Tor Baby Countdown: 32 Days

The baby in my wife's belly moves a lot. The doctor says there is no such thing as too much movement so I assume we're fine. Every night before we go to sleep (10 pm), my wife and I lie in bed and watch the belly. This is what it reminds me of.

There are times where some part of the baby moves from one side of the belly to the other. If Kevin Bacon and the dad from "Family Ties" were there, it would totally be a scene from Tremors. The baby's probably not going to pop through the skin and kill me but I'm not going to get too close for safety's sake. Also, in case the baby is a subterranean carnivore, how do I go about putting a onesie on it?

It would explain why my wife is so uncomfortable.

Sometimes the baby will poke arms and legs out at different points of the belly. It's good to know that she's got that kind of reach. The way the belly bulges looks like a bunch of squirrels fighting in a sack. It's almost cartoonish but it's not. If this was a cartoon, during birth the doctor would surf out of the delivery room when the water broke while the nurses danced 60s beach movie-style. Then a flag would pop out of my wife's area that says "Born!" and we'd laugh.

How did she sneak a gun into my wife's uterus?

There is also a bounce which is a ripple away from making me think a T-Rex is coming. It's a quick pop of the belly. It's violent and it got me in the ear once when I was trying to hear the baby's heartbeat. These are the quick jabs of a future boxer. Mo Cuishle Tor.

I wanted a Million Dollar Baby picture but this one was more ridiculous.

Finally, there's the one I call "the miracle." I use it to describe every movement. Let's get sticky and slide down the side of a tree because it's time to get sappy. It is amazing to watch this person inside my wife let us know she's in there. It is the highlight of my day right above Sporstcenter and writing a good tweet. I look forward to it. Is it 10pm yet?

Rejected Young Money Lyrics

There is a hit song on the radio now by Young Money called "Bed Rock." The chorus contains the lyric, "Call me Mr. Flinstone. I can make your bed rock." This is very clever. What people don't know is that there were several failed attempts at cartoon-inspired innuendo before they landed on "The Flintstones." Read them and the reasoning behind passing on them below.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Mr. Jetson. I can make your Ass-tro."

Reasoning Against: Well it has the word "ass" but a "tro" isn't anything especially not a verb.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Liono. I can make your Mum rah."

Reasoning Against: It's for when you have a thing for British mothers and also for less enthusiastic cheerleaders so you get both. Still confusing.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Captain Baloo. I can make that Tail Spin."

Reasoning Against: It's pretty good but there's a hint of bestiality.

Bad Lyric: "Call me G.I. Joe. I can make my Cobra Command Her."

Reasoning Against: Clever but there's really no one called G.I. Joe so this falls apart. Also the lyric is supposed to be aimed at a girl not someone in the third person.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Gargamel. I can make your Stinky Smurf."

Reasoning Against: This might actually be an insult when translated from Smurf-speak.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Hanna-Barbara. I want to give you my Chilly Willy."

Reasoning Against: It doesn't really sell you to the woman as cold things are not appetizing as evidenced by bras in the freezer pranks.