Happy New Year's from all of us at Tor's Take! It's time to make proclamations that none of us are going to keep, I mean, am I riiighhh(incoherent coughs and harrumphs)? Here they are, dammit.
Be more consistent with my 2010 letter shorthand.
Find a nice girl and settle down.
Guess correctly on a "How Many Jelly Beans Are In This Barrel?" contest.
Shoot a sheriff and admit to it melodically.
Get a parole officer to keep me focused.
Give back to the world with more popular YouTube videos.
Teach a homeless man how to recycle his home so that he will recycle forever.
Punch Jeff Daniels.
Break a mirror to get 7 years bad luck thus ensuring the world won't end in 2012. You're welcome, everyone!
Market my new video game, Stand-Up Hero, for XBox 360, Wii, and Playstation 3.
Stage an intervention for Krazy Glue.
Set up meeting with Coach and Louis Vuitton to create a stylish bindle as part of a Hobo Couture collection.
Take over at least 2 of Tiger Woods' lost endorsements.
Lead a New Jersey invasion hell-bent on overtaking and absorbing Pennsylvania.
Perform in a 16 city tour of a 2-person Vaudeville show with William Peterson entitled "Tor-Pete-o."
Make baked ziti.
Finally rid the world of stereotypes by replacing them with iPodtypes (for the kids!).
Make sure people never forget Michael Jackson.
Get a blank check from Miguel Ferrer and spend 90 minutes eluding him and Tone Loc.
Start campaign to make Alex Trebek a contestant on "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" to put him in his stupid place.
Learn a parlor trick.
Have tea with any available queen.
Free the puppets from the tyrannical rule of Metallica. 24 years is enough.
I did this last year and it was a big hit with my readers (Read: wife and mother). So I thought I would do it again but this year I'm going to make it like a test. I will tweet the questions and I will put the answers here for you (Read: wife and mother) to check. Happy Birthday to me!!
1) I woke up to
a) my wife bringing me breakfast in bed.
b) my wife snoring loudly with her back turned.
Answer: b - But here's the whole story: Loly woke up early and made me pancakes, bacon, waffles, steak, ham, lasagna, and home fries just like I like every morning. However, when she went to get the orange juice, she found out we were out of it so she put everything down the garbage disposal and went back to bed. Understandable and the right move. A for Affort. God, she snores loudly.
2) True or False - Every year, my parents give me a different flavor of Baskin Robbins on my birthday not expecting me to live past this year.
Answer: False - I don't like ice cream.
3) What's the best birthday present I've ever gotten?
a) my wife's love
b) my Toyota Camry
c) original Nintendo
d) 3 way tie
Answer: No way it could be a 3-way tie. The answer is c) Original Nintendo - I can't begin to describe the joy I felt when I opened this present. I was probably the last of my friends to get it because my dad thought it would make me a shut-in but he caved. I played so much Mario and while I do love a practical car, it does not compare. Oh right, my wife told me she loved me on a day in February. Just a regular day. Totally wasted that one. She's not good at waiting.
4) Where am I going to lunch with my parents and grandpa?
a) Houlihan's
b) Penthouse Strip Club
c) Friendly's
Answer: a) Though my wife tells me the steaks are great there, we will be passing on the Penthouse Strip Club because my grandpa doesn't like to go to the city. And Friendly's is just more ice cream. I was seeing if you were paying attention to the whole quiz. Anyway, I love me some Houlihan's chicken fingers! The best best best honey mustard sauce ever!! EVER!!
5) What is my biggest wish for 2010?
a) fame
b) healthy baby
c) xbox 360
d) why can't I have them all?
Answer: b) What am I? A monster? Of course I want a healthy baby over an Xbox 360. That would be ridiculous. Now, as for Fame, I meant the DVD of the fantastic remake of the TV show so of course I want a healthy baby over that. I don't care how good Frasier was in in it.
6) Essay - What would be my perfect birthday?
Loly wakes up early and makes me pancakes, bacon, waffles, steak, ham, lasagna, and home fries but this time with orange juice, thank you very much. (You should have gotten this part if you were playing along today. Just saying.) I eat my large breakfast while watching "Anchorman" twice, back-to-back. (It's a big breakfast and I want to savor it.)
Then I take a bath using Watermelon Elmo Bubble Bath. It leaves me feeling baby soft and smelling like a jolly rancher. After I run around the house, both to air dry and avoid my licking dogs, I take Loly to a park where we recreate "I'll Cover You" from the wonderful musical "Rent." I'm sure it's self-explanatory who will sing what parts.
After the applause from the other people at the park dies down, we get lunch at Houlihan's because I love their chicken fingers with honey mustard. I let Loly get Snickers Crunch Pie because I like to share my daily joy with the love of my life and, also, she's paying.
Needing some exercise, Loly takes me to the miniature golf course that Happy Gilmore plays in the movie. I've always wanted to play mini-golf there. Haven't you?
We are there for a while because I keep winning free rounds on the 18th hole. In fact, when I leave they make a rule limiting the amount of free rounds a person can win. It is called the "18th LimiTortion."
We go to dinner at Calle Ocho for delicious steak with an egg on it. Loly has dessert again.
My birthday ends with Loly and I getting into bed. She rolls over, looks me in the eye, hesitates, and oh so slowly tells me I'm funny. We say good night and I fall asleep hoping to dream about the day all over again.
I was on Yahoo and they had an article "10 Things Husbands Should Never Do" from Woman's Day. As a husband to a great wife, I decided to click on it. Loly and I perused the article together. She decided it was the most sexist thing she's ever read. (What a drama queen. Right, fellas?) Anyway, what's crazy is that it was much better than the original draft the columnist handed in. Tor's Take was able to get a copy to show you. Enjoy (though you probably shouldn't).
Guys, we love you, we really do. Please believe us! You just have to! But as wonderful and superior as you are, sometimes you do things that upset us. Yes, we know how silly it is because everything upsets us because we rely too much on our feelings as you constantly (and rightly so) remind us. But please hear us out as we don't get to write things very often because we never have important things to say. Sorry I'm going on and on but you know how we like to yammer when we get a soapbox. We promise this won't get in the way of dinner. Please, please, don't ever...
1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. It drives us crazy when you do this. You work hard all day to provide us with the materials to tend to your nutritional and comfort needs. Why would you have to do this too? Your job is to be the kids' favorite because you never play the bad guy. Our job is to nurture them for 18 years while you judge the job we do. So watch the game. We'll get your beer, slippers, and chips for you.
2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. There's no need to imply this. Of course it's harder. You need a degree to get an office job and that's something our brains aren't equipped to obtain. That's why we took an easy class like home economics in high school while you took that manly wood shop class where you learned how to build your own office out of wood or so we think. We also appreciate how you dumb down your answer to "How was your day, honey?" to "Fine" because anything more than that would give us a headache and not allow us to satisfy you properly in bed later.
3. Give a home appliance as a gift. First off, that would be like 3 or 4 gifts as they are expensive. However, we don't deserve material things. For what? Birthdays? You don't want us to get older so why celebrate that? For anniversaries? Your staying with us for ANY amount of time is present enough. The appliances that we have now are more than sufficient for getting our jobs done and, if they break, it is our fault for not using them properly. Everyone knows that.
4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. We refer you back to the gift argument. Besides, your telling us how old we're getting is more than enough.
5. Brag about your driving. You are a fantastic driver. That's why we didn't argue when you took our license away. With grocery stores delivering these days, we don't need to be out on the road endangering the other males of society. That being said, we don't need you bragging about your driving prowess. We'd be more than happy to tell you how great a driver you are from the passenger seat you graciously allow us to inhabit. Shall we mark you down for a complement every 10 minutes? Splendid.
6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. Oh God, don't be unimpressed! We'll make you another one in a jiffy. Watch TV and a new delicious dinner will be in front of you before you know it. Don't be mad. How about we let your younger, more attractive secretary join us in the bedroom? Would that calm you down? Consider it done. You can even vocally compare our bodies. We don't mind.
7. Buy clothes without trying them on. There's no need for you to buy clothes. We can make them from scratch for less money. Then you can use that money to go out to bars and cheat on us. Looking in the mirror in the morning, we know that we're not enough woman for you. So let us make you something fancy so you can trade up.
8. Know it all, especially in public. We know how much smarter you are than us. There is no need to show this in public. It's a waste of your time. You can be using this time to talk bad about us to your friends, complain about the shortcomings of your favorite football team, or, again, find a sexier mistress.
9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. This really upsets us because it's not the haircut that's the problem. It's the whole package. We do hours of yoga and pilates but it's not going to make enough of a difference. We know the haircut is pointless but we have to try something. Suicide is the right answer but then who will take care of the kids while you're out working or dating? We have to think of you.
10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Don't expect a medal because it spoils the surprise. We've been in the garage (using all of our "outdoor time" for the week) smelting you a medal for putting your clothes in the hamper and you ruin everything by expecting it. Women have so few joys in life - satisfying you in bed at any cost, watching you eat, humming to ourselves, greeting you at the door, and making you a "World's Most Generous Husband" medal by melting down all the jewelry our mothers and grandmothers passed on to us. Don't destroy what little happiness our gender deserves by taking that away.
Wow. That was definitely much worse than what they published. It almost makes the published version seem progressive and pro-feminism. I guess well done, Women's Day, and you might want to look into getting counseling for the columnist.
I found this on the front page of YouTube before and it made me smile.
It's like looking up into the sky and seeing the same shooting star that another person somewhere in the world is seeing right before they call you stupid and gay.
Yes, that's Freshwater Picnic's American Apparel version of the Gap Holiday Commercial! The Huffington Post thought we were funny! And they were right to think that! Thanks to the Huffington Post for putting it up! Here is a link to the article.
If you'd like to watch it again for the first time...
This is the last holiday sketch and last sketch of the year from my new sketch group, Freshwater Picnic. Please enjoy it and we'll see you with many, many more videos in 2010!
Late one Christmas eve, Jimmy Freeman stayed up late to see Santa as he delivered presents. What Jimmy didn't know was that his Mom was also waiting for the 'Big Guy' as well. Needless to say, he saw his mother kissing Santa Claus and after that night, Jimmy's life has never been the same.
I never got into Curb Your Enthusiasm and I have never watched Chappelle's Show so I apologize for them not being on this list. I also left off shows that started in the 90s, like Family Guy and According to Jim (har dee har). Finally, shows like Community, Better Off Ted, Parks and Recreation, and Modern Family have only just gotten started. They may belong here one day.
Honorable Mention:
Ed - The only hour-long I even considered. I really loved this show. Ed and Mike made me want to have $10 bets with people. Also, there's the Michael Ian Black effect. They filmed this show in Jersey which makes it even more lovely. Hell, I married a lawyer. Still waiting for her to open a bowling alley. I love red pin nights.
Andy Barker, P.I. - Andy Richter kept getting chances to be a sitcom star and none of them worked out. Some of them deserved a little more time and this was one of them. An accountant who was bored with his life and gets mistaken for a P.I. should have worked. Was the accountant angle where they went wrong? HBO seems to think so. Anyway, I loved how they used everything at the strip mall to solve cases and anything with Tony Hale is good.
Undeclared - Judd Apatow's second attempt after Freaks and Geeks was short-lived and very funny. My favorite episode was when Marshall entered the talent show on Parents Weekend. It was his way of showing them he wanted to grow up to be a Beck-like musician. That song will be in my head forever. Even on DVD, this show didn't get its due. They put the episodes in the wrong order on the discs. Nicely done, network.
My Name Is Earl - A fantastic show that had 1 down season and 3 great ones. Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, and Eddie Steeples kept me entertained every week. This show had heart and Greg Garcia deserves another show. There were rumors that TNT or TBS were going to keep it going and it was a mistake that they passed.
Top 10
10. Flight of the Conchords - This show was so simple. The humor was so easy. It never felt like it was stretching to make a joke. Sure concepts were weird but the behavior was right. And who will ever forget that love is like a roll of tape?
9. Scrubs - This started off as a great show, then had a down and a half a down season (end of the NBC run) and came back strong for its final season on ABC. The current show is a spin-off so it doesn't count. My best friend and I have had a steak night. We've sung "Guy Love" to each other. We own leather Eddie Murphy Raw suits. This show could make you cry and silly laugh in the same episode. That's not easy to do.
8. How I Met Your Mother - This show has been hurt by the laugh track. You’ll also notice that it’s the only show I have on here that has one. There is joy in this show. You can tell the cast likes being there. They are allowed to laugh at things that are funny which other sitcoms don’t do. And deriving a song out of the Slap Bet on Slapsgiving is something that gets me in the laugh region.
7. Weeds - Does my crush on Mary Louise Parker help this show? Of course. She’s beautiful and, if you weren’t in Almost Famous Mr. Crudup, I’d dislike you. Anyway, this show is smart and the supporting cast is tops. Andy, the brother-in-law, is a scene-stealer. Could I have made a show about a pot-dealing mom last 5 seasons? No, but that’s why there’s TV writers. They do it for me.
6. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - This is a show that started off with 4 and moved up to 5 unlikeable characters. There is not one redeemable person on this show and yet it works. How? And find me a better yeller on TV than Charlie Day and I’ll give you a medal that says, “Meticulous Searcher For Entertaining TV Yeller.” It may be hitting a creative wall but that happens when you set the bar so high.
5. The Office (U.S.) - This show was under the huge shadow of its British origin but it has grown out of it and into its own being. There is room in the world for both and people with open minds can see that. I would be lying if I said that Pam and Jim’s wedding didn’t make me cry. I’ve become invested in these characters and they make me laugh every week.
4. Andy Richter Controls The Universe - A travesty. This show got 19 randomly released episodes before it was cancelled and those were some of the funniest episodes I’ve ever seen. I know this sounds clichéd but I think TV wasn’t ready for it. It did the visible imagination thing infinitely better than Ally McBeal and should be owned on DVD by everyone that loves comedy. Fortunately, the guy who made this is behind "Better Off Ted," one of the funniest shows on TV right now.
3. The Office (U.K.) - While there is room for both versions, this is leaps and bounds better than the U.S. one. The uncomfortable, squirmy scenes make you cover your eyes and wish they would be over. It took me about 2 or 3 episodes to get used to the accent and manner of talking but once I managed that, I was hooked and watched all the episodes in a couple of days. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are unparalleled comedy geniuses.
2. 30 Rock - This show is pure comedy. It’s silly. It has so many jokes in an episode, you can’t possibly catch them all. Though I’m sure Dr. Spaceman has a pill that can help you try. Sure the writer’s room is funny and Tracey Morgan is ridiculous. Kenneth the page isn’t so bad, either. But it’s all about Tina Fey. She made a masterpiece that I can’t believe is still on the air. It’s too good to last this long. Speaking of which…
1. Arrested Development - It’s not even close. In the same way I speak of Anchorman in my 2000s movies column, this is perfectly written. There are jokes interwoven throughout this series that human beings shouldn’t be able to plan. I don’t think there is one bad moment, one bad line, one bad reaction in any episode. This show should be studied and then attempts should be made to replicate the excellence. Even halfway decent stabs at making a show like this will be better than most of the stuff we watch nightly. Fie on the network for stopping the show. There is supposed to be a movie in the future and, sure it will be fantastic, but we deserve to be watching Season 7 right now.
Freshwater Picnic can't stop making videos. Everyone has seen the Gap holiday ads on TV but no one has seen the American Apparel ad that actually inspired them. Check it out!
I started the week with Part 1 of my Top 20 Comedies of the Aughts. You saw 11-20 but you were really waiting for the Top 10. Hear it comes.
Tor's Top Ten Comedies of the 2000s
10. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Lion face! Lemon face! The return of Suzanne! Some Star Wars people! Kevin Smith gave us what was supposed to be the end of Jay and Silent Bob (it's cool, Clerks 2). If I can have the life of Kevin Smith, minus the comic books and graphic public speaking about sex with my wife, I will be a very happy man.
9. Wedding Crashers - Christopher Walken notices the ropes on a tethered Vince Vaughn and makes a face that put this movie in this position on the list. Sure, Rachel McAdams became one of my favorite famous people and Isla Fisher bought her forgiveness for "Confessions of a Shopaholic." Oh, and Vince Vaughn is fantastic in the football game. Did you know he can make it rain? But it will always be Walken.
8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Everyone remembers the Dracula musical but what about the killing the pig part? Or Jack McBrayer punishing himself for sex? Or Paul Rudd being Paul Rudd? Or the fake cop show scenes? Veronica Mars needs to make more movies.
7. Step Brothers - "Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus." And Richard Jenkins wanting to grow up to be a dinosaur. All that needs to be said.
6. Superbad - Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg essentially wrote this when they were 13. When I was 13, I would have written a script that could be described using the title. I could also watch Michael Cera sing "These Eyes" all the way through instead of just a snippet. Make that happen. Why isn't Michael Cera on Glee? Oh right, because he's super famous.
5. Knocked Up - As much as I dislike the Heigl, this movie is beautiful. Charlyne Yi wondering if the pregnant lady gets mad at the baby for taking her food is brilliant. Also, if it weren't for this movie, we wouldn't have Jenna Elfman's new CBS comedy and where would we be then? Same place? Probably.
4. Elf - Did the fact that it's the holidays put this higher on the list? No. This movie is impossible to watch without smiling. It's joy in a DVD. Now, if only Jon Favreau would take his major successes and write a movie about a human-sized elf that wears a suit of armor and flies from Vegas hotel room to Vegas hotel room making it with any woman he finds, I'd be satisfied.
3. 40 Year Old Virgin - Could there be a tie for second? Every time I say something stupid in an improv scene, I think to myself, "bag of sand! c'mon, man." Then I smile and get ready to make another stupid move. I feel like this list needs more Paul Rudd. One more thing - platform gogo boots with dead fish floating in the heels.
2. Old School - Earmuffs! Going streaking! Ribbon gymnastics! This movie gets lost in the Apatow/McKay comedies that followed. People remember Old School but they don't remember how great it is. And if I told you one of the three main guys would be making AT&T commercials instead of movies in 5 years, would you have chosen Luke Wilson? Of course you would have.
1. Anchorman - Personally, there should be no other movies on this list. There should only be one comedy movie that comes out of the 2000s and all others should be destroyed and forgotten. Anchorman is the perfect comedy. It has a perfect script. There is not a wasted line. Everything is funny and continues to be funny on every watch. I could never make something like Anchorman but I will strive to do so for the rest of my comedy days. I even love the oddly thrown together second Anchorman movie comprised of footage that didn't make it into the final cut. (There was another plot with robbers!) Don't get me started on the dinosaur PSA. I've seen this movie more than any movie ever made and it's still not enough. I'm going to watch it right now and you should, too. Stop reading.
Freshwater Picnic is back with some non-Twilight videos. Betcha didn't see that coming. Bet the first word of that last sentence really angered my blog's spellcheck program. The videos pay homage to the greatness that is the Coors Light Press Conference commercials with the different football coaches. They're great.*
These are to be viewed in the order they appear. It's a series!
* Spellcheck should have changed this to "not great."
It's the end of the decade and Tor's Take, the foremost blog on Kevin Tor's thoughts, has decided to compile some lists. People make lists at the end of the year and decade so why should I be any exception? We will start with my 20 favorite comedies of the last decade (along with some honorable mentions).
Honorable Mention:
She's the Man - Amanda Bynes at her finest. Love this movie. And best tampon to stop a bloody nose scene. All others are copiers.
Saving Silverman - Steve Zahn and Neil Diamond in the same movie!
Just Friends - Anna Faris makes this movie work. Darla!
Simpsons Movie - Made us remember what the Simpsons used to be when it was great every week.
Team America - Puppet sex is funny sex.
Clerks 2 - I just love Kevin Smith so much. He needs to be on here twice. Foreshadowing?
Hangover - Some will say this belongs on the list. I may agree with them once I'm able to rewatch it multiple times but I wasn't as over the moon for it as everyone else was so I can't do it for now.
Semi-Pro - For every scene with Dick Pepperfield is amazing.
Road Trip - Do I want to punish Todd Phillips? No. I just couldn't fit it. This is number 21 for me.
20-11
20. Shaun of the Dead - Revolutionized zombie movies. Made Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright as famous as they should be. And, if your best friend gets turned into a mindless zombie, this shows you the right way to handle it. Pay attention, my friends.
19. O Brother, Where Art Thou? - The best Coen Brothers movie in my opinion. George Clooney as the paterfamilias. Tim Blake Nelson thinking John Turturro was a toad. The fight at the Woolsworth. And amazing music.
18. Wet Hot American Summer - Can a movie get on my list based on a single scene where Paul Rudd has to clean up his meal? Absolutely. However, there is so much more to this movie. I love the State and I will never make a comedy list that doesn't involve them in some way. Zac Orth is also genius in this.
17. School of Rock - There was a time when Jack Black could play Jack Black in a movie and everyone would laugh and clap. This was that time. It helps that Mike White wrote the movie for him. Added bonus - iCarly's in it.
16. Dodgeball - I used to play a lot of dodgeball. I was good at it. Usually a first pick in gym class. Don't believe me? I don't blame you. Turns out in my late teens, I traded athleticism for humor. (I may not have gotten enough in return.) Hey, other people making movies, put Jimmy James in more of them.
15. Zoolander - Hansel was so hot right then. This movie may be the reason why I watch Project Runway now. It made fashion and modeling accessible to comedy likers. It also made me realize that gas hose fights are more dangerous than fun.
14. Van Wilder - Write this down. Van Wilder is good. Ryan Reynolds owned this movie and made it very rewatchable. A pre-train wreck Tara Reid is also enjoyable. (She was in The Big Lebowski. How is that possible?). It also doesn't hurt to have Kal Penn involved which leads me to...
13. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle - My dad used to bring home White Castle as a surprise every once and a while. I got sick every time I ate it but it was worth it. Those little burgers taste so good and I don't need illegal narcotics to crave it. The other testament to this movie is that I don't care for drug humor and it still works for me.
12. Hot Rod - You're The Voice! I can watch that scene over and over. This movie is the movie that you make when studios aren't involved (yet studios were involved). The first time I saw it, I thought it was dumb. But I have seen it many times since and it gets better and better. If you ask me to make this list again in a few years, I bet this challenges the Top 5.
11. Talladega Nights - This is the Sasha Baron Cohen I can stand to see multiple times. "My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use." Other things that are superb - Children named Walker and Texas Ranger, the Baby Jesus grace, Amy Adams, not knowing what to do with your hands in an interview, invisible fire. I can go on and on. Why is this not in my Top 10?
Tune in tomorrow for the Top 10 Tor Comedies of the Aughts...
A Chinese news station made a full reenactment of what they think happened to cause the Tiger Woods car accident. It is amazing.
It is something straight out of the SIMS. My favorite part is when Tiger is thinking about the mistress while Elin yells at him. A thought bubble? Genius. Well done, not United States!
In this, the last song from our Twilight musical, Edward and Jacob face off in an epic duel. Does it end in a large fight with awesome special effects where I turn into a werewolf? No, I have at most 10 dollars to put into any video and you can't make that kind of stuff happen. Come on, man, get your head in the game!
This is song three in the Freshwater Picnic "New Moon Musical." Bella is left by Edward and the pain of losing him is tearing through her chest. What???!?!?! Watch it. It's a fantastic song. Kudos to Abby Holland (Bella) and Ash Louis (Guitarist).
