Rejected Young Money Lyrics

There is a hit song on the radio now by Young Money called "Bed Rock." The chorus contains the lyric, "Call me Mr. Flinstone. I can make your bed rock." This is very clever. What people don't know is that there were several failed attempts at cartoon-inspired innuendo before they landed on "The Flintstones." Read them and the reasoning behind passing on them below.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Mr. Jetson. I can make your Ass-tro."

Reasoning Against: Well it has the word "ass" but a "tro" isn't anything especially not a verb.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Liono. I can make your Mum rah."

Reasoning Against: It's for when you have a thing for British mothers and also for less enthusiastic cheerleaders so you get both. Still confusing.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Captain Baloo. I can make that Tail Spin."

Reasoning Against: It's pretty good but there's a hint of bestiality.

Bad Lyric: "Call me G.I. Joe. I can make my Cobra Command Her."

Reasoning Against: Clever but there's really no one called G.I. Joe so this falls apart. Also the lyric is supposed to be aimed at a girl not someone in the third person.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Gargamel. I can make your Stinky Smurf."

Reasoning Against: This might actually be an insult when translated from Smurf-speak.

Bad Lyric: "Call me Hanna-Barbara. I want to give you my Chilly Willy."

Reasoning Against: It doesn't really sell you to the woman as cold things are not appetizing as evidenced by bras in the freezer pranks.

Going To The Movies: Sookie Stackhouse

While it would have been fun to head down the Bon Temps, Louisiana, to take in a movie, I wanted to see something that was made after 1987 and was not on VHS. I sent a letter (no email) to Sookie asking if she wanted to come out to New Jersey and see something new. She jumped at the chance, wanting to get away from all that vampire drama.

We went to see G.I. Joe because I thought some mindless cinema would be just the distraction she needed. After the movie was over, we went to dinner and discussed the film.

Kevin

Thanks for coming on the show, Sookie.

Sookie

My pleasure. 

Kevin

So what did you think of the movie?

Sookie

I thought it was too busy. I liked the main guy, though.

Kevin

Channing Tatum.

Sookie

What was that? You think he's attractive? I would have to agree.

Kevin

I didn't say that.

Sookie

You thought it. It's ok. He is very cute.

(beat, listening)

I guess he could be a good dancer, too. I didn't really see that.

Kevin

Please stop listening to my thoughts. My mind is thinking things I would be embarrassed for you to hear me thinking and they are coming out as my actual thoughts.

Sookie

(shocked)

You have a wife!

Sookie slaps Kevin across the face.

Kevin

See? I didn't mean that.

Sookie

You're disgusting.

Kevin

A man's private thoughts should be just those. This isn't right.

Sookie

Neither is picturing me and the waitress in a two-person horse costume but you're doing that.

Kevin

This interview is over.

Sookie

Are you sure? I think a lot of people would like to know which member of En Vogue you'd like to switch places with.

Kevin

I didn't think anything like that.

Sookie

I know. I'm just messing with you. You need to lighten up. Your thoughts are not that bad. You should hear the things my brother, Jason, thinks.

Kevin

Really?

Sookie

Yup. Now let's finish the interview correctly. I don't want to be like all your other interviews that don't bother talking about the movie.

Kevin

(excited)

How did you - 

(dejected)

Right, I thought it. Would you tell others to see the movie?

Sookie

Absolutely not. I like simple stories. Maybe this sort of thing works for y'all in New Jersey but not in Bon Temps.

Kevin

It doesn't work in New Jersey, either. There was no story to make up for the horrible dialogue. The special effects were overpowering and confusing. I was really disappointed.

Sookie

You secretly liked it.

Kevin

Damn it. Well, that's it for our show. Thanks to Sookie Stackhouse for coming and making my thoughts known to the world. Hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies.

Awful Ways To Improve GI Joe

GI Joe was a terrible movie. I cannot fathom how it could have been worse. In fact, I think if they did any of the following things, it would still have improved my enjoyment of the film:

1. Show little kid hands moving the vehicles.
2. Add a 45 minute clip of my parents having sex.
3. Replace the actors with people dying of cancer.
4. Work the GI angle and make the soldiers constantly use the bathroom.
5. Dressing room montage set to Heidi Montag music.
6. Make Cobra Commander an actual CGI talking cobra that holds on to it's S's too long.
7. Incorporate enough racial slurs to embarrass a KKK Grandmaster.
8. Remove all the parts of the writers' brains and not just the front.*
9. Make it a musical with song titles like "Half The Battle, I Should Have Known."
10. Instead of a fancy ninja costume, dress Snake Eyes like a pair of fuzzy dice.

* Not confirmed that they did, just an assumption on my part.