Remember The 90s Products: House of Pain

This is the first video in a series of commercials from Remember The 90s, a product company helping your favorite music stars from the 90s make some extra scratch. This is the new product from House of Pain with spokesman Everlast.

Thanks to Francesco Marciuliano for directing it and providing me with water to soothe my throat.

Tor's Product Review: Part Fun, Part Onesie. Let's Call It A Funsie!

Babies go to the bathroom in their clothes and it's not their fault. That's why I think it's great that someone came up with this:

There's nothing like teaching your child to deflect blame at the earliest age possible. Is this supposed to be adorable? Think about the poor dog. Can the dog wear a shirt that says, "That baby's a frickin' liar!" Then the fight would be on, t-shirt style. I would continue to rant about this but then I ran across this shirt by the same company:

Nothing takes a messy problem and turns it into a laugh like an outdated shit pun. Am I right?I'm not. There is still poop in that baby's pants! What was the problem? Were these taken?

1. Crapper's Delight
2. Stools Rush In (To My Diaper)
3. A Turd In The Pants Is From Poo In The Tush
4. Carpe BM

Seriously, I weep for society. Leave babies alone. They deal with enough crap that we don't have to call attention to it and mock them.

Going To The Movies: Dr. Gregory House

I went to see Role Models with Dr. House over the weekend. Well, I accompanied him to the movie so that he could watch another doctor (Dr. Wilson?) go on a date. We sat a few rows back of that couple and House barely paid attention to the movie. Also, he told me to keep it down when I laughed and sent me for concessions multiple times.

Though House refused to come down to the studio to discuss the film, he did agree to let me interview him at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He sits across from me with his feet up on the desk repeatedly tossing a red and grey tennis ball up in the air.

Kevin

So, Dr. House, what did you think of the movie?

Dr. House

She was not his type.

Kevin

Are you talking about Elizabeth Banks' character with Paul Rudd?

Dr. House

Hmm? No, Wilson.

Kevin

The doctor we spied on at the-

Dr. House

It wasn't spying. It was research.

Kevin

That's great, Dr. House but I'd really like to continue with this interview.

Dr. House

Fine.

(yells out into hallway)

Kutner!

A younger doctor walks in. He looks like the guy from Harold and Kumar. Frighteningly similar.

Dr. House

Finish my interview.

Dr. Kutner

Is this for a journal?

Dr. House

Sure.

Dr. House gets up, grabs his cane, and leaves. 

Kevin

Uh, Dr. House?

Dr. Kutner

So who are you with? AMA? NEJM?

Kevin

Tor's Take. I take random people to the movies and we discuss them. Excuse me.

I get up and leave Dr. Kutner confused in House's office. I spend a good amount of time tracking down House. Two hours later, I find him watching a soap opera in the coma ward. I had to steal a doctor's uniform to gain access.

Dr. House

(sarcastically)

Hey, you're not a doctor.

Kevin

Are you really going through all of this to avoid the interview? Why did you agree to go to the movies with me?

Dr. House

Free popcorn and Goobers. Look, Keith-

Kevin

It's Kevin.

Dr. House

I'm surprised I was that close. You're a comedian, right? You should give it up. On a good day, five people read your website. You put all that effort in and what do you get? Nothing. You seem somewhat intelligent based on the fact that you got access to the coma ward. You could probably-

Kevin

Are you serious?!? I spend-

Dr. House

Stop it.

Kevin

I will not stop-

Dr. House

Does your eye always twitch like that when you get angry? Are your index fingers angled at the knuckle?

Dr. House gets up and approaches me and looks at my hands. He looks pensive.

Dr. House

Crap.

Kevin

What is it?

Dr. House

I don't know but you're about to pass out.

Dr. House grabs my arm and everything goes black. When I come to, I'm in a bed. It's my bed in my house. There is a video message on my phone. I hit play and Dr. House appears on the screen.

Dr. House

Sorry about that Keith but I didn't have time to keep playing games with you. Wilson was going on another date and I had to leave. You can write that I thought the movie sucked. The idea that helping others will make you a better person is a bunch of Hollywood hooey, contrarily evidenced by myself. Thanks for having me on your show. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds. I'm not kidding.

I throw the phone away from me. It hits the ground and tumbles.

Dr. House

Kidding again. You should use that in one of your skits. That is if you don't quit comedy like you should.

The message ended. I go to my computer and fire up the web cam.

Kevin

I liked the movie Role Models. I thought it was consistently funny and Paul Rudd was hilarious as always. I'd like to acknowledge (but not thank) Dr. House for being my guest. I hope he also returned my car and not just my unconscious body. See you next time on Going To The Movies when my guest will be Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock. That should be fun.

Fred

The following video was a finalist at the UCB Web Video Cram-Off and therefore aired as part of the New York Comedy Festival which is pretty frakkin' cool. You had one week based on the suggestion word "bait" to write, shoot, and edit a sketch. I'd like to thank Morgan Venticinque and Chris Sifflet for being in it as well as myself for writing it.

While this video is a loser, there is still room for it in my heart but it's towards the back of my heart where that slight weakness in the wall is that the doctors wouldn't detect even with a thorough heart examination* and which will kill me early.

* "A thorough heart examination involves removing the heart from the chestal cavity and looking all around it through those fancy magnification glasses that surgeons like to wear when they are doing tiny work." - American Journal of Medicine

I Didn't Think We Can

I descended the stairs today unconsciously singing "Ooh Child." Screaming "Someday!" over and over again on my way to the kitchen, I played back what happened yesterday. Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. 

I felt the same way. Way to take the first step in the right direction, America.

VOTE!!!!!

Voting is very important but don't just take my word for it. Take the word of someone you might be attracted to.

"I like someone who votes. Fixing my bike would be a bonus."

"Pulling the voting handle is good practice for me. See you after you vote."

"Um...woof?"

"Really? You want to get with me? A tree. Well, as long as you vote. Wait a second! I can talk! Oh my gosh! Do you think they'll have me on The View? I love Whoopi! I guess I can just march myself-oh, right....Just vote. I'll be right here."

Well, there you go. Get out there and vote. Someone special might be waiting for you when you get home.

Going To The Movies: Hiro Nakamura

I took Heroes' Hiro Nakamura to see Max Payne with me. I've been meaning to go to the movies with him for a while but he's been too busy sucking the life out of his TV show to make it. Finally, the timing worked out.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Hiro

Thank you for having me.

Kevin's chair falls. He gets up off the ground and sees the chair only has three legs. Someone brings a new chair.

Kevin

What the hell?

Hiro

"Sucking the life out of his TV show."

Kevin

Excuse me?

Hiro

I read the transcript of this show.

Kevin

You went forward in time just to read how this conversation was going to go and then you froze time to saw the leg off of my chair? 

Hiro smiles and nods.

Kevin

You really are a waste of superpowers.

Kevin is all of a sudden naked.

Kevin

And now you've undressed me. This is real mature.

(crosses legs)

We should talk about the movie. How did you feel about it?

Hiro

A hero does not act like that. A hero is not reckless.

Kevin

Yeah, but with your back against the wall and nothing to lose, don't you do whatever it takes to remove evil?

Hiro

A hero must be mentally strong and maintain honor. The forces of evil want you to be aggressive and not think properly. It is a hero's duty to resist the temptation to-

Kevin

(yawns loudly)

Sweet crap, you're more boring in person than on screen.

(losing patience)

Did you like the movie? Yes or no.

Hiro

The purpose of-

Kevin

(angrier)

Yes or no.

Hiro

No.

Kevin

Fine. To recap, I liked it. Hiro didn't. I want to thank Hiro Nakamura for being on the show. I wish him luck saving the world as dully as possible.

A lion roars from off camera.

Kevin

(incredulous)

You put a lion on the set.

Hiro

(smiling)

And he's hungry.

Hiro disappears from his seat. The roar gets louder.

Kevin

(frozen in place)

I hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies. Someone call animal control.