Tor's News Nuggets: 6/3/09

Authorities ordered the removal of 18000 cases of Red Bull in Hong Kong after it was discovered that there were traces of cocaine in the cans. Drinkers reported that the beverage gave them wings and the wings flapped "like so much faster than usual." No word yet on what ingredient is causing the wing hallucinations.

A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. today. The statue is in honor of all the major contributions Reagan made to the American people and is also one last F You to Bonzo.

A Brooklyn man is going to be the first to get married in zero gravity when he and his fiance exchange vows at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. Once officially married, the groom will come crashing to the ground because you can't float with a ball and chain. Am I right? Am I?

The Obama family dog, Bo, was caught on film biting a reporter's microphone wire. Because of Bo's ingenious method of keeping the media from badgering the President, the dog will take over as White House Press Secretary.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. He will be remembered as the first person to put a shrimp on a barbie. 

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. That's Australian for old.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. The last two jokes will make him roll in his grave but in the opposite direction that he would roll if he were in the USA.

Tor's News Nuggets: 4/14/09

The Obamas welcomed a new dog into the White House. It is a Portuguese water dog and it goes by the name of Bo. The canine choice angered a lot of people including many animal rescue organizations but no one was more outraged than Tom Wopat who was sure he was the President's favorite Duke.

Parishioners at a church in Sweden unveiled a statue of Jesus they built that was made completely out of Legos on Easter Sunday. Some people think the statue is distasteful but I think the statue is fine. My problem is that instead of a "Please don't touch the statue" sign, they went with "Lego my Jesus."

According to crash tests, smaller cars like the Honda Fit and the Toyota Yaris do not perform as well as larger cars in severe crashes. Still waiting to find out the results of their other ridiculously obvious crash tests. I have a good feeling about eggs.

A 5-year-old rode the subway alone for 34 stops this morning in New York City. He tried to get help finding his mom but made the mistake of starting his plea with "Excuse me, if I could just have a minute of your time." He is currently being treated for bruises from dismissive coin tosses.