Tor's News Nuggets: 10/26/09

These are last week's rejections from iLarious (a fantastic iPhone app you should own).

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. No worries. The resilient museum has relabeled it "Authentic Lilliputian Rope Used To Restrain Gulliver."

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. The museum is now concerned about the validity of the main hall's Electra plane with Earhart's skeleton in it.

Megan Fox said that, even though she is bisexual, the kissing scenes for "Jennifer's Body" gave her trouble. She also said that she loves getting her T-shirt wet but she's having trouble with this nearby hose and then pouted invitingly.

The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, told Radar Online that she thinks Jon Gosselin is "hot." Tune in next week for a special episode of "Awful and Way Too Fertile Wife Swap."

Halloween stores everywhere are reporting that Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out. Halloween 2009 - "The Worst Night of Jon's Life."

A recent report says that Bernie Madoff is eating prison pizza that was made by a child molester. Madoff likes the pizza but he doesn't like that he has to receive it while wearing a sailor suit and holding a lolly.

A high school in Chicago has 115 students that are pregnant or already have kids. Interestingly enough, the school has 115 less male students than it did before.

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. She apologized and said that some of her best friends are reverends.

The Sesame Street theme song was played during the interrogation and torture of Gitmo detainees. It always preceded the lesson of "One of these testicles will not be like the other."

A 19-year-old became the youngest ever winner of the Monopoly World Championships. Unfortunately, he was 12 when the match started.

Ashlee Simpson has been axed from the show, Melrose Place. "That's a decent start," said everyone on the planet.

On his radio show, Howard Stern furiously called out Jay Leno for allegedly stealing sketch ideas and using them on his talk shows. "I would never steal from him," said Leno who took a break from filming a new bit about a superhero that passes gas.

Tor's News Nuggets: 8/14/09

I started a job writing current event jokes for an iPhone app, iLarious. I'm really excited. There are writers from the Simpsons, the Onion, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, College Humor, and much much more awesome things. Tor's News Nuggets will be the place that I post the ones that don't make it. (Some of them you'll see why.)

Ashton Kutcher announced that his plane needed to perform an emergency landing via Twitter. The pilot landed the plane because he was getting a lot of wireless interference from somewhere in the cabin.

CNN is reporting that trucks are the most purchased in the Cash for Clunkers promotion. So...that didn't work.

The jobless rate fell for the first time in a year. Kudos to the person who decided to create the jobs to calculate the jobless rate.

Shirtless pictures of a fit Vladimir Putin are circulating and experts say it shows he is stronger than previous leaders like Boris Yeltsin. Something else that would show this: holding a mirror under his nose and waiting for fog.

49ers draft pick Michael Crabtree is threatening to sit out the 2009 season and reenter the 2010 Draft if he doesn't get more than $23.5 million. Looks like Michael Vick finally got some competition for Most Hated Football Player.

Victoria Beckham is going to be a temporary replacement for Paula Abdul on American Idol. American Idol judges are some of the most publicly criticized and hated people in entertainment so she can go to her husband for advice.

Jenny Stanford, the wife of adulterous South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, is moving out of the Governor's Mansion. Good, I was starting to think she couldn't read. Or hear. Or process visual signs.

Barack Obama claims that Canada's health care model would not work in the U.S. Obama said that the health care model was good but when you get down to it, like their bacon, it's really just ham.

A new species of frog that can soar through the air was discovered in the Himalayas. Do you hear that Nadia, the foreign exchange student from my high school? You said we could have sex "when frogs fly."

A new study proves that dogs and toddlers are on the same developmental plane. So child services was wrong, rubbing my baby's face in his diaper was fine?

A woman threw a ceramic cup at the Mona Lisa saying she was frustrated about not getting French nationality. She then threw a saucer at the Eiffel Tower, a spoon at the Bastille, and hot tea at Jerry Lewis.

A bride in China is hoping to set the record with a wedding dress that has a train measuring 2 km. Little does she know but the groom tied the end of the train to a tree 2 km and 2 m from the altar.

A new movie called "Machete" has begun filming and it stars Robert De Niro, Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Alba, and Steven Seagal. Hollywood said, "This is the best way to guarantee we only make one bad movie next year."

Forecasts say that the world population will hit 7 billion next year. Kinda sad that Tila Tequila still can't find love.

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls will hit stores just in time for Christmas. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

The first successful captive breeding of an endangered vulture was announced today. Seriously, what kind of prison is Bernie Madoff in?

Bob Dylan is planning to release a holiday album later this year. The album will start out with Hanukkah tunes, then switch over to Christmas songs, and end with songs that could be either one.

A nun in Missouri chased a robber into the woods after he ran past the convent. When asked why she chased the robber, the nun said, "I don't know. I always chase things that run by. I guess I'm just a creature of...habit." Then the reporter slapped her in the face and told her to stick to chasing.

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/2/09

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. Weird, that's the same amount of time it will take me to understand what a Ponzi scheme is.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is refusing to step down from office in spite of his unprofessional behavior. In fact, he is going to hold his breath until everyone agrees.

Mississippi was voted the fattest state in the country for the fifth straight year. To celebrate, the governor's taking everyone out for ice cream.

Pat Boone, the singer from the 50s and 60s turned conservative political activist, is convinced that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. and states Americans deserve to see Obama's birth certificate. I think Americans would rather see Pat Boone's death certificate.

It has been announced that Kevin Jonas is engaged prompting every middle school guy to reply, "To a dude, right? I knew it," which prompted every middle school girl to say, "Shut up! Ok, don't panic. There's still 2. The odds are worse, sure, but I can do it," which prompted every middle school math teacher to go, "She said odds? Really? And she knew they were worse? It's moments like these that make it all worth it."

A new study shows that having sex daily leads to healthier sperm. The study was paid for by every married man in the world.