American Idol Season 9 - Top 10 (Elimination)

We opened with a ridiculous montage comparing Simon Cowell to the Kraken which is stupid because the Kraken would never leave American Idol. Ruben Studdard came back to the stage with a performance that should have gotten him eliminated instead of the one who went home. Usher danced. Diddy lip-synched. It was a magical hour. My only problem is that they have to cram it all in to one hour. Why rush it? Let's make this a 4-hour results show and really take our time. I should talk to the producers.

Bottom 3:

Katie Stevens - I'm allowed to not like someone's singing voice. Maybe Simon's right. Maybe she should sing country. At the very least, we should have Simon and Kara debate this a few more times. I fear she is going home next week, leap-frogging over Tim and off the Idol stage.

Tim Urban - Smiles made it through another week. When I first saw him look into the camera with that "I'm a moth and that light is so beautiful" drugged-up stare, I knew he was Top 9 material. Didn't you?

Didi Benami - America hates tears. We're not some wussy country trying to get in touch with our feelings. This is a manly country and we pee standing up into the Atlantic Ocean (because Florida is our penis). Didi fell fast. She did not deserve to go home yet. She's had a few good performances which can't be said for Tim, Katie, or Andrew.

Final Thought: Well, I got the Bottom Three right. Just got the elimination wrong. It's not easy being a girl on American Idol. The teens sitting at home developing unhealthy crushes are all focused on the guys. That's how Tim keeps going. Next week's theme is songs from the McCartney/Lennon songbook. Does this mean Aaron Kelly will be doing an inferior "Imagine" to David Archuleta's the way he did an inferior "Ain't No Sunshine" to Kris Allen's? Will Big Mike glue a mop top onto his head like the purple strip he did last night? Will Casey James play electric guitar? Will Siobhan go with "I've Got A Feeling" so she can say the song dictated a scream and she had to do it? Will Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze sing 4 times each instead of letting the others go? I'm tuning in to see!

American Idol Season 9 - Top 10

It was Usher week and he did a good job as evidenced by the strong performances tonight. There were three clear great ones tonight (Andrew, Lee, and Crystal). Andrew owes a lot of that to Usher. I'm also concerned about Ryan and his hosting. He seemed to have found a good balance but lately he's been extra on the contestants' side. He has attacked the judges (Simon) and tried to pull tears from the singers (Didi) or point out their illnesses (Lee). He needs to go back to simply hosting and figuring out new ways to emphasize the "Am" in "This. Is. American Idol."

Siobhan Magnus - "Through The Fire" - This was the worst she's been all season. I didn't like her in previous weeks but at least she was doing something interesting. This was just bad. She's also going the American Idol Mikalah Gordon make-up route (See below). She will benefit from Simon being excessively mean to her.

Casey James - "Hold On, I'm Comin'" - He is Mr. Consistent. Never good enough to be the best of the night and never bad enough to be in the Bottom 3. Pretty soon the middle won't exist, Casey.

Big Mike - "I'm Ready For Love" - Just the titles he picks make me want to punch him in the face. He says the guitar is his "bread and butter." Fun fact - This was his 3rd guitar of the day after he ate the first two for carbs. Using a stool and guitar kept his limbs occupied so he couldn't do anything annoying and corny. It was smart. Next week, maybe he'll use handcuffs and put his feet in cement like he pissed off the mob. Best performance by him for me.

Didi Benami - "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" - Very theater-y. It's broken, not barrohken. Didi is not sticking to the stuff that made her good. If she makes it to next week, I want her to bring her guitar back. Hopefully, Big Mike won't eat it.

Tim Urban - "Sweet Love" - He stares at the camera like American Idol will disappear if he blinks. I think I speak for viewers when I say it's time to blink. Blink, Tim! That was an awful performance. Awful.

Andrew Garcia - "Forever" - He finally got back to himself. This is the Andrew that I like. A pep talk from Usher doesn't hurt. How do I get an Usher pep talk? Is there a 900 number I can call? It wasn't amazing but it was very solid and got him back in the hunt.

Katie Stevens - "Chain of Fools" - She is just an old soul. It's too bad that soul can't sing well. She's so boring. It's like watching paint sing. Or grass sing. I can't take it much longer.

Lee DeWyze - "Treat Her Like a Lady" - He won the night. I'm so happy he got away from last week's performance style. I was worried because the judges praised him but he went back to what makes him comfortable. I just wish his right leg wasn't keeping 3-16 time. It's like he's trying to pump a bike tire before the bullies get him.

Crystal Bowersox - "Midnight Train to Georgia" - She was very good but she was the most hesitant I've seen her. It was minimal but she did not like standing up. It could have been the shoes. Hippies are afraid of heights. That's why they are such fans of grass.

Aaron Kelly - "Ain't No Sunshine" - Why would you try this song after Kris Allen did it so well just one season ago? It was dull. Usher gave him awesome advice and then he didn't use it. That's why he went the opposite way Andrew did this week. Even the chipmunks raced off the stage. Didn't even finish putting Aaron's picnic together.

Bottom Three: This week was much better than last week. It proves once and for all that Usher is better than Miley Cyrus. Let's all agree now. I believe Tim Urban and Katie Stevens will return to the Bottom Three. And it's time to welcome someone new - Didi Benami. I think she's fine but she needs a good scare.

Going Home: Tim Urban

Top 10 TV Comedies of the Aughts

I never got into Curb Your Enthusiasm and I have never watched Chappelle's Show so I apologize for them not being on this list. I also left off shows that started in the 90s, like Family Guy and According to Jim (har dee har). Finally, shows like Community, Better Off Ted, Parks and Recreation, and Modern Family have only just gotten started. They may belong here one day.

Honorable Mention:

Ed - The only hour-long I even considered. I really loved this show. Ed and Mike made me want to have $10 bets with people. Also, there's the Michael Ian Black effect. They filmed this show in Jersey which makes it even more lovely. Hell, I married a lawyer. Still waiting for her to open a bowling alley. I love red pin nights.

Andy Barker, P.I. - Andy Richter kept getting chances to be a sitcom star and none of them worked out. Some of them deserved a little more time and this was one of them. An accountant who was bored with his life and gets mistaken for a P.I. should have worked. Was the accountant angle where they went wrong? HBO seems to think so. Anyway, I loved how they used everything at the strip mall to solve cases and anything with Tony Hale is good.

Undeclared - Judd Apatow's second attempt after Freaks and Geeks was short-lived and very funny. My favorite episode was when Marshall entered the talent show on Parents Weekend. It was his way of showing them he wanted to grow up to be a Beck-like musician. That song will be in my head forever. Even on DVD, this show didn't get its due. They put the episodes in the wrong order on the discs. Nicely done, network.

My Name Is Earl - A fantastic show that had 1 down season and 3 great ones. Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, and Eddie Steeples kept me entertained every week. This show had heart and Greg Garcia deserves another show. There were rumors that TNT or TBS were going to keep it going and it was a mistake that they passed.

Top 10

10. Flight of the Conchords - This show was so simple. The humor was so easy. It never felt like it was stretching to make a joke. Sure concepts were weird but the behavior was right. And who will ever forget that love is like a roll of tape?

9. Scrubs - This started off as a great show, then had a down and a half a down season (end of the NBC run) and came back strong for its final season on ABC. The current show is a spin-off so it doesn't count. My best friend and I have had a steak night. We've sung "Guy Love" to each other. We own leather Eddie Murphy Raw suits. This show could make you cry and silly laugh in the same episode. That's not easy to do.

8. How I Met Your Mother - This show has been hurt by the laugh track. You’ll also notice that it’s the only show I have on here that has one. There is joy in this show. You can tell the cast likes being there. They are allowed to laugh at things that are funny which other sitcoms don’t do. And deriving a song out of the Slap Bet on Slapsgiving is something that gets me in the laugh region.

7. Weeds - Does my crush on Mary Louise Parker help this show? Of course. She’s beautiful and, if you weren’t in Almost Famous Mr. Crudup, I’d dislike you. Anyway, this show is smart and the supporting cast is tops. Andy, the brother-in-law, is a scene-stealer. Could I have made a show about a pot-dealing mom last 5 seasons? No, but that’s why there’s TV writers. They do it for me.

6. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - This is a show that started off with 4 and moved up to 5 unlikeable characters. There is not one redeemable person on this show and yet it works. How? And find me a better yeller on TV than Charlie Day and I’ll give you a medal that says, “Meticulous Searcher For Entertaining TV Yeller.” It may be hitting a creative wall but that happens when you set the bar so high.

5. The Office (U.S.) - This show was under the huge shadow of its British origin but it has grown out of it and into its own being. There is room in the world for both and people with open minds can see that. I would be lying if I said that Pam and Jim’s wedding didn’t make me cry. I’ve become invested in these characters and they make me laugh every week.

4. Andy Richter Controls The Universe - A travesty. This show got 19 randomly released episodes before it was cancelled and those were some of the funniest episodes I’ve ever seen. I know this sounds clichéd but I think TV wasn’t ready for it. It did the visible imagination thing infinitely better than Ally McBeal and should be owned on DVD by everyone that loves comedy. Fortunately, the guy who made this is behind "Better Off Ted," one of the funniest shows on TV right now.

3. The Office (U.K.) - While there is room for both versions, this is leaps and bounds better than the U.S. one. The uncomfortable, squirmy scenes make you cover your eyes and wish they would be over. It took me about 2 or 3 episodes to get used to the accent and manner of talking but once I managed that, I was hooked and watched all the episodes in a couple of days. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are unparalleled comedy geniuses.

2. 30 Rock - This show is pure comedy. It’s silly. It has so many jokes in an episode, you can’t possibly catch them all. Though I’m sure Dr. Spaceman has a pill that can help you try. Sure the writer’s room is funny and Tracey Morgan is ridiculous. Kenneth the page isn’t so bad, either. But it’s all about Tina Fey. She made a masterpiece that I can’t believe is still on the air. It’s too good to last this long. Speaking of which…

1. Arrested Development - It’s not even close. In the same way I speak of Anchorman in my 2000s movies column, this is perfectly written. There are jokes interwoven throughout this series that human beings shouldn’t be able to plan. I don’t think there is one bad moment, one bad line, one bad reaction in any episode. This show should be studied and then attempts should be made to replicate the excellence. Even halfway decent stabs at making a show like this will be better than most of the stuff we watch nightly. Fie on the network for stopping the show. There is supposed to be a movie in the future and, sure it will be fantastic, but we deserve to be watching Season 7 right now.

American Idol - Top 10 (Part 2)

Someone got voted off American Idol last night in addition to the sweatiness, creepiness, and awesomeness but let's start with those: 

Sweatiness: Ruben Studdard always looks like the guy who is having a heart attack but is going to smile and play it off like nothing is wrong. I fast forwarded but the parts I stopped on sounded nice.

Creepiness: Smokey Robinson looked like a real old man in hot pursuit of Joss Stone. He just needed to wheeze, "I'm comin' to getcha" as he waddled towards her and security would have been necessary. And his dreamy eyes were reminiscent of Michael Jackson before he changed (in the Thriller video not in real life).

Awesomeness: Stevie Wonder can still rock at whatever age he's at. The older he gets, the more he looks like the Super Orc from Lord of The Rings but that doesn't mean that Orc can't party. He is one of the greats and it was really cool to see the Idol contestants make fools of themselves fawning over him on stage. I would have. Did I see repeated Wayne's World "We're not worthy" gestures from Anoop, Lil, and Kqwriss? I think I did.

BOTTOM THREE:

Matt Giraud - He should not be in the Bottom 3. He was one of the tops of the night and gave his best performance since "Georgia" in Hollywood Week. Fortunately, he did not go home. I'm not sure if I like him yet but he's too good to find himself in this position.

Scott MacIntyre - I didn't think he was going home but at least America is starting to send him there. This was an important first step in his eventual booting (Next week? Hmm?). It's not fair to him to be ripped apart by the judges. Have mercy on him. He's on the tour. That should be enough.

Michael Sarver - I feel like he's a better singer than Scott but he is not going to win like Simon said. This was the end for Michael and he left with the dignity and humor that got him this far. In fact, I thought his farewell performance of "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" was the best he's been in a while. I also liked how he told Lil she was fine before Ryan did and how he pointed at Matt for the guy who shouldn't be in the Bottom 3. The best part is that you could tell he meant it.  Part of me wishes he could hang out every week and just not sing.

Final Thought: I was partially hoping Lil would get in the Bottom 3 to scare her into upping her game but when it was between her and Michael, I stopped rooting for that. It was good to see Allison get the broken Windows treatment. (She got rebooted in Safe Mode? Yeah, that wasn't that good.) Spiggles is around for another week so hopefully she'll pick a good song and not go down in flames. See you next week.

American Idol - Top 10 (Part 1)

This week is Motown week and that means Lil Rounds should be the best because she's black or at least that's what the judges implied but I'll get to that later.  Smokey Robinson was the celebrity Motown rep for the week. Interestingly, he was dressed like a skater during the mentoring sessions. Was he performing at the Spring X Games later in the day? Nothing gets Ryan Sheckler tearing up the half pipe like some Miracles. Anyway, on to the performances.

Matt Giraud - "Let's Get It On" - It started off really good and really cool. Even original. Then he left the piano and it went back to how it always sounds. Still good but I thought it was going to be awesome when it started. Does anyone else get stuck staring at that flesh mole in the middle of his forehead? It works for Russell Crowe but I think that's because Russell's is about an inch and a half south of Matt's. Maybe the Idol stylists can move it down.

CKrissss Allen - "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)" - It was very good. He sounds so much like Jason Mraz and I love Jason Mraz. He moves up on my favorites list each week. Don't you just want to squeeze him until he gets one of those blood vessel pops in his eye? Then you'd look at him and think, "Man, he'd be perfect if he didn't have that red thing in his eye. I still like him, though." I'm just saying, you need a flaw, Qwrisse.

Scott MacIntyre - "You Can't Hurry Love" - Or this song for that matter. Wait, did that make sense? I tried to do what Simon does where he takes the lyric and uses it against the singer. Anyway, it was boring and the judges finally threw away the "we can't say he was bad because he's blind" attitude. In fact, Simon was extra cruel and at one point, it looked like Scott might tear up a bit. Fortunately, those parts of his eyes don't work either and he should find himself in the Bottom 3.

Megan Joy - "For Once In My Life" - Spiggles did not bring it this week. I don't know if there were any notes that she hit. She's officially occupied the "The camera loves you" distinction for Season 8. I love her but I think it's time for her to go.

Anoop Desai - "Ooo Baby Baby" - I like that they raided Kevin Arnold's closet for Anoop. That brings it to retro real easy. He just needed to ride out on the stage with Paul Pfeiffer on matching Schwinns. The performance was pretty good. At least good enough to move on.

Michael Sarver - "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" - He had some fun out there. He's like an offensive lineman who had a great game protecting the quarterback and then jumped up on the bench in the locker room and starting belting out a tune in his towel. Was that Varsity Blues? Necessary Roughness? It was something. Anyway, he needs to go. Can we send off 3 this week? I don't even need to see the rest of the show to pick my Bottom 3.

Lil Rounds - "Heat Wave" - It seemed like Motown week was made for her. They showed her genuinely breaking down upon seeing Motown Records. They dressed her up like a Dreamgirls extra. It was all for Lil Rounds and then the song started. Not good. Good thing three other people already sucked. Apparently, this is the same song that landed Kimberley Locke and Jennifer Hudson in the Bottom 3 during their time on Idol. "Heat Wave" is Idol poison. Anyway, Simon saved her by saying she's one of the best singers in the competition so she should be fine as long as people stop pitying Scott.

Adam Lambert - "Tracks Of Our Tears" - The Elvis look for this week is a little gross but I guess he's rolling with his lip curl. It was really good. Even I am pro-Adam tonight. At some points, I wished it wasn't sung as high but he still nailed it. I'm giving him a pass this week from excessive ridicule. Well done, Adam.

Danny Gokey - "Get Ready" - Danny needs to stop having fun and get back into the competition. He should skate to the Top 5 but there are two guys (Kkckristte and Adam) that have moved ahead of him in my opinion. Time to step it up, Gokes.

Allison Iraheta - "Papa Was A Rollin' Stone" - This may not have been the best performance but it was my favorite. She's so good. She better not be in the Bottom 3 again. That was a travesty. Also, shame on Simon for taking attention away from Allison with the juvenile Paula mustache. He couldn't do that during Scott or Michael's? Poor. Simon's getting me more agitated this year than usual.

Bottom 3 - Scott, Michael, and Megan. I have a bad feeling that Lil might be in it but I'm going to stay strong and hope that America does not vote for Scott. The criticism from the judges is just going to get worse for him if he stays. If you care about him, you'll let him go, America.

Going Home - Michael Sarver