Tor Baby Countdown: 62 Days

Wow. We are two good size months away from Billie Mae joining us in this world. We are also headed towards 61 more days of fake names. But those who do read will be able to make a more educated guess as to the real name via process of elimination. That's incentive to read!

We have a few children's books now populating the nursery. I'd like to focus on one in particular. It is called "Why I Love My Daddy."

Since I will be playing the role of "Daddy," I found it bothersome that such a book would exist. I'd like my daughter to formulate her own opinion of why she loves her daddy and not be spoon-fed a bunch of unfounded reasons. Also, we didn't get a "Why I Love My Mommy" book which does exist as I made sure before I started complaining.

See?

Here are the reasons my daughter, Burbank, will love me:

"He is big and strong" - That's Strike 1 right there. I am not big and strong. I am tall and lanky and it's only a matter of time before my daughter has bigger legs and wrists than me. I'm guessing by the time she's 8. Earlier depending on how good the Happy Meal toys are.

"He is clever" - I have my moments.

"He keeps me safe and cosy" - First off, it's cozy. Was that British? Secondly, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll be quick with a blanket but safety will be determined after a few nights in that crib I put together. Fingers crossed.

"He plays with me" - Maybe.

"He carries me" - I'm starting to feel the pressure. Am I supposed to do and be all of these things? I'll carry her for a little while but, like Jesus, I will have to put her down and let her make her own footprints. And sand castles. And choices when faced with a jellyfish and a finger in poke mode.

"He is handsome" - Weird. I want to be flattered by this but it's weird. Besides, I prefer it if my daughter would call me "hot." Much better.

"He is funny" - Nailed it.

"He fixes things" - Strike 2. I don't fix anything. Is this in anticipation of the crib we spoke about earlier? It might hold. Seriously, I have a specialist fix everything. My car. My hot water heater. And I'll probably send my baby out to get fixed too. Wait that came out wrong.

"He has the best ideas" - I don't. I have terrible ideas. That's why I'm not successful as a comedian. Strike 3.

This book is filled with lies. Every page is patronizing and will ultimately lead to me resenting my daughter.

Well, that's all of our time today. Tune in tomorrow when I will angrily rant about why a cat would need a hat. Preview: It doesn't. Hats only lead to mischief.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a "jackass." He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.

An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy's school struggled to say, "Pink grasshopper...wildlife event for fun...too...much" and then exploded.

Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.

Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on "The View." Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of "gone from our lives forever."

A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald's for 50 years of service. The man said he's one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, "Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?" before getting his award for 20 years of service.

Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.