Tor's News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a "jackass." He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.

An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy's school struggled to say, "Pink grasshopper...wildlife event for fun...too...much" and then exploded.

Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.

Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on "The View." Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of "gone from our lives forever."

A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald's for 50 years of service. The man said he's one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, "Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?" before getting his award for 20 years of service.

Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.

Kanye West's Taylor Swift Apology (Deleted Parts)

As many of you know, Kanye West jumped on the stage yesterday during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV VMAs. Kanye took Taylor Swift's microphone and told the audience that Beyonce should have won. Well, Kanye was feeling bad about the whole thing and put an apology up on his blog.

I would link to the blog but it's not currently working so here is what he put up on it:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Now, we here at Tor's Take were fortunate enough to get the parts that Kanye deleted just before posting. It just warms my heart to work with such a crack research team. (And not a crack team on research. Am I right?) This stuff is pretty shocking. Anyway, without further ado:

"TAYLOR'S VOICE IS WEAKER THAN A HO WITH A ROOFIE!!! SHE'S STILL MAD TALENTED, THOUGH!!!!"

"LISTEN YALL, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC...IT'S REALLY GOOD!! I JUST THINK WE SHOULD BURN THAT MOTHER F'N OPRY TO THE GROUND!!!!!!"

"I'M HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!! I KNOW I MAY HAVE RUINED HER MOMENT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP AT HER WEDDING AND TOLD HER I WAS BETTER THAN THE GROOM!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!!! CONGRATS, T-SWIFT!!!!"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"TAYLOR IS BEAUTIFUL!!! I'D LOVE TO WORK WITH HER ONE DAY!!!!! THEN SHE COULD KNOW WHAT REAL MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!!!! BOOOOOOOOYEEEEEE!!!"

"I HOPE HER NASTY TEENAGE ASS GETS HIT BY A BUS!!!!! SHE LOOKED HOT IN THAT DRESS!!! MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!"

"I LIKE THE SONG WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LOVE AND HIGH SCHOOL AND, PROBABLY TWILIGHT!!! THAT ONE'S ON MY IPOD!!!"

"TAYLOR'S MOM IS SO GREAT!!! I'D HAVE TO RANK HER IN THE TOP 100 MILLION OF MOMS!!!"

"MY FANS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I HOPE THEY DON'T RUN OUT ON ME....BUT IF THEY DO, I HAVE A LIST OF THOSE FANS I WOULD BE FINE WITH SEEING GO!!!!! I'LL POST THAT LATER, SON!!!!!"

"I JUST DID WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE!!! MY BEST FRIEND TOTALLY AGREES....AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! IT'S TOO BAD HE'S TRAPPED IN THAT RECTANGLE OF GLASS ABOVE MY BATHROOM SINK!!!!! I'LL GET YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"I KEEP WATCHING THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OVER AND OVER HOPING THAT THIS TIME I WON'T GET UP AND TAKE THE MIC FROM HER BUT EVERY TIME SHE STILL WINS SO IT PLAYS OUT THE RIGHT WAY!!!! TAYLOR'S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS LIFE!!! THE WRONG PEOPLE WIN ALL THE TIME!!!! TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE!!! I'M ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T WIN!!!"

"REMEMBER WHEN TAYLOR WAS ON SNL AND SHE PLAYED ANNIE!!! SHE WAS SO GREAT!!! IT MADE ME WISH SHE WAS AN ORPHAN FOR REAL!!!!!!! XOXOX!!!!!"

Carlos Mencia Responds To South Park

After Kanye West posted his response to this week's South Park, Carlos Mencia felt the need to come out and say something as well on his blog. I'll post it here.

"HEY, MAN. SOUTH PARK WAS GREAT THIS WEEK. WHEN I FIRST CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR SOUTH PARK, I WAS IN MINNESOTA AND I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME THIS FAR, YOU KNOW? IT WAS A SILLY IDEA FOR THESE 4 KIDS TO BE ALL DIRTY AND STUFF. SO I WENT TO WORK IN MY LAB AND I BUILT TREY PARKER AND MATT STONE OUT OF SOME CRAP I HAD AROUND THE HOUSE. MACGUYVER-STYLE, YOU KNOW? WELL, MAYBE, DEL GUYVER-STYLE. HEHE. ANYWAYS, I MADE TREY AND MATT AND TOLD THEM TO HAVE FUN WITH THE SHOW AND IF THEY NEEDED ANYTHING, TO GIVE ME A RING. SOME PEOPLE ASKED ME IF I WAS OFFENDED BY THE EPISODE. SERIOUSLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TOOK THEM THIS LONG TO PUT IT UP SINCE I WROTE THE SCRIPT FOR IT IN 1995. HOW DID THEY SIT ON 'FISH STICKS' THIS LONG? LOCO. SO, GLAD YOU ENJOYED MY EPISODE. I KNEW IT WOULD HOLD UP. LIKE I SAID TO BILL COSBY WHEN I FOUND HIM AT A GARAGE SALE IN 1960, 'IF IT'S FUNNY, PEOPLE WILL LAUGH AT IT NO MATTER HOW MANY YEARS PASS.' AND THEN I GAVE HIM SOME JOKES TO GET HIS CAREER STARTED. GOOD GUY. THAT'S IT FOR ME. LATER, BITCHEZ!"

I'm shocked personally. None of that stuff is on his Wikipedia page.