Awful Ways To Improve Transformers 2

Transformers 2 was a terrible movie. There were robots that talked jive (Stewardess, I speak jive), robots that talked like Joe Pesci (Am I a robot clown?), and robots that used canes because they were old (What?). The following is a list of terrible ideas that would still improve the movie.*

• Replace Shia LaBeouf with Fisher Stevens.
• Have Optimus Prime contract robot AIDS.
• Make Bumblebee an actual bumblebee and have Shia LaBeouf ride on his back after using a Honey, I Shrunk The Kids-esque shrink ray.
• Let the Decepticons win.
• Instead of filming it, show the screenplay being read by Gilbert Gottfried.
• Have a Megan Fox sex scene where she unveils her own massive penis.
• End the movie with the Zapruder film in slow motion set to "Time After Time."
• Give four monkeys 83 seconds to write it.
• Interrupt it with commercials for Geico.
• Instead of robots that turn into electronic objects, base the movie on the metal boxes at the top of telephone poles.

* Yes, I did this for GI Joe over the summer.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/26/09

These are last week's rejections from iLarious (a fantastic iPhone app you should own).

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. No worries. The resilient museum has relabeled it "Authentic Lilliputian Rope Used To Restrain Gulliver."

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. The museum is now concerned about the validity of the main hall's Electra plane with Earhart's skeleton in it.

Megan Fox said that, even though she is bisexual, the kissing scenes for "Jennifer's Body" gave her trouble. She also said that she loves getting her T-shirt wet but she's having trouble with this nearby hose and then pouted invitingly.

The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, told Radar Online that she thinks Jon Gosselin is "hot." Tune in next week for a special episode of "Awful and Way Too Fertile Wife Swap."

Halloween stores everywhere are reporting that Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out. Halloween 2009 - "The Worst Night of Jon's Life."

A recent report says that Bernie Madoff is eating prison pizza that was made by a child molester. Madoff likes the pizza but he doesn't like that he has to receive it while wearing a sailor suit and holding a lolly.

A high school in Chicago has 115 students that are pregnant or already have kids. Interestingly enough, the school has 115 less male students than it did before.

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. She apologized and said that some of her best friends are reverends.

The Sesame Street theme song was played during the interrogation and torture of Gitmo detainees. It always preceded the lesson of "One of these testicles will not be like the other."

A 19-year-old became the youngest ever winner of the Monopoly World Championships. Unfortunately, he was 12 when the match started.

Ashlee Simpson has been axed from the show, Melrose Place. "That's a decent start," said everyone on the planet.

On his radio show, Howard Stern furiously called out Jay Leno for allegedly stealing sketch ideas and using them on his talk shows. "I would never steal from him," said Leno who took a break from filming a new bit about a superhero that passes gas.

Tor's Onion Stories: October 6, 2009

Here are another 10 story ideas for The Onion. I should probably save these on the off chance that I will, one day, write for The Onion but we all know that will never happen. (Why do my readers have less confidence in me than I do?)

1. Former Bully Victim Ironically Grows Up To Serve French Fries To Bully
2. Dog Saves Owner From Choosing Wrong Cell Phone Plan
3. Megan Fox Was Not Right For Megan Fox Roles On SNL
4. Arabian Prince Buys United States Low With Hopes Of Selling High
5. Second Graders Disappointed By Real Definition Of Gross National Product
6. Family Business Will Include Disappointing Son-In-Law After All
7. Boogers Closing Gap On Farts For Funniest Gimmick
8. Genie Enthusiast Hopes 517th Lamp Will Be The One
9. Local Man Still Disappointed By Seinfeld Finale
10. Tyra Banks Has Genuinely Grounded Opinion

How did I do this time? Better? Worse?

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/4/09

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about last week. So, they might be a little old.

Lindsey Lohan and Jessica Simpson were among a list of celebrities that, if you Google them, may result in a virus. While some would laugh and say, "That's just common knowledge," I would say, "I didn't know they were still considered celebrities."

Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab again after exhibiting erratic behavior in which she demanded to be surrounded by the color yellow. "I did everything I could to help her," said a dejected Antonio Banderas dressed as Big Bird.

The founder of Papa John's has finally tracked down his 1971 Camaro that he sold to save his father's business in the early 80s. It cost him $250,000 which is pretty steep. That's like 25,000 terrible pizzas.

A truck driver drove his 13.5 foot truck into a 12 foot tunnel because his GPS routed him that way. The truck driver was unavailable for comment because his friend called and told him to jump off a bridge.

The federal government sent stimulus checks to almost 4000 prison inmates. The government said this was an accident and, despite what the inmates say, there is no such thing as "Cash for Clinkers."

Tomorrow, Apple will release Snow Leopard their new smaller, sleeker, and more powerful operating system for the Mac. A representative for Microsoft panicked, looked all around, and said, "We have a great new operating system too! Yeah, it's called the Ceiling Microphone Reporter Shoes."

Despite rumors, Megan Fox has not been cast as Catwoman in the next "Batman" movie. Still no word on whether she will be 7th grader Tom Grorsky's future wife.

Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft recently. The thief will require two jail cells, one for him and one for his super giant balls.

Jon Gosselin refuted claims that say he wants to get off his show, "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Jon then secretly went on a younger, less child-having show.

Last night, NFL Network aired Michael Vick's first game since serving his prison sentence. NFL Network said it was like airing any other game except the credits needed to include "No animals were harmed in the making of this game."