Lions And Horses And Wait...What the F?!?

It's what can only be described as the scariest game of Cowboys and Indians ever. 

Seriously, though. China is training lions to ride horses. We're over here floundering under a vengeful economy and China is making the following happen:

What does China gain by making a faster animal ride a slower animal? If anything, the horse should be riding the lion but I guess that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? What's your angle, China? This can't be for war purposes because we don't fight many horse-based battles anymore. Is this a natural progression? You have to learn how to ride a horse before you can drive a tank? How many tank-driving lions do you have, China? How many? Six? Seven? 

Unless, they have a time machine and are planning to take these horse-riding lions back in time. They can rewrite history and become the most powerful nation in the world. We've all thought it, haven't we? What if Custer had a lion at Little Bighorn? What if a lion crossed the Delaware? What if a lion replaced Paul Walker in the movie "Timeline?" Where would we be? I'll tell you where. We'd be living on Easy Street wondering why we waited through two "Fast and the Furious" movies to replace Paul Walker with a lion. But no. China's going to get there first and we're going to be forced to watch Chris Tucker and a lion fight their way through three Rush Hours. Hey, lion, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? You just might. You just might.

McCain's Waddle

Have you seen McCain's waddle? I guess the appropriate word would be waddles. I think at last count there were eight, which gives him seven (or, in my book, eight) more than any person should have gracing their under-chin.

Look at that. They are dividing and multiplying with each passing week. I swear he only had four waddles in the first debate. I feel like when he shakes his head in disagreement he could dry off my car. These McCain waddles keep me up at night. Can't he tuck them into the shirt collar or wear a nice turtleneck? I'm not making fun of how old he is but when you reach a certain age, you're cold all the time. The turtleneck would work for him year round. You know what I just realized? He might already tuck them into the shirt collar and that's all he can fit in there like when you play that game: How Many Grapes Can I Fit In My Mouth. The rest has to stick out because the shirt is filled to capacity. Maybe his tie is just a painted waddle that comes down through the shirt top. It's gross but actually quite practical. Man, if he does win, can he make an exception and approve some pork barrel spending to get rid of it? Actually, maybe his skin just doesn't like him. That's gotta be it. Even his skin sees the ridiculousness in his platform and is trying to go in another direction. This could be Obama's new approach: "My opponent's body is rejecting his policies. Do you believe five thousand dollars is enough to reattach a man's skin to his body?" I really need to think about something else for a while.

Ben And Jerry's Is The Breast! (I Totally Went There.)

PETA asked Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk to make their ice cream instead of the traditionally tasty cow milk. Few things could get me out of my current lifestyle of sitting on the couch and watching TV waiting for Comedy Central to call me* but this is one of them. You see, women only produce milk when they are pregnant (unless something's severely wrong and then they should see a doctor) and a man would be needed to do the impregnating. I can do this job. My wife would be fine with it because she loves ice cream and I'd probably get an awesome employee discount. Also, it's always been a dream of mine to be a stud. Almost nothing about my appearance screams "stud" but if it's my title, people would be forced to acknowledge it. Do you hear that, High School? I'm a stud! In your it's-been-so-long-I-should-let-it-go faces! 

My days would have lots of lady sexing. So much of it. My diet would consist entirely of water, pumpkin seeds, and penicillin. I would always wear kilts and be like Arnold Schwarzeneggar in a 1985 movie underneath them. In between woman fertilizing, I would sleep, get massages, and watch reruns of "The Other Half." It would be the life. 

I wonder what happens to the babies once they start popping out. Aah, that's Ben and Jerry's problem.

*It would definitely be a wrong number but I would charm them as evidenced by this script:

Kevin

Hello?

Comedy Central

This is Comedy Central. Is Mike Birbiglia** there?

Kevin

No, but this is your lucky day because, compared to me, he'd look like Mike Bir-small-lia.

Comedy Central

(laughing)

That's pretty funny. Who are you?

Kevin

The name's Kevin Tor and I'm the future of your network.

** I also would be ready for Brian Regan, John Mulaney, and Tom Papa.