Tor's Product Review: Frickin' Scary M&M Babies

Wouldn't it be cute if they sold onesies for babies with the m&m characters on them? No? Well, what if that onesie had a matching knit hat with a hilarious m&m-related phrase on it? Still no, huh? Ok, what if it wasn't an outfit an actual kid could wear but a 6 inch doll? You want me to stop? Last try. What if that 6 inch doll had the face of a baby that upon seeing it delivered, the doctor pushed it back into the mother, then cut out his own eyes, and repeatedly yelled, "There is no god!" before diving out the fourth floor window? I'll take that hesitation as a solid maybe and introduce you to this wonderful collection from Heavenly Handfuls.

For $29.99 plus shipping and handling, you can own one of these hideous keepsakes. That's right! Only ONE! It will cost you over 30 bucks to get this thing that looks like a cross between an old man and a glowworm, especially if that geezer larva had soulless eyes. Don't like having your friends over all the time and then cleaning up after them? Half a foot of pure vinyl evil can be displayed prominently on a mantle to keep them from ever returning to your home again. Guaranteed! You can't put a price on that and, if you did, it would be more than this. Probably.

Why are you still looking at my blog? Buy them now!

McCain's Waddle

Have you seen McCain's waddle? I guess the appropriate word would be waddles. I think at last count there were eight, which gives him seven (or, in my book, eight) more than any person should have gracing their under-chin.

Look at that. They are dividing and multiplying with each passing week. I swear he only had four waddles in the first debate. I feel like when he shakes his head in disagreement he could dry off my car. These McCain waddles keep me up at night. Can't he tuck them into the shirt collar or wear a nice turtleneck? I'm not making fun of how old he is but when you reach a certain age, you're cold all the time. The turtleneck would work for him year round. You know what I just realized? He might already tuck them into the shirt collar and that's all he can fit in there like when you play that game: How Many Grapes Can I Fit In My Mouth. The rest has to stick out because the shirt is filled to capacity. Maybe his tie is just a painted waddle that comes down through the shirt top. It's gross but actually quite practical. Man, if he does win, can he make an exception and approve some pork barrel spending to get rid of it? Actually, maybe his skin just doesn't like him. That's gotta be it. Even his skin sees the ridiculousness in his platform and is trying to go in another direction. This could be Obama's new approach: "My opponent's body is rejecting his policies. Do you believe five thousand dollars is enough to reattach a man's skin to his body?" I really need to think about something else for a while.