Renaissance Awesome!

When I was little, my parents would take me to the Renaissance Fair. Knights would walk around amongst the people and turkey legs bigger than my head were the snack of choice. From what I remember, it was fun but now, it seems antiquated. With Comic-Con and a whole series of other cons, the Renaissance Fair needs to keep up.

1. Vampires - They are so hot right now. You can add vampires to anything and people will come running. Heck, that's why I'm planning to open a vampire-themed oil change place named Dracu-Lube. "We want to give you and your car eternal life." So, you put vampires at the Renaissance Fair. The princess drops her handkerchief to the winning jouster, a vampire comes in and bites her neck. The jouster vows revenge to the king. It's glorious.
2. "Green" It Up - Make the suits of armor out of solar panels. Hook the horses up to a power generator like they do with bicycles. Have the jousters "horse-pool." Put two jousters on one horse and get two jousts done at a time. Go paperless. Scrolls have to be the largest contributer to a Renaissance Fair's carbon footprint. They love them. Have the decreers memorize what would have been on the scrolls. Simples as that. A green Renaissance Fair is far more marketable than the alternative one.
3. Reality Series - Get a cable network to televise Renaissance Fairs around the country. People will come just to get the chance to be on television. You can even do period-based segments like Cash Carriage or Mace Men. This should be good for at least a season.
4. Technological Renaissance - There are different ways to interpret a renaissance. Some say we are in the midst of a technological renaissance. Why not go with that? Robo-Knights sound much cooler than regular knights. Instead of plain swords, you get laser swords. When people question the stupidity of a laser sword, tell them their archaic minds could not comprehend the science and to just try and follow along. Finish the Fair off with a Robo-Knight malfunction where the robot sparks and frightens the people back to the cars.

I don't know if you can do all of these things at once. We all know that vampires hate laser swords so you'd have to keep those separate. Regardless, I give any of these the Tor's Take Guarantee of Success.* Good luck to you, Renaissance Fair or should I say, Renaissance Awesome!

*Excludes Vermont, Montana, and Southeast Wyoming.

Going To The Movies: Chuck Bass

I went to see a private screening for the second time in a row. I guess there’s something to going to the movies with Manhattan’s elite. I was shocked when Chuck Bass accepted my invitation and jumped at the opportunity to shoot the movie poop with a socially superior teenager. We went to see Twilight, the sure-to-be hit based on the massively successful novels.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

What?

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Do you really talk that low? Hold on.

Kevin gets up and grabs a megaphone. He comes back and places it in front of Chuck. Kevin presses "ON."

Kevin

Talk.

Chuck Bass

(through megaphone)

This is ridiculous.

Kevin

Perfect. How did you like the movie?

Chuck Bass

I didn't. I thought it was a huge waste of time.

Kevin

Really? I thought it would be right up your alley. You dress like a vampire.

Chuck Bass

My scarf costs more than your life.

Kevin

And it looks adorable on you.

Chuck Bass

I'm going to leave. If you'll excuse me.

Chuck Bass stands.

Kevin

Chuck, wait. I'm sorry. I guess I just get so jealous of the lush life you lead at such a young age. Smack talking is just a defense mechanism for me. I apologize.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass sits, rolls his eyes, and leans into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass

Apology accepted. Let's get on with this. I have an appointment with my financial advisor at 4:30.

Kevin

What didn't you like about Twilight?

Chuck Bass

The idea that a vampire, or any man for that matter, would risk his life in the name of love is absurd.

Kevin

How can you be so jaded at such a young age?

Chuck Bass

I'm merely a realist. The only person who truly matters in your life is yourself. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.

Kevin

Well, I think it was believable.

Chuck Bass

That's because people like you need to have Hollywood-manufactured hope to escape their mundane, little lives.

Kevin

Ok, I'm insulted. We're good here. This show's supposed to be fun.

(mocking Gossip Girl)

Spotted: Chuck Bass being a wet blanket on comic's movie show. Looks like this comic's relief will come when Chuck walks off the set. XOXO.

(normal to camera)

I'd like to thank Chuck Bass for coming by. He hated the movie like he hates everything else. Hopefully, his dad will give him a hug one of these days and he'll come out of that hug seeing the world in brilliant Panasonic color. I found the movie to be worth the hype. Tune in next time when I go to the movies with Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia."