Tor Baby Countup: Day 1

For those who don't know, my daughter was born on May 23rd, negating our planned trip to see MacGruber. I did not get to finish the Tor Baby Countdown but that doesn't mean I can't start a countup. Unfortunately, how often this will happen will be on the baby as she takes up all of my time. I can't believe how hard it is to sit down at a computer and try to write a blog when you are taking care of a newborn. We're having an off switch installed on her back next week so that might help.

This is why we're going with the back. The face is too prominent. Europe, am I right?

Here's the story of her birth:

It was the 3 in the morning on the Sunday of the Lost series finale. I was dreaming of Kate, Claire, and Hurley running in slow motion on the beach like the vikings in the Capital One commercials.

What's in my wallet? Not a ticket stub for MacGruber.

The elders say that when a woman's water breaks, it is a gush of water. Well, based on the number of towels on the floor in our bathroom, it was an intern with a megaphone away from being on the Universal Studios tour.

"If you look to your left, you can invade Kevin's wife's privacy."

The doctor told my wife to shower and head on in as the contractions would be starting soon. You definitely want to be fresh and clean before stuff starts coming out of every orifice in your body. The contractions did start soon and they progressed fast. Within 45 minutes, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I was flying up the Garden State Parkway as my wife was screaming next to me. I ran two red lights. The second of which took a picture of us. I'd like to see that snap shot: My white-knuckled hands around the steering wheel with my fear-filled eyes staring blankly ahead while my wife yells in agony with her hands on her pregnant belly. That should be a keeper down at the station.

"Segway13, what's your 20? We have a great photo you just have to see."

I parked in the fire zone in front of the hospital. I put my car in flames just to make sure it didn't get towed. We headed to admitting and things really started to pick up speed. What I remember about the next hour is about ten doctors and nurses prodding my wife, the baby's heartbeat going down with each contraction because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and lots of screaming. I just couldn't keep it in. Births and roller coasters. Those are my scream times.

About that cord wrapping. My daughter was apparently into amniotic asphyxiation. It certainly didn't come from my wife and me. I don't know where she learned it but I assure you, it stops right now. I'm putting my foot down. She's not allowed to hang out in that womb anymore.

Perv

It's hard to pick out the funny in times such as these but there was one thing. They took my wife for an emergency c-section and had not given her the epidural because of the issue with the baby. As they wheeled her out of the room with time running down, the anesthesiologist said, "Just give me one shot at her back, I'll get it done." When did Jack Bauer show up in my wife's ER? Is there room for this kind of bad-assery in modern medicine?

"Damn it, Chloe! Get me that IV bag!"

By the time I got the scrubs on and got into the operating room, my daughter was born, three hours and nineteen minutes after the water breaking. So with my wife behind the curtain on the table and me arriving late, we didn't see her come out. We're hoping that in the coming weeks, she'll do things to let us know the surgeons didn't pull a fast one. Until then, please enjoy Cassidy Lorelai Tor.

She has my eyes.

Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Sex and the City 2 Trailer (What I Hear)

I am not a fan of the show. I've tried watching it. Check out my Sex and the City blog. I gave it a fair chance.

Anyway, this is what I hear when the trailer comes on my television or before my featured presentation at the theater.

Al.com Features My NJ Governor Parody

Al.com is the Alabama news website. They recently included my NJ Governor parody in an article on videos poking fun at the Tim James "We speak English" ad (4th one down).

Another article on the site alludes to the fact that the gubernatorial candidate has seen the video and finds it humorous. Fantas-great. (Twirls finger.)

Here is a screenshot where they talk about Spruce Bringsteen:

And here is my video once again:

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3 (Elimination)

Dear Casey,

Ever since you took off your shirt to get a "yes" for a ticket to Hollywood, I knew you were going to go far in this competition. It takes a special, pec-less man to stand on stage and do what can marginally be considered singing in front of millions of people. You were a macho Taylor Hanson. The good thing is that you realized how fortunate you were to get to the Top 3. You never had an iota of entitlement and I respect that. Good luck to you and your guitar skills. Now put your shirt on and get out of the way. We're trying to get a picture of the two people who were written into the finals 12 weeks ago.

Sincerely,

Kevin

Tor Baby Countdown: 13 Days

We went to the baby doctor today for what could end up being the last time. We may be ahead of schedule. Last week, my wife was at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. To be technical, the doctor described her as a "tight 2."

Let me point something out for those who don't know. The doctor determines the number of centimeters by how many fingers he can fit in there. A tight 2? Did he go to medical school in a boys' high school locker room? Is my wife also a good candidate for a noogie?

Nurse, pass me a twisted towel and let's roll the patient over so I can get at her buttocks.

This time, the doctor said that my wife was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. So there has been progress since last week which means the baby is coming sooner rather than later. It's time to put the hospital bag in the car. After all of that torture putting it together, it would suck to forget it at home. Then the hospital bag will have to protect itself from Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci using swinging paint cans.

"It's a hospital bag. Hospital bags are stupid."

Let's hope there's a blog tomorrow. There's still too much to do. (Like watching the finale of Lost.) Little Lady Tor needs to cooperate.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3

There will be an abbreviated American Idol recap today. There is a lot of baby stuff to get done around the house so I don't think I can take the time. Tonight was Lee's night. Everyone can agree on that. Let's start with the Idols' choices.

Casey James - "Ok, It's Alright With Me" - I don't know the song. It sounded fine. Nothing exciting. Still, I think this is a song style that Casey can be good at. He could go the John Mayer route of limited vocals/awesome guitar. He just has to avoid Jessica Simpson.

Crystal Bowersox - "Come To My Window" - That was a weird arrangement of it. Did she take all of the lyrics and put them in bingo machine? It was such a mess and didn't sound that great, either.

To window come my

Lee DeWyze - "Simple Man" - It was very good. So much better than last week. They should have called him BP because he killed that Seal but this is how you move on. This first round was like picking between LeBron James and two of me from my high school JV team. Hint -Take LeBron.

And now the judges' choices:

Casey James - "Daughters" - This was pure sabotage by Kara and Randy. Everyone was pretty sure Casey was going home this week before he opened his mouth but Kara and Randy did all they could to ensure it short of giving him "I'm Every Woman." I know I said he's a John Mayer type but this is a terrible John Mayer song and there was little he could do with it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Maybe I'm Amazed" - Surprisingly good. I did not know she could do the screaming parts. Light years better than the Melissa Etheridge song. This was Empire Strikes Back and that was Phantom Menace. Way to make the Finals, StarWarsox.

Lee DeWyze - "Hallelujah" - I was not happy with this choice by Simon. It felt lazy. Not only does this song belong to Jason Castro but Tim Urban did it about ten weeks ago. It's been done this season! Regardless, Lee sang it so well. This contest was like my groceries when I get back from the store - in the environmentally-safe bag. He deserves to win the whole thing. Sorry, Crystal.

Going Home: Casey James