Tor's News Nuggets: 11/2/09

I've been behind on the blog. I'm working on something pretty big right now but I promise to return with more than one a week. November is going to be a good month. As always, here are last week's rejected jokes from the iPhone app.

Salma Hayek told Parade magazine that she was too embarrassed by her body to accept a "Best Body" award from Fitness Magazine. After the interview, she went out and purchased 20 more low-cut dresses.

The Yankees will play the Phillies in the World Series starting Wednesday. In related news, every Mets fan looks up to the sky and yells, "Really?" before killing themselves.

Ratings for MTV's "The Hills" are down drastically this season. The network has a list of possible reasons but none of them involve the public coming to their senses. That could never happen.

Keira Knightley will star in a remake of "My Fair Lady." The producers knew Knightley was capable of doing the horrid, original Eliza voice when they watched her in any movie she's ever been in.

Jim Corzine is under criticism for an ad where Corzine accuses his opponent, Chris Christie, of "throwing his weight around." Political observers think this is an attack on Christie's weight but Corzine insists he is just "stating the fats."

In a recent episode, Kate Gosselin said that she would like to lend her voice to a character in an animated movie for her kids. The kids liked the idea but would much rather her lend her voice to their lives.

Hulu is going to start charging people to watch TV shows and movies in 2010. In more forecasting news - In 2011, Hulu is going to go out of business.

George W. Bush began his new career as a motivational speaker at a business seminar in Fort Worth, Texas. Bush did such a great job imparting his knowledge that all attendees left and ran whatever they were responsible for into the ground.

The lawyer for the Philadelphia woman who offered sex for World Series tickets is saying his client was suffering from "Phillies Fever." This is far more serious than her 2004 case of Herp-eagles.

David Spade is defending his controversial Direct TV commercial featuring the late Chris Farley by saying Farley would have been "stoked." That seems appropriate considering Spade through his legacy into the fire.

Sarah Palin has gone on record calling Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot as "desperate." That's like the worst, bargain-basement, horrible, cheap, ridiculous, terrible pot calling the attention-starved, awful, sell-out, trashy kettle - I forgot what I was saying.

A bullet was fired at and hit the New Jersey home of CNN's Lou Dobbs. It was the first time Dobbs was involved in anything that could be considered "on target."

Mark Wahlberg and his wife, Rhea Durham, are expecting their fourth child. So he's taking the slow path to putting together another Funky Bunch.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That must be why she keeps her political abilities in a safe.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That's why she's glad she has a skull with skin and hair over it.

A ballet teacher at Point Park University is denying he posted a "fat list," consisting of the names of dance students who he wanted to lose weight. In response, the teacher said, "That's not something this university encourages. I would never do that. I don't want to end up on the Terrible Teacher List."

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/26/09

These are last week's rejections from iLarious (a fantastic iPhone app you should own).

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. No worries. The resilient museum has relabeled it "Authentic Lilliputian Rope Used To Restrain Gulliver."

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. The museum is now concerned about the validity of the main hall's Electra plane with Earhart's skeleton in it.

Megan Fox said that, even though she is bisexual, the kissing scenes for "Jennifer's Body" gave her trouble. She also said that she loves getting her T-shirt wet but she's having trouble with this nearby hose and then pouted invitingly.

The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, told Radar Online that she thinks Jon Gosselin is "hot." Tune in next week for a special episode of "Awful and Way Too Fertile Wife Swap."

Halloween stores everywhere are reporting that Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out. Halloween 2009 - "The Worst Night of Jon's Life."

A recent report says that Bernie Madoff is eating prison pizza that was made by a child molester. Madoff likes the pizza but he doesn't like that he has to receive it while wearing a sailor suit and holding a lolly.

A high school in Chicago has 115 students that are pregnant or already have kids. Interestingly enough, the school has 115 less male students than it did before.

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. She apologized and said that some of her best friends are reverends.

The Sesame Street theme song was played during the interrogation and torture of Gitmo detainees. It always preceded the lesson of "One of these testicles will not be like the other."

A 19-year-old became the youngest ever winner of the Monopoly World Championships. Unfortunately, he was 12 when the match started.

Ashlee Simpson has been axed from the show, Melrose Place. "That's a decent start," said everyone on the planet.

On his radio show, Howard Stern furiously called out Jay Leno for allegedly stealing sketch ideas and using them on his talk shows. "I would never steal from him," said Leno who took a break from filming a new bit about a superhero that passes gas.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/14/09

More unused jokes from the iLarious. Some of them are justified in not being used.

Somali pirates attacked what they believed to be a cargo ship but realized too late that it was a French Naval vessel. In all fairness, only the people on the French ship knew there was even such a thing as a "French Naval vessel."

A recent poll by Marist University has named "whatever" the most annoying word used in conversation. The worst offenders of the conversational gaffe are treating the poll with indifference.

NASA is planning to crash two rockets into the moon to try to find water. If this doesn't work, NASA will go with their Plan B: a 6 billion dollar y-shaped stick.

Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook are going through a tough divorce. The problem is that Cook wants to take away what matters most to Brinkley, the Uptown.

A professional racetrack in Australia is limiting fans to 24 cans of beer each to cut down on crime. Don't worry. They're also limiting the amount of distance fans can drive home.

Due to the economy, Harvard professors will no longer get free cookies during faculty meetings. No word on the status of recess or nap time yet.

Daily Beast named Raleigh-Durham the smartest metropolitan area with Fresno coming in last. When reached by phone, the mayor of Fresno screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM??!?!" before running into the wall and knocking herself out.

Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he is working on a sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" that will take place in Coney Island. In the new work, the female lead will be a fry girl that wants to one day work the register at Nathan's, the phantom will be hard to pick out among all of the disfigured ride operators, and the climactic scene will involve the Cyclone crashing down.

Kate Gosselin baked a special cake for her twins' birthday but Jon tried to foil the plans by picking up a cake from a bakery. When these kinds of public divorces happen, we tend to not realize what's most important - these kids got TWO birthday cakes!

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially trying really hard to achieve global peace. In other news, Nicolas Cage is named Actor of the Decade.

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - South Carolina governor

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - TV father of 8

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - Rim

Paris Hilton, playing "Paris Hilton possessed by a demon," was beheaded on last night's "Supernatural" because a demon can't function in a body without a brain. Viewers were upset because the writer's failed to explain how the demon functioned before the beheading.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a "jackass." He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.

An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy's school struggled to say, "Pink grasshopper...wildlife event for fun...too...much" and then exploded.

Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.

Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on "The View." Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of "gone from our lives forever."

A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald's for 50 years of service. The man said he's one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, "Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?" before getting his award for 20 years of service.

Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.