My days would have lots of lady sexing. So much of it. My diet would consist entirely of water, pumpkin seeds, and penicillin. I would always wear kilts and be like Arnold Schwarzeneggar in a 1985 movie underneath them. In between woman fertilizing, I would sleep, get massages, and watch reruns of "The Other Half." It would be the life.
I wonder what happens to the babies once they start popping out. Aah, that's Ben and Jerry's problem.
*It would definitely be a wrong number but I would charm them as evidenced by this script:
This is Comedy Central. Is Mike Birbiglia** there?
No, but this is your lucky day because, compared to me, he'd look like Mike Bir-small-lia.
That's pretty funny. Who are you?
The name's Kevin Tor and I'm the future of your network.
** I also would be ready for Brian Regan, John Mulaney, and Tom Papa.