Going To The Movies: Hiro Nakamura

I took Heroes' Hiro Nakamura to see Max Payne with me. I've been meaning to go to the movies with him for a while but he's been too busy sucking the life out of his TV show to make it. Finally, the timing worked out.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Hiro

Thank you for having me.

Kevin's chair falls. He gets up off the ground and sees the chair only has three legs. Someone brings a new chair.

Kevin

What the hell?

Hiro

"Sucking the life out of his TV show."

Kevin

Excuse me?

Hiro

I read the transcript of this show.

Kevin

You went forward in time just to read how this conversation was going to go and then you froze time to saw the leg off of my chair? 

Hiro smiles and nods.

Kevin

You really are a waste of superpowers.

Kevin is all of a sudden naked.

Kevin

And now you've undressed me. This is real mature.

(crosses legs)

We should talk about the movie. How did you feel about it?

Hiro

A hero does not act like that. A hero is not reckless.

Kevin

Yeah, but with your back against the wall and nothing to lose, don't you do whatever it takes to remove evil?

Hiro

A hero must be mentally strong and maintain honor. The forces of evil want you to be aggressive and not think properly. It is a hero's duty to resist the temptation to-

Kevin

(yawns loudly)

Sweet crap, you're more boring in person than on screen.

(losing patience)

Did you like the movie? Yes or no.

Hiro

The purpose of-

Kevin

(angrier)

Yes or no.

Hiro

No.

Kevin

Fine. To recap, I liked it. Hiro didn't. I want to thank Hiro Nakamura for being on the show. I wish him luck saving the world as dully as possible.

A lion roars from off camera.

Kevin

(incredulous)

You put a lion on the set.

Hiro

(smiling)

And he's hungry.

Hiro disappears from his seat. The roar gets louder.

Kevin

(frozen in place)

I hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies. Someone call animal control.

Lions And Horses And Wait...What the F?!?

It's what can only be described as the scariest game of Cowboys and Indians ever. 

Seriously, though. China is training lions to ride horses. We're over here floundering under a vengeful economy and China is making the following happen:

What does China gain by making a faster animal ride a slower animal? If anything, the horse should be riding the lion but I guess that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? What's your angle, China? This can't be for war purposes because we don't fight many horse-based battles anymore. Is this a natural progression? You have to learn how to ride a horse before you can drive a tank? How many tank-driving lions do you have, China? How many? Six? Seven? 

Unless, they have a time machine and are planning to take these horse-riding lions back in time. They can rewrite history and become the most powerful nation in the world. We've all thought it, haven't we? What if Custer had a lion at Little Bighorn? What if a lion crossed the Delaware? What if a lion replaced Paul Walker in the movie "Timeline?" Where would we be? I'll tell you where. We'd be living on Easy Street wondering why we waited through two "Fast and the Furious" movies to replace Paul Walker with a lion. But no. China's going to get there first and we're going to be forced to watch Chris Tucker and a lion fight their way through three Rush Hours. Hey, lion, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? You just might. You just might.