Tor's News Nuggets: 10/9/09

I've been writing jokes this week for iLarious, a new iPhone app, featuring all sorts of comedy. Here are the jokes that probably didn't go in this week:*

"Whip It" was destroyed at the box office by "Zombieland," proving once and for all that America prefers their women aimless and brainless.

A-Rod had another great season, keeping him in the company of Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, and Jimmie Foxx. Now it's the postseason and time to focus on staying in the company of Rafael Santana, Tommy Gregg, and Cesar Cedeno.

Conan Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. It's not the dogs fault. Everyone knows that sheriff's deputies have the tastiest meat.

Letterman Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. You know, it's cruel to think a dog can resist the smell of bacon.

Leno Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. The dogs' handler is baffled but some point the finger at the sheriff's deputy cologne - Musk of OJ.

America's Funniest Home Videos will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Viewers can look forward to finding out "Where are those smacked crotches now?"

Justice Sotomayor started her first day as a Supreme Court Justice by speaking into a turned-off microphone. Unfortunately, the hazing stopped early when Justice Scalia was hit in the head by the top of Sotomayor's partially unscrewed gavel.

The adult entertainment industry is reporting that, they too, have been affected by the recession. From now on, every cup will only be assigned one girl.

Monty Python turned 40. Hard to believe it was 40 years ago that British comedy started really confusing Americans.

David Letterman apologized to his wife and female staff members during the opening of his show Monday night. This could have all been avoided if he just kept it in his worldwide pants.

Attendees of the Big E fair in Massachusetts got to eat the "Craz-E Burger," which is a bacon cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme donut for a bun. Most people got it with a side of tombstone.

Barack Obama refused to meet with the Dalai Lama in order to keep China happy. Furthermore, he has also stopped acknowledging the existence of Sasha.

Barack Obama addressed health care reform concerns in front of doctors representing each of the 50 states. Obama only got to talk to the doctors for two minutes as he spent most of the time filling out forms and signing waivers.

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his former team, the Green Bay Packers, last night on Monday Night Football. The Vikings won because they used Favre's patented double-crossing routes.

Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi survived a very minor plane crash on Friday. Wow, we were so close to Don McLean writing a song about "The Day Irrelevance Died."

American Girl has released a new doll named Gwen who is homeless. The doll comes with an outfit, a pillow, and the ability to trade your daughter's love for booze.

One of the Backstreet Boys has contracted the swine flu forcing the band to cancel their promotional tour. Maybe we're being too hasty with those vaccines.

Elizabeth Taylor is telling fans details of her heart procedure from her hospital bed via Twitter. The procedure is serious and it is probably not wise for Taylor to tweet this lightly.

Mel Gibson's drunken driving conviction has been expunged after a court ruling. Now he can go back to just being a racist and a sexist.

*I don't have an iPhone so I don't know.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a "jackass." He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.

An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy's school struggled to say, "Pink grasshopper...wildlife event for fun...too...much" and then exploded.

Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.

Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on "The View." Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of "gone from our lives forever."

A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald's for 50 years of service. The man said he's one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, "Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?" before getting his award for 20 years of service.

Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/3/09

The guy who played the Green Ranger on "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" is trying to break into MMA fighting. The main problem is he won't get in the ring. He just wants to do voice over while a Japanese guy fights in his place.

A man in Tampa, Florida, could not cash a check at a Bank of America because they require a thumb print and the man was born without arms. An accord has still not been achieved because, in order to reach an agreement, Bank of America must shake on it.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. "We've really made a lot of wonderful changes during my administration," said Mayor Lawn Gnome.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. In related news, there was a split vote on making toilet paper the official tree.

------------------------------------------------------------

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Barney Frank lashed out at a protester for carrying a poster of Barack Obama sporting a Hitler mustache. Frank was angry because he prefers his Obama in more of a Selleck.

Bernie Madoff's lover has written a tell-all book in which she mentions that Madoff had "a very small penis." So that's why he was rolling around in such a BIG Ponzi scheme.

Johnny Knoxville announced he and his wife are having a baby boy. A crew will be on hand at the birth to film the mother shooting the baby out of her body directly into Knoxville's crotch.

Michelle Obama is under scrutiny for wearing shorts in public last week. Newspapers are calling it the biggest White House fashion faux pas since Taft's thong.

Police are looking for two men who stole over $1 million in merchandise from a JCPenney. Police are not sure where to begin but they assume they are on the lookout for two men carrying a large building filled with customers and employees.

The winner of the women's world 800 meters is being asked to take a gender test because she has masculine qualities. Her gender was brought into question when she crossed the finish line 6 inches before her torso did.

Usain Bolt was honored by the city of Berlin by receiving a 3 ton section of the Berlin Wall. Bolt thanked the mayor of Berlin, picked up the Wall, and ran back to Jamaica in 48 seconds.

Miley Cyrus was spotted "full-on making out" at the Nashville Airport though her father claims it was just a peck. Billy Ray would know because he was sitting between them at the time.

The debate continues on whether Pluto is a planet. In response, Mickey said, "Look, he's old and he's always hungry. What am I supposed to do?"

Congresswoman Maxine Waters, in a recent town hall meeting, referred to some of the senators opposed to health care reform as "Neanderthals." Though this seems ridiculous, the Capital building is installing wooden club detectors as a precautionary measure.

A groundskeeper at a golf course found a 10-pound tooth that paleontologists believe came from a mammoth. The scientists were sure it came from a mammoth after they counted to 32 inside Hilary Swank's mouth.

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/22/09

The President addressed critics of his All-Star Game-worn "mom jeans" by saying "they're comfortable." He then took a swig from his Sprite Zero, pulled on an embroidered Disney sweatshirt, and hopped in his minivan.

Stephen Baldwin filed for bankruptcy. Man, if it can happen to the guy who was good enough to replace Rick Moranis in the Flintstones sequel, it can happen to anyone.

Sarah Palin violated ethics laws by allowing a fund to be set up to defend her against ethics violations. Palin admitted she was wrong and if she could go back in time, she would have gotten rid of all ethics laws to begin with.

A 7.8 magnitude earthquake has actually brought New Zealand and Australia closer together. I think we found an acceptable replacement for Dr. Phil.

A 600-pound tortoise was deemed too large for a Kansas zoo and, therefore, was not kept. Confused about the whole thing, the zoo's elephants.

An amateur astronomer, who claims to spend about "20 hours a week" observing Jupiter, discovered a new spot on the surface. Scientists think that a meteor the size of Earth crashed into the planet while Jupiter thinks the guy is creepy and will be installing curtains.

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/2/09

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. Weird, that's the same amount of time it will take me to understand what a Ponzi scheme is.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is refusing to step down from office in spite of his unprofessional behavior. In fact, he is going to hold his breath until everyone agrees.

Mississippi was voted the fattest state in the country for the fifth straight year. To celebrate, the governor's taking everyone out for ice cream.

Pat Boone, the singer from the 50s and 60s turned conservative political activist, is convinced that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. and states Americans deserve to see Obama's birth certificate. I think Americans would rather see Pat Boone's death certificate.

It has been announced that Kevin Jonas is engaged prompting every middle school guy to reply, "To a dude, right? I knew it," which prompted every middle school girl to say, "Shut up! Ok, don't panic. There's still 2. The odds are worse, sure, but I can do it," which prompted every middle school math teacher to go, "She said odds? Really? And she knew they were worse? It's moments like these that make it all worth it."

A new study shows that having sex daily leads to healthier sperm. The study was paid for by every married man in the world.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/3/09

Authorities ordered the removal of 18000 cases of Red Bull in Hong Kong after it was discovered that there were traces of cocaine in the cans. Drinkers reported that the beverage gave them wings and the wings flapped "like so much faster than usual." No word yet on what ingredient is causing the wing hallucinations.

A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. today. The statue is in honor of all the major contributions Reagan made to the American people and is also one last F You to Bonzo.

A Brooklyn man is going to be the first to get married in zero gravity when he and his fiance exchange vows at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. Once officially married, the groom will come crashing to the ground because you can't float with a ball and chain. Am I right? Am I?

The Obama family dog, Bo, was caught on film biting a reporter's microphone wire. Because of Bo's ingenious method of keeping the media from badgering the President, the dog will take over as White House Press Secretary.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. He will be remembered as the first person to put a shrimp on a barbie. 

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. That's Australian for old.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. The last two jokes will make him roll in his grave but in the opposite direction that he would roll if he were in the USA.

Tor's News Nuggets: 4/14/09

The Obamas welcomed a new dog into the White House. It is a Portuguese water dog and it goes by the name of Bo. The canine choice angered a lot of people including many animal rescue organizations but no one was more outraged than Tom Wopat who was sure he was the President's favorite Duke.

Parishioners at a church in Sweden unveiled a statue of Jesus they built that was made completely out of Legos on Easter Sunday. Some people think the statue is distasteful but I think the statue is fine. My problem is that instead of a "Please don't touch the statue" sign, they went with "Lego my Jesus."

According to crash tests, smaller cars like the Honda Fit and the Toyota Yaris do not perform as well as larger cars in severe crashes. Still waiting to find out the results of their other ridiculously obvious crash tests. I have a good feeling about eggs.

A 5-year-old rode the subway alone for 34 stops this morning in New York City. He tried to get help finding his mom but made the mistake of starting his plea with "Excuse me, if I could just have a minute of your time." He is currently being treated for bruises from dismissive coin tosses.

I Didn't Think We Can

I descended the stairs today unconsciously singing "Ooh Child." Screaming "Someday!" over and over again on my way to the kitchen, I played back what happened yesterday. Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. 

I felt the same way. Way to take the first step in the right direction, America.

McCain's Final Debate Notes

I was fortunate enough to get my hands on the paper that McCain was writing (and apparently drawing) on during the final debate with Obama. It really sheds some light on this man. 

McCain's Waddle

Have you seen McCain's waddle? I guess the appropriate word would be waddles. I think at last count there were eight, which gives him seven (or, in my book, eight) more than any person should have gracing their under-chin.

Look at that. They are dividing and multiplying with each passing week. I swear he only had four waddles in the first debate. I feel like when he shakes his head in disagreement he could dry off my car. These McCain waddles keep me up at night. Can't he tuck them into the shirt collar or wear a nice turtleneck? I'm not making fun of how old he is but when you reach a certain age, you're cold all the time. The turtleneck would work for him year round. You know what I just realized? He might already tuck them into the shirt collar and that's all he can fit in there like when you play that game: How Many Grapes Can I Fit In My Mouth. The rest has to stick out because the shirt is filled to capacity. Maybe his tie is just a painted waddle that comes down through the shirt top. It's gross but actually quite practical. Man, if he does win, can he make an exception and approve some pork barrel spending to get rid of it? Actually, maybe his skin just doesn't like him. That's gotta be it. Even his skin sees the ridiculousness in his platform and is trying to go in another direction. This could be Obama's new approach: "My opponent's body is rejecting his policies. Do you believe five thousand dollars is enough to reattach a man's skin to his body?" I really need to think about something else for a while.