Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ben And Jerry's Is The Breast! (I Totally Went There.)

PETA asked Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk to make their ice cream instead of the traditionally tasty cow milk. Few things could get me out of my current lifestyle of sitting on the couch and watching TV waiting for Comedy Central to call me* but this is one of them. You see, women only produce milk when they are pregnant (unless something's severely wrong and then they should see a doctor) and a man would be needed to do the impregnating. I can do this job. My wife would be fine with it because she loves ice cream and I'd probably get an awesome employee discount. Also, it's always been a dream of mine to be a stud. Almost nothing about my appearance screams "stud" but if it's my title, people would be forced to acknowledge it. Do you hear that, High School? I'm a stud! In your it's-been-so-long-I-should-let-it-go faces! 

My days would have lots of lady sexing. So much of it. My diet would consist entirely of water, pumpkin seeds, and penicillin. I would always wear kilts and be like Arnold Schwarzeneggar in a 1985 movie underneath them. In between woman fertilizing, I would sleep, get massages, and watch reruns of "The Other Half." It would be the life. 

I wonder what happens to the babies once they start popping out. Aah, that's Ben and Jerry's problem.

*It would definitely be a wrong number but I would charm them as evidenced by this script:


Comedy Central
This is Comedy Central. Is Mike Birbiglia** there?

No, but this is your lucky day because, compared to me, he'd look like Mike Bir-small-lia.

Comedy Central
That's pretty funny. Who are you?

The name's Kevin Tor and I'm the future of your network.

** I also would be ready for Brian Regan, John Mulaney, and Tom Papa.

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