman for Cover Girl's new product, Mysterious Eyeland Liner.
• Jack outlasts everyone else on the island in the season finale. As he yells "Why?" to the sky, balloons fall and musical fanfare plays as Jeff Probst congratulates him.
• Walt reappears on the island. Unfortunately, he looks 57 but he's trying to play the 13 he's supposed to be.
• The polar bear corners Hurley in the woods. Hurley closes his eyes to await his doom. Time ticks. He slowly opens his eyes to see the polar bear standing before him offering him a Coke.
• Ben falls down and breaks his jaw. He is not bothered so much by the pain but by the fact that his wired-shut jaw won't allow him to display his open-mouthed emotions.
• Bernard comes down with the wrong kind of jungle fever. Paralysis follows and ultimately death.
• Sayid encounters a bomb and has to defuse it. The majority of the episode focuses on Juliette Binoche praying for his safety as she tends to Ralph Fiennes.
• Kate eludes Edward Mars in every universe. In one universe, Edward chases Kate into a room with no way out. Kate paints a door on the wall and uses it. Edward runs at the door but smashes into the wall.