Brandon Marshall: Role Model

Brandon Marshall, the wide receiver for the Denver Broncos, is in talks for a large contract extension despite his horrible behavior in preseason practices. If you are unaware of his behavior, watch the first 45 seconds of this video. After all of that nonsense (ass clownity?), how does he get rewarded? How? Maybe this is the way it works. Maybe this is how I should be doing comedy. I'm pretty talented. I deserve better. Until I get my own sitcom (or this entry ends), I'm going to mail it in, too.

Mail It In Section

I'm the best comedy blogger out there. I don't need this blog. I could blow your mind right now with humorous thoughts. Believe that.

How much longer until this is over?

The fish used in McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwich is at risk due to overfishing. You know what's not at risk? Me attempting to come up with a good joke for that because I'm not going to overfish for a punchline. Hey-o!

Who wants my top 10 list of other things Joe Wilson contemplated yelling before settling on "You Lie?" Well, too bad. It's a shame, too, because three of them involve dinosaurs. What Who?

Are we done? Can I go home now? More? Fine.

Whitney Houston had her first number one album in 16 years. Does that mean we should throw a Super Sweet birthday party for her drug addiction? Ack! Ack! Ack!

Katherine Heigl is adopting a Korean baby. Expect her to call adoption degrading to women in about 6 months. Did that joke's knees just slide across the rug cause that's a burn!!!

Ellen Degeneres is going to be the 4th judge on American Idol next season. Fox is already installing a mama chair in the Nokia Theater and the Top 24 will get Ellen underwear. Pa-dow!

Done now? Good.

It's on you, Hollywood!

Thanks, Brandon Marshall. You're an inspiration.

It's 9 day!

People are going crazy of 9/9/09. This is the biggest thing to happen since 8/8/08. In honor of this numerically fantastic day, I've come up with some things to do to honor it.

• Clone Your Own Baseball Team - Imagine 9 of you playing the field at the same time. How excited will you be when you hit a home run and you get a high five from yourself when you cross home plate, not to mention all the dugout celebrations with yourself. Sure, as with any large number of clones, the abilities will worsen. That's why you put the 9th you in right field. It's little league all over again.
• Lose A Finger - You're going to be counting to 9 a lot today. Which finger doesn't get included in all of that counting? Hard to choose. Get rid of one and you won't have to worry. I'm a righty so I would get rid of one on my left hand. Which one? Thumbs are important. You need to point. I'm happily married so that one's a keeper. That leaves pinky and middle. No contest. I prefer to look snobby when I drink tea over showing my disapproval with a gesture. Which finger would you get rid of?
• Make A Love Potion - Who says Gypsies are the only ones that can make a magical love elixir? Not this guy. Mix a bunch of liquids together. Stay away from anything underneath the sink. Do I really need to remind you? What are you, 4? If that doesn't work, add some freesia to a bottle of Axe. Ladies love freesia and Axe if commercials and The Body Shop have taught me anything. It can't be wrong to make something that brainwashes the opposite sex into loving you against their will. It just can't.
• William Henry Harrison It Up - He was our 9th President and what better way to pay tribute to him than to get your dream job and die 32 days later? Obviously, this isn't something you can do by the end of the day but just starting it would really mean something to Ol' Billy Hank.
• Rewrite A Prince Song - Take the song 1999. Throw a party. Rerecord the chorus to say "Tonight we're gonna party like it's Nine O Nine O Nine." Put it on repeat for the entire party. The attendees will love it at first, then hate it around hour two, but they'll come back around in hour 4. You're welcome.

If you have anymore, send them my way. I'd love to do more.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/4/09

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about last week. So, they might be a little old.

Lindsey Lohan and Jessica Simpson were among a list of celebrities that, if you Google them, may result in a virus. While some would laugh and say, "That's just common knowledge," I would say, "I didn't know they were still considered celebrities."

Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab again after exhibiting erratic behavior in which she demanded to be surrounded by the color yellow. "I did everything I could to help her," said a dejected Antonio Banderas dressed as Big Bird.

The founder of Papa John's has finally tracked down his 1971 Camaro that he sold to save his father's business in the early 80s. It cost him $250,000 which is pretty steep. That's like 25,000 terrible pizzas.

A truck driver drove his 13.5 foot truck into a 12 foot tunnel because his GPS routed him that way. The truck driver was unavailable for comment because his friend called and told him to jump off a bridge.

The federal government sent stimulus checks to almost 4000 prison inmates. The government said this was an accident and, despite what the inmates say, there is no such thing as "Cash for Clinkers."

Tomorrow, Apple will release Snow Leopard their new smaller, sleeker, and more powerful operating system for the Mac. A representative for Microsoft panicked, looked all around, and said, "We have a great new operating system too! Yeah, it's called the Ceiling Microphone Reporter Shoes."

Despite rumors, Megan Fox has not been cast as Catwoman in the next "Batman" movie. Still no word on whether she will be 7th grader Tom Grorsky's future wife.

Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft recently. The thief will require two jail cells, one for him and one for his super giant balls.

Jon Gosselin refuted claims that say he wants to get off his show, "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Jon then secretly went on a younger, less child-having show.

Last night, NFL Network aired Michael Vick's first game since serving his prison sentence. NFL Network said it was like airing any other game except the credits needed to include "No animals were harmed in the making of this game."

Possible Duets for Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga

With the news of Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga collaborating on a duet. If they update their own songs, I believe these are possibilities.

Michael Bolton Side:

1. How Can We Be Lovers (No, Seriously, I'm Not Sure How To Do You)
2. Time, Love, and Ridiculousness
3. When A Man Loves A Whatever-You-Are

Lady Gaga Side:

1. Just Dance (Boring and Slow Remix)
2. Poker Face (Boring and Slow Remix)
3. LoveGame (Boring and Slow Remix)

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/3/09

The guy who played the Green Ranger on "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" is trying to break into MMA fighting. The main problem is he won't get in the ring. He just wants to do voice over while a Japanese guy fights in his place.

A man in Tampa, Florida, could not cash a check at a Bank of America because they require a thumb print and the man was born without arms. An accord has still not been achieved because, in order to reach an agreement, Bank of America must shake on it.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. "We've really made a lot of wonderful changes during my administration," said Mayor Lawn Gnome.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. In related news, there was a split vote on making toilet paper the official tree.

------------------------------------------------------------

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Barney Frank lashed out at a protester for carrying a poster of Barack Obama sporting a Hitler mustache. Frank was angry because he prefers his Obama in more of a Selleck.

Bernie Madoff's lover has written a tell-all book in which she mentions that Madoff had "a very small penis." So that's why he was rolling around in such a BIG Ponzi scheme.

Johnny Knoxville announced he and his wife are having a baby boy. A crew will be on hand at the birth to film the mother shooting the baby out of her body directly into Knoxville's crotch.

Michelle Obama is under scrutiny for wearing shorts in public last week. Newspapers are calling it the biggest White House fashion faux pas since Taft's thong.

Police are looking for two men who stole over $1 million in merchandise from a JCPenney. Police are not sure where to begin but they assume they are on the lookout for two men carrying a large building filled with customers and employees.

The winner of the women's world 800 meters is being asked to take a gender test because she has masculine qualities. Her gender was brought into question when she crossed the finish line 6 inches before her torso did.

Usain Bolt was honored by the city of Berlin by receiving a 3 ton section of the Berlin Wall. Bolt thanked the mayor of Berlin, picked up the Wall, and ran back to Jamaica in 48 seconds.

Miley Cyrus was spotted "full-on making out" at the Nashville Airport though her father claims it was just a peck. Billy Ray would know because he was sitting between them at the time.

The debate continues on whether Pluto is a planet. In response, Mickey said, "Look, he's old and he's always hungry. What am I supposed to do?"

Congresswoman Maxine Waters, in a recent town hall meeting, referred to some of the senators opposed to health care reform as "Neanderthals." Though this seems ridiculous, the Capital building is installing wooden club detectors as a precautionary measure.

A groundskeeper at a golf course found a 10-pound tooth that paleontologists believe came from a mammoth. The scientists were sure it came from a mammoth after they counted to 32 inside Hilary Swank's mouth.

Freakin' Greedy Planet

BP, one of the world's energy leaders, has discovered a "giant" oil field in the Gulf of Mexico. I just knew the Earth was holding out on us. Time to take action.

Dear My Planet,

It is with great regret that I write this letter on behalf of the energy-needing inhabitants of you. You really hurt our feelings with this one. How could you hog all that awesome oil? Did you think we wouldn't find it? It's the Gulf of Mexico. That's like hiding it in your sock.

Have you not noticed all that work we've been putting into solar energy and wind energy because we thought the oil was going away. All that work could have gone to better things like building machines to harvest that oil. Even though I have low self-esteem, I'm going to face up when I walk from now on because I can't even look at you. What else are you hiding, Earth? Are you putting whispers of anti-universal health care propaganda on the midwestern winds? Are you using natural reflectors to intensify the sun's heat to melt the ice caps thus tricking us into believing in global warming?

I'd like to say this whole thing can go away with a formal apology but it's time to hand down a punishment. It's going to cost you one rainforest and three pandas. It's a real shame it had to come to this but we need you to know we're serious and to ensure that this sort of planetary insubordination does not happen again.

Sincerely,

Kevin Tor

Human Representative of Earth

PS - We're taking three from your "Top 5 List of Pandas." You shouldn't keep a blog with animal rankings. That really came back to bite you on your ass/Australia.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

------------------------------------------------------------

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"