This Week's Top 10 Chads

As many of my closest friends know, I keep extensive rankings for every first name in the world and I update them every week. I've decided to publish one of them on the blog today. So this is my list of the 10 best people named Chad for the week. There's been a lot of moving and shaking on the Chad list so let's get to it.

1. Chad Ochocinco - (Last week: 1) - Ochocinco had a great week this week. He provided coverage of the Super Bowl for the Ochocinco News Network (OCNN) and remains relevant with his fantastic Twitter posts. The run at 1 continues for this Chad.

2. Chad Michael Murray - (Last week: 5) - Chad moved up this week with rumors that he is in the running to play Captain America. It had seemed his star had fizzled out after he left One Tree Hill. Even news of an upcoming film with Tommy Lee didn't seem to help his decline. However, putting on some tights and holding a patriotic shield? Welcome back, Chad!

3. Chad Smith - (Last week: NR) - Our biggest Chad jumper of the week. This Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer has been receiving votes for the last few polls but it was the announcement of his supergroup Chickenfoot's returning to the studio that has this pollmaker psyched. I don't listen to Chickenfoot but I love me some good Chad news.

4. Chad Trujillo - (Last week: 4) - It looked like this was the week the astronomer would crack the Top 3. Voters want a career that consists of more than the discovery of a dwarf planet bigger than Pluto. Some Chads get complacent. It's been five years, Chad. We can only hold this spot for so long.

5. Chad Vader - (Last week: 3) - This Chad has done well for himself and is the only fictional character to ever crack the Top 10. (Unless you count Chad Durbin because I don't acknowledge the existence of any Philadelphia Phillies.) Unfortunately, the much anticipated third season of his web series has yet to premiere. The internet world wants more fake Chad.

6. Chad Kroeger - (Last week: 2) - Not a good week for the lead singer of Nickelback. He is about to have less Facebook fans than a pickle. Also, he sings for Nickelback. It is only a matter of time before he drops off completely. Might want to go back to school and do something to help society, Chad.

7. Chad Pennington - (Last week: 8) - He may never throw a pass again but that's great for his NFL record for career passing percentage. Throwing anymore will probably just ruin that especially since he now has the arm strength of the quarterback on "Glee." Unlike Number 4 Chad, it's time to be complacent. Stick to charity. That's good stuff, Chad.

8. Chad Hugo - (Last week: 9) - I heard one of his songs on the radio last week so that must have been cool for him.

9. Chad of Mercia - (Last week: 10) - He is responsible for bringing Christianity to central England. That doesn't go away and neither does this Chad. Central Englanders love their Christianity.*

10. Chad Allan - (Last week: 6) - This unfortunate singer of The Guess Who misheard and showed up at the Super Bowl to perform in the Halftime Show. He was escorted out by security after getting into a terrible Abbott and Costello-esque "I'm from The Guess Who/The police don't like guessing games, sir" exchange. Hope next week is better, Chad.

Dropped from the rankings: Norman Chad

*Not confirmed.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/3/09

The guy who played the Green Ranger on "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" is trying to break into MMA fighting. The main problem is he won't get in the ring. He just wants to do voice over while a Japanese guy fights in his place.

A man in Tampa, Florida, could not cash a check at a Bank of America because they require a thumb print and the man was born without arms. An accord has still not been achieved because, in order to reach an agreement, Bank of America must shake on it.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. "We've really made a lot of wonderful changes during my administration," said Mayor Lawn Gnome.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. In related news, there was a split vote on making toilet paper the official tree.

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The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Barney Frank lashed out at a protester for carrying a poster of Barack Obama sporting a Hitler mustache. Frank was angry because he prefers his Obama in more of a Selleck.

Bernie Madoff's lover has written a tell-all book in which she mentions that Madoff had "a very small penis." So that's why he was rolling around in such a BIG Ponzi scheme.

Johnny Knoxville announced he and his wife are having a baby boy. A crew will be on hand at the birth to film the mother shooting the baby out of her body directly into Knoxville's crotch.

Michelle Obama is under scrutiny for wearing shorts in public last week. Newspapers are calling it the biggest White House fashion faux pas since Taft's thong.

Police are looking for two men who stole over $1 million in merchandise from a JCPenney. Police are not sure where to begin but they assume they are on the lookout for two men carrying a large building filled with customers and employees.

The winner of the women's world 800 meters is being asked to take a gender test because she has masculine qualities. Her gender was brought into question when she crossed the finish line 6 inches before her torso did.

Usain Bolt was honored by the city of Berlin by receiving a 3 ton section of the Berlin Wall. Bolt thanked the mayor of Berlin, picked up the Wall, and ran back to Jamaica in 48 seconds.

Miley Cyrus was spotted "full-on making out" at the Nashville Airport though her father claims it was just a peck. Billy Ray would know because he was sitting between them at the time.

The debate continues on whether Pluto is a planet. In response, Mickey said, "Look, he's old and he's always hungry. What am I supposed to do?"

Congresswoman Maxine Waters, in a recent town hall meeting, referred to some of the senators opposed to health care reform as "Neanderthals." Though this seems ridiculous, the Capital building is installing wooden club detectors as a precautionary measure.

A groundskeeper at a golf course found a 10-pound tooth that paleontologists believe came from a mammoth. The scientists were sure it came from a mammoth after they counted to 32 inside Hilary Swank's mouth.