Tor Baby Countdown: 64 Days

Technology advances forward like Lindsey Lohan in a bad decision contest. The things they can do now with ultrasounds is way different than what they were doing back in the days of George Washington. In those days, a kite was wrapped around the mother's waist and an artist would try to capture as much of the insides as he could whenever lightning struck. Today, we've harnessed the power of the skies and can wield lightning to create photos of your baby in 3 dimensions.

3D ultrasound photos are probably the scariest, most horrible part of pregnancy. The image comes out looking like a bird, a fossil, or a baby that drank from the wrong Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones. When we told the technician that they never come out well and we don't want nightmares about our daughter, she admitted they look a little weird but that's because the baby has no fat to separate the skin from the bone. I'm glad she said that because I was wondering why there was a vomit bucket next to my chair.

Not ours but equally not good.

So we got the ultrasound and our daughter looked terrible but we expected that. No fat and what not. A person my wife works with said that you will be amazed at how much your child looks like that ultrasound. Thanks, that needed to be said. I can't wait to hold Melty-face Bird Fossil in my arms!

Now there is news that some hospitals are offering 4D ultrasounds. Will the fetus be able to walk through walls? Will you be able to see into bird baby's future? "Here she is at college pecking her professor's eyes out." How long do we have to wait for a fifth dimension? Until the Age of Aquarius?

How my wife and I spend Sunday afternoons.

Unless doing a 4D ultrasound implants in our daughter the ability to understand the complex mathematics involved in calculating the fourth dimension, I don't want it. In fact, let's just stick to two dimensions. Nice and flat.

True story: At our last ultrasound appointment, the technician was unable to take a 3D picture because our daughter had her arms up blocking her face. Daddy's proud of you, honey.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/4/09

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about last week. So, they might be a little old.

Lindsey Lohan and Jessica Simpson were among a list of celebrities that, if you Google them, may result in a virus. While some would laugh and say, "That's just common knowledge," I would say, "I didn't know they were still considered celebrities."

Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab again after exhibiting erratic behavior in which she demanded to be surrounded by the color yellow. "I did everything I could to help her," said a dejected Antonio Banderas dressed as Big Bird.

The founder of Papa John's has finally tracked down his 1971 Camaro that he sold to save his father's business in the early 80s. It cost him $250,000 which is pretty steep. That's like 25,000 terrible pizzas.

A truck driver drove his 13.5 foot truck into a 12 foot tunnel because his GPS routed him that way. The truck driver was unavailable for comment because his friend called and told him to jump off a bridge.

The federal government sent stimulus checks to almost 4000 prison inmates. The government said this was an accident and, despite what the inmates say, there is no such thing as "Cash for Clinkers."

Tomorrow, Apple will release Snow Leopard their new smaller, sleeker, and more powerful operating system for the Mac. A representative for Microsoft panicked, looked all around, and said, "We have a great new operating system too! Yeah, it's called the Ceiling Microphone Reporter Shoes."

Despite rumors, Megan Fox has not been cast as Catwoman in the next "Batman" movie. Still no word on whether she will be 7th grader Tom Grorsky's future wife.

Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft recently. The thief will require two jail cells, one for him and one for his super giant balls.

Jon Gosselin refuted claims that say he wants to get off his show, "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Jon then secretly went on a younger, less child-having show.

Last night, NFL Network aired Michael Vick's first game since serving his prison sentence. NFL Network said it was like airing any other game except the credits needed to include "No animals were harmed in the making of this game."

Tor's News Nuggets: 8/14/09

I started a job writing current event jokes for an iPhone app, iLarious. I'm really excited. There are writers from the Simpsons, the Onion, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, College Humor, and much much more awesome things. Tor's News Nuggets will be the place that I post the ones that don't make it. (Some of them you'll see why.)

Ashton Kutcher announced that his plane needed to perform an emergency landing via Twitter. The pilot landed the plane because he was getting a lot of wireless interference from somewhere in the cabin.

CNN is reporting that trucks are the most purchased in the Cash for Clunkers promotion. So...that didn't work.

The jobless rate fell for the first time in a year. Kudos to the person who decided to create the jobs to calculate the jobless rate.

Shirtless pictures of a fit Vladimir Putin are circulating and experts say it shows he is stronger than previous leaders like Boris Yeltsin. Something else that would show this: holding a mirror under his nose and waiting for fog.

49ers draft pick Michael Crabtree is threatening to sit out the 2009 season and reenter the 2010 Draft if he doesn't get more than $23.5 million. Looks like Michael Vick finally got some competition for Most Hated Football Player.

Victoria Beckham is going to be a temporary replacement for Paula Abdul on American Idol. American Idol judges are some of the most publicly criticized and hated people in entertainment so she can go to her husband for advice.

Jenny Stanford, the wife of adulterous South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, is moving out of the Governor's Mansion. Good, I was starting to think she couldn't read. Or hear. Or process visual signs.

Barack Obama claims that Canada's health care model would not work in the U.S. Obama said that the health care model was good but when you get down to it, like their bacon, it's really just ham.

A new species of frog that can soar through the air was discovered in the Himalayas. Do you hear that Nadia, the foreign exchange student from my high school? You said we could have sex "when frogs fly."

A new study proves that dogs and toddlers are on the same developmental plane. So child services was wrong, rubbing my baby's face in his diaper was fine?

A woman threw a ceramic cup at the Mona Lisa saying she was frustrated about not getting French nationality. She then threw a saucer at the Eiffel Tower, a spoon at the Bastille, and hot tea at Jerry Lewis.

A bride in China is hoping to set the record with a wedding dress that has a train measuring 2 km. Little does she know but the groom tied the end of the train to a tree 2 km and 2 m from the altar.

A new movie called "Machete" has begun filming and it stars Robert De Niro, Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Alba, and Steven Seagal. Hollywood said, "This is the best way to guarantee we only make one bad movie next year."

Forecasts say that the world population will hit 7 billion next year. Kinda sad that Tila Tequila still can't find love.

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls will hit stores just in time for Christmas. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

The first successful captive breeding of an endangered vulture was announced today. Seriously, what kind of prison is Bernie Madoff in?

Bob Dylan is planning to release a holiday album later this year. The album will start out with Hanukkah tunes, then switch over to Christmas songs, and end with songs that could be either one.

A nun in Missouri chased a robber into the woods after he ran past the convent. When asked why she chased the robber, the nun said, "I don't know. I always chase things that run by. I guess I'm just a creature of...habit." Then the reporter slapped her in the face and told her to stick to chasing.